Green-ness

Now you all probably remember Green Queen who went off to Pune? Lemme remind you....dram senior...outstation trip bud...philosophical talks support..inverse twin...feet cuddling love producing...always accepting. Much loved in short.
Texted her like 4 mins ago saying....
"Its me chomua...call back...Whenever...Wherever...Preferably now...Muah!"
i adore having a relationship like this...theres no fierce need of instant replies or explanations. Absolutely no need justify why i dont eat chicken or drink booze... Why i have lil feelings for people i should not involve in my life...and only chuckles greet me when i tell her my woe filled tales...she can make the most tragic cringe producing story ..hilarious.
We went to leave her at the airport...i didnt plan on crying..i was totally gonna hide it if i did. (Wanted to rebel against expectations you know... even if you dont..she would know)
But we all ended up laughing gaily ...till the very end..when one small walk-ish later..her eyes totally had tears in em... Today i miss her. Miss meeting her and eating those grape lollys which make your tongue a weird purple. Miss sana funti and i clunking along in her battered van with no ac and windows that are impossible to get open (and then harder still to close) I miss her. Loads. Today sudo tells me..K doesnt like you..K being her non-bf-kinda-bf. CUz we planned a trip without him. Hmm. It didnt really get to me..which is surprising considering these things normally do.... Maybe ive matured. Maybe i now know it doesnt really matter. Having someone on the very outskirts of your life not liking you is not such a huge thing. Its just..a thing.
Making sense any?
3rd year is WAY more complicated...nazi philosophy,naturalism and modernism need to also be befriended. Somehow, i still think...even with the mounting pressure. This is gonna be one HELLOVA year. And i mean that in a good-tingly-sorta way.

Vindhyyyy you are much missed. Cannot wait for you to get back!
*muah*

ps-if you ever read this...gemmeeeee osho's!!!!!!!!
:P

Brain-Gloop-y-Mush

My mind is so divided that im just gonna pour out everything in the mess that it is.

-i don't like the 'i-told-you-so' attitude, i really don't. Yes, mistakes are made. Fine. But when xyz starts to invade personal decision making space (even if its unconscious), then trouble in paradise for xyz and person involved. Period.

-was exposed to yet another instance of random-connection with M-tree. She was my college senior and dram bud! This last year we made that transition to friends in the most inexplicable way. I really value it.

-ive been exposed to SO many 'cultivated-extroverts' that im nearly fill to the brim with them...polite conversation and pleasant chit chat is appreciated in parties not when i have work to do! *im pretty grumpy eh?* Seriously though....why indulge in nonsensical chatter when i know you dont really care? Besides, why should you? Lets just be who we are...acquaintances. It makes me very uncomfortable to know that people can be warm at will... their motives become suspect and so does their assumed friendship. i know some people are comfortable with controlled niceness (normally, who isnt?) but for me... its getting real hard to swallow and extremely easy to identify.

-had the weirdest illuminating talk with Pg, my literary friend in crime, we talked of highs and lows and everything in between. For someone who has taken plenty of romantic risks she oddly ended up warning me. People, as a declaration to the whole wide universe, i can like people in the 'small crush way' but i will not..i repeat...will not date them until im sure! *uff*...

-i finally got that not only is it okay to 'f*** up' but also that some risks are worth taking if you truly wanna be sure of anything in life. Being what i am, apparently a mixed personality type who sways from traditionalist to uhh the seeker-of-whats-new(?)... im gonna have a lot more grey areas in terms of boundaries and am gonna have to live with the decision I take each time.

-dont like goo-oeeeyy romance.

-itunes deleted my entire playlist. yes, again. But on the bright side, i have something to do with my 5 seconds of spare time... (semi-alive issssshmile)

-have (thanks to S) started noticing just HOW many people say anywayS! damn! a hell lotta people do! In fact, ive become so averse to it that im contemplating murdering the mischief makers! (zwinky and s you have been warned! Grr)

-my article came in yday's paper and i didnt even know it! It felt good to be told it was 'great'... Thank you to the person who said that. :)

Basically this is my life....3rd year has begun and the works started piling up. Post-Colonialism, Post-modernism, Post-structuralism and i are gonna be best friends real soon. Am determined to wallow in the joy of classroom discussions and will NOT miss classes. Even if its for dramatics. Period.

*determined*

:D

with this year i have traversed on paths of which, once, i had only dreamed.

'You fill up my senses...'

Let me tell you a story... In a diverse country and complicated land lived a 20 year old girl...
She had a wonderful life and fluctuated between wild spurts of optimism/love/hope/philosophical-existentialism and anger/cynicism/hurt. One day, at 4.30 in the morning, she got a text from Sh. Sh was someone who our girl REALLY looked up to. Now, had this been a 'normal' story she would have read the text at 9.30 after waking up and plodding to the bathroom. But since this is a magical place, she actually woke up with the buzzing of the cell near her head...read it.... even understood it...and all at 4.30... after a brief chat with Sh, the girl felt like the happiest person alive and a grin kinda stuck to her sleepy face. No, the text wasn't about a boy and didnt tell her the secret of life.. it just said that Sh loved her. She loved Sh too. Strictly heterosexual and even more inexplicable. The tale doesnt end quite yet, the girl woke up and post-yoga and reiki still felt the need to be OUT there. With the birds, bees and the popular (and unlucky) early worm. She strapped on dusty worn-out sneakers and cast a look at the rainy sky. Ignoring her mumz advice, she grabbed a black umbrella and walked out into the world. As the rain worked up a storm round her and as her left arm slowly became numb with cold water (after about 3 kms), she started looking. Looking at the same things she did everyday. But better. Carefully. With no sign of humanity to disturb her or boil her heart with their lechery, she allowed a donkey-like look of fascination to appear in her eyes. We're always supposed to 'act our age', but now she was allowed not to. She gave herself permission to brush against leaves and jump into puddles. Damp socks and 5 kms later, she began to see a small number of people warily eyeing the sky and stepping out in their own sneakers with their own black umbrellas. It was the best day ever.
Its not about the rain or a message.
One principle of Reiki states, Just for today let me be grateful to God for all that i've been blessed with.
Mood- Annie's Song - John Denver, It speaks for itself.

Distancing

All mushed out. Read a blog and it just became a soapy brush to wash away humongous amounts of cynicism. Oddly, 'What goes around comes around' starts playing on the ipod just now. Problem? Each time i try and cushion myself into this spot where i stamp out signs of expectations from everyone and anyone, something i read/witness/think about leads me to the dreaded H word. Hell, its Hope. A beginners course of Art of Living, at age 11, taught me one thing im yet to forget "Expectations reduce joy". Simple and Effective. Also, nearly impossible to live upto. Somedays its easier...and then. Sometimes we have to bite our lip to stop ourselves from saying too much. In a completely different context, a word of advice...never ever critique a friends boyfriend. Ever. Even if she just blew up bout the same thing 2 seconds ago. You WILL have a charging Tigress coming at you if you point out the same bloody thing. Im not exaggerating. Its pretty f****** annoying to be extremely honest. Sometimes i just feel like telling people to shut up and not talk. To just let me be and gimme the freedom to try that silent Buddhist thing ive been trying to for ages. They say, try being silent for just one day...saying only whats necessary. Listen. Hear the voices around you... in your own head. Wish i could leave all this effing mess. The work, the people, the talking...the incessant never ending chatter thats drowning out the sense that im desperate to tune in to. Someone who considers himself a real smarty said that writing too much will water down the quality of work put forward, in the haze that i was...i agreed. Hate agreeing when i simply must not. Such a 'lets-agree' person. Ugh. No more vulnerability when im caught raw. When exposed i shall sing. When i feel like crying...i will. and then write bout it. No more being scared. There is really nothing to fear but fear itself-in the words of Dumbledore.

Conflicting things butt in. All jostling for breathing space and (very limited) literary glory. Thoughts and Lyrics have got stuck together... no more aware of whats mine and whats something im supposed to feel. How very strange. The cellphone says its 11.23 P.M. It feels like the time. Its time for that something to happen. For things to sort themselves out. High time. You, up there...the one watching over us... its your cue. Here is where you send someone with that magical wand and grant me three wishes. Only one problem, i no longer know what i want.

Mood-'You Give Me Something" James Morrison (for absolutely no reason i can fathom)

Ps- I realized i need people to tell me what to do... work wise... personal relationship wise... directions... suggestions... emotional and judgement crutches. I know my one wish. Let me know my own mind. See, another delegation of decision. I may be on the path to insanity and theres nothing more to say. Lets just see where this road finally leads. Have never been able to read the end of stories before their time... how can i possibly cheat with my own (even if i could).

The Mystery of the Disappearing Crush!

Theres a 21st cent. mystery that even Hercule Poirot would have trouble cracking...and not just because he would be about 180 now... No amount of the racking of grey cells would pave the way to discovering the origins of a random 2 hour crush. (Except probably a phone conversation with S and Strawberry)

What began as a 'oh-interessssting-conversationnnn' has now dwindled into 'whaaz-he-sayin-and-whaaaat-was-i-thinking!'.... How is it that we, as relatively 'normal' (and i use that in the broadest sense of the word) girls, can fall for just about anyone if the first impression is "oh-yum"... Yes, it doesnt really last but then again, what does? (except timeless works like Flecknoe of course...phhish)... Some other friends have gone as far as to reach the 'looking for white horse' stage while the majority confine themselves to dreaming secretly at night (and later morning denials... tsk...so predictable) Whats somehow most fascinating is, despite all evidence to the contrary many continue to deliberately reject sense and gallop on the path to destruction... yes, i mean discovering that
A) he isnt really single
B) he just isnt that into you (stop the sobs, enough already women!)
C) he isnt quite the catch you thought he was

People... actions... reactions all work in mysterious ways. A line from a corny book in a cheesy shop can set off 'i-like-him' alarms and the more obvious 'not-again' sirens in the ears of best friends.... so the million buck question remains. why?
Well, sometimes its just fun to have someone out there to gush about and other times (more commonly) we're trying to get our minds off that certain someone who we believed (for the longest time) to BE that interested in us.. a true catch and definitely single.
Call it 'like-rebound'... sometimes, its called 'just-another-day'. :)

of Wrinkes and some Wondering

A thing that i'v been pondering on for the past few days- Out of all the people in my acquaintaince, the smartest ones are inevitably the ones who are the first to pronounce themselves agnostics, atheists or existentialists. For real. How does it happen that NEARLY all the people i know to be brilliant do not believe in the concept of God. Surely its not a weird
co-incidence, or is it? I have a humongous amount of faith in that Power, call it God/Krishna/Allah/alternative figure. Call it luck or pure bullish tendency but there is really nothing thats made me question that presence. Yes, i know terrible things happen and that sometimes they look very unfair but i know beyond the shadow of a doubt that something exists that's around us. Taking care of us. Looking out for us. It may not be easy to put your faith in something intangible, but in my opinion- we miss out so much when we dont...

See, i guess we need to put our faith in whatever makes us most comfortable but its just a little strange to know that the smarter people around choose to put it in other things. In some small way, in the Literary world at least... unconditional belief in the divine has become unfashionable. We have become more keen on using terms that signify 'not moving ahead' as opposed to embracing tradition based on the fact that tradition is itself obsolete. My take- why must eveything old be considered unnecessary. Have we, in our attempt to broaden our minds to new concepts, closed our minds to the old?

ps-on a different topic altogether...the biggest cliche' is coming true...is true...
All the good guys are either gay or taken. And this time im bloody sure. Gives up happily and decides to just 'be'.... :D (its almost a relief of sorts to know for sure) Hang diplomacy, its a freakin BLESSING to know.... Now we can move to the Himalayas and tend to expensive cows... I dont particularly know why but it sure sounds good.

Lookin' back

In the last 148 posts, i found some things that still make some sense...
Here goes walk down blog-memory-lane. (whoosh, and we're flying back in time on a pigeons back)

Sept9 2007-
Context-Unknown (blames bad memory)

"deciding what you want is one of the hardest things because you're never really sure of how much you can sacrifice how unselfish you really are ...never truly certain about how much you can give before you want something back..."

Dec14 2007-
Context- Perhaps unhappy and bubbling over with in-your-face optimism as a result! :)

"sometimes so intent on denial we are that we refuse to accept that we are miserable....thats a terrible fate for if you dont know your sad....how will you ever search for happiness?....this misery might even become a permanent fixture of your life....so heres a cure....which should possibly be written down in book form....heavily marketed and.....then bought by you to make me a millionare..but i'l tell you for free....

1st step-accept that you're sad.....face your biggest fears and admit that your NOT HAPPY!
2nd step-give it some thought....find out exactly WHY....regardless of how ugly it sounds....(even in your own head)
3rd and final step-search for happiness.....moments, if possible.....make happy things happen....surround yourself by activities that will possibly give you joy.....embrace life in all forms.....(hehe)......live love ....get hurt!!....feel alive....make mistakes....have FUN!....indulge in romance no matter how short-lived......never cheapen yourself or you'll only feel dirty later......enjoy..."

Jan13 2008-
Context-Mixed signals maybe...

"people take words so seriously....sometimes too seriously.....n others.....take them too lightly.....when you're rejecting someone......they wont take you seriously.....but when you're flirting with them....its like you automatically carved your eternal devotion and love on stone....."

and finally .....

March30 2008-
Context-Extricating self mentally from a harmful pseudo-relationship. (very vivid)

"talking to him will put me at risk of losing that sense of self as one which is worthy of love, respect and certainly not one which will tolerate being clubbed under the wonderful heading of the many 'chicks' that I’m a 'hit' with.....fuck you mister!...I deserve better! and nothing is ever going to change that!up yours!"

Some are angry, some contemplative... but they're all me. And the best part? The last one actually stopped me from making the same mistake twice, just as i was slipping into delusion it got me 100% back to reality. Once bitten twice shy only works if you remember the sting of the bite, thanks to blogging-i do. YAY. :D