rum business

I had a super awesome concept all mapped out in my head. it had to be a pseudo-battle between what-i-think-im-like and what-i-want-to-convince-others-about-my-own-perception-bout-self (messy i know, you dont have to 'get' it) ..add to the murk another dollop of what-i-currently-think-i-would-like-HIM-to-think-of-me-as....

very twisted i know, probably i'll need about 40 years of therapy if i try and unravel exactly why i was intent on articulating that. Hmmpf. SO i wont try. See, i win.

but i got the whole 'the vision we have of ourselves is inaccurate' bit right. and then i went all loopy. became too personal and *chokes* personal. plus, not fun. just seemed like i was repeating what OTHER people had told me about me. how self-involved IS that?
you know, the usual bull crap like.. rosy pink+smart+worth more(wrt crushes)... yeah and the positive element. Meet bundle of joy that is me. Yehp right. They obviously have NOT been introduced to the crummy-cynical me that pops up every once in a while.
Actually, oddly enough they have but still stick like superglue to the ridiculous notion that i dont have a dark side. and this is not me fishing for 'Aww how adorable'. This is me clarifyin... where there is light then darkness is inevitable (at the most basic philosophical level)

i would like to be a lil mysterious-super-hero(ine) kinda hard-to-see-through person. Unfortunately as circumstances are... my cheeks and nose seem to spell out my life history for any innocent bystander to be subjected to. Plus my mouth has an annoying habit of giving-away every lil thing i wanna keep and hug to myself. Lack of self control. Tsk tsk.
No, i really dont do the 'blonde' bit and tell EACH bystander my 20 years of experience... but somehow, if anyone (with half a lousy brain) DOES bother to hang around and be chummy... they end up calculating how many chips im gonna grab before i buy the packet. OKay, again not SO bad but getting there fast. or maybe im hangin out with smart-er people these days. *gasp no!* :(

Anyway, as usual i seem to have rambled on for no good reason. im kind of happy that im now moving on from certain dead-end areas that have been lurking around the recesses of my mind for months now...they've eaten up MOST of my balance while examining them with S... and i've come to an almost unconscious decision in the most lovely gradual-edging-out way. and it doesnt even need will power. im a car running on automatic now. letting the path guide me, not with markers, but with the way the road curves. horribly fatalistic. But im afraid party number 2-3-4-5 (...) is going to get a little hurt. :( sorry but i hope your path is not too scratchy cuz of my screeching off it. i suggest you try and forgive me, cuz really.. im just trying to do my own thing without stepping on too many toes. Really.

and this applies to absolutely everyone in the universe....(even grey eyed aliens with vine-green arms)... try and emit a warning hum before exiting someone elses space, cuz when you leave with a WHOOSH then it leaves a vacuum, and no one likes to feel that empty (yes, the car metaphor just got translated to a wind/air thing).. people like solitude...yes (raises hand) but normally..normally when its self-imposed and you have the option of kicking open your door and letting people back in.
oh shut me up someone, i cant believe im still talking.
college tomorrow. hurrah?