My Minds Journey unaccompanied by Milton....

When the world becomes too insane and pretends to blanket itself under the guise of ‘normalcy’…I run far away and hide….i create an ‘alternate reality’ and that’s where I currently reside…

A day before yesterday and an eternity ago in space….i was in a class where Milton’s secondary epic was being painfully dissected….each word was shaken for multiple meanings and the defeated rhythm of beauty that flowed in ‘Paradise Lost’ was truly lost to me forever….when you divide each letter and test its worth…you will more often than not….lose the worth that you were trying to decrypt…so I allowed my brain to flow in all directions….and surprisingly …it obeyed me eagerly…only reinforcing the proverb that it’s the easiest thing in the world to make someone do something they want to do….or something to that general effect….

Here are some of the thoughts that I jotted down with no more sinister purpose than to take another step towards unraveling the mystery that i find us to be…..as I often feel…there is no one quite as hard to understand…as me....

“Ever felt constricted by an image you believed you were and based your relationships on?

Would changing your identity or discovering it to be far-removed form what you believed it to be-change previous relationships forged on that premise.

If you previously believed your essence to be different from your understanding of it today- How much of an impact would it make on the established social relationships?

Does it make sense to make bonds based on commonalities between individuals as personality evolution will inevitably lead to a change in the perspectives previously considered as ethically similar or basic?

Will it ever make sense to define oneself when we change our own view of ourselves far too soon. Consistency in the human nature is lacking and leads to a feeling of insecurity.


Yesterday, someone said that as I don’t know who I am, I am dependant on other peoples opinion of me and hope to construe and convince them to keep it positive so as to maintain my self-esteem.

It is accurate.

29/01/08”

Another semi-interesting observation made by my mind as it floated somewhere near nowhere……-we tend to quote things that we perhaps find accurate and can somehow relate to….things unnatural to our environment are quite easy to forget…..

Leaving the world of romantic fantasy and teen-ache fiction….i casually slip back into the role of an observer….

Don’t you love it when you discover so many different (not to mention lovely fascinating and sometimes downright adorable!!!!!) sides of you?...

Fanciful Dreaming and Mind Games Part-2

(N's Story...part 2)

You must be the 3rd luckiest girl in the world gushed my brain… (the 1st two positions are taken by Angelina Jolie cuz of her fabulous looks and Oprah because of her even more fabulous heart and immense wealth!)….i mean who would have thought that just ONE week ago you were sitting in your room eating khakra with soup…n NOW….your still in your room eating khakra with soup AND waiting for HIM to call up….*brain goes into rational ecstasy at the prospects that lurk around my 'new' and 'improved' life*…..(romantic self yawns and waits for that elusive technological ring that would make life seem a whole lot rosier)

*ringgggg*….omg omg omg…..*is it him???* Shrieks some obscure giddy part of self…ahh….twinge of disappointment as id caller tells me its *s*!!!...dont get me wrong…I mean no one likes having 7 hour chats with her(like we did last night…tehetehe)…but I would like to fill her in on some NEW developments…….

N: hey….

S: so???

N: yea…?

S: well???.......

N: umm…yea…*pause*

S: yea what?...*impatient*

N: nope….didnt reply…

*can almost FEEL her gearing up to be cheerful and all hope inducing*

i interrupt with…me: see I know what your going to say…
I totally feel that he’s pakka in some obscure part of the world where networks refuse to function….n I’ve given it some thought and refuse to believe that he’s been killed by politically motivated barbarians….the way I see it….he’s probably seriously wounded and strapped to an imaginary tree with mythical chains….i bet he’s thinking of calling me RIGHT now but the blood flowing from his eye probably ….

S: okaaaay okayyyyy I get the point…any enthusiasm that I display when rushing to his defense will not be appreciated…..right?

N: you comprehend perfectly my friend…now tell me about HIM…

S: uhh…*confused*…didn’t u just want to NOT talk about HIM??

N: ass…not HIM…*meaningfully*…HIM

(since shes a girl…she gets it)

S: oooooohhhhh……..HIM?....well….*pseudo calmly*…just talked to him for an hour….

N: ommiigooodddddd…..*wild war dance follows yelp of excitement*

S: yea yea….*smug*

N: haha…*suddenly feeling better*

We talk for 2.45 hours and analyse whatever has been said and a lot which was unsaid but ‘felt’….

Feel a whole lot better and realize that I disagree with Simon Cowell ….people CAN be happy when friends have good things going for them…plus it only helps life that HE msged back said “hey….dont know if I was lucky enough to miss any msg or call from you…but just thought you should know…my cell stopped working for a while…so do get back to me asap if you DID try to contact me…and even if you didnt…cant wait…xoxo”

Hehehehahahaha….*heaven thou art not that far*

My cup runneth over…..:)

Fictitous Meeting

okay....inspired by a very very close friend...i will shove dignity aside and put forth an almost fantastical scenario of the 'perfect' yet never-happening/deluded meeting with HIM...yes...the one who WILL make my heart go pitty pat and my palms sweat abonormally....whose eyes will make my body melt into this puddle of buttery mess...whose energy will drive me crazy!....enough about the fictional him....*dragging tongue back from the ground where it fell panting*.....only condition...it has to be semi-plausable so all hope is not lost!...Let us call the girl N!!!

PLACE-Theatre fest!
TIME-Evening
SITUATION-We just performed our Stage Play that N co-directed!!! (its a fantasy for gods sake!)

Audience:WooHoo.....awesum!...encore(okay so now we're in France....*thinking*....maybe not)

Us:modest blushes all around(Priyam mutters congratulations to herself)

N climbs down and goes out of the building for a breather
flushed with success N tries and understand just how precious this moment is
and how all the work has been worth it...

(N's narration begins)

a footstep is heard

this grungy looking guy is smoking behind me...
slightly more concious....i arrange my feet in a less tangled heap as casually as possible
while trying to see just how cute he is by pretending to look at the clock behind him...

'its 7.30' he murmers almost caressingly without looking at me
i freeze ....hes somehow managed to come right next to me while i eyed the clock
(stupid stupid me i curse....what is hes a psycho killer yelps my brain)

as i scramble for an answer he turns towards me...and i see...his eyes are black...not brown but black...a deep mesmerising i-cant-look-away black...i realize im gaping....

ohmigod ohmigoddddd....im sitting next to a sex god !!!!!!(screams my head)
N-(composedly) thanks

SG(Sex God)-so, i saw your play...nice bit of writing
(sits exactly 6 and half inches away from me...but whose measuring?)

N-(DO not say something stupid)thaaaanks *weird crooked half smiley* (why the f*** did u smile like that?)

SG-so who worked on the script (putting out his ciggie...with long lean tanned fingers i might add....jesus!!!)

N-uhh mostly S and ...(voice trails away as realization hits...Bloody hell hes gonna go to her now...no no no no nooooooo!)
....(no wait...hes not going...hes looking straight at me...i cant breathe...)

N-so what did u like about the play? (im not freakin lettin u go even if i gotta chain u here to a tree myself)

SG-well the interplay between...bla bla(intellectual nonsense which only makes me fall more deeply in love)

(appreciates all the right things and points out the less obvious errors)

we chat for 2.45 hours(ITS A FANTASY PEOPLE)....i get some semblance of sense in my words desperate to impress him and keep him just where he is....next to me!)

random guy walks in....'uhh Sir'....stops uncertainly as he sees us

(What???...Sir???....WTF!)
i turn to him in confusion

he casually turns ....then gives me a half smile.....a once over (ohbloodyfabuloso...those EYES!)....motions for me to stay where i am.....murmers 'dont take it too seriously' then leaps up and walks in with the guy

(It???? It??.....what It?...Us it?....Do we qualify as a Us???.....)

suddenly random guy comes out looking star struck.....takes a few deep breaths then comes next to me and sits down (what am i a sex goddess tonight?...wow...the perfume realllyyy works!)....wow im so jealous he pronounces!....you TALKED to him!!!...wow...

okay this isnt romantic and who d fk IS this guy?....i look closely...ahh its long lost friend from school who has recognized me....

RG/LLF-still breathing

N-(cautiously) so....umm...who....whats his name again?..i keep forgetting...

RG/LLF looks at me like im crazy!
'thats freakin Kunal Krikiminoshkar!!....seriously gurl you need to get your facts straight!imagine if he had known u didnt totally remember his name!...i mean after a guy wins 3 oscars he would expect people to remember every detail about him'

(well with a 2nd name that complicated who WOULD remember it? my hurt intellect argues!....so that was that...so much for my romance....all dreams shattered ....sigh...don't u DARE hope...accept that your gonna die a virgin with 5 dogs while your pet insects will eat your decaying body when no one comes to find you for 7 months)

RG/LLF is called and goes in...i think about my humiliation and rue ever being born

suddenly young kid approaches me and hands me a note
almost used to surprises i open it unthinkingly...its from HIM!!...gasp gasp...READ READ yell hormones!!!!!

Note(on clean crisp sheet) from SG/KK:i really regret our chat being cut short but unavoidable business called me away. Hope we can continue our chat some other time... I'm not completely sure how you will construe this but i would love to stay in touch with you. My numbers is 9********6. Text me whenever your free, i would hate to remain only partially informed about the benefits of keeping 2 dogs!...:)
Ps-by 'it' i meant what jargon your friend would probably sprout about my qualifications...and yes...we Do qualify as an 'Us'...)
Pps-do call me or in 5 days or i'll be forced to call you from the number i procured from the college!...:)

i read and faint with happiness...life!...go figure!
-------------------------------------

FICTION!!!!!!!.....duh!
but pleasant nonetheless!...:P

Lifes Principle for the 'Ethical' Reader

There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. - Elie Wiesel

look back at your world
do you see no sorrow?
those moments when you were (there)
has there been no pain?
no moment of insecurity
where right from wrong you could not gauge...

look back at your world
is it really how others know?
when words were duly twisted
was the effort worth it
or was it all in vain?
when memories were mangled
to show a better day

look back at your world
is this the life you wanted?
where more than the people
its the image that was created

look back at your world
regret the hurt not
shove it not aside
not because it was 'gyaan'
that will eventually help you survive
hold it cause you lived it
you were part of the pain
emotions that were true
and of which you were always ashamed

look back ay the world
is this the life you wanted?
realization of dissatisfaction
is not the end today

look back at your world
face who you are

look back at your world
and know
who it is you want to be
know from all the experience
that retrospection is your teacher
and tomorrow the cure

look back your world
and optimism embrace
for each person
has a part to play
a path to follow
and a place which is waiting...

poetic rendition of the journey of pain

we are never in a better position to write about pain until we are feeling its piercing tentacles clawing the air around us.....when we know with fatal accuracy that tears are indeed going to chart their way down yet another path from the wet eyes to the cold cheeks.....it hurts ....the words encompass a whole universe of primacy that explodes with the vitality of the bland statement

n then we go into numbness where we are perhaps preparing ourselves for the inevitable axe as we hear it grinding in the background....groaning for flesh to poison with its iron of rejection....

n then our eyes widen....we dont want to admit to the unpleasant unreasonable bitterness that is doled out with cruel consistancy....

rejection of the self by the reactions of the other continues

Judgement

Often we say or we would like to believe that the world judges us- But the truth?

We judge Ourselves long before anyone else can....

We are our harshest critics and We make and maintain standards for ourselves....
------------------------------------------Words that Paulo Coelho didn't quote...but ones he inspired me to enunciate.....

Just for Me

okay!...so here is the unadulterated truth....for humanity (i generalize in an attempt to pointlessly divert attention from the One individual i can never stop talking about-me!)-
truth is......everyone loves to be told how great there are
the second great truth is-we all know when a compliment is coming from the heart and that makes it so special that you remember it for always....(i think ive just got like ONE spontaneous compliment that i still find etched in my most precious feel-good moments...probably cuz we're not friends anymore....strange)
today i read a LOT of swetha's entries....shit!
anyway, she writes reallllyyyy well.....n not at all like me but in a very strange way thinks JUST like me....when she was talking about ALL those issues.....MY inner self was going like *yeaaaa babyy i sooooo agree*...
its so odd that even when your so close....or perhaps because your so close....there comes a point when your not interested in knowing each other anymore....or u just get lazy and take their presece for granted and keep talking about the same random stuff....completely forgetting that they're your friends and there was something in them that lead u to becoming friends......
its kind of like a semi boyfriend scenario....only 10 times more important (n 15 times less sexually exciting....make that 15000 actually!...hehe)....but when you become friends you literally take someone NEW into your life....
someone you know your gonna call when your crying or happy or plain excited!!...(hav SO been thr!)....its a big decision...n sometimes it lasts as long as you see each other everyday...(which we have all learnt the hard way)....n just sometimes....it transcends how many times you talk in a year....n sad though i am to admit it.....miya faraaz might have had a very good point....sad because its hard to accept that people your SO close to now will no longer be there with you 10 years down....
its that feeling of permanency that leads you to trust someone....
sometimes i think i miss talking to someone as brutally honest....he was unapologetically himself and came to me at a time when i needed some perspective...
oddly enough i think i could now call him a friend.....
the others seem too superficial and cultivated.......

now What i wanted to REALLY talk about was.....after reading her entries i realized and re-realized the importance of having a set number of memories....n i used to have that collection which i lost to .....lost to a guy.....he took over it and then i let too many other people and issues enter into the equation.....
somethings should really be for ones own self...where one can be oneself and INVITE people to join in.....every once in a while.....
not too often cuz then again we start catering to the audience....
point is.....why not another space?....i dont have all the answers....but this space feels nice!
n fuck anyone else who says differently.....
some wrong decisions need to be made alone....this is just one of them!!!.....
this may or may not be another way to measure my mental growth.....
but i will be damned if i close any options so soon in life.!!!!!....

you know what?....i am YOUNG....i am 19 and 8 months....and im gonna start ACTING like it!.....
im gonna FEEL my age and love each moment of it!!!....:)
so here's to a new year of perhaps mapping my progress.....positive hopefully it should be!!!!!!.........

*wild cheers and applause*......:):):)