On the prowl for something sweet in the fridge i chanced upon a lone cube of Milk Man Cheese. I stared at it with sad eyes and it stared back forlornly at me. Now as i nibble it (it turned out to be an odd mirch variety...not sweet...*makes face*)...i allow myself to dream. to think of all the possibilities and equations.
Easy Shortcut One- leave practically all forms of eca and devote all the time i have to studies and post-literature exam preparation. ah. hours full of free time. no classes bunked. well slept nights. less frowns and piles more guilt. close to perfect? i allow myself to drift further into nightmare/dream... a spicy life. kind of like this cheese cube. but also stale. (again, like cheese cube)
Easy Way Two- disconnect from everyone. train myself to become a robot. no emotions. mechanical moves. no tv, phone, internet surfing...ie. absolutely no scope for wasting time. Forget about familial committments and relationships. Proceed with admirable calm of mind and mental strength. Not wince when i miss one lecture of modernism. Stop formulating wild plans of 'making-up' the course and begging for extra lectures. Stop caring and thinking so much...more focus on activity.
Easy Way Three- (is it me or are these really not easy?) continue as always. with fingers in each pie. just enough time to breathe. swinging between self-sacrificial air and losing-control. Acting like a loon. and shrivelling up with each passing day. not-an-option.
i-wish-i-was-stone and life was something that was as simple as people stepping over or on me as they clamber on to happier destinations. Then id know what to expect. Its the unknown thats terrifying. Absolutely scary. Its like the Kenyan concept of chi... According to their belief system, you (the soul) comes down (presumably) with the life you're gonna lead already mapped out. but just to prevent people from getting lazy and refusing to attempt to reach for more..the soul forgets what he chose before birth..so everyone can keep trying to be the best they can be...and if their chi agrees...all good...if it doesnt then you dont know the outcome of your hard work till your life has been completely lived. human initiative guaranteed and disappointment is minimum during life-on-earth. So for me, i wish i knew what my chi had decided...in fact, i dont even know what i WANT. i want to know it all...but i really know very little, esp when it comes to me.
They say (B does) self-questioning is indicative of a 'good' person. Normally, id say...whats good? but today i say...i dont know the self. Douglas Adams, i know why your books have sold a gazillion copies...i know. and its nothing i can emulate. You had it right all along...we've been looking for THE answer and we dont know the bloody question.
Mood- Pensive
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