When it comes right down to it. there is nothing you can really do. the trips off. and its all over. yes, you can cry and threaten to never forgive life(so much for feeling like an adult) but other than the more emotional of ourbursts (which are great for later use in stage plays) there is nothing really to be said. okay, the weathers bad and salty liquid flows out of eyes like the downpour that is outside. adventurous people become cowards and all you can do is cry some more. its one of the most helpless times of my entire life. so bland yet so true. its not about this one trip, it never is. life of course does move on. but i think it'll take me some time to get over this feeling of frustrated .. helplessness. i, who pride myself on my spirit and independant streak, can do nothing. absolutely nothing. cant even drive around aimlessly like elder sis. not proficient enough to be allowed alone. all thats left is heavy sobbing and a locked room with constant taps at the keyboard. sniffling is so childish and even more inevitable. totally lack that resilient spirit that characterizes many. very weak. very stubborn. very very helpless. everything was so perfectly planned. the tickets, clothes, day outfits, night clothes, entertainment, diet plan, 75000 essentials and of course the more precious dreams. hopes. expectations would be most accurate. washed away with the cloud burst in dharamshala. whipped outta sight and dragged in the mud with the landslides in dharamshala. swallowed up whole by concerned parents. so trivial in the long run, it may just be postponed after all. but today, it grabs all my attention and is the sole reason for these tears. knowing its irrelevance in the grand scheme of affairs does not stop me from feeling its current importance. maybe some other day i'll be happier. . the realisation that people dont treat you with the respect to make your own decision, sucks. its all just lies you know...the part when they emphasize how you're all 'older' now. you're '20'!!!! you know know what your career should be..where your clothes are..what to say...who to be with and when to hide things. but you cannot make your own decision if they disagree. 'its for your own good after all'... so save the flesh and kill whats within. how bout that. no one can see whats inside anyway. how does it matter if its an ideological journey. it matters not, quite simply. you dont matter and what you say isnt important. the most inconsequential being in their own eyes, raise hand. no hesitation there, one brown hand with light pink barely there nail paint is raised.
(well, i DID tell K yday that the only constant in life is the unexpected and that it made life interesting. who knew i would face my own words so very soon.)
