Hobbling on

Now lemme inform the world in general...in the year 2008....from April 25th to July 15th...
i, a person who is relatively pure of heart, gorged on all seasons of Sex and the City. Alright. In case you havent heard of it, go shove your head in an oven. (on second thoughts, try watching it first)....and if you have...appreciate my position. envy it. shower the world with confetti but just dont interrupt the greatest monologue since Garfield started airing his views. (yeah, ive lost my mind...welcome to the reality of September the 30th)

Basically, im just making it abundantly clear that even though i know each episode like it was written by me...i still like watching repeats on TV (when time permits).... today, i was just flicking through the usual favourites (Star World, Zee Cafe etc) when i landed on Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) typing out.....something which amounted to....do we keep dating the same guy over and over again? by that of course she didnt mean the SAME guy.... nope, he isnt fooling you with the help of surgery(you might wanna put that gun/broom away)... but think more in terms of Mohan Rakesh' 'Halfway House'. Same man different masks. The same TYPE of man. But while Rakesh' female protagonist had a more pessimistic view (all men are the same...ie. jerks...kinda glum inducing eh?)....Carrie thinks that women (you, me, my friends, your friends) choose a TYPE of guy and stick to him.

That got me thinking. No, not about MY type..i THINK ive elaborated enough earlier anyway...but about types in general...yes, there ARE some girls (heck even guys, if people pay enough attention to write about the deprived and ignored souls...we're currently studyin how men can be shown as victims of the patriarchal order in the feminist discourse...hence, miniscule drop of sympathy for them...)...as i was saying...some girls who stick to a type..lets see my OWN friends.

Intelligent-soul----- seeks another intelligent match with enough spark in his conversation to last her 15 conversations without a silent yawn. Status? Very much single. *yawn, we're gonna have a secret club soon i predict*

League-Apart-Intelligent-soul-------seeks supernatural being to suit stature. should not be conventional, patriarchal or intimidated by her obvious talent. Status? Very much single too.
(does it count as a type if no such type has been identified till date?)

Good-Girl----seek(ed?...sought????) smart guy who wasnt overtly patriarchal or annoying. desired qualities were strong familial bonds and respect for her own. Status? Committed!!!!!!!!!! (yay) but let me warn you, the journey to actually finding him was NOT easy. Ask her friends. :)
(so its less of a TYPE..but more of a contest between who comes closest to the type...maybe people in television serials just meet more people...*thinks*)

so...yeah....very blah i know...but im in no mood to think of heavy topics. eyes hurt....need to start studyin seriously asap. like asap. like now or maybe in 5 minutes...or tomorrow morning. *sheesh*......as far as theatre goes...more technical problems have cropped up...wondering if its worth it to face the grinder at home AND in college.... ahhhh.....where did all the luck go?

On the bright side...
1)heard a REALLY old song today and started dancing randomly! (That thing you do- The Wonders)
2)realized the iphone is overrated and impossible to operate. E51 is embraced. :D
3)got my tarot read by Ayu. naaaaw bad if i do say so myself. which i do. ahem. *i baffle myself*
4)we got a gabillion snaps taken in college with teachers and the entire batch. *fun*
5)also heard another song....I never loved you anyway-The Corrs. Hilariously fun! *beams*

So now that ive pink-ed up blog and description of day...shall take mii leave.
*love*
ps- accidently managed to shop for pink-ish stuff. plus purple-ish ballerinas. my first ever!

and in the distance there is gunfire

Scared. Shit Scared. So scared that i cant talk. or write. at all.

The Future? Ohmiiiigoood. if only i knew a lil sliver of it. just a tiny bit. enough to help me through. Am i gonna regret this later? Cry and Kick myself over and over again? Hate myself for not being strong enough? Will i REGRET it....in the true total awful sense? *sigh*

Films- Want to watch 'Charlie Bartlett', the review makes me want to.

S, Sw, Anu and i, we made this 6 min short film in 3 hours flat yesterday. Conceptualization, shooting, editing ....everything. Loved it but the judge didnt. *shrugs*...what can one do when faced with inetellectual snobbery?.. shrug it away says some part of me. The other part of me also agrees.

Blog- i dont know. Its really confusing. What AM i doing here? *thinks*...

People- i dont like anyone currently. very misanthropic mood. people. just so many people. one more bomb blast today. Why? Its gurgling under our very feet. This violent mood. One more reason to be scared...and just because of that...i refuse to be intimidated.

Ah. am totally losing my mind. When i close my eyes, there is this relief... but now a pillow+soup+good book arent enough to comfort me. A relief that maybe i dont need to think anymore. i dont want to think. i dont want to know. But since i cant change what i DO know, i gotta learn more. Make sense any? It simply must make sense. Just must....must....must.

Pensivity - Full circle

On the prowl for something sweet in the fridge i chanced upon a lone cube of Milk Man Cheese. I stared at it with sad eyes and it stared back forlornly at me. Now as i nibble it (it turned out to be an odd mirch variety...not sweet...*makes face*)...i allow myself to dream. to think of all the possibilities and equations.

Easy Shortcut One- leave practically all forms of eca and devote all the time i have to studies and post-literature exam preparation. ah. hours full of free time. no classes bunked. well slept nights. less frowns and piles more guilt. close to perfect? i allow myself to drift further into nightmare/dream... a spicy life. kind of like this cheese cube. but also stale. (again, like cheese cube)

Easy Way Two- disconnect from everyone. train myself to become a robot. no emotions. mechanical moves. no tv, phone, internet surfing...ie. absolutely no scope for wasting time. Forget about familial committments and relationships. Proceed with admirable calm of mind and mental strength. Not wince when i miss one lecture of modernism. Stop formulating wild plans of 'making-up' the course and begging for extra lectures. Stop caring and thinking so much...more focus on activity.

Easy Way Three- (is it me or are these really not easy?) continue as always. with fingers in each pie. just enough time to breathe. swinging between self-sacrificial air and losing-control. Acting like a loon. and shrivelling up with each passing day. not-an-option.

i-wish-i-was-stone and life was something that was as simple as people stepping over or on me as they clamber on to happier destinations. Then id know what to expect. Its the unknown thats terrifying. Absolutely scary. Its like the Kenyan concept of chi... According to their belief system, you (the soul) comes down (presumably) with the life you're gonna lead already mapped out. but just to prevent people from getting lazy and refusing to attempt to reach for more..the soul forgets what he chose before birth..so everyone can keep trying to be the best they can be...and if their chi agrees...all good...if it doesnt then you dont know the outcome of your hard work till your life has been completely lived. human initiative guaranteed and disappointment is minimum during life-on-earth. So for me, i wish i knew what my chi had decided...in fact, i dont even know what i WANT. i want to know it all...but i really know very little, esp when it comes to me.

They say (B does) self-questioning is indicative of a 'good' person. Normally, id say...whats good? but today i say...i dont know the self. Douglas Adams, i know why your books have sold a gazillion copies...i know. and its nothing i can emulate. You had it right all along...we've been looking for THE answer and we dont know the bloody question.

Mood- Pensive

This happens only in India...

The more diligent (and hence more loved :P) readers may remember the entry of the (bg music) confused and courageous heroine from time to time... She exists to take readers to a different...exotic...proud land.....and its prouder inhabitants. Dilwalon ka Dilli. Or so the saying goes.

Situation- your typical party. loud music. louder clothes. tons of bling. In short, very Ka-ching.

Natives- bouncy. inter-dependant. happy? or at least, excited. (your budday meaning my budday too??)

Dolled up in? - well, the males seemed to favour loose denims that seem to be making a vain attempt to reach the waist. almost disappointed, they seem to hang just 5 inches south of desired goal. and the females. well, i havent all day to elaborate.

What happens?- well, like all good stories this will end with a question. *smirks*
so everythings all hunky dory (ish)...people are grinding surreptitiously in dark corners...the fans are squirting water at regular intervals...the music is too loud for conversation (in the next building)... the Dj seems to be high on an obscure drug. Your average tame 20 year olds birthday party.

when suddenly the birthday girl (let her be called basanti) realizes mother and aunt have discovered the two empty vodka bottles. oops. chaos in court. basanti attacks best friend who shrieks at boyfriend who goes and whispers in ear of basantis boyfriend. who looks nonplussed. courageous and confused heroine watches human drama unfold and mentally hunts down appropriate words to describe situation in blog ( she isnt one of your i-will-act-now-types)

What makes ME think, however, is not the explanations that will be offered to steamed parents....but the fact that explanations need to be offered. coming from girls who wear skirts that barely graze skin about 5 inches above the knees ....have been dating since the age of 14... drinking since they were 17... when will 2 vodka bottles stop translating into worried frowns?
No, im not advocating getting sloshed..but if you ARE someone who likes a shot every once in a while..when is it that you'll stop apologizing for it?

The above examples were only given to point out apparent liberation....freedom of a sort...in speech..clothes....'attitude'. Being sober does not translate to conservative but im attacking the principle. Ultimately we end up bowing down to expectations.

Good girls dont drink says society waggling a finger. So either we dont drink. Or we pretend not to. i know this doesnt happen 'only' in India as the title suggests but somehow these double standards are more apparent here. Correct me if im wrong. Id like to be.

ps- if you're hanging around here then you'd better make your presence felt....or its quite ominous, this silence. *unnerved*...has my cover been blown? *shivers*...ohh alright im just adding to the melodrama. Peace. :D

ps2- theatres going much better as a whole. now if only i was able to get into the skin of my own character. *thinks*

Twisty Bendy Thoughts

you know..personally...i think facebook is a make-me-feel-low-site (forgive me all facebook fans...i too have an active account there!!!)...The thing is...of you're EVER even thinking of something gloomy its best not to log in......Either the bubbly party invites are going to compel you to mentally give those shallow ones the middle finger...or at best you're gonna feel down-n-out cuz you really have no chance of going...and deep down you dont even wanna go. Weird.
(My new answer to all of lifes problems)

Secondly, the 'status' message....how do you feel? What are you doing RIGHT now?...do you think people really spill their guts out there? i mean, face it...i have relatives+old crushes+potential ones+random acquaintainces and of course the 'close bunch' on my list...the first four categories have as much chance hearing my whiny state of mind as my dog has of flapping her ears and flying to australia. (ie. chances aren't very high. hohah)..and the last...they probably know the way im feeling long before i do...and helpfully decide to ignore it. *oh joy*

The third and possibly most dangerous low-producer is the album. Yes. The random album you click on and that someones life can be accessed as fast as the page will load. (mines kinda slow there but you get the picture..haha. pun.)
It can affect you in multiple scientifically unproved ways. You may feel
a) blah. who cares? it aint really that awesome. pfft. (this is the in-denial you)
b) excited. immediate plans for a movie/shopping/get-together are made. you wanna be living the 'delhi-dream' too. (this is still in-denial you...there is no delhi-dream. oops.)
c) the aforementioned low. you listlessly click on picture after picture...attacked by grins that seem to expand and reach the ears. as you witness more joy and extreme enthusiasm...chances are you'll slump a little lower in your chair and unconsciously shy away from the overt display of ecstacy. until you turn into a brown potato.

okay, so i made the last bit up. you wont be transformed into a tuber. Not that, diplomatically speaking, there is anything wrong in becoming one. Just that its a lil inconvenient when you wish to eat/sleep/shop/write. moving on from yet another fascinating debate.

have realized that its far easier to look at like from a distance and pronounce it attractive. but each life is a lil crummy, especially around the edges... so what we must remember is that low-ness is everyones companion at some point so logically speaking it'll have to leave us for another someday. ahem. not exactly motivating (i dont hear any applause) but sometimes twisted logic works best. besides, people cant smile for so long without a fly attempting to explore their insides. hah. the possibilities are endless. :D

Brrrreak

The very first thing that popped into my brain as my fingers hovered over the keyboard (waiting impatiently for the page to load) was the word...'break'....in all its glorious forms.

For starters, i naturally WANT a break.
My connections always breaking up and funny sounds invade my late-night phone sessions....though not funny haha...
The play that had to be a good 14 day old is now taking baby steps towards disaster and violent emotions are breaking lose on the shiny brown stage everyday between 3 and 6 pm. :(

Unfortunately the only break im gonna get from THIS schedule will be when someone will magically air lift me outta delhi and plonk me on a shady spot near a calm lake with an iced juice for company (hopefully it'll also hover conveniently near a mall so i can pick up the essentials on the way. ahem.) Now why did i not say sea? puzzled? i mean, i said 'calm lake'...why? im more of a 'i prefer the sea' person. (especially in those funny personality analysis quiz questions)...so why the lake??? Oh, psychologically speaking its probably cuz i need some calm lapping sounds of the water scuttling(?) on pebbles rather than violent waves crashing onto jutty rocks. Ouch. Thats one way to de-romantisize the sea. *cheers*

Speaking of the R or L word.... (either one works because of its absence...hehe).....nothing. nada. nopsie-cough-cough. Did i mention nothing? *shakes head*...dont know if its the rain thats scaring away all potential crushes or the simple fact that i truly have no life outside the classroom...but nothing. *thinks*....well, i guess i'll always have books. Which reminds me...i had awesome fun writing an opinion based answer recently...could have probably made it 'better' by including critical stuff but in a fit of stubborn pride i decided to stick to MY interpretation...
*very proud*

Anyway, things are goin all hunky dory when it comes to friends...havent spoken to Y recently so have no clue how he's handling the gathering-broken-heart-bit. S seems to be in a deeply musical place (of which i am completely clueless). Sw is less vocal bout missing R. A is (i think) back with old flame. Daffy is completely out of the picture for now even though i had to dig up the remains of the past and stare at em while reading 'Sons and Lovers'...could totally relate to the protagonist Miriam for a while when she kept waiting for Paul to come back to her. But after a while it just became extremely...get-over-it-girl....so i vented out my frustration in the opinion based answer...i bet the fictional Miriam would shudder in her imaginary grave...hehe...

After satisfying the sadist in me (through tearing Miriams actions apart...pay attention will you?)
ive started this new fad of eating dinner at 7 pm. Luckily my families joined in with great gusto. Why am i sharing this extremely relevant detail of my impressive life? Just some trivia to hold on to! :D

Ps-yes. the bomb blasts happened and i thought i would talk about them but its just too depressing. maybe sometime later when thoughts are more coherant.

Toodles.
and btw...the Delhi University festival rounds have almost begun
(AIIMS tomorrow and IIT-D day after....yay)

Pps- sigh...i so love writing! :D

Hooked..so single no more?

A couple of days ago, S gave me a huge heart attack...apparently (in a fit of exaggeration) she pronounced me 'Single no more'.....Eeeeeeks! When did this happen? And how do I not know about it? Did i sleepwalk my way through meeting someone and then dating him??
Luckily, S reassured me...informing me that i hadnt said 'yes' to anyone...but it was HER interpretation of my uhh 'friendship' with W. Oops.

That just made me horribly aware that im SO not ready for a relationship. Noooohhhwayyy pronounced my brain as it wiped off the sweat from its forehead (with a tiny grey hanky)
'You NEED to be single' yelled another huge part of self rubbing in the message.
Guess its been a gabillion years since ive actually been IN a relationship..and if we're talking about the real mature kind then count each finger on both hands twice...and thats how long ive been single. ahem. Okay. let me make it easier (dooh dah)...its been a heady 20 point something years. So just the thought of tripping into something resembling a 'relaaaahhtionnnship' is enough to make me wanna double back and scoot under a sofa or something. *inches towards unlatched window*

Thing is, exposure to influences like TV, Movies, Books, Music, Reality has had one pretty unfortunate result. It starts with an EXPECT and ends with ATIONS. add 'too many' just before that and it sums up life attitude towards romantic affiliations of any kind. i know, tragic case. But its too late now. And a head brimming with the likes of Rhett Butler, Chandler Bing, Darcy and Caulfield has no right to settle for mediocrity. None whatsoever. Hence bane (or blessing) of singledom embraces me like a long-lost sister. Oddly, till the time S articulated her perception...i never realized just how grateful i was for mii current situation.
Guess i had it right all along. Im just where i wanted to be. :)

To all busy-bodies. Grr.

I dont know if i should be more disappointed in myself or in others. Perhaps in myself for (once again) believing in others. Moron that i am. (kicks self)
W makes it so easy... asks me. So why do you expect things? As if i dont ask myself that!...all the time!!!!!!.......

Eyes hurt from exertion. Almost murmuring gently that they've done their job...now rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. I plod on mechanically...typing. Hoping some coherance will emerge. :p
Tired. Tired. Tired. (very)

So many illusions that one has to fight against. Ones that people want you to believe (i'll be there for you....tadadum)....Ones you want yourself to believe (the world is a great place and good things happen to good people).....Ones that you rarely wake up to (splash! they sting like salt sprinkled over a fresh wound)...

Which reminds me. somethings changing. seem to care less with every passing day. Strange right? For someone who cares so much to care less 'with each passing day'. Dont know if its the disappointment in everyone (are my standards too high?) or if its just crumbling-cookies (inevitable). But its happening. Oh well. Oh well.

Im also hooked to conversation. Oh well. Oh well. Guess its less obviously harmful in the short run. Of long run, i refuse to speak and embrace denial. See, another self-imposed even acknowledged illusion. *buries head under sand*

T for Theatre

For the past couple of days i've found myself waiting impatiently for the 2.45 bell to ring. That signals the end of the academic day and my entry into the audi. Its beautiful, the audi that is. Spacious with warm tones...best part? The Stage. Wide....golden brown....and toe curlingly attractive.

Right now, i love Things Fall Apart primarily because of the person who's teaching us. Major drooling-dripping-and-tripping-on-own-drool kind of respectful awwww!!!!! Basically, i love her. *beams*

B, our director, is making me push myself beyond limits of either propriety or comfort.... we're currently exploring romance/sexuality on stage.... laymans terms? girl on girl 'action' ...ahem.
But its more about discovering nuances in each stage of the relationship. Yesterday was a total disaster and today i kinda made sure i faced my worst fear. Proud to say, i was able to fight the discomfort. Moved beyond it. I had almost forgotten how much fun working with B could be. The rest of the world just melts away into the then colourless background.

Am almost aching to find the right words to fit the situation. Guess they dont exist. Sometimes i wonder what im really upto. My actions and dreams for the future seem a lil contradictory.
Dont want a future with v but still hold on to him.
Dont want to be a journalist, yet i find myself working as one!
Dont want to play mommy to coddle-me-types and yet unable to wriggle free.
(okay, the last isnt that relevant)
Like i told someone else the other day...maybe if i knew where i wanted to be...then i would be able to work TOWARDS it. until then, i guess its all talk and disjointed actions for me. My own personal script better include clear stage directions real soon..... or atleast a miracle where the path is unveiled to me. (preferably at the beach, but im not too choosy)

*i wish myself luck*
(it'll be real cool to see what it is i feel about the theatre workshop once its over) :D

yapping

"i could care both less and more but to figure that out i'd need a century or maybe three. ah. now dont i wish i believed in reincarnation? that room of mine (what a word, 'mine')- its got green 'tones' a mother says. MY mother? i like sleeping in a heavy blanket even during summer. almost as though i have three-four of me piled up on me. the airconditioning can always be lowered a notch. but im generally warm. effusive almost. sometimes, even when i dont feel like being. a 'false note'? no its just about expectations. when people hear you say hello one day then they expect it the next day and the day after. the day they dont hear it, its disconcerting. so i do it for them. quite the philanthropist i know. romance? whats that? a heavy word people fling around. they coddle it, love it, fuck it and then crib. yak yak yak. yarns have been written about it. god knows how many trees died to fill your bookshelf with words you'll never read and things you wont 'get'. speaking of which, you also wont get happiness or joy or enlightenment. dont snicker. i know more than you. or less. really cant say. i hope you didnt read this thinking i would tell you something sensational or riveting. its not happening. you may as well shake your head right now and mourn those wasted minutes. i'd like to see you unhappy. yes, i know i would."

(Read tag)

III year

Going through a phase. Its melting pot time. Everyone elses life seems to seep into mine and im bursting. Not will excessive weight or anything tangible. Just too much to think about.
In fact, if anyone bothers to cast a casual eye over my posts, each one is unique. I would go as far as to say....they're pretty inconstant. In terms of theme, genre, attitude.... everything. I guess for some of us, being inconstant is constant. *envies stability of thought*

Y went through horrible break up with girlfriend who dumped him for the 'mommy daddy' excuse. Mind you, excuse. Am not even going to try and make this mildly interesting or phrase it cleverly to elicit a laugh. Its sad.

Another friend tip toes into a *cough cough* ahem thing with relative stranger. Why? Because she wants to. Reason enough.

Theatre practice has finally begun in full swing and is giving me tons of fodder to chew upon. *munches*

While one relationship cracked under the pressure, i saw another one evolving into something far more special. I wonder how many more painful break-ups (among friends) i'll have to witness before i give myself up to utter cynicism?

No joyful revelation has entered my life so cant talk about bubbles and sunshine just yet.
Things are going on as always. thing A affects thing B and then thing C is looked at differently. oh. There is sometimes too much to write about but we hold back simply because there comes a time when you miss the point. Im missing the point. Something tells me i may just be less regular here. Unless of course a muse invades my sphere of existence.

Mood- Mr Mulliner (absurdity at its best)

i, crumple upright

how differently we each view
a thin slice of life
what one 'ooh's' over
the other, on that,
casts a disdainful eye

is it too a fashion
to dislike the posh?
that veils lightly,
a deep rooted sense
of innate inadequacy?

how many jaws drop
with the creaking of a heel?
as it snaps into pieces
ever so tiny

is a brave face donned?
a laugh quickly forged?
and nudges the brain
'look' it murmurs
'look at their impeccable dress'

it jars at first
and then it grates
'creak creak crr crr'
a part of you croaks

but no panic is displayed
for the show must go on
time ticks by
with hobbles synchronized

an escape into the world
barged through and braved glances
and all for what?
bloody society.

1st September 2008