The Unspoken- normally

This is going to be a very unusual blog.. full of things (normally) left unspoken.
Because I really can't say them without breaking about 40 social conventions... Here goes..
because "better out than in" right?
or is that only flatulence related?...
:)

v- You're absolutely lovely. I love seeing your pictures on Facebook because your months are full of travel and you're dressed like a dream! pure girl-to-girl appreciation there! (sidenote- wonder how long i can pull off addressing self as a "girl"?... 27 hello!)
also... from a purely aesthetic sense i adore your clothes and shoes... its beautiful to see such sunshine and sparkle.

h and o, dreamt of you Both last night! wonder what that means... hasn't it been long enough? quite confusing when I'm at a loose end.. otherwise not really so.

v2- sending loooove... hang on.... this is the one I can Actually text :) Yay!

n- don't dream of you much... only mild curiosity there... wonder how you're doing!

As you've realised this blog is primarily about V1!
it's silly right when all you're thinking are positive compliments but it would be weird to actually send that out to someone who is barely an acquaintance!?!
but it's nice to see people looking lovely and seemingly effortlessly flowing through life.

but the thing to remember is, which i frequently remind mum, fb is essentially projection.
it's how i want to appear and i control that image.
or at lease one tries to.
that's why for all practical purposes.. I don't really exist there.
my past exists virtually... but the present is all business :)
because it doesn't really seem like the space to express something genuine or meaningful...
essentially Ill be catering to 400 odd strangers and then the few well wishers.

I wonder why the term well wisher has fallen into disuse... or less use rather!
because are we looking at those who surround us with that perception anymore?
or is anyone that we met at a party a (fb) "friend" now?
and if they are... and they mean nothing to us.. and we to them...
how many people "liking" our pictures mean us well?

on the positive side they won't feel aggressive towards us... but it probably swings between disinterest and neutrality...
so where is the friendship? the banter, the conversation, the love? or the warmth?
(if love felt too strong an emotion)
but i don't know why it would... love follows naturally after compatibility and the most important Trust. especially in friendships... where we (presumably) hold less expectations...
but also, as experience the mighty teacher has shown, friendships are no less than long term "relationships"... and they often have more drastic upheavals..

I have many theories about my roller coaster past with friendships... one was of course the recognition that since I, at age 11, told someone exactly what i though Their problem was... is that i mess up occasionally in my delivery! cough cough... okay.. no no I'm still sticking with "occasionally".

the other was that I'm something of a "chikna ghada", a smooth pot? come on... i sincerely felt an "lol" moment rise up.
so I essentially take longer to learn a lesson unless its
1- in my face
2- said with strength/the scolding voice
3- has a consequence so visible that i cannot bury my head in the sand (like i was naturally inclined to do... small sidenote- flight mode, escaping/avoiding the obvious... especially but not limited to tell tale signs)

due to this potentially damaging quality... i figured that Prakriti and the Universe had to work just a little harder on me to let the lesson stick.
so recapping a bit... only the tough love knocks.
age (tentatively)
16 (or school) learned it was good to follow my instinct when  it came to divulging LESS
     people can change overnight and enid blyton inspired "friendships" and principles don't transfer      easily to 21st century Delhi... little bit of bookish idealism was shed. Thank God!

21 ummm... quite a few but mainly needed to work harder on accepting people as they were.

24? Trust Trust Trust. major life learning... realization that i had negligible understanding of people and relationships. serious wake up call. and how to handle confused emotions maturely and not in a disastrous destructive mess of word vomit!

and now... it's hard to recap Now since I'm still understanding how to somehow take all the previous lessons and apply them... but I have a lot of help.. so I'll figure it out :) and then write about it in my 30's with a different kind of background music serenading me :)

This was a good post... see? constructive recapping word vomit.
I'm learning.
I'll get there.


in ^ i Trust :)
love!

Many Changes :)

What a change, huh?

from knowing zilch... to the realization that one knows zilch.
chalo, better late than never right?

I mean you go through (lets count) 8 years of University.. multiple social relationships..
transitory (sad smiley) "friendships".. numerous conversations... a variety of phases... a multitude of mood swings!... coming together, growing apart, cracking apart, running towards one another...
and what records it all is the internet.. or rather, gmail. facebook. (oh Lord) Orkut?!? (it's not there anymore, right? something is archived somewhere but?)... and remember Hi5? teehee...

and every once in a while you feel nostalgic and skim through those online archives... for me chats are what really rub your nose in all the changes life has taken you through...
who Was that person?
what on Earth was she so preoccupied about?
Where on Earth did she have the time to talk about/see/think about/do all those random things?
and just how Much life has changed.

All I feel is a big fat sigh. that's it.. a sigh. for all those nonsensical conversations...
like, really? because sam1.0 is very different from sam2.something....
thinks differently.. reads different things.. (mostly.. except for airplane reading.. which is pure junk)
and therefore... Does things differently.. has less of an internet stamp... is much more reserved with her words... doesn't Weigh them exactly but muses on them a little more... and let's face it... needs the sleep. but the good thing is... well... there are many :)

but why get too personal.. *she says erasing the last moderately personal para she wrote*
:)
let's just call it a smiley :)

anyway too much has changed and most of it internally... and some of it externally...
what can i say... we're all growing up matey :)
love and determination to all!

Hello!

Is this a platform for the truth?
That.is.the.Question.

Maybe that's why I've written some blogs and left them halfway.. dangling... unfinished. and completely incomplete.

because, as we know, this is a space that can be as the writer chooses.

a dark pit of ugly rants.
or full of-
justifications.
allegations
breaking bonds
making contact
sending feelers
spreading happiness
sharing news
expressing ...

isn't it strange how "expressing" comes so much later?
because the million dollar question is, who are you expressing to?
why here?
why now?
why at all?

and because of that I've been mum about some pretty big changes, collisions, and just about everything that matters... except of course my academics... which can always feature here... completely sanitised of all emotions.

so I Want to tell you the truth... but the question remains... why here? why now?
and so we move on :)

Tis the season... to be Wedded :)

too many weddings, engagements and proposals floating around delhi!
actually, that's exactly in reverse order!
Proposals, Rokas and Shaadis :)
wait wait wait
Proposals, Pre Bridal shoots, dancing dancing dancing, choreographed dancing, Rokas, and Shaadis :)

just ask A, this is Literally her area of expertise! (choreographer extraordinaire)
so as i Attend some weddings and definitely experiment with my newly developing skill of eye makeup..
i begin to wonder about the pressure the Bride is feeling!
i mean here i am, a guest, dabbing and sliding that glittery eye shadow base... basically clowning around with the eyeliner, nonchalantly using earbuds dipped in make up remover to give myself that winged look... basically having a gala time, wondering what else i can dab on without it looking over the top...  rushing around in the rain, contemplating wearing flats (the horror the horror!), not Really worried because well, it isn't "my" day... but there is this other person getting ready somewhere in delhi..
groaning because the clouds have burst and she's worried about her hair.. her make up, her clothes, her own secret butterflies doing the tango in her tummy, smiling!, not smiling too much!, relatives, and somehow looking her "best"!
Oh God.. she has this one day (ok, Many days) to look her absolute "best".
what is this best?
how are we supposed to magically look our best one day?
and what Is best?
what mum thinks? friends think? the fashionable relatives think? the conservative relatives think? the husband thinks? who? who decides?
the bride? really... not too sure about that.
because every single person has a different opinion about "best".
some like it understated, some like it blingy, some like both! and most don't know what they like.. they know what they Dislike. (category-me!) Or know what they like in their Mind and don't know any way of getting to it ! (Also category me!)

Oh God. i can only sigh and breathe heavily.. because as a guest i doll up in 15-25 mins including strapping on 5 inch heels (as if the flats stood a chance! :))
but this one occasion that im so cavalier about..is someone elses special day.
newfound respect for special days :)

Happy Wedding season everyone... enjoy the Jalebis... Yum!

"Girls"

So I started writing a post (another post) about cars and delhi and safety and it became sort of a :(
buzz-kill sad bad world type post.
so i dropped it.
because the world needs more rainbow noticing and less negative focusing (uh. tried to rhyme that last sentence)

Anyway.
this is more mature 26 (nearly 27) years old me. the one who Knows there is more to life than rainbows... However, the idea is to enjoy focusing on them whilst being Aware of other aspects and practicing becoming a better person vis-a-vis new circumstances and experiences.

A little bit in thankfulness to S who made me not-delete this blog when i had the urge many years ago,
if you're reading.. Thank You!!

Anyway, I think i enjoy this blog Way more than anyone reading it.
It's fun to see what bits i chose to let slip out and the bits i sneakily chose to not refer to.
snigger snigger.

AnyHOO... I used to not like the show "Girls" a few years(?) ago.. I don't know when I discovered it... probably around the time i started streaming videos from the net..Umm.. cant say.
but definitely when the first season had just begun.
and i could Not connect to the protagonist and her life choices.
from what i remember of the first season... it involved a Lot of uh.. (how to put it politely?) ..
intimacy(?) with a guy who didnt treat her very well.. and she was plump and naked on screen Quite a Lot. and i just wasnt ready to see someone not TV beautiful (yes, that is a real category of women... it's the Normal person on the street person) On TV and very very naked.. most of the time!

it was like Game of Thrones without the perfect toned figures.
at least that's what i remember. i didnt re-watch it. i was very very umm disturbed?

but then M told me about it recently and i was all "nooooo you like that?"
and then i just started from season 2. dumped season 1 and its disturbing memories and skipped on ahead. Spoilers ahead!
now Hannah (protagonist) was in a committed sort of relationship. oh wait. they were broken up and then back together. and she Did again behave in a Not-me way.. calling the cops on him. lots of stuff.
but she was trying to get her stuff together.
and she still seemed a little umm unusual in her behaviour but she made more sense because i stopped expecting her to behave as i would.
which was a relief... because although we both like writing (yes, me! and fictitious character).. i dont know what im saying.

basically show is not that bad now.
or maybe i have too much time.
and i should reaaaaally focus on my PhD.
and finish like ONE CHAPTER!!!!

fyi.. Game of Thrones got too violent for me post the Mountain episode.. actually PRE it.
sort of wiki-ed the story and got bummed out.. aint no rainbows in That sitcom because
Wintaaaaaaar is a ALWAYS COMING!
okay i know its spelled "Winter" but Wintaaaaaaar just had a better accent to it.

going to go to bed now.
SEEEEEE YA
this was just a little bit of a ramble.. Hello future me!

#

Maybe this is better suited for a tweet... but i'm not Entireeeely sure everyone knows what the hashtag is all about!

#everythingiwishtosayorwriteaboutphotoiwillsayherebecauseitlookscuter

but... do we all remember >#< is just a good way of connecting to a conversation that is happening worldwide (presumably) about the Same issue...?

#modispeech
#mangalyaan

makes sense to find out what the prevailing happy opinion is... #sisterlovefun #drinking... just gives everybody else in the world Access to your fun and drinking and uh.. you!

#wishicouldsaythisonfacebook :)
yes, I get the irony :)

ANGRY

I am SO ANGRY.

wow. those are words i haven't typed here often.
but i am so ANGRY that these words MUST be typed out.

I AM ANGRY AT THE MORONS, sorry, the IGNORANCE displaying ones who are STILL BARBARIC PRIMITIVE MINDED CAVE MEN AND WOMEN.

in fact i dont know much about the humanity of cave men so i may even be insulting them!

so let's talk about it without shouting (yeah, Right)

CASE- deepica padukone (yes, the gorgeous actress) had some sleazy photographer capture her cleavage from a vantage point. ie. someone took a snap of her chest from above and made a video out of it.

next, TOI covers it lecherously excited about cleavage display

DP gets agitated and tweets

TOI's rebuttal is oh you skanky kingfisher calendar girl, you haven't got any right to demand respect.. look consenting chest display in other photos

DELUGE of ARTICLES ... some opposing TOI, the SANE ONES... and then there were others.

i am saddened that educated academics can be part of the industry of misogyny. can promote and condone such articles quoting "diversity of opinion". the dont feel the pain of a 1000 sisters labelled "slut", "enticing rape" "asking for it"..

i am ASHAMED to know such perverted shameful disgusting pieces of stinking brains exist on my facebook list

I AM ANGRY

i am tired of commenting and re-commenting and arguing and posting and trying to knock some SENSE into people.

it is about CONSENT
you CANNOT take anyone for granted because YOU feel their moral compass is flawed... you CANNOT say it is ok to objectify her because she is a sexy woman who flaunts her chest WHEN IT PLEASES HER.

hello!!! WHEN IT PLEASES HER.
not when it PLEASES YOU to climb up a ladder and gawk down and zoom in and circle her mammary glands! and add a pointer!!!

so you will not objectify someone who is dressed in a sari and has a nip slip, is it?
you'll say 'no no' she's a virgin clad from head to toe... must not objectify HER.

i could smack you all up.
esp those who insist... you know what... im going to pull a RSS on you... ban ALL misogynists and ALL SHARING their damn posts.

*keeps simmering*

women, PLEASE take a stand
men, PLEASE take a stand

HUMAN KIND. please Say NO to OBJECTIFICATION. regardless of who is objectified.