the list

When the things "to do" stretch beyond three pages, loosely typed, and branch out into diverse aspects cushioned in each particular stop... what do you do?

Well, I, search for a way online to do one small bullet point ...

do we ever get points for trying?

excuse the less-than-sunny tone... its one of those contemplative days.
ho hum. managed one point now. realised it was moot post following through. like i said, its one of those days.

i love the privilege of being able to indulge verbally into this vacuum of virtual space. where ink and thoughts are sucked in, momentarily glimpsed by some... or maybe ignored by all as we continue to click on virtual-to-'real' purchases.

gamble. sometimes choices are just gambles disguised as decisions. thats why i tell near and dear ones to be as thorough as possible. practicality is heavily underrated, much like dancing around trees much much overrated. although i guess i would have to actually circle the tree to make an accurate assessment.. but it seems like more work than play. although swings in parks are underrated. swings are great.

childhood was great, if only we all didn't constantly yearn to 'grow up'... but to be fair, we were seduced. by the promise of what adulthood would bring. choices, freedom, later bed timings and the possibility of sleeping past 9! (joy was anticipated)... responsibilities and a job translated to glamorous freedom... no answerability (at least less answerability)... freedom only visualised as a picking up of the jhola and striding off into the world... brimming with enthusiasm, pulled by the possibility of a wonderful, successful, enterprising day..

you don't get gold stars for meeting your deadlines... i recently told a friend PMS is not really a "post" thing.. its pre, post, during.. it pretty much strikes whenever the h*** it wants.. its a state that is. an isness of inhabiting a woman's body and holding its hormones. its when things that are normally shrugged at, make you a little teary eyed. its a hormonal vulnerability that craves soup, sleep, silence, and warmth. it can strike at any time of the month, completely unrelated to the cycle of the egg... i feel like i should have given a *woman feelings* disclaimer before this spilled out. but what to do? sometimes a wave catches you unaware.. and all you can do is try and not swallow that salt water... i love the sea... i really really do..
i feel like the sea is where i am at home... embraced by the larger ocean body...
my most favourite-est :) recent happy memory is of the girl-trip to goa.. we were at the beach, our last evening... and i sat in the sea for over an hour... and we watched the sun set over an impossibly long time.. the sky turned yellow-orange-pink and a kaleidoscope of orange and reds... for the longest longest hour... and as the waves washed over me... happily submerged... feeling the pull of the sea.. washing over and pulling out of me.. we sat, some stood, some *very much with baby within* were at the cafe, but in the security of the "us"... we watched the sun dance out of view of where we were on Earth... the sea is my always-love.. the sea is that embrace, whose mere memory, can even make PMS fall back into the great distance...

if i haven't said it enough... i love the sea

from where we started to where we are now.. but that's life. that is just it.

Adapt or... ?

I think (for the moment) the most underrated trait is Adapting...
it is a rather Positive attribute that my mother has probably always talked about.. unconsciously...

but today I see the merits.. with adapting you learn tolerance, patience... and the best part? you get to learn.

I think reading linda goodman's sunsigns book on personality traits, as a child, affected me rather not-positively.. it reinforced the least-peace-giving parts of my personality i.e. stubborn as a bull... I used to relate that bull headed tendency with a firm will, immense will power and the strength to stick your ground.. which it Is... also.

but it can also translate into rigidity, not seeing anothers' perspective, being stuck in the old, not evolving, rooted to the past... which is least joyful and the opposite of growth.

i truly believe the Universe has conspired (like it does for all of us) to place me in a situation via certain pulls of the heart-mind-desire to be around those who will always share with me the transparent truth. for only with such mirrors can you see yourself without romanticising what you carry... but today with Grace it suddenly struck me that when i adapted today.. much like a birthday at least 5 years ago, i learnt how to do something that i felt was beyond my grasp.
as i navigated the unfamiliar trail with steps clearly marked... waiting for a mind to follow through... i felt proud and happy with the result.. "I can do this," too ;)

a happy diet-coke cheers to consciously adopting Adapting :*
love to all
may we all continuously find more ways to peace... hugs!

What we do when we type h-e-r-e

Recently I realized Blogging is a little... self indulgent.. well, duh... but for some reason these things take time to sink in for me. but i like indulging.. especially in nutella and peanut butter.. but that's nothing new...

so armed with this knowledge that this is ultimately an act with no other purpose than to indulge myself and my oh so petty thoughts (yes, this is honesty day)
.. knowingly i shall use this medium to introspect... and the irony is not lost on me.. to express Outwardly to Introspect... really? how silly.
but that's an aspect of me that exists. petty and silly. and a dreamer... ... ...

P doesn't read this blog.. or any blog probably.. P lives the day. doesn't talk about it.
S (me) bustles around the day, or rather the clock... but somehow I'm realising Time is actually the most precious 'thing'... because it isn't a 'thing'... it's the most precious because we cannot hold on to it or make it stop or slow down or do anything other than what it is... it is unchangeable but in spite of that, we have the potential to change (nearly) everything in it. so what is precious? our breaths.
the number of breaths we take and what we do with them...

I'm not sure what I'm doing with mine besides drinking copious amounts of tea... which I have begun to like much more than coffee (who knew)

I'm not sure what I'm doing with my time and why... but who can one ask when one doesn't really want an answer?
Sometimes I feel like I have life really sorted out.. I mean really... Like I know X marks the trail on which I must walk to reach the destination I can sort-of-glimpse.. definitely witness.
and it's very clear... and I can see all the stupid stuff that makes me fall and take a nap on the side...
but other times I'm blogging aimlessly and wondering when on Earth I will collect my degree and move beyond to other achievements..

yes, definitely a self indulgent medium ;)
love to all and a big ball of rainbows (360 degree rainbows, yes, they exist!)

To the 30th

a loving brother helpfully supplied this little nugget of truth yesterday.. As I thought I "turned" 29, I also began my 30th year on Earth... (This time around) 

Well... I didn't see that coming although it was naturally always present .. Surprising how close I am to the 30th already.. The big psychological moment when you think things will be sorted by "then"

... But what to do when 'then' is suddenly 'now'?

Then (pun intended) ... You sleep.

Because it's 11.39 pm and it's been a heck of a last few days

Happy Birthday to me!

May the excitement at another year and new milestones never cease

:)

of Happiness

Happiness is experienced in the strangest and most diverse of ways..
one can be a good night's sleep and waking up to waffles in bed
*that's the movie version, mine would probably be 12 hours of sleep and waking up to calorie-free peanut butter and nutella sandwiches*
and the other by some old-fashioned effort.. at whatever is the task that is presented in front of us.. effort.
what a beautiful word... echoing deep reservoirs of strength.
and after such effort when you sit on the bed and assess your thoughts.. there is strange sort of pervasive feeling of well-being, and satisfaction.

A Teacher who claimed to read hands *this really happened* had told me when I was 14 years old that I was looking at a difficult life ahead... *takes a moment to let you wonder at the various strange aspects of this*

*why was he reading my "hands"
*when did this happen
*why did i let him?
*was he being inappropriate?
*why would he predict, presumably, something interpreted as not-good for a 14 year old

(nothing inappropriate, we were all on a boat... *pause*.... *i promise you this really happened*)

and I had thought at the time that I would be following in some rather difficult footsteps of my father's career at the time.. his was a high pressure job, requiring great integrity, effort, will power, intelligence, and a steady mind to commit to... it was long hours with nary recognition *as you can tell I really look up to my dad :)*

Anyway I was aiming, at the time, at a career identical to his... so I thought difficulty came with the territory and I tried at nonchalance when I said "it's okay, nothing good comes without effort" or something garbled along those lines.. but I couldn't stop a tiny sinking feeling even as I said this..
(he had just told a girl before me her life would be "easy" and she would bring "great fortune" wherever she went... she had nodded enthusiastically and said with her birth came great prosperity into her family... *what a great teacher right?*)
so much as I didn't want to compare my presumed future with someone else's it was hard not to feel a trifle nervous about such proclamations of "hard life ahead".. safe to say he didn't turn out to be my favourite teacher .. *shocking, right?*

Anyway, inspite of the slight dip in my tummy... somewhere with Grace I believed and do still believe in the words of Yogananda ji "An easy life is not a Victorious life"
because it's not about consoling oneself, you little cynics you *chortles*, it's just that now I believe we all have a battle that wages inside of us... and it all comes down to this
How do we respond to the challenges life sends us?
Which inner voice do we let win?
and somehow, if you notice, the easier choice is not normally the "right" one long term...
Somehow... what is for our betterment requires a little bit (or a lot) of effort..
and most of that effort, is saying Yes to the voice that wants to do the right thing...
because doing the lazy thing is so much easier.. because procrastination is easier.. because 'giving in' is easier..
so that Battle, that "difficult" or "hard" *come on, it was nearly 15 years ago!*
that "difficult" or "hard" life he predicted... was just me becoming aware of that battle inside..
and knowing, I just need to make the good side of me win.
Every Day with Each Opportunity

*May God Give Me the Strength*

The Tribe

I know what you're thinking... it's "warm fuzzy moments" but there was nothing fuzzy about what was experienced.. hence, fluffy.. warm and fluffy.. not superficially fluffy like cotton candy that rests on your tongue and cements into this hard brittle sugar pop... but cosy fluffy like a pet resting in your lap.. soft, warm, comforting...

so this was describing a night a few days ago.. literally a few days :)
So the gang got together with the summons of a once-our-President who had till-that-date never exerted Presidential privilege... teehee.. but the nymph called us and up we stood.. and ran... all the way to the past..

it was cosier than memories recollected which is one of the stranger things.. B stood waiting, a mop of wild white hair now, directed me to park nearly kissing the hedge. a warm hug or two later we were inside.. more hugs, artificial oranges, pastries, samosas, jalebis, tracking down of chiwda later (a feast!) we squatted comfortably on the floor.. Time helpfully stretched till its very seams allowing us to dive in to unpack some memories and the "themes" of our current lives.. V, the eccentric genius as always, effortlessly round up us scallywags lost in 2's and 3's while i munched on tiny bowl-after-bowl of chiwda.. we quite properly went around the circle and were absorbed in each telling.. it was the most wonderful conversation... peppered with the usual peals of laughter and a love that threatened to spill out of our chests... too-soon we had to leave to meet the rest of the bandwagon.. many groans later we trooped into respective cars.. with much strategic planning to ensure no one deliberately got lost to find their way back to B's abode..

the rest of the night was a cacophony of wild laughter taking over the tiny cafe.. other patrons looked suitably concerned.. we were a tribe come together after a long while without a chooda ceremony pulling at our strings! In fact the post has officially been renamed.. because that's what it was.. and that's what will hopefully keep pulling us back, ensuring we drive up all the way from the dozen different directions we are stationed in now... to where we are together.. for a few hours or more..
To the continued sharing of our dreams, aspirations, frustrations, learnings and lives... For this group a Big Thank You to the Divine
love you all <3 span="">

Exceptional

Today, it is safe to say, the writer has been let loose... and she is, quite frankly, running amok.
There is major flitting happening.. and the metaphorical champagne has bubbled and spilled on all the party guests. I was not expecting this!

In all the furore, many pins have been discovered that were previously swept under the rug... tiny petty pins that make you question why it was so important to roll the carpet away after all... especially after all this time. but the carpet is lying rolled in one corner and the pins are now a part of the 'known reality'... now I have a choice, to deal or not deal, or pretend there's nothing to deal with...
now normally I have been known to favour the latter.. the ostrich technique rather.
I-don't-see-what-you-are-doing-therefore-it-isn't-happening...

but if the pin is what I think it is.. admittedly it was wise to have kept some distance..
because sometimes when we romanticise our memories, we wonder why they're no longer a part of the present... and sometimes you get the answer immediately...
and then it's time for the writer to roll up her sleeves, take a deep sip of her masala tea..
and dive in to write what she think she knows..
all the while knowing, future her will know much more.. but that's okay... because it's inevitable and life is also about accepting the tiny thorns with the roses...