Distancing

All mushed out. Read a blog and it just became a soapy brush to wash away humongous amounts of cynicism. Oddly, 'What goes around comes around' starts playing on the ipod just now. Problem? Each time i try and cushion myself into this spot where i stamp out signs of expectations from everyone and anyone, something i read/witness/think about leads me to the dreaded H word. Hell, its Hope. A beginners course of Art of Living, at age 11, taught me one thing im yet to forget "Expectations reduce joy". Simple and Effective. Also, nearly impossible to live upto. Somedays its easier...and then. Sometimes we have to bite our lip to stop ourselves from saying too much. In a completely different context, a word of advice...never ever critique a friends boyfriend. Ever. Even if she just blew up bout the same thing 2 seconds ago. You WILL have a charging Tigress coming at you if you point out the same bloody thing. Im not exaggerating. Its pretty f****** annoying to be extremely honest. Sometimes i just feel like telling people to shut up and not talk. To just let me be and gimme the freedom to try that silent Buddhist thing ive been trying to for ages. They say, try being silent for just one day...saying only whats necessary. Listen. Hear the voices around you... in your own head. Wish i could leave all this effing mess. The work, the people, the talking...the incessant never ending chatter thats drowning out the sense that im desperate to tune in to. Someone who considers himself a real smarty said that writing too much will water down the quality of work put forward, in the haze that i was...i agreed. Hate agreeing when i simply must not. Such a 'lets-agree' person. Ugh. No more vulnerability when im caught raw. When exposed i shall sing. When i feel like crying...i will. and then write bout it. No more being scared. There is really nothing to fear but fear itself-in the words of Dumbledore.

Conflicting things butt in. All jostling for breathing space and (very limited) literary glory. Thoughts and Lyrics have got stuck together... no more aware of whats mine and whats something im supposed to feel. How very strange. The cellphone says its 11.23 P.M. It feels like the time. Its time for that something to happen. For things to sort themselves out. High time. You, up there...the one watching over us... its your cue. Here is where you send someone with that magical wand and grant me three wishes. Only one problem, i no longer know what i want.

Mood-'You Give Me Something" James Morrison (for absolutely no reason i can fathom)

Ps- I realized i need people to tell me what to do... work wise... personal relationship wise... directions... suggestions... emotional and judgement crutches. I know my one wish. Let me know my own mind. See, another delegation of decision. I may be on the path to insanity and theres nothing more to say. Lets just see where this road finally leads. Have never been able to read the end of stories before their time... how can i possibly cheat with my own (even if i could).