aware

There is a lot to be said for living in the moment. The thing is, as we grow up, the people we meet are more or less people we choose to let into our lives. We start out with family, then teachers and end up with a small (or large) circle of handpicked friends. It’s a charming life in theory and of course comes with its own unique baggage. A friend once recommended that I hold on to beautiful memories and let the same warm my heart over and over again. Somehow I found the idea distasteful, not because each experience is like a single-use-wet-tissue but more so because there was a sorrowful context attached to the suggestion. The idea that we must accept the beauty of those moments as lost to us, that we must move on and yet hold on firmly to what was rather than anticipate a better tomorrow. The thing is, if we don’t expect more… want more… improve or at least intend to, then we’re as useful as an orangutan. Meaning no disrespect to orangutan’s, I am sure if its are explored in detail some richness of purpose will be found in their existence but the idea remains that it’s simply illogical to exist and accept loss as inevitable. It’s unfair to dwell on past joys and use them as a crutch for a sad lack of them in the future. You owe it to yourself to be happy, successful and ambitious. It is completely unethical to settle when you know in your heart that you have the potential to make more meaningful decisions.

Another friend constantly has the urge to shake people out of their self-induced misery. Sometimes is join her in the outrage and other times I shrug it off as inevitable. Some of us just like to be martyrs in our own eyes, railing against the unfairness of life and the most common, unrequited longing. Passion converted into wet cheeks that melt into innocent pillows. What a royal waste of energy.

I landed up in Rishikesh this last weekend with elder sister and friends. It was one of those last-minute trips that I had agreed to thinking it would be a pleasant ‘break’ if my own plans to escape Delhi didn’t see daylight. It turns out, wise decision :)
Brilliant weather and of course an extremely eventful trip. We saw it all, the harsh unforgiving sun, the glory of Ganga, the peace of the evening aarti, patriarchy strengthened with age, wild rapids and the eight of us clinging on to the orange raft. I shall now laugh at anyone who rambles on about a battle with nature. Darling child, there is battle only among equals. Nature could flick her smallest toenail at us and wipe out a tiny city. :)

Some parts were naturally better than others; I liked the silence of a quiet cell-phone, loved the uncomfortably cold water, snuggled into the sand and of course bathroom humour can never be the same after a camping trip :)
Wanted to write something poetic to maybe do the trip justice but writers block triumphs and I find myself extremely limited.
Moments that still stand out?

- A futile race with gleeful winds at the army cant.
- Dinner and lunch at obnoxiously reasonable rates
- Meditative aarti that eats the cake for the most beautiful moment ever
- Long car rides and an overburdened air conditioner
- Two hours spent trying not to fall off the raft
- Body surfing with life jackets (them oddly making it harder to breathe)
- The million steps down to camp, weighed down by lime green backpacks
- The white sand
- The once-green-now-brown water
- The sauna tent and silent hours
- The overtly populated sky
- Crazy rainfall and unsafe roads
- Plan B’s and new roads mapped
- Random conversation and old songs
- A warm jacket and a dripping car roof
- A still-lit cigarette making its way to my wrist
- A walk on sun baked slabs, barefoot

I loved the trip. In all of its confused convoluted disorganized glory. Will I ever go again? I don’t know. But I have learnt this, among other things, it is important to live in the moment and allow the sun to bake your once-less-brown skin. It is also necessary to remember the feelings and lessons that go with any experience. But at the same time, I cannot live my life recounting Rishikesh each and every day. We need to move on to the new, carrying with us trust and hope that it’ll be a beautiful experience as well. Don’t settle for stale memories. Keep your first ever rose, pressed carefully between the pages of your favorite book but know that the fragrance from the flower cannot last. Treasure the love you had once received but don’t let it consume all of your attention. Give yourself the chance to like the future as well.

God Bless :)

nothing rhymes with Kanpur.

I think every perfect room needs a perfect chair to park your bum and perfect book(s) to flip through. i will no longer put perfect in quotes insinuating that perfection isnt possible or relative. One thing i do know... though being glum and melancholic with violent shades of grey is currently in vogue... it doesnt make one happy. and WHY bother being anything else but?

The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.

Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.

i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....

i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.

ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)