And you would be?

Dear weird sensation in stomach,

i am not quite sure of what you are...you jump into my life rudely when least expected and demand my attention like a wailing baby...but unfortunately i cannot ignore you and pass you on to people who do care about wailing babies cuz no one else knows you either...or they're very good liars...when you invade my space in the morning...i think it may be something i ate the day before...when you prance around in the afternoon i believe it to be stress...and when at night you rear your head and wink insolently...i assume its something more...

you cause knots to appear out of nowhere and my tongue gets tangled up in my teeth...i feel like bending over and surrendering to you even...just to see how very far you would push me...what doesnt kill you..makes you stronger...but sometimes....what hangs around and pinches your comfort annoys you and makes life harder...i wonder why you exist...your certainly not the source of any power..you make me wanna run away...far away...all alone...just near one leaf which when rubbed on the tummy will make you go away..

its not that i dont like you...your not overtly unpleasant...but your just a reminder of one more thing, out of the billion, that i am unaware of....and when i think of you...i remember the rest of knowledge denied to me too...its not you thats the issue...its what your represent and remind me off...your queer and normally i would find that quirkily interesting...maybe even ask you insightful questions while my friends would sigh at how predictable it all was...but your just too common in me and uncommon in the rest...you bother me..

explain why your around and maybe ill let you stay..

*just one of those losing-my-brain moments*

Green Day, Oasis, Travis, Eminem Aerosmith Boulevard Of Broken Songs Lyrics

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I walk alone I walk alone
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
I walk alone I walk a-

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me '
Till then I walk alone

Every day I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my eye won't go away
The radio is playing all the usual
What's a Wonderwall anyway

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
Read between the lines
What's f**ked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
I walk alone I walk alone

By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I walk alone I walk a-

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would Like to say to you
I don't know how I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do

Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a-
Because maybe
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
You're gonna be the one who saves me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
You're gonna be the one who saves me
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Till then I walk alone
Sing with me,(Sing!) sing for the year (Sing It!)
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear (Comeon!)
Sing with me,just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

heat

words can do little justice to a revelation...

We need others for company, comfort, love and affection...all things that we need to learn to live without or elicit from our own being..Our shadow keeps us company croons a popular song and the truth in that can be seen in a 5km walk at 2 in the afternoon...when the scorching sun beats down on your blistered shell of a body...you will know..you walk alone and there is nothing or no one to keep you company...perhaps..no one you would want to anyway...and then "What you think of me...Is none of my business" becomes obsolete as what you think of me ...wont affect me cuz your not with me and you never will....id rather listen to me and make my other relationships redundant cuz they can never provide me with what i will need...
call it what you want...neither is it my business to care and nor am i interested in entertaining your shrill opinions...world..just back off...

I need S-P-A-C-E and im going to get it

and i thought i had Writers Block...

Random NOW thoughts

1. i HATE catering to an audience. Hate it.
2. the dreams i have are not only unusual ...they're also abnormal and embarassing..
*covers face with grimy hands*
3.my hands are grimy
4.i got them 'done' today
5.i am not happy
6.people are mean
7.im not happy cuz people are mean
....to me
8.are we allowed to be insensitive?
9.i dont see a 'be sensitive' police anywhere
10.even if there was one...it would probably be corrupt
and let all the rich kids do what they want
11.im a cynic
12.just today i told someone 'im not a cynic'
13.i told a lie
14.is it okay to lie if you dont know your lying?
15.is it okay to tell the truth?
16.is it 'normal' to forget what you've talked to someone about?
17.considered strange if you hate someone cuz you love em too much?
18.that red earmuff has gold spangles in it
19.i miss the pink one...it was prettier
20.i wanna get a personality test
21.since i cant figure out the world i might as well start with me
22.i miss someone
23.i wish i didnt
24.i wish i also knew who
25.i miss something
26.also wish i didnt
27.i want to be whished away
28.i want to get a call
29.i want my phone to have a long lasting battery
30.iwish i didnt misspell 'battery' each time i spell it
31.i love b for giving me word web...who knew it would be so useful
32.i miss b
33.why are we scared of taking names?
34.i dont want people to read what i write
35.but i wanna be a writer
36.how will i earn tons of bread?
37.how?
38.will i starve to death begging for a frie?
39.i dont want people to get to me
40.no one
41.i dont like people who PISS me off
42.cuz its PISSING off and makes me feel like hitting them
43.HARD
44.its a testament to my control that i dont
*pushes voodoo doll under bed with foot*
45.how can people i normally like irritate me?
46.i guess i just dont like change
47.or aggressiveness..which is strange cuz im that way
48.and im also turned on by it
49.i dont like wimps
50.some part of me still likes who i shouldnt
51.and always will
52.im a fatalist, romantic, feminist and easily irritatidist(yehp)
53.the above was in no particular order...stream of consciousness
54.i like being me
55.im pretty enough
56.smart enough
57.hot enough (trust me)
58.have mood swings
59.also a rebel who doesnt stop at 5o points as others would
60.im a secret sore loser
61.not a wannabe
62.more a 'willbe' 'am' but never 'was'
63.i have a queer mind
64.am fascinated by omar
65.like the impossibly queer and willbes
66.dislike phonies (but not those who are nice to me)
67.surprisingly blunt and shockingly private all at once
68.its impossible to define me...only me....all the rest of you are easy peasy
69.i have an ego...a big one
70.have been told it edges-out-god...still retained mine
71.if only cuz some people dont want me to have one
72.i dont like them and never will

'Free Writing'

the heat pours out
shadows remain
no link or wire
words will frame
an ache so different
delicately it rolls
like a grain of sand
b/w two fingers caught
mood is moulded
into a conical shape
with lights flickering
and skin ripping
the zz of the razor
and narrowed eyes
always confining
in expectaions drowned
clarity is lacked
a joint found
pressure on the toe
right left or centre
an itchy chin
and solance in being alone
not meditative
not obscure
hard to find
easy to hold
laugh a little
play some more
shrug those shoulders
give up on prose
enjoy the scent
stretch that neck
chew those carrots
and your mom please
read some messages
others delete
pick up the pace
lift those feet
sense the flow
indulge in conversations, sure
sparkle like that stone
drink water pure
close the door
leave not scope
for an 'or'
brush hair
fingers hold
dont always do
what your told

(one of the few posts that i would genuinely hate to revise and make more 'correct')

Instead of just waking up
and putting on some 'make up'

do

sit up
with eyes very wide
and pull the hair

pull them not gently
ensure no care
tug not like the breeze
maybe some violence
to the soul would appease

the eyes blink too
furiously at that
while the pink nail paint
begins to crack

let the hands fall loose
and the pace decrease
a whiff of perfume
in the air
will then seep

the future ignore
and the past too
hold out not hands
to fortune tellers
or those who sew

nothing you cant mend
has been sown till date
but words declared
which actions later failed

like rings fall in fingers
and babies welcome milk
know not whats where
just sway sway sway

---

absolved of all 'sin'