Grey cell thoughts

 The way the brain works is fascinating yet mildly disturbing because what do you mean an infinitesimal part of my grey cells have been quietly working on a mystery for 15 years?

Let me explain- as I am prone to do. 

15 years ago I was walking across my Uni campus with a friend  and a guy came up directly to my face and chirped “Hi insert first name”. I didn’t know who it was so i was appropriately confused and said “Hi?” Because ofcourse inadvertent people-pleaser.

He asked “don’t you know who i am?”

And thankful for that option I immediately said “sorry i dont know who you are” again, with the apologies. Rolling comfortably retrospective eyes. 

I kid you not- he got really angry. Like expressive wildly angry and yelled something at me and walked away in a huff that i had before only read about in books. I had clearly mortally offended him and i was baffled. I mentally went down the checklist of where i could have possibly met him and drew a blank. I assumed he was nuts and walked away hoping he wasnt a crazy danger to person nuts. 

15 years later i woke up with a lightening bolt of knowledge flooding through me. We had met once-years ago- at an event i was dipping my toes in and had a long conversation hopping around in sneakers because ofcourse i had injured myself and needed my sister to come take me for a tetanus shot and supply said sneakers. Because why should a career attempt be anything less than exciting. It had been a long conversation but not much else- just interesting and immediately forgotten because well- i guess my brain prioritised. 

But whats interesting is not that it happened- i find it riveting that a teeny tiny part of me was still chugging away at the mystery of it all. Who was that guy? How did he know my name? Where did we meet? Why didnt i remember him? His explosive reaction to my having no conscious memory of him kept my grey cells at it for 15 long years. That.Is.Insane. Whats even more insane is that i suddenly remembered his name which of course i have now forgotten again. 

Can you even fathom the depth of information stored in our minds? Being processed continually as we go about our lives accumulating more and more stimuli? Amazing and also- what on earth am i collecting by feeding this entirely magnificent machine - random data from instagram scrolling sessions?

Need to muse on this. Hope you all are having a great year, lots of love and cheers to whoever is still reading. Hope u guys have been giving your own grey cells a better diet 😂 yes, this is my late 30’s emoji phase. Please deal with it as you see fit. 

Let it be noted

I just re-read my last post which I find really hilarious. Because it’s this thought provoking musing-esque (notaword) commentary on my own state of mind at the time. I blame hormones and many many many wakeful nights. 

But since I love to mark the passage of time here - here is another for the record books- middle of the night- closer to dawn than dusk- a 2 minute clip about the flailing translator and I cannot stop myself from shaking the bed as I snort out helpless giggles. Cannot stop laughing.

Amidst a lot a lot a lot a lot… a lot. I want to remember giggling uncontrollably. I want to remember the mirth. I want to remember the happiness. I want the strength of the lighthearted and the sunshine.

A mark in time

The Ups and trying to walk up

The peaks and the striding up from the valley

The day and the sometimes impatient waiting for sunrise

Dreams. 

A relic of what was once desired. A hint of future aspirations. And sometimes, the opening as you tumble down that rabbit hole hoping you’ll emerge before sunrise. Fingers grasping the muddy sides, hoping to slow the pace and cushion the blow. 

I see the supposed grown ups around- busy beings living independent lives and more so than before people just appear to be playing dress up. Making important decisions whimsically. But again, i dont know them well or at all. The superficiality yet the regularity of these interactions is like a thorn on my side. How can i meet you so often and yet there is nothing of substance here? No depth of conversation besides literal parallel play.  

Time has debunked a lot of myths i believed as recently as 2 years ago. I am not sure i know this version of me. At all. Because I’m choosing very differently. Not always better but a solid majority. I’m still swaying  though- between the easy and the right. Between the illusion and the real.

So perfection is a way away- but the direction im currently facing is correct and so i stride on. Pausing for a short breath to mark this time. Let me chisel my mark on that tall lumbering ancient tree, its trunk extending up to the heavens, far beyond what these eyes can see. marvel at the today. yet aware- look at all the potential for growth. 

Whoever is reading, thanks. And do pop up with a comment if possible. Feel like saying Hi to friends old! 

The Good Egg

So if anyone remembers I used to operate out of a different url. Throughout my late teens to the very verbose 20’s and .. to the much quieter 30’s. 

At some point I had a wonderful cathartic thought to change my url and regain some semblance of virtual privacy to ramble on. Well, the url changed and so did the urge to ramble. 

I didn’t think much of it until someone else decided to co-opt my original url. No problem I thought. Until I realised that my past identity was still affixed to this new person. Because every comment I had made on the blogs of other people linked back to this new person with my original url. Oops. 

Too much power in the hands of a stranger to misrepresent me. But well, life goes on and into each life some rain much fall. Ignoring this drizzle I moved on, but found myself curious- what did this new person wish to communicate with the world under my old banner. And the answer was Nothing. Someone had taken it to take it and not written a single word. 

Hmm. Less easy to digest that something has been plucked out of my reach only to serve no purpose other than plucking. Like cooking a delicious meal and not eating it. Sad. 

Anyway in the face of this mild irritant one moves on and forgets- temporarily. Until a random search told me this individual had finally deleted their blog (and url) which meant I should have the option of picking it up after 90 days.

Alas, not true. When a blog is removed the url gets put back in circulation- when a blog is deleted the url is also permanently deleted with it. And now my url is permanently out of reach. The cookie has crumbled. The eggs have been broken. The omelette has been made. And we must forge on. Forging on and ahead. Remembering Bertie Wooster and thinking about what it means to be a truly Good Egg. That version of me is out of reach but the future waits to be written and acted upon. 

To many more attempts at betterment and hopefully much wiser decisions.

Reading List

 Haha. I jest.

Dimsum days

 I woke up feeling particularly… tickled. 

So yesterday was a bit of a chaotic one and we ended up not going where the plans were supposedly leading us. 

In typical fashion, a series of domino effects led to… change. 

God IS kind. In Shukrana to the Divine. That doesn’t automatically mean that days are easy or that times are easy.

It means that God IS kind and I’m thankful from the deepest Essence of me. Whatever that is. 😊

Things aren’t what was planned and there are days I internally have to make myself okay with that. Also, this is what reveals one’s own character to one’s own self right? What am i made of? Besides years of generous helpings of pao bhaji and soup. I told you. I feel tickled today. 

If it helps, I’m also made of moderate helpings of lettuce and sundried tomatoes. Teehee. 

I’ve read adversity builds character, it also reveals it. And writing makes you think about it. 

Maybe the fact that I’ve found this sliver of time and the impulse to write here is a little rainbow-Esque. 

And it’s not always linear in life. You don’t wake up each day methodically feeling stronger than you were yesterday. Sometimes you realise that you’re not as strong as you thought you were. Sometimes resolutions are harder to fulfil as the days go by. When I was younger I thought I had the answers learnt. I had access to the answers and I only had to live them. Easy peasy, right?

I know Grace is the nucleus, the Sun. The light permeating all and the cause that there Is an all. Sometimes the pettiness of my desires clouds my mind. I’m trying to be a better me as I remember the Divine Grace. This is my rainbow. Shining bright. 

mental treks

 (some) 2 second answers from the one taking one-too-many-breaks

• seems Face ID doesn't become ineffective because it keeps collecting data each time it's used and acclimating to the changing features that come with weight fluctuations. Interesting. 
• hard to keep track of the source of the best, most snug, mask. 
• yes, Delhi Delhi Delhi. in all its flawed, materialistic, crumbly, fast-paced, ambitious, chaotic mystery.
• i really don't need to buy that. but i need to buy something that gives the same (presumed) spectacular result at 1/10th the price. ideally.
• will i use it? yes. yes. yes. will i need it? yes. yes. yes.
• they never sent the runner.
• i would definitely be more efficient. 
• i stand by my statement.

the thing about "wish lists" is, they can probably never be fulfilled. probably. there is a plethora of industries dedicated to convincing us that we need something more. 

More.

more things. to wear, to eat, to carry, to pack inside. to acquire.

more things to see, to experience, to want to visit. 

more ways to change, our skin, hair, features, body parts... body size, colour, height...

and repeat.

there's no end to desire, until we control the part of us that does the desiring. 

because there's no end to what can be acquired, or what one can aspire to externally.

Literally, billionaires are now competing to go into outer space because acquiring (or the ability to acquire) every material possession possible on Earth has not satiated the insatiable part that wants more.

there is no end to it.

there is no end, until we put it on pause. at whichever stage, time, age we choose and say "enough".

that i will not be brainwashed into thinking that acquiring any thing will add to my happiness or peace of mind permanently. That no experience, lavish or otherwise, will be anything more than a memory.

so, what then?

It's not about abstaining from the available pleasures or opportunities to wear, eat, travel, or do anything that makes you feel good (albeit temporarily).

in my opinion, like everything above, it is the hankering for that something that is the cause of stress, worry, disruption of peace.

I don't know how a tongue-in-cheek response to my own meandering thoughts has segued into the above.

but it has. yet another mystery. 

Unexpected destinations

2 second thoughts fluttering past the landscape of a preoccupied mind

At what point of weight-change does the Face ID essentially become ineffective ?

Mask= Face ID fail, the fingerprint would be So much better. Context matters. 

Delhi Delhi Delhi

Do I really need to buy that? What does one actually need? Bit of a philosophical rabbit hole there...

How did I do that? How (re-reading this after 30 mins and why can’t I remember what I was referring to? Why?)

Maybe I’ll think of it like a belated birthday treat? But will I ever use it? Will I ever need it? 

Why can’t they send the runner? It’s been over a week!!

I would do that differently 

I have some answers and many more questions

Love can grow. Continue to bloom. Colouring memories with rosy brushstrokes, painting over the oscillating emotions and enhancing the indescribable joy of soul meeting soul. One in the body of man, another in the body of a dog. Soul meeting soul. Soul loving soul. Love can grow 

Privilege

Our "problems" can help identify what level of privilege we are operating out of. 

and maybe even 2 years ago, the vast difference between the haves and have-nots was still immense and primarily responsible for shoving the majority of mankind down a particular path- of varying levels of access to education, health, financial stability...

But now.

Now. 

there are no words I can casually spin for now.

Samay

This is not the time one would want to make a record of.

To those who are in unimaginable pain, I'm so sorry. my Prayers are with you.

Hoping the outer environment becomes safer, as well as the Peace of the inner environment is maintained.

To those who have the privilege of a safe home to be in, to protect yourself in, please don't take it for granted and flout social distancing. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Stay Safe everyone. As safe as possible.

neu neu thoughts

The blog is gayab again and all that.

Imagine if this happened with a book you actually read (and liked).

Each time you reach out to your bookshelf, you fumble around exasperated "Uff, not again"

and the book has scuttled away, like an overexcited toddler high on sugar granules.

a pirouette, the swishing of its pages and vanishing from view.

a literary horror story.

The Mystery of the Vanishing Blog

 

Mush

It's rare to watch something that consistently tugs at your heart strings. and this show, this show is playing the violin with mine. 

I've discovered The Office rather late, decades late perhaps, but Wow. John Krasinski's version of Jim Halpert is just beyond.

Maybe its good I didn't watch this sooner, because I'm at that point when Jim makes a list and it's literally

Pam

Cece

New Baby

and in the second column "everything else".

It's just all heart. 

and its probably really good I didn't watch this in my teens because it would set the bar at an impossibly high peak. 

Just Beyond. Beyond. Beyond.

So much love. So much mush. Mushy cheesy perfection. 

Social Media and 2021

I’m beginning to feel like one of the deeper problems with social media is its immersive nature. It lulls you in, swallowing up precious hours, days and insidiously entering the mind to build associations that you.just.dont.need.

And I’m not even referring to that strange system of designating acquaintances into the category of followers *cough*fans*cough* 

I mean, when did friendship stop being a mutual relationship? 

In the quest for higher numbers and also numbers that don’t overlap, some people seem to have lost the original plot- now its more important to be seen than to see? And even if, there is a mutual sharing of the daily - what is being consumed is banal yet addictive. 

The whole thing is rather puzzling and I find myself giving up on it.

I actually did join the most consumption-driven site for a while, and then again, and it was lovely to stay in touch with those who matter... seeing what they were up to, staying more updated about their daily lives, stuff we wouldn't necessarily text about... applauding their artistic experiments (yay!) and generally feeling happy cheerleading their achievements :)

It was also great getting back in touch with others, sending virtual hugs as love-filled memories warmed the heart. It was great to reach out, comment and actually connect without reservation. 

But the other darker aspect is ultimately too oppressive for me, compelling me to step away after a few weeks. There's just too much projection happening. Too much... pandering. and it doesn't ever lead to a good feeling when you're consuming that much of a false narrative. and IG, in particular, has just a huge volume of images just hitting you visually, each one carefully curated to provoke a particular reaction.

I guess Twitter doesn't seem that obvious, although probably the same intent propels each tweet. The desire to appear a certain way, to project wit, intellect or sarcastic intelligence. I guess every expression/interaction, virtual or otherwise, can then be interpreted as attempts at projection.. Hmm, that's probably true. But in reality, sigh so many months ago, when we do meet people, it's normally at a much smaller scale. The projection of an image is thus limited to those we are physically interacting with. Social media makes it possible for us to expand our influence and shove that same attempt at projection into every screen that subscribes to our virtual persona.

Which brings me back to the joy of simpler times, actually interacting with people we like and share the same-ish wavelength with. Whether its celebrating each others sense of humor, giggling over past idiocies or musing on changing philosophies, its really good to connect with those whom you're actually a fan of. :) Friendships are unique and precious, but as we grow older (33 this year!! whoa!) you realize that friendships are also sustained by admiration of each others strengths... of not just liking the person, but of looking at this human you've shared so much with, and you admire different aspects of them. they're probably not going to be identical to you, but there are aspects of them you aspire to and vice versa... you share love and a genuine concern for each other... you wish that they receive the best, and experiences with them, of laughter and love, become treasured memories. 

To the good moments

To the good memories

To the good ones

BIG Thank you! To receive a chance to experience goodness is wonderful, to remember to acknowledge the goodness is priceless. 

keep it moving buddies, nothing to read here

Officially- the plot has been lost

Almost completed a rhyme about a floating 🐝 

Managed to erase it before it took too much of a structure and I would have to confront the fact that I at 1 am think composing children’s songs about 🐝’S is actually an appropriate and constructive use of my time

Ofcourse *this* is not much better 

But sometimes when you’re skipping a whole lot, it helps to spout the nonsensical

YouDoYou

Regardless of the disdain many (most) people seem to have for "inspirational" quotes, I've always liked ones that ring true to me. 

The ones that make me think. that push me out of my complacency.

I value a good bucking-up, or maybe i'm just the kind of person who needs it.

Maybe you don't. Maybe most of you don't.

But in the mutual admiration society we have going on in social media, sometimes a genuinely solid nugget of wisdom is better to absorb, for me. 

i get too drawn into the circus, i need the reminders of "this is not real".

Maybe you don't.

Maybe you're stronger.

I know I'm self-aware enough to know I need the reminders.

SO, I'll stick to my reminders... and you... do what works for you.

the cropping of questions

Are we most susceptible to taking advice from our own selves?

Is that the reason we have to evolve our sense of understanding, expand it?

So that, with experience (self or borrowed), we are able to give our own selves better suggestions?

Are we most convinced by our own logic?

Can we muscle out of the mind-space we occupy, and genuinely entertain another perspective?

How long does it take to change? The mind, the action, the belief that thoughts step out from and flutter around till we actually do something different from patterns of the past.

Who do we allow, in?

Whose thoughts are we most affected by?

Whose opinion?

Whose perspective?

Whose belief is allowed in, to vibrate deeper and actually mull over.

One, is someone we admire... for qualities that we decide to admire and want to emulate.

What are those deeply personal definitions of admirable qualities?

What is heroic?

Does everyone even want to be heroic? good? better? better outwardly or inwardly?

Better than someone outside or better than past me?

Of course, an understanding of goodness is deeply personal.

There aren't just two sides, there are millions... most of which we are unfamiliar with, in ourselves and others.

If we don't think about changing, we can be so oblivious to recognising it.

If you think you know yourself and you're satisfied with that assessment, that may be true for a while... but since change is inevitable, at some point, the version of you, that you know, will become the past you that flickered around before being affected into transforming into another being.. with new thoughts, responses, tendencies.

Knowing ones own self is a continuous process. Perhaps that's why it's easier to put others in boxes, keep them neatly categorised for years, for decades... Easier, than admitting the unfamiliarity in even the closest relationship-one's own with oneself. 

Habits are such an easy way to delude oneself into thinking "I'm still the same", the world has changed.

What is read, eaten, done as employment... if they're the same-ish, surrounded by the same people, you can feel the same. Even if, if you're honest, you no longer respond the same way to what you're eating, drinking, reading or working with and around. 

Maybe that's why some people love to travel, such an obvious way of enjoying a change, something different, before we go back to what looks like the same life. 

I definitely like travelling, and mainly any destination by a welcoming water body.. I also deeply enjoy recollecting the best, most peaceful memories travel has bestowed. 

But it's not a trigger for change, maybe we just notice it more easily after an outward journey.

A mini-milestone of sorts, a pause, to notice different patterns.

Are we all searching for the same thing?

Because, le savoir

Novelty, to not "draft", but delete.

Because, will chime when requested :)

Worth it

Moments like now, justify this blogs active presence.

The option, to express the tiny changes in the flow of thoughts.

Irrelevant yet mattering.

Inking away. 

Worth the oscillations.

"Meh"

Ups and downs are the constant. 

#notjust2020