Brrrreak

The very first thing that popped into my brain as my fingers hovered over the keyboard (waiting impatiently for the page to load) was the word...'break'....in all its glorious forms.

For starters, i naturally WANT a break.
My connections always breaking up and funny sounds invade my late-night phone sessions....though not funny haha...
The play that had to be a good 14 day old is now taking baby steps towards disaster and violent emotions are breaking lose on the shiny brown stage everyday between 3 and 6 pm. :(

Unfortunately the only break im gonna get from THIS schedule will be when someone will magically air lift me outta delhi and plonk me on a shady spot near a calm lake with an iced juice for company (hopefully it'll also hover conveniently near a mall so i can pick up the essentials on the way. ahem.) Now why did i not say sea? puzzled? i mean, i said 'calm lake'...why? im more of a 'i prefer the sea' person. (especially in those funny personality analysis quiz questions)...so why the lake??? Oh, psychologically speaking its probably cuz i need some calm lapping sounds of the water scuttling(?) on pebbles rather than violent waves crashing onto jutty rocks. Ouch. Thats one way to de-romantisize the sea. *cheers*

Speaking of the R or L word.... (either one works because of its absence...hehe).....nothing. nada. nopsie-cough-cough. Did i mention nothing? *shakes head*...dont know if its the rain thats scaring away all potential crushes or the simple fact that i truly have no life outside the classroom...but nothing. *thinks*....well, i guess i'll always have books. Which reminds me...i had awesome fun writing an opinion based answer recently...could have probably made it 'better' by including critical stuff but in a fit of stubborn pride i decided to stick to MY interpretation...
*very proud*

Anyway, things are goin all hunky dory when it comes to friends...havent spoken to Y recently so have no clue how he's handling the gathering-broken-heart-bit. S seems to be in a deeply musical place (of which i am completely clueless). Sw is less vocal bout missing R. A is (i think) back with old flame. Daffy is completely out of the picture for now even though i had to dig up the remains of the past and stare at em while reading 'Sons and Lovers'...could totally relate to the protagonist Miriam for a while when she kept waiting for Paul to come back to her. But after a while it just became extremely...get-over-it-girl....so i vented out my frustration in the opinion based answer...i bet the fictional Miriam would shudder in her imaginary grave...hehe...

After satisfying the sadist in me (through tearing Miriams actions apart...pay attention will you?)
ive started this new fad of eating dinner at 7 pm. Luckily my families joined in with great gusto. Why am i sharing this extremely relevant detail of my impressive life? Just some trivia to hold on to! :D

Ps-yes. the bomb blasts happened and i thought i would talk about them but its just too depressing. maybe sometime later when thoughts are more coherant.

Toodles.
and btw...the Delhi University festival rounds have almost begun
(AIIMS tomorrow and IIT-D day after....yay)

Pps- sigh...i so love writing! :D

Hooked..so single no more?

A couple of days ago, S gave me a huge heart attack...apparently (in a fit of exaggeration) she pronounced me 'Single no more'.....Eeeeeeks! When did this happen? And how do I not know about it? Did i sleepwalk my way through meeting someone and then dating him??
Luckily, S reassured me...informing me that i hadnt said 'yes' to anyone...but it was HER interpretation of my uhh 'friendship' with W. Oops.

That just made me horribly aware that im SO not ready for a relationship. Noooohhhwayyy pronounced my brain as it wiped off the sweat from its forehead (with a tiny grey hanky)
'You NEED to be single' yelled another huge part of self rubbing in the message.
Guess its been a gabillion years since ive actually been IN a relationship..and if we're talking about the real mature kind then count each finger on both hands twice...and thats how long ive been single. ahem. Okay. let me make it easier (dooh dah)...its been a heady 20 point something years. So just the thought of tripping into something resembling a 'relaaaahhtionnnship' is enough to make me wanna double back and scoot under a sofa or something. *inches towards unlatched window*

Thing is, exposure to influences like TV, Movies, Books, Music, Reality has had one pretty unfortunate result. It starts with an EXPECT and ends with ATIONS. add 'too many' just before that and it sums up life attitude towards romantic affiliations of any kind. i know, tragic case. But its too late now. And a head brimming with the likes of Rhett Butler, Chandler Bing, Darcy and Caulfield has no right to settle for mediocrity. None whatsoever. Hence bane (or blessing) of singledom embraces me like a long-lost sister. Oddly, till the time S articulated her perception...i never realized just how grateful i was for mii current situation.
Guess i had it right all along. Im just where i wanted to be. :)

To all busy-bodies. Grr.

I dont know if i should be more disappointed in myself or in others. Perhaps in myself for (once again) believing in others. Moron that i am. (kicks self)
W makes it so easy... asks me. So why do you expect things? As if i dont ask myself that!...all the time!!!!!!.......

Eyes hurt from exertion. Almost murmuring gently that they've done their job...now rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. I plod on mechanically...typing. Hoping some coherance will emerge. :p
Tired. Tired. Tired. (very)

So many illusions that one has to fight against. Ones that people want you to believe (i'll be there for you....tadadum)....Ones you want yourself to believe (the world is a great place and good things happen to good people).....Ones that you rarely wake up to (splash! they sting like salt sprinkled over a fresh wound)...

Which reminds me. somethings changing. seem to care less with every passing day. Strange right? For someone who cares so much to care less 'with each passing day'. Dont know if its the disappointment in everyone (are my standards too high?) or if its just crumbling-cookies (inevitable). But its happening. Oh well. Oh well.

Im also hooked to conversation. Oh well. Oh well. Guess its less obviously harmful in the short run. Of long run, i refuse to speak and embrace denial. See, another self-imposed even acknowledged illusion. *buries head under sand*

T for Theatre

For the past couple of days i've found myself waiting impatiently for the 2.45 bell to ring. That signals the end of the academic day and my entry into the audi. Its beautiful, the audi that is. Spacious with warm tones...best part? The Stage. Wide....golden brown....and toe curlingly attractive.

Right now, i love Things Fall Apart primarily because of the person who's teaching us. Major drooling-dripping-and-tripping-on-own-drool kind of respectful awwww!!!!! Basically, i love her. *beams*

B, our director, is making me push myself beyond limits of either propriety or comfort.... we're currently exploring romance/sexuality on stage.... laymans terms? girl on girl 'action' ...ahem.
But its more about discovering nuances in each stage of the relationship. Yesterday was a total disaster and today i kinda made sure i faced my worst fear. Proud to say, i was able to fight the discomfort. Moved beyond it. I had almost forgotten how much fun working with B could be. The rest of the world just melts away into the then colourless background.

Am almost aching to find the right words to fit the situation. Guess they dont exist. Sometimes i wonder what im really upto. My actions and dreams for the future seem a lil contradictory.
Dont want a future with v but still hold on to him.
Dont want to be a journalist, yet i find myself working as one!
Dont want to play mommy to coddle-me-types and yet unable to wriggle free.
(okay, the last isnt that relevant)
Like i told someone else the other day...maybe if i knew where i wanted to be...then i would be able to work TOWARDS it. until then, i guess its all talk and disjointed actions for me. My own personal script better include clear stage directions real soon..... or atleast a miracle where the path is unveiled to me. (preferably at the beach, but im not too choosy)

*i wish myself luck*
(it'll be real cool to see what it is i feel about the theatre workshop once its over) :D

yapping

"i could care both less and more but to figure that out i'd need a century or maybe three. ah. now dont i wish i believed in reincarnation? that room of mine (what a word, 'mine')- its got green 'tones' a mother says. MY mother? i like sleeping in a heavy blanket even during summer. almost as though i have three-four of me piled up on me. the airconditioning can always be lowered a notch. but im generally warm. effusive almost. sometimes, even when i dont feel like being. a 'false note'? no its just about expectations. when people hear you say hello one day then they expect it the next day and the day after. the day they dont hear it, its disconcerting. so i do it for them. quite the philanthropist i know. romance? whats that? a heavy word people fling around. they coddle it, love it, fuck it and then crib. yak yak yak. yarns have been written about it. god knows how many trees died to fill your bookshelf with words you'll never read and things you wont 'get'. speaking of which, you also wont get happiness or joy or enlightenment. dont snicker. i know more than you. or less. really cant say. i hope you didnt read this thinking i would tell you something sensational or riveting. its not happening. you may as well shake your head right now and mourn those wasted minutes. i'd like to see you unhappy. yes, i know i would."

(Read tag)

III year

Going through a phase. Its melting pot time. Everyone elses life seems to seep into mine and im bursting. Not will excessive weight or anything tangible. Just too much to think about.
In fact, if anyone bothers to cast a casual eye over my posts, each one is unique. I would go as far as to say....they're pretty inconstant. In terms of theme, genre, attitude.... everything. I guess for some of us, being inconstant is constant. *envies stability of thought*

Y went through horrible break up with girlfriend who dumped him for the 'mommy daddy' excuse. Mind you, excuse. Am not even going to try and make this mildly interesting or phrase it cleverly to elicit a laugh. Its sad.

Another friend tip toes into a *cough cough* ahem thing with relative stranger. Why? Because she wants to. Reason enough.

Theatre practice has finally begun in full swing and is giving me tons of fodder to chew upon. *munches*

While one relationship cracked under the pressure, i saw another one evolving into something far more special. I wonder how many more painful break-ups (among friends) i'll have to witness before i give myself up to utter cynicism?

No joyful revelation has entered my life so cant talk about bubbles and sunshine just yet.
Things are going on as always. thing A affects thing B and then thing C is looked at differently. oh. There is sometimes too much to write about but we hold back simply because there comes a time when you miss the point. Im missing the point. Something tells me i may just be less regular here. Unless of course a muse invades my sphere of existence.

Mood- Mr Mulliner (absurdity at its best)

i, crumple upright

how differently we each view
a thin slice of life
what one 'ooh's' over
the other, on that,
casts a disdainful eye

is it too a fashion
to dislike the posh?
that veils lightly,
a deep rooted sense
of innate inadequacy?

how many jaws drop
with the creaking of a heel?
as it snaps into pieces
ever so tiny

is a brave face donned?
a laugh quickly forged?
and nudges the brain
'look' it murmurs
'look at their impeccable dress'

it jars at first
and then it grates
'creak creak crr crr'
a part of you croaks

but no panic is displayed
for the show must go on
time ticks by
with hobbles synchronized

an escape into the world
barged through and braved glances
and all for what?
bloody society.

1st September 2008