The VERY First Time.

With so many 'firsts' yet to happen, its a mystery anything ever happens twice. Or even thrice. Its especially sad if its the same old mistake accidently stuck on 'repeat' mode. I could use a lot of fancy metaphors (distinctly recall using one about scraped knees on the same old rock) or i could just be honest. blunt. upfront. Oh screw it all. Balls to the world i say and turn away. Temper tantrum, very mature i know. *grimaces*

So now, i will tap and talk. Talk in the sense of ideas. But not be blunt. Cuz spelling everything out is driving me insane/up the wall/nuts/crazy... making me tired/exhausted/exasperated. I feel like im trapped in a weird world where i even need to offer alternatives for simple emotions.
Post-its. Yes, thats whats needed. Mini yellow(?) post-its. With ink on em. Scribbled words. Half baked promises. Urgent to-do lists. Post-its. Which Lisa Kudrow had once claimed to invent (Ronnie and Michelle' high school reunion something...look up star movie listings some 3-7 years ago to place it).......Thats the solution to all of lifes mini problems. Post-its.

Sing it out loud. Embrace not knowing what to believe in and then, believe in that.
Violet Flame. White Light. Yogic Asanas. Your own controted vision of faith. A rock, a clay figure, a framed picture. Faith Faith Faith. Just one of those days. Only, its been nearly a month and no diagnosis. There is none. *pulls glum face* What to leave and what not to. So tough. Bloody crumbs. A fraction of what i need to know. *thinks...or tries to...pretends to?....thinks of thinking* ah.

Have hit upon it. Its one of those moments in a tragicomedy where you've hit the dumps and cant sink any lower. When the audience winces as the world comes crashing down. Or maybe its morale failure. Oops say the doctors as they see it plummeting. The doctor takes off glasses and begins to clean them with a white scrap of fabric.

"we tried our very best to pull it out of the danger zone but our medicines dont seem to be working..as..uhh..planned...but my Hawaii vacation is, so if you'll excuse me" Doctor moves off stage.

Cue for actress to slump next to wall and crumple into a unrecognizable heap. Preferably with a whine of suppressed emotions or better yet, a wail. Pressure-to-perform killed actresses natural talent, mourns world. Oho. Now everyone is low. Oho. Oho. Oho. *indian twang, preferably stereotypical*

Now what? asks Director.
Arre baba, this is life na. (says universe) dogs eat cookies (it adds)

"no disrespect and all" mumbles Director "but isnt it 'thats the way the cookie crumbles'..."
(Universe is silent)....
Awkward pause.
Then a flash of lightening electrocutes Director.

Note to Self- Universe does NOT like being corrected

Wow, the above made no sense at all.
*proud as a prune on a winter afternoon*
Go on world, spin circles round the sun (pun ) but i can make myself dizzy too. See. All is not lost.

For A. :)

"I want a guy to woo me. To prove to my boyfriend that guys like that exist." -A

Welcome to the 21st century relationship-conversation.
The battle between what a man is and what his girlfriend wants him to be.

There is no resolution.
The End.

Okay, i admit...i can never leave things ambiguous. :).. or incomplete. Unless ofcourse its setting up a weird technical glit-chy thingamagig. (translation- technology related items)
So, was talking to A (after about a gazill years) and the talk turned to her relationship. Four years and still counting. Is it unrealistic to expect the romance to survive 4 harsh winters? (not to mention summers springs monsoons...you get the picture)

Her bf thinks yes. We, naturally, think otherwise. Loud declarations about how its a fundamental right, to articulate what one wants, are made. Positive words conjured up. Heads are scratched and advice showered. Emotions fly unchecked. The Earth continues to revolve at its normal pace and we finally run out of breath. After the clucking subsides, we're kinda left where we started out. Nowhere. When you love someone, no matter how annoyingly irritatingly grr-producing they are...you accept them. (unless ofcourse they're personally responsible for the massacre of red-cheeked lil babies or something)

No matter how freakishly vehement A's words seem to be as they lash out at the male species...i kinda KNOW tomorrow it'll be a distant memory. Girls are kind of predictable that way. So where does MY role come in? Why invest in a conversation thats ultimately gonna trot right back where it began? Well, for starters...you care about your friend (the whole my shoulder is yours bit..:)...) and there doesnt need to be a secondly. Not advocating weekly therapy sessions here but as a pal, you gotta sometimes let people vent it out. And when the steam clears up... you realize just listening helped (also the witty banter but thats another story! :P).

So A, here is to you *raises imaginary glass*... May you find that special someone to woo you and prove to your bf that guys like him exist. And then, when you're spoilt for choice as to whom to choose...call S! *mwahahaha*.... (kidding. well. kinda. you know i love you! hehe)

(Things are only as serious as you make them out to be....even heartbreak can be eclipsed with a timely wisecrack)

ciao :D

In good spirits also because have realized, at some level, what one fears most is getting hurt. And getting hurt isn't that big of a deal anyway. The fear of it is something one has to move beyond. A, proud of you babe. And not even totally sure why! :P

Hobbling on

Now lemme inform the world in general...in the year 2008....from April 25th to July 15th...
i, a person who is relatively pure of heart, gorged on all seasons of Sex and the City. Alright. In case you havent heard of it, go shove your head in an oven. (on second thoughts, try watching it first)....and if you have...appreciate my position. envy it. shower the world with confetti but just dont interrupt the greatest monologue since Garfield started airing his views. (yeah, ive lost my mind...welcome to the reality of September the 30th)

Basically, im just making it abundantly clear that even though i know each episode like it was written by me...i still like watching repeats on TV (when time permits).... today, i was just flicking through the usual favourites (Star World, Zee Cafe etc) when i landed on Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) typing out.....something which amounted to....do we keep dating the same guy over and over again? by that of course she didnt mean the SAME guy.... nope, he isnt fooling you with the help of surgery(you might wanna put that gun/broom away)... but think more in terms of Mohan Rakesh' 'Halfway House'. Same man different masks. The same TYPE of man. But while Rakesh' female protagonist had a more pessimistic view (all men are the same...ie. jerks...kinda glum inducing eh?)....Carrie thinks that women (you, me, my friends, your friends) choose a TYPE of guy and stick to him.

That got me thinking. No, not about MY type..i THINK ive elaborated enough earlier anyway...but about types in general...yes, there ARE some girls (heck even guys, if people pay enough attention to write about the deprived and ignored souls...we're currently studyin how men can be shown as victims of the patriarchal order in the feminist discourse...hence, miniscule drop of sympathy for them...)...as i was saying...some girls who stick to a type..lets see my OWN friends.

Intelligent-soul----- seeks another intelligent match with enough spark in his conversation to last her 15 conversations without a silent yawn. Status? Very much single. *yawn, we're gonna have a secret club soon i predict*

League-Apart-Intelligent-soul-------seeks supernatural being to suit stature. should not be conventional, patriarchal or intimidated by her obvious talent. Status? Very much single too.
(does it count as a type if no such type has been identified till date?)

Good-Girl----seek(ed?...sought????) smart guy who wasnt overtly patriarchal or annoying. desired qualities were strong familial bonds and respect for her own. Status? Committed!!!!!!!!!! (yay) but let me warn you, the journey to actually finding him was NOT easy. Ask her friends. :)
(so its less of a TYPE..but more of a contest between who comes closest to the type...maybe people in television serials just meet more people...*thinks*)

so...yeah....very blah i know...but im in no mood to think of heavy topics. eyes hurt....need to start studyin seriously asap. like asap. like now or maybe in 5 minutes...or tomorrow morning. *sheesh*......as far as theatre goes...more technical problems have cropped up...wondering if its worth it to face the grinder at home AND in college.... ahhhh.....where did all the luck go?

On the bright side...
1)heard a REALLY old song today and started dancing randomly! (That thing you do- The Wonders)
2)realized the iphone is overrated and impossible to operate. E51 is embraced. :D
3)got my tarot read by Ayu. naaaaw bad if i do say so myself. which i do. ahem. *i baffle myself*
4)we got a gabillion snaps taken in college with teachers and the entire batch. *fun*
5)also heard another song....I never loved you anyway-The Corrs. Hilariously fun! *beams*

So now that ive pink-ed up blog and description of day...shall take mii leave.
*love*
ps- accidently managed to shop for pink-ish stuff. plus purple-ish ballerinas. my first ever!

and in the distance there is gunfire

Scared. Shit Scared. So scared that i cant talk. or write. at all.

The Future? Ohmiiiigoood. if only i knew a lil sliver of it. just a tiny bit. enough to help me through. Am i gonna regret this later? Cry and Kick myself over and over again? Hate myself for not being strong enough? Will i REGRET it....in the true total awful sense? *sigh*

Films- Want to watch 'Charlie Bartlett', the review makes me want to.

S, Sw, Anu and i, we made this 6 min short film in 3 hours flat yesterday. Conceptualization, shooting, editing ....everything. Loved it but the judge didnt. *shrugs*...what can one do when faced with inetellectual snobbery?.. shrug it away says some part of me. The other part of me also agrees.

Blog- i dont know. Its really confusing. What AM i doing here? *thinks*...

People- i dont like anyone currently. very misanthropic mood. people. just so many people. one more bomb blast today. Why? Its gurgling under our very feet. This violent mood. One more reason to be scared...and just because of that...i refuse to be intimidated.

Ah. am totally losing my mind. When i close my eyes, there is this relief... but now a pillow+soup+good book arent enough to comfort me. A relief that maybe i dont need to think anymore. i dont want to think. i dont want to know. But since i cant change what i DO know, i gotta learn more. Make sense any? It simply must make sense. Just must....must....must.

Pensivity - Full circle

On the prowl for something sweet in the fridge i chanced upon a lone cube of Milk Man Cheese. I stared at it with sad eyes and it stared back forlornly at me. Now as i nibble it (it turned out to be an odd mirch variety...not sweet...*makes face*)...i allow myself to dream. to think of all the possibilities and equations.

Easy Shortcut One- leave practically all forms of eca and devote all the time i have to studies and post-literature exam preparation. ah. hours full of free time. no classes bunked. well slept nights. less frowns and piles more guilt. close to perfect? i allow myself to drift further into nightmare/dream... a spicy life. kind of like this cheese cube. but also stale. (again, like cheese cube)

Easy Way Two- disconnect from everyone. train myself to become a robot. no emotions. mechanical moves. no tv, phone, internet surfing...ie. absolutely no scope for wasting time. Forget about familial committments and relationships. Proceed with admirable calm of mind and mental strength. Not wince when i miss one lecture of modernism. Stop formulating wild plans of 'making-up' the course and begging for extra lectures. Stop caring and thinking so much...more focus on activity.

Easy Way Three- (is it me or are these really not easy?) continue as always. with fingers in each pie. just enough time to breathe. swinging between self-sacrificial air and losing-control. Acting like a loon. and shrivelling up with each passing day. not-an-option.

i-wish-i-was-stone and life was something that was as simple as people stepping over or on me as they clamber on to happier destinations. Then id know what to expect. Its the unknown thats terrifying. Absolutely scary. Its like the Kenyan concept of chi... According to their belief system, you (the soul) comes down (presumably) with the life you're gonna lead already mapped out. but just to prevent people from getting lazy and refusing to attempt to reach for more..the soul forgets what he chose before birth..so everyone can keep trying to be the best they can be...and if their chi agrees...all good...if it doesnt then you dont know the outcome of your hard work till your life has been completely lived. human initiative guaranteed and disappointment is minimum during life-on-earth. So for me, i wish i knew what my chi had decided...in fact, i dont even know what i WANT. i want to know it all...but i really know very little, esp when it comes to me.

They say (B does) self-questioning is indicative of a 'good' person. Normally, id say...whats good? but today i say...i dont know the self. Douglas Adams, i know why your books have sold a gazillion copies...i know. and its nothing i can emulate. You had it right all along...we've been looking for THE answer and we dont know the bloody question.

Mood- Pensive

This happens only in India...

The more diligent (and hence more loved :P) readers may remember the entry of the (bg music) confused and courageous heroine from time to time... She exists to take readers to a different...exotic...proud land.....and its prouder inhabitants. Dilwalon ka Dilli. Or so the saying goes.

Situation- your typical party. loud music. louder clothes. tons of bling. In short, very Ka-ching.

Natives- bouncy. inter-dependant. happy? or at least, excited. (your budday meaning my budday too??)

Dolled up in? - well, the males seemed to favour loose denims that seem to be making a vain attempt to reach the waist. almost disappointed, they seem to hang just 5 inches south of desired goal. and the females. well, i havent all day to elaborate.

What happens?- well, like all good stories this will end with a question. *smirks*
so everythings all hunky dory (ish)...people are grinding surreptitiously in dark corners...the fans are squirting water at regular intervals...the music is too loud for conversation (in the next building)... the Dj seems to be high on an obscure drug. Your average tame 20 year olds birthday party.

when suddenly the birthday girl (let her be called basanti) realizes mother and aunt have discovered the two empty vodka bottles. oops. chaos in court. basanti attacks best friend who shrieks at boyfriend who goes and whispers in ear of basantis boyfriend. who looks nonplussed. courageous and confused heroine watches human drama unfold and mentally hunts down appropriate words to describe situation in blog ( she isnt one of your i-will-act-now-types)

What makes ME think, however, is not the explanations that will be offered to steamed parents....but the fact that explanations need to be offered. coming from girls who wear skirts that barely graze skin about 5 inches above the knees ....have been dating since the age of 14... drinking since they were 17... when will 2 vodka bottles stop translating into worried frowns?
No, im not advocating getting sloshed..but if you ARE someone who likes a shot every once in a while..when is it that you'll stop apologizing for it?

The above examples were only given to point out apparent liberation....freedom of a sort...in speech..clothes....'attitude'. Being sober does not translate to conservative but im attacking the principle. Ultimately we end up bowing down to expectations.

Good girls dont drink says society waggling a finger. So either we dont drink. Or we pretend not to. i know this doesnt happen 'only' in India as the title suggests but somehow these double standards are more apparent here. Correct me if im wrong. Id like to be.

ps- if you're hanging around here then you'd better make your presence felt....or its quite ominous, this silence. *unnerved*...has my cover been blown? *shivers*...ohh alright im just adding to the melodrama. Peace. :D

ps2- theatres going much better as a whole. now if only i was able to get into the skin of my own character. *thinks*

Twisty Bendy Thoughts

you know..personally...i think facebook is a make-me-feel-low-site (forgive me all facebook fans...i too have an active account there!!!)...The thing is...of you're EVER even thinking of something gloomy its best not to log in......Either the bubbly party invites are going to compel you to mentally give those shallow ones the middle finger...or at best you're gonna feel down-n-out cuz you really have no chance of going...and deep down you dont even wanna go. Weird.
(My new answer to all of lifes problems)

Secondly, the 'status' message....how do you feel? What are you doing RIGHT now?...do you think people really spill their guts out there? i mean, face it...i have relatives+old crushes+potential ones+random acquaintainces and of course the 'close bunch' on my list...the first four categories have as much chance hearing my whiny state of mind as my dog has of flapping her ears and flying to australia. (ie. chances aren't very high. hohah)..and the last...they probably know the way im feeling long before i do...and helpfully decide to ignore it. *oh joy*

The third and possibly most dangerous low-producer is the album. Yes. The random album you click on and that someones life can be accessed as fast as the page will load. (mines kinda slow there but you get the picture..haha. pun.)
It can affect you in multiple scientifically unproved ways. You may feel
a) blah. who cares? it aint really that awesome. pfft. (this is the in-denial you)
b) excited. immediate plans for a movie/shopping/get-together are made. you wanna be living the 'delhi-dream' too. (this is still in-denial you...there is no delhi-dream. oops.)
c) the aforementioned low. you listlessly click on picture after picture...attacked by grins that seem to expand and reach the ears. as you witness more joy and extreme enthusiasm...chances are you'll slump a little lower in your chair and unconsciously shy away from the overt display of ecstacy. until you turn into a brown potato.

okay, so i made the last bit up. you wont be transformed into a tuber. Not that, diplomatically speaking, there is anything wrong in becoming one. Just that its a lil inconvenient when you wish to eat/sleep/shop/write. moving on from yet another fascinating debate.

have realized that its far easier to look at like from a distance and pronounce it attractive. but each life is a lil crummy, especially around the edges... so what we must remember is that low-ness is everyones companion at some point so logically speaking it'll have to leave us for another someday. ahem. not exactly motivating (i dont hear any applause) but sometimes twisted logic works best. besides, people cant smile for so long without a fly attempting to explore their insides. hah. the possibilities are endless. :D