Dee-rum-roll

Jean and i had a discussion bout existentialism and absurdity for about 100 texts which led absolutely nowhere (as is obvious). Sw and i figured it out in 3.
Sw- It doesn't make sense to kill yourself, regardless of Camus' idea.
Me- Yup.
Sw- We are brilliant :)

When it was discovered that an E51 has a 'Listen' feature in messages
S forwarded this -
"Ek chumma tu mujhko udhar de de. Badle mein UP bihar le le"
(Our tummy still hurts from laughing)

During Exams when stress levels tend to build up
S (to Sw and i both)- Conrad is probably laughing at all of us right now. From hell.
We never found out the truth about Conrad but it did drag a half choked laugh out of me...

Melancholic cause of a petty-phase that takes over everything and the advice is?
Sh-Drown yourself in something obviously bigger than yourself. Genocide, human rights has always done it for me. Puts everything in focus and slaps me into place. My problems are specks. I will live. So will you. And follow a path you're meant to.

Makes sense-eth plenty?
I love my friends.

Ps- S, have a great trip... and you'de better be back with uber-spicy-o stories.
*love*

college. *rolls eyes*

Yeah so apparently when i write something i REALLY believe in...no one 'gets' it. That, my friend, is tragic with a capital T. Make that the biggest 'T' your black marker can scrawl on an A4 size sheet. HUGE 'T'. Oh well life must go on and i must make an exaggerated attempt to follow it. Really now, NOT the way to talk...*smacks own self*

Im in college right now waiting for S to finish printing her assignment... Heart of Darkness....yes, we finally got around to it :)
okie...Tring. Bell.. gotta rush :(...wanna write so much more.
(computer poofed on me back home)..typical.

quick nutshell gist-

S's party actually managed to ..happen. yes and God supported both Shruti and i in the most creepy way... Auto's got free...everyone else got delayed (too)..and yeah just the 'right' amount of people showed up. Thankyouzzzz will be bestowed later(maybe)

okay gotta scoot..funti is eyeing the computer.... i mean...really...look away people!
NOW.... seriously...get a life!

ps-anu desperately wants a mention. she NEEDs one. okay, here you go. *pats head*

Swazii

friends are not people who agree with everything that you do.. nor are they people you simply confide in... you dont have to share every detail of your (in)significant life with them.... (if you are, then that cuts down on the time you have to actually LIVE life)... they're people you grow with.. who you help grow too. Not just in years... but grey cells if you're lucky! :0

sometimes they beg you to let something go..and you disagree.. stubbornly (sometimes, secretly..) a teeny bit guilt stricken you turn your back on sense and march right into disaster... waltz into mayhem?....jump into a murky pool?... slip into a dress that barely fits! ah. yes, a female-oriented odd metaphor.... i tell you, we do the foolish deed with eyes WIDE open (and specks firmly held in place)... but the sellotape holding the frame together is that same friendly advice without which the world may seem... may seem lopsided. I cant speak for the rest of the world who refuses to tell me its life story... but as things have turned out... my friends. real friends have always (always) known where to say 'no'. Unfortunately i havent always known when to agree. hey, im human...im allowed a mistake (or two) :D

there are people who you treasure..
there are people who you are happier for when something truly exceptional happens for them... and then there are moments when you both howl together because you dont know why you hurt each other and somehow, dont know any other way to feel 'better'. Better, What a wonderful word that encapsulates a HUGE sense of relief.

The same relief that a friend can give you just by telling you the truth when you need to hear it. Swazii Sezz this is for yooh
my best-est friend and (TOTALLY) harshest critic. Someone i should not turn to when my eyes well up with unwarranted tears *i dont get the sympathy hug*... but when i really need someone (and some sense knocked into me) guess who wins my vote? *HUG*

Now for the bullet points that are bursting to be articulated suddenly!

-On 26th Oct 2008, in Kanpur i scribbled something hastily on a paper napkin as it occurred to me... which went something like... the difference between dreams and reality is what leads to all the unhappiness in the world. Simple enough, i know but it got to me as i sat in some random eating-joint looking around and wondering why i wasnt completely ecstatic bout life as it stood in front of me painted in hues of pink-purple-grey. An odd thing to think perhaps considering i was in a position of extreme liberation and utter freedom....... but still, there you have it. the human bloody mind.

-Today i was reading something S had written in namita's class (she was feelin creative today. sheesh, why dont i have such days?...why do mine sneak up on me mid-writing?)... and i realized she was evolving as a writer... not just changing but improving... in an obvious way. But i dont see a change in my work... from three years ago, most definitely (i always wonder how parents instill faith in the kid when they sprout the worlds worst crap...my first few paintings and literary attempts werent exactly inspiring...but they always found ways to help me feel good about them... parents are FABULOUS)... coming back to S... her work reflects her essence best. abstract in a lovely way.

-I need to see Dostana, no not in the i-need-to-go-to-the-dentist way but more like.. i wanna ...*childish tantrum*.. jeez im totally tryin for that film appreciation course once third year exams are over! so totally... my real break!

Ps-met Gordimer and made her sign My Sons Story.. wasnt as big as a high as expected. tsk. what IS it with expectations?.. why do they still slink up outta nowhere??...
These questions, when will they be answered in black and white?
*want peace*...*demand peace*...*get peace*
:)

nothing rhymes with Kanpur.

I think every perfect room needs a perfect chair to park your bum and perfect book(s) to flip through. i will no longer put perfect in quotes insinuating that perfection isnt possible or relative. One thing i do know... though being glum and melancholic with violent shades of grey is currently in vogue... it doesnt make one happy. and WHY bother being anything else but?

The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.

Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.

i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....

i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.

ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)

Reality-Finally!

Wow...what a way to celebrate the 200th post...yes, nows your cue to cheer :D
Im back. Yup. The family holiday got over and honestly im in love. Not with the place...not with the people...not with anyone in particular. More like an idea. See, after years of putting it off (subconsciously saving the best for later i tell myself)...i read Ayn Rand' The Fountainhead. No i will not gush. I will not become a cliche'. I will not talk about the 5 pens i used up scribbling my thoughts on pages that never seemed to end..and that i almost clung to (i didnt even want it to end...cuz then there would be the resolution...and god help someone out there if it wasn't just bloody fantastic)...luckily..it was. but not in an obscene way. In a life-goes-on but lets-be-strong way. Okay, my way of expressing it is too poor but ...it changed stuff. It changed how i viewed stuff for the past few days. I think it may just have changed me for good. Oh damn. Ive never been a good adapter.

But lets talk about the weekend. Not in chronological order cuz that would just be an insult. Okay, not really. but ahhhhh. So bloody much to say/think/feel. One constant thought. Im in love. The sea...finalllyyyyy....im back to loving it in the same-yet-different way. It kinda pulls you in...(yes, i am aware of the scientific facts behind the tug..have had my basic education you know!)...and if you look at it from a certain angle (my angle)...it pulls away your negativity and swallows it up whole. A LOT of embarrassing stuff happened... i wore the wrong kinda shirt (ahem)....tore my Pjs (badlyyy!!)....kicked/punched someone really helpful (purely by accident)....it was all unplanned and messed up..but i had a blast. Went on a banana boat (which basically tosses you out into the ocean at regular painful intervals).....Jet Ski-eddddd....just wallowed in the water.....and gave-in. To what? Just thoughts. I dont know. Its been a strange 4 days (maybe 5). But im SO super glad i went. A lot of stuff has changed. For starters there is still tons of water in my ear! Im totally outta the loop )study wise. And i met a pal. Someone who i connected with...and that is super-rare. Thank you Sa (pal)...sorry for accidently punching+kicking you. :D i dont know why i added the smiley! But somehow...you made the trip 79% of what it was! :):):)

Not a typical post...but then..what is? :P
Im BACK!
ps-Will try and put up some snaps!
ps2- i feel like im in this bubble that cant be pierced...its not exactly happy-happy...cuz that would be temporary..more like a cushion...that even if stuff gets to me...it wont get to ME. like, there will always be a part that gets squashed...but also another part (in that same squashed part) who will be okay. And being okay is very important.

Gotta keep moving. :D

For A. :)

"I want a guy to woo me. To prove to my boyfriend that guys like that exist." -A

Welcome to the 21st century relationship-conversation.
The battle between what a man is and what his girlfriend wants him to be.

There is no resolution.
The End.

Okay, i admit...i can never leave things ambiguous. :).. or incomplete. Unless ofcourse its setting up a weird technical glit-chy thingamagig. (translation- technology related items)
So, was talking to A (after about a gazill years) and the talk turned to her relationship. Four years and still counting. Is it unrealistic to expect the romance to survive 4 harsh winters? (not to mention summers springs monsoons...you get the picture)

Her bf thinks yes. We, naturally, think otherwise. Loud declarations about how its a fundamental right, to articulate what one wants, are made. Positive words conjured up. Heads are scratched and advice showered. Emotions fly unchecked. The Earth continues to revolve at its normal pace and we finally run out of breath. After the clucking subsides, we're kinda left where we started out. Nowhere. When you love someone, no matter how annoyingly irritatingly grr-producing they are...you accept them. (unless ofcourse they're personally responsible for the massacre of red-cheeked lil babies or something)

No matter how freakishly vehement A's words seem to be as they lash out at the male species...i kinda KNOW tomorrow it'll be a distant memory. Girls are kind of predictable that way. So where does MY role come in? Why invest in a conversation thats ultimately gonna trot right back where it began? Well, for starters...you care about your friend (the whole my shoulder is yours bit..:)...) and there doesnt need to be a secondly. Not advocating weekly therapy sessions here but as a pal, you gotta sometimes let people vent it out. And when the steam clears up... you realize just listening helped (also the witty banter but thats another story! :P).

So A, here is to you *raises imaginary glass*... May you find that special someone to woo you and prove to your bf that guys like him exist. And then, when you're spoilt for choice as to whom to choose...call S! *mwahahaha*.... (kidding. well. kinda. you know i love you! hehe)

(Things are only as serious as you make them out to be....even heartbreak can be eclipsed with a timely wisecrack)

ciao :D

In good spirits also because have realized, at some level, what one fears most is getting hurt. And getting hurt isn't that big of a deal anyway. The fear of it is something one has to move beyond. A, proud of you babe. And not even totally sure why! :P

To all busy-bodies. Grr.

I dont know if i should be more disappointed in myself or in others. Perhaps in myself for (once again) believing in others. Moron that i am. (kicks self)
W makes it so easy... asks me. So why do you expect things? As if i dont ask myself that!...all the time!!!!!!.......

Eyes hurt from exertion. Almost murmuring gently that they've done their job...now rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. I plod on mechanically...typing. Hoping some coherance will emerge. :p
Tired. Tired. Tired. (very)

So many illusions that one has to fight against. Ones that people want you to believe (i'll be there for you....tadadum)....Ones you want yourself to believe (the world is a great place and good things happen to good people).....Ones that you rarely wake up to (splash! they sting like salt sprinkled over a fresh wound)...

Which reminds me. somethings changing. seem to care less with every passing day. Strange right? For someone who cares so much to care less 'with each passing day'. Dont know if its the disappointment in everyone (are my standards too high?) or if its just crumbling-cookies (inevitable). But its happening. Oh well. Oh well.

Im also hooked to conversation. Oh well. Oh well. Guess its less obviously harmful in the short run. Of long run, i refuse to speak and embrace denial. See, another self-imposed even acknowledged illusion. *buries head under sand*

Gabbing

A very-much-in-relationship-for-3-years cousin asked me....what exactly do you talk about on the phone?(to FRIENDS please note) Isnt it a "waste of time"?.... Well, i guess its all really about perspective.

While some find pleasure in tracking steps of their ahem partners..and taking accounts for each second that they're not with them. Others (like yours truly) being deprived of this fascinating dance, called slippery possessive eels, find solace in talking to friends. Yes! i talk on the phone A LOT! and i mean...pretty much a LOT! No, not normally the 5 hour conversation gurl...but each time a (close) friend calls im hooked for a good 15 mins. They're of course more your usual 'update' conversations which hinge on whine sessions(mutual)/existentialist angst(argh!how meaningless is it all!)/choco cravings (mine)/romantic cravings (fluctuate)/studies(rarely)/assignment deadlines(but that comes under whine!) and the rest of your usual single-20-year-olds-in-delhi issues.

Why exactly ARE these important? Well, for starters (DRUMROLL) this is how we bond.
Secondly, (As if we even NEED a 'secondly' now!) this is how i get to know the 2nd perspective! What? Let me explain. There are actually 3 perspectives on each person. There is the image you have of yourself (superfically? smart slim pretty awesome)...The second (different) one is that which PEOPLE have of YOU (superficially? smart-ish pretty-ish nice-ish)..... And the last version of you is the REAL version. Which neither you nor the people are around you are completely able to identify (given the law of change and evolution...cuz even if you eventually land up and point out the 'correct' version at ONE point of time...by that time you've already changed...hence, you.will.never.know!)

So, point being...you can get the SECOND version by grabbing on to a reliable+blunt soul and demanding the liberating albeit harsh truth. Its often quite pleasant and more often extremely daunting. (just last night S and i realized that not everyone HAS to find us awesome...GASP!...)
Do we really need to push it and think of a third reason too? Yea yea we all know the rest of it... talking is a way of being 'there' for someone....showing affection/love....bla bla! Point is. Im gonna find as many reasons to rationalise it as humanly possible. Simply cuz, i do it. Cuz it makes me happy and gives me a sense of 'right-ness'. I know things will never be replicated exactly in the future and probably my world WILL be turned upside at least 40 times before i turn 21 but its about NOW. When im busy 'wasting' my time. Im actually, ironically, in the present. Its one of the few times i savour moments (the other being when i hug them to myself before drifting off to sleep! :D) and allow someone to share that joy/other emotion.

Ps-i know it may SOUND like im totally against people in relationships. Im not. I just dont think its okay to umm talk down to someone just cuz you have an alternate system of belief/action. Cuz if you do that then im sorely tempted to reciprocate. And this is one time i dont feel like trying to control the urge. :P
*the dark side takes over...whoops*

Pps-the novella you ask? umm, im thinking of basing it on a 20 years olds life... now WHERE would i go for inspiration? *ponders* :D