when We wore white

i left the haven at 10.04 am in order to be on time for a 10 am meeting. Trials for dramatics have started you see and we held someones future in our unpunctual hands... *scary* i was unpunctual but dry, warm as toast and clean. sparkly clean. *grins*

Now at 5.32 pm, im as dry as an alley cat can be (when caught in a thunderstorm) and as clean as a donkey (whose played in muck for about 53 minutes, to be exact) But im happy. as happy as i can be when im happy. very happy.

Even though ive been in Delhi for a lil over a decade had never found the time to hang out at India Gate. Never. Shameful right? You wont find my family muching on gol-gappas/boating in those rickety death-by-dirty-water contraptions/eating ice-cream in India Gate. You will just not. We dont do that. We're more the every saturday night out for dinner or order-in kinda people (before health-awareness programme)

But ANYWAY, today my friends and i gawked at the structure and tried to gain entry near the monument itself (through polite/sweet/aww-inspiring smiles. it didnt work btw) Rested our limbs on above mentioned death traps (paddle boats) and flinched at the thought of the murky water making contact with our precious bacteria-wary skin. (we're sure we saw people pee-ing there too. hmm) But as we bumped our way past every boat sana and i started to wonder (Well, i started to...) why was it that we always consider Delhi a metropolitan that is 'modern'. Just lookin at the dozen of nangu (nude) kids being photographed (so typical) by a firang, we were left feeling... lucky. Not cuz we werent the nangu kids whose privacy was being violated (kinda) but cuz we are us. With our parents and current life. How fantastically lucky and priviledged to actually be able to help people out. That is itself a blessing. I know this is probably sickly-nausea-inducing sweet but you just gotta look at the real world to know things could have turned out so differently. Knowing what i know, how can i NOT be convinced bout the existence of GOD when the evidence is everywhere you look!!! We're blessed ... all of us. And those who aren't AS blessed, they need us and we NEED to help them. Because we can.

What this was SUPPOSED to be bout was the four of us stopping the car and getting down in the parking... running round like crazy coots and not giving a damn. We didnt even think bout liberation as we embraced the rain. Dripping from head-to -toe. Singing. But the very fact that we can do that and not think twice- thats how lucky we are. Sometimes, you need to give back. Its not about being 'nice' but lets share. Lets try and take care of someone who needs it, cuz frankly we've been taken care of.

Ps-yeah, we wore white :) uhhh ... and then rushed home.

A lil PEEESH of the day

Warped Reality. Very Warped. Does real life imitate reel or is it the other way round?
Are we so susceptible to the influence of a piece of technology that we give up what people in REAL life have conditioned us into believing??

That was very random. Today i wasnt really thinking about the effects of media at all.
I was really contemplating other (slightly more trivial) things.

-why havent i sharpened my elastic (yes, weird material thing-y) pencil, even though its been around for a month...and EVEN though im always running low on pencils. *shoots self*

-why havent i called V? Shes gone to Pune. Forever. Okay, more like 2 years and she'll be back in Oct for the break but it sure feels like forever. I think if i dont call her then i wont admit that shes gone and that i'll psyche myself into thinking i shall meet her tomorrow for eca trials like im meeting everyone else. simple. denial- works every time.

-why i can never shop. never. nada-da-da. okay i have an answer for this.
a)cuz i dont like it
b)i get boooo-ooooo-oooored
c)its just irritating trying on clothes...taking em off....being careful not to rip tag off....trying more stuff....EXHAUSTING

-how im absolutely fabulous at critically analysing stuff but cannot like write a short fiction piece under pressure. *wails*. chug chug chug. (that was my brain goin off on a long train journey)

-how it is that this summer of 2008 (right?) i planned a grand total of two trips and none saw daylight. AND how 2 other (completely spontaneous) outstation trip were planned and got carried out BUT i was NOT part of em. *heart rending sobs are heard*

-how im gonna use my super wily ways to get people to write for a Fiction Competition which i have myself NOT written for. *bummer writers block*

-how im supremely bored of walking- day in and day out. *oh boo hoo*

Okie enough with the whine session, if im not careful i'll become one of those people who get scared of their own shadow (weird phrase right? maybe in a dark alley when chased by hungry mongrels and covered in a chicken paste.. then yeah, id be scared. im rambling again)

Words are almost doing the backstroke in front of my eyes (yes, i meant swimming). Im gonna get some shut-eye. :)
Peace and may sleep be with you all.

Revisiting old Ghosts

Ever have one of those friendships when you were the 'bestest' friends with someone
(almost)only because you were in the 2 meter radius (all the time!) for about a gazill years?
Well, i have and last night i realized something- Its not totally a bad feeling to re-visit it and poke up some ghosts. The memories that surged up, embarrassing for them and refreshing for me were hilarious to a neutral observer. Some of the close-est pals from kid-hood or adoloscence if you please and the 'new' I. The new I----

-does not get embarrassed when people makes asses of themselves in public
-does not mind making an ass of self in public
-allows people to be themselves (even if they do things i would not do)
-does not taunt (the old I didnt either)
-accepts that things change and its not always for the worst, we need to grow as people and everyone enters our life for a reason
-is more philosophical and has a lil more direction
-is lucky enough to be studying what she loves
-is happy and feels blessed

A night with the spooky past turned out to not be such a slit-your-wrist-with-awkwardness kind. I ended up pleading rex's case, talking about days gone by, articulating why i'd been avoiding social occasions for 2 years (with them) and trying to 'get' if things could be the same again. no.

Things can never completely be the same again, you can be as warm as freshly popped toast and as giggly as the new girl in that Na Jaane Tu movie but things will never go back to the way they were. Perhaps thats even a blessing. I liked that i didnt respond to any negativity thrown my way, brushing it away like a spiders web (ie. casually) and not taking in any barbs. not taking them to heart at least. i like myself for trying to be the person who does not sit and mope over every word, for making a wee bit of effort to see things from their perspective (which is always hard to do for me...im frankly super glued into my own shoes/osho chappals)

I met an amazing Auntie yday, she does reiki and prescribes homeopathy... i love her. Simply speaking have met her a grand total of 2 times but the vibes i get from her make me wanna throw my arms round her into a bear hug (which i also do)... she gave me these lil slips to read with words of uhh knowledge/wisdom/help. Things that dealt with concepts like knowing Gods around and taking the time to listen to your own mind. I realize i do that, through this blog. This being the more filtered and less garbled version of my mind where i speak up to be heard by a few. I love this day simply cuz its one of the few when im able to open my eyes and see the life i have as pretty darn beautiful (and im not wearing rose tinted glasses)

Ps-i also believe that when you keep expecting negative stuff to pop up then it comes in torrents and that becomes all you can focus on...while with joy, if you expect it and it comes piggy-backing some sorrow...you focus on the joy and that makes you happy. Lets be 'good' people. Face it, we're happier that way. :)

Pps-to everyone whose a part of my life, in lil and humongous ways, i thank you for being there. You help me learn in ways that are unconscious but desperately needed. i AM aiming for a sin-less life here. mwahaha. okay, this had to be gooey loving not semi-weird-sense-o-humour-ignore-worthy. *sheepish*

Beautiful or Brainy?

Brainy v/s Dateable

Recently a guy did the unthinkable and went against popular opinion to choose the blonde over the brain. Not just once, but in the last one month 3 seperate incidents have brought this home to me- Some people just want the pretty face. Period.
And for them its not pretty face plus brain as a brownie point. In the most patriarchal Tagorian times way- its brains in a girl being a negative. You really think we've left the 19th cent? Think again.

Case Study Friend A determines a girls 'goodness' factor based on lack of brains. Too smart = Cunning, he proclaims. *i shudder*

Case Study Ex-Friend B dislikes the lack of reverential respect in girls tone while conversing. Result? Nothing. Nada. Friendship Kaput. *i shudder some more*

Case Study Acquaintaince C dates blonde over brainy gal pal. Maybe the gal pal was too much of a pal, then why the mixed signals before he realized her smartness gave him the cooties?? (yes, i said cooties)

Case Study Mutual Friend D enters into a relationship with person who proclaimed self to be incapable of intelligent conversation. Now really now, need i go on?

I am not narrow minded enough to declare the whole of the male species as craving less grey matter but this sudden torrent of relationships that have come to my notice are a lil scary. Are people just pretending to be okay with a girl being an intellectual equal? cuz lets face it, physically, on an average, we're weaker. I pronounce myself baffled. Are we really going ahead and what the hell is wrong with these guys? For the sake of the basic particles of respect that i have left for the majority of men, let me assume that all the bad stock just came my way this July. Like a weird co-incidence. Or maybe Gods just saying i should open my eyes and scratch away some of that romantic idealism. Tch.

Miss Julie

Have done the (almost) unthinkable as a Lit kid, have started 'Miss Julie' without researching the author, historical context, political significance or societal repercussions (if any). *gasps all around* Having betrayed the very figure that fed me (mentally...dramatic eh?) i continue to gorge on the forbidden delight and wallow in the joy of simply reading without the burden of intricate analysis. Imagine my irritation when im still not able to completely eradicate that annoyin lil voice (buried somewhere in the grey matter) that keeps on a constant refrain of comments. 'Scandalous' it murmurs softly, inappropriate for any audience before the 19th century...do have a look at the date of the text will ya? it suggests sneaking in ways to lure me on the 'right' path of accurate information. hah i scoff it, there is no going back now (hair flip) this path of mystery has been taken on after a few moments of thought.... i shall not be deterred from my goal to ENJOY this book (in the 'traditional' sense, no bg work!)
So hows it been so far...pretty cool actually.

The protagonist (guess her name!) has a fairly promising kind of rebel forming liasons (word that will never be used in real life alert) with the domestic help (hence scandalous)
Her portrayal is somewhat on the 'wild' side (smirks. just because) and is unrestrained in her verbal passion for the butler (his name has been forgotten) is kinda exciting to read in a Lit book.

Its a lil reminiscent of Lysistrata of course, with the theme being women empowerment (in a sense) but is women aggression really womens liberation? we now have the freedom to be whats seen as uncouth or crass? Kind of a contemporary issue thats still been battled ! Even today, we still need to fall to the level of truck drivers to drive home the point to ruffians that we're fairly serious when we say back off. In her age (whenever that was) she is the depiction of a woman who is articulating her need for the man, taking the initiative and the moment she does that...she loses class-power and reputation. While the guys gets an ego boost as well as a feeling of superiority over her as a whole for her being 'weak' enough to say that she wanted a man. him. My point being, does it make one vulnerable to talk about ones feelings? Does it then mean our feelings are something to be ashamed of? That we're only putting up a facade of feeling a certain way because we're afraid society will judge us if we show them what our real opinion is.

So then is it a power play between not just the sexes but also people as a whole? Who dirties the societal version of themselves first? Who trips on the slippery road of deception and accidently lets the world witness the moss covered truth?

In this warped reality does everyone feel that what they're thinking is so inappropriate that they've stopped admitting it to themselves even? Or have we internalised the 'normal' factor and are so far convinced that we HAVE to be a particular way to rationalise who we're perceived as. In a simplistic take on this... if X wants to be a 'good' girl..she will try to either portray qualities that she thinks defines a 'good' girl or genuinely BELIEVE that she has all the same qualities and will still take care to display them. On the other more volatile hand, the 'rebel' who does not find some of the 'good' qualities to be a part of her persona will rebel by constructing herself in the very same definition of society, only playing the 'negative' lead. Complete with physical rebellion (hairstyle, sexual activity, clothes, basic response to conversation- some or all)
girl rebel Y will unconsciously try and find her niche and live up to THAT ideal, hoping rather than believing that she does 'fit in' somewhere.

Having progressed far beyond 'Miss Julie' i have simply articulated what ive always felt. People are pretty busy internalising concepts of themselves/trying to live up to them/trying to rebel against em'/pretending that they dont know what the f*** is being talked about and ignoring it (ignorance is bliss being the common subconscious refrain) So what now? Does this mean we're condemned to live by the intangible parameters set by society for all time? Dont know for sure but i hope not. A very milk and water end i must admit. A tirade that ends in confusion and not clarity. An issue that gurgles at the very foundation of who we think we are.

Lets face it. There are some things we don't know. Trying to be aware of them will cloud the mind and hopefully one day, someone out there (with a clouded mind) will get a moment of revelation (while chopping wood or something) and sit down in awe at the intricacy of the map thats been chartered for each person...marvelling at how things will eventually make sense and fall into place ... Of course then his axe (for chopping wood) will accidently graze against his neck and he shall be no more. The danger of him telling the rest of us ignorant ones will be too great and we all need to trample with clumsy movements on our own unique path.

Which reminds me of a line of a poem i read in 8th (i think).... Dream, but dont step on others' dreams to achieve yours..(something like that) So i guess all we can do, being 'good' and all, is to prance around our own path and make a heartfelt attempt to not accidently mow down the grass on someone elses road to enlightenment/death/alternative version of destination.

Am still reading 'Miss Julie' and i wanted it to be an uncomplicated read. sigh.

S

Hello S, (too formal?)

I know i probably chose the worst day in history to be chirpy. (think brain flapping round ears)
but it was such a fab day that i wanna hold on to it and just like treasure it.
Its so strange that i know just who to call for what. You know what i mean. So im with mumma in random mall (post night spend and in ydays (orange)clothes) and i really wanna see 'Made of Honor' (not 'Maid'), without a second thought i dial zi digits and hear your voice in about 5seconds. 15 more seconds later we have decided we're psychic and the rendezvous point. (fancy eh?) Now we meet and take notes during the movie. (from lyrics we like to moments that we know will never really happen) dissecting the poise and paunch of Dempsey. the character and the person. As we strive to not judge (too harshly) we open ourselves to yet another day whose possibilities of enlightening us are endless. We just have fun and try and grapple with yet another idea of love in the celluloid world. Having decided (happily) to ignore the concept/possibility/probability in real life, its okay to expose ones inner romantic to the concept/possibilities/probabilities in the reel world. I consider a career in Law, why let my reasoning abilities go to waste? and you're on a trip thats 'calm' (and you i quote). This is not about summing up anything (least of all 'our friendship'. dunno why i put that in quotes.)
its about just talking to you through these words that you normally make a part of your routine. i appreciate a whole lotta stuff in life (when im feeling mature) and know that im pretty lucky. Part of that feeling stems from knowing that when other people question what i believe and i answer back completely confident and apparently unfettered, i have you to call and know that someone 'gets' it. call it childish but i like to know that for you watching 'Made of Honor' is as much priority as it is for me. lets be kids again. what say? :)

love

pg and i

(talking through texts, this really happened)

me-guys! sleepover at V's tmmrwww...do come!

pg-who is this funny creature who calls me a "guy"? in ref to my phone memory, that is no more.

me-this funny person is '----'. and you are coming

pg-Ah. heard that name before! who knows! life is full of surprises :P

me-so is that a yes? do say yes! newly born pup eyes! btw condolences are offered to phone memory..pray tell me if thats the reason for your absence

pg-you got to sense my presence in absence. now that im anointing you my heirloom :)

me-i do sense it! but your pretty words hide your intent...will i see you tomorrow or will that joy be denied to me?

pg-tomorrow is the day-dont ask me why- my words lie naked to ya!*imagine*got to decide..not so soon...i pray with all my infidelity! oh excellent falsehood-today i play cleopatra-and dont come any clearer :>

me-you play with my heavy heart but i hold you dear still...my eyes are gluts and demand a feast...tell me...how them should i appease?

pg-wait my daunty lover coz pain shall yield pleasure soon. ease your vanity in gift of time-patience and moments shall be thyne by tomorrow noon:)*blinking my waxen eyelids*

me-Is asleep. embraces bed.

Note- time- midnight
tone-extremely verbose and donne dominated ...
context-both from Literature and Theatre... both Taureans...
mood-im gonna miss her so much.