Maybe its that time of the year. The time when you look down at your shoelaces and want to walk home just because it'll take you longer to get there. When you're buzzed into the happy zone, want to crawl out or rather lock the room..pull down the blinds..and pretend. Pretend that you don't have things to do.
When any form of conversation outside of your conscience is
a) a waste of time B- frustrating c) ridiculously inappropriate
When crummi-ness has reached a new peak in its (ironic) lowness. No, you want to not feel good about your marks even. Not even they deserve a pat on the head. Or maybe an ear fondle, like a dogs. Like a young dogs.
When eating too much and praying too hard have both passed as phases will.
When writing ridiculous nonsense fifteen times a day becomes just-another activity. When you're mad, but not quite sure what for or who at.
Wait, do know that. The self. Angry at self. Mad at self. Annoyed with self.
Royally pi***d with self (yehp, apparently p***** is now a banned word in the loving home).
You know in college, there are always those fantastic (girl-gang)moments when 3 bestfriends (forgive the cliche') sit down with the 4th and spend hours just talking out her woes. Though 2 of them had somewhere to go (for post-grad application work)... the third (yours truly) naturally just wanted to curl up in the sun... and the 4th. The 4th bore the brunt of our analysis. She seems happier now. The thing is, no ones life seems to be sans complications as of now.
Its either career-worry, boy-troubles, i-dont-care about anything dilemma or just plain i-wish-i-cared-enough-about-self. I don't know. These moments of bonding, they're great and all (probably helpful too) but somehow this phase doesn't see me wanting to let someone else figure this out for me.
Each time i let slide the responsibility of my Own actions, it comes back. Badly.
What would i love the most-est-est-est?
Beyond the obvious, i would love for life to stop being a bloody Ionesco play.
Anu wrote in her Rhino answer something to the effect of language as nonsensical and SK (teacher) scribbled a 'no' on that. I think that is a fantastic parallel (forgive the vanity).. Language has now Become nonsensical... not because of any innate flaw but because of the people who are using it.
Some to veil. Some to taunt. And yes, some to 'vent'.
Because of all the bloody jargon the sense (if ever it was there) gets lost.
I am sick and tired and sick some more of these 'Foolish Games'.
I'm sick of them.
I'm sick of second guessing if i made the right call by not giving every entrance exam in the country.
Sick of thinking about people who Indulge wholeheartedly in the same childish games. I am 20. and i am So over the games.
I don't want to care anymore.
I don't want to wonder why i Did care for ever so long.

At this point, i don't want to keep questioning myself.
There is a feeling lurking somewhere deep, that if this stuff doesn't clear up... chances of an implosion are high. And i'll make sure the people i care for aren't around to get burned. However, that being said... The chaos post it, should successfully erase those niggling doubts and probabilities.

Yes. And its never about weakness or strength... its not about becoming 'stronger' or otherwise. It is SO not about these things.
When i figure out what it IS about, a post shall appear. (naturally)
The baggage is too much now... might crumple.