I want to write some honest 'is-s'.... you know, the ones on facebook....i'm never really able to spill my guts and write what i am is-ing, or whatever is the appropriate term for flopping around and thinking...being... existing!
------ is
1.thinking of chucking her phone outta the window, but it has her music ..so she won't
2.considering getting a life-change and leaving the material world to slump down next to some ice-covered mountain... but not growing a beard
3.assuming that there has to be a reason that one is born. because God can't be perverse right?
4.hoping that dinner will be yummy...
5.liking the idea of hating the world. seems fairly just and equal... also, well deserved
6.tired of feeling guilty because of her inability to miss even one day of college for theatre.
7.STILL feeling like a major ice-princess/cold hearted bitch for not being there for her dramsoc
8.considering asking some kind soul for a sandwich... but since all faith has been lost in kind souls, it's proving harder than expected
9.waiting for all the decisions to make themselves up and come to her in a clear map with size 14 font and Arial Black style.
10.demanding of life that it work out to the best of her advantage...
Whew, and they were the randomest is-ez.
I think i should go eat something and then chuck my phone in a corner till the year 2009.
and yeah, cut the TV time too.
haha. resolutions they be!
Finally ------ is missing all her friends who genuinely care and don't just pretend like they do.
Fuck third person. I miss all you people who care! i know you're busy and i am too.
Wish we had more time to just hang out and act like stray puppies let loose...or hyenas ...whatever fits the occasion. I miss you all so much! :(
It sucks to meet people who are fake and icky... sucks. i don't like!
Can't we all just gang up and shove them down a well or something?
Please. Well, at the very least don't hate me cuz i'm unable to say 'screw off' to my conscience...which is the only thing making me feel sane these days... weird, cuz i know you understand.. cuz i know you care enough to know that all this is really important to me.
That's why i miss you all. cuz, even when you wouldn't do the same thing yourself, you know and 'get' why i still have to.
Love, very much.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
of sins and all
If verbosity was a sin, i would be the first in line to enter Hell.
Luckily, so far its escaped the tag.
Luckily, so far its escaped the tag.
Friday, December 5, 2008
yakety-yak not :)
So there you have it. A fact about me.
I'm a believer.
I tend to believe in goodness. Work. Loyalty. Truth.
I like to believe that people are innately good and not evil.
That under the darkest black you can think of, there lurks some light. some hope. something positive.
I remember talking about what to forgive and what not.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
Not that i must go away.
Not that i must pick up the phone and ask for answers.
For the truth is in the taste of the pudding and the reading of the written word.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
made me more sure than ever before.
I still believe in goodness. (maybe not in you though)
i still believe in trust, faith, loyalty, respect. but not necessarily taking you as the core example.
i believe there are good souls out there, maybe you're one too. but not to me you're not.
I believe you can lie, you do lie... i dont know how you live yourself. It must be disturbed sleep.
I believe its time i see you as you are.
I even believe that last night, what was said to me... thats another reason for me to believe in warmth and genuine emotions from people who matter.
I believe God took it upon his (following the Christian version of God as a 'he') shoulders to tell me last night, through someone else, that hello.... though you know people lie....attempt to break your trust... your faith...rather, there are people who will test it.... in spite of all that you're gonna discover... i think i was meant to know that its possible to move beyond it, without tears or sorrow.
I believe i've been given enough reason to still believe.
One con cannot possibly outweigh the multiple pros.
You cannot and i will NOT allow you to shake my belief.
I will believe long after you have tried your best to betray me.
I will believe, not to spite you... not because i have to. I will believe because allowing worthless acts to disrupt that Faith is more shameful than the not-so-good act itself. I will believe with every fiber of my being. I will believe with all the strength, laughter, joy, love that i can muster up.
I will find and dig up more joy than ever before....revel in it. but i won't ask you to join in.
Alas, its for people who genuinely care...not those who pretend to. For even if i opened my arms to embrace you now (and forgave all as i had tried earlier) so heavily burning are you in the pyre of animosity that even a friendly hand will you bite.
Thank you very much and keep your distance.
Yours lovingly
with Untainted Belief (that you cannot/should not touch with a bargepole)
X-Peace-X
(right from the essence has this sprouted, never more pure in its intent. enough, time enough has been spent. now no more.)
shoving propriety aside, i scoff you. i scoff you wholeheartedly and yes, openly
(if of course, my blog you read :D )
ps- friends in the dicey world of reality, i will not talk about this more. the discussion is over.
I'm a believer.
I tend to believe in goodness. Work. Loyalty. Truth.
I like to believe that people are innately good and not evil.
That under the darkest black you can think of, there lurks some light. some hope. something positive.
I remember talking about what to forgive and what not.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
Not that i must go away.
Not that i must pick up the phone and ask for answers.
For the truth is in the taste of the pudding and the reading of the written word.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
made me more sure than ever before.
I still believe in goodness. (maybe not in you though)
i still believe in trust, faith, loyalty, respect. but not necessarily taking you as the core example.
i believe there are good souls out there, maybe you're one too. but not to me you're not.
I believe you can lie, you do lie... i dont know how you live yourself. It must be disturbed sleep.
I believe its time i see you as you are.
I even believe that last night, what was said to me... thats another reason for me to believe in warmth and genuine emotions from people who matter.
I believe God took it upon his (following the Christian version of God as a 'he') shoulders to tell me last night, through someone else, that hello.... though you know people lie....attempt to break your trust... your faith...rather, there are people who will test it.... in spite of all that you're gonna discover... i think i was meant to know that its possible to move beyond it, without tears or sorrow.
I believe i've been given enough reason to still believe.
One con cannot possibly outweigh the multiple pros.
You cannot and i will NOT allow you to shake my belief.
I will believe long after you have tried your best to betray me.
I will believe, not to spite you... not because i have to. I will believe because allowing worthless acts to disrupt that Faith is more shameful than the not-so-good act itself. I will believe with every fiber of my being. I will believe with all the strength, laughter, joy, love that i can muster up.
I will find and dig up more joy than ever before....revel in it. but i won't ask you to join in.
Alas, its for people who genuinely care...not those who pretend to. For even if i opened my arms to embrace you now (and forgave all as i had tried earlier) so heavily burning are you in the pyre of animosity that even a friendly hand will you bite.
Thank you very much and keep your distance.
Yours lovingly
with Untainted Belief (that you cannot/should not touch with a bargepole)
X-Peace-X
(right from the essence has this sprouted, never more pure in its intent. enough, time enough has been spent. now no more.)
shoving propriety aside, i scoff you. i scoff you wholeheartedly and yes, openly
(if of course, my blog you read :D )
ps- friends in the dicey world of reality, i will not talk about this more. the discussion is over.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
hugging the day, and more
Can i talk about the random-est thing ever? Can i?
Even if you said no, i won't stop. So here it goes.
Hugs.
i want to count the number of hugs i've been a part of today.
The days started out on a low note. like an instrument outta tune but then the sunshine started
to peek out from behind the (REALLY) huge clouds.
naturally, metaphorically speaking.
Once upon a time? Nah!
Sh-wuti. (psst, check out the way i've butchered her name)
S (warm)
Silly Billy (multiple times)
D-ika (new hug-er!)
Funti (to make her less grumpy)
H-ba (even though there was mud on the costume! :D)
S-shi (post-play)
S-ba (post-play)
S-na (screw dirty costume, we hugged like bear-cubs on the loose)
Me-zie (kaati hug. nostalgia)
Tani (awwle. warm like toast)
D-ny (umm relatively new-ish)
N-in (person i met for the first time today!..)
J-vi (haha. sandwich hug with above acting as slice one!)
wow, and this wasn't even a Major hug day! i guess it just feels great to wrap your arms around someone and indulge yourself!... vindhya i missyah! i know you're in delhi now, but i wanna sleeepovah! blasted Eliot!
Ps- D-ny, N-in and moi randomly burst into Mika' Grace Kelly in the middle of the meeting....the wonderful thing was that i wasn't the only one outta tune! *beams*... haha. sucks to those who think i can't sing! see people, there are other' out there who are worse. mwahahaha!
Even if you said no, i won't stop. So here it goes.
Hugs.
i want to count the number of hugs i've been a part of today.
The days started out on a low note. like an instrument outta tune but then the sunshine started
to peek out from behind the (REALLY) huge clouds.
naturally, metaphorically speaking.
Once upon a time? Nah!
Sh-wuti. (psst, check out the way i've butchered her name)
S (warm)
Silly Billy (multiple times)
D-ika (new hug-er!)
Funti (to make her less grumpy)
H-ba (even though there was mud on the costume! :D)
S-shi (post-play)
S-ba (post-play)
S-na (screw dirty costume, we hugged like bear-cubs on the loose)
Me-zie (kaati hug. nostalgia)
Tani (awwle. warm like toast)
D-ny (umm relatively new-ish)
N-in (person i met for the first time today!..)
J-vi (haha. sandwich hug with above acting as slice one!)
wow, and this wasn't even a Major hug day! i guess it just feels great to wrap your arms around someone and indulge yourself!... vindhya i missyah! i know you're in delhi now, but i wanna sleeepovah! blasted Eliot!
Ps- D-ny, N-in and moi randomly burst into Mika' Grace Kelly in the middle of the meeting....the wonderful thing was that i wasn't the only one outta tune! *beams*... haha. sucks to those who think i can't sing! see people, there are other' out there who are worse. mwahahaha!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
1.2.3. GO!
God! I'm 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.
Well, of course God knows, assuming my belief system is even .01% accurate. God knows.
but wait, do I know? Do i?
Do i realize the full implications of the baggage that comes with?
Its no longer all about melody and moving-with-the-flow crap.
People are DOING stuff for where they wanna be 4 months from now. or 5. maybe 6.
and i. am. watching. them. do. it.
Unless i strap on those running shoes, all these fancy words wont mean a flying-rats-left-bum.
They will mean nothing! nothing! nothing!
i should study Eliot.
Well, of course God knows, assuming my belief system is even .01% accurate. God knows.
but wait, do I know? Do i?
Do i realize the full implications of the baggage that comes with?
Its no longer all about melody and moving-with-the-flow crap.
People are DOING stuff for where they wanna be 4 months from now. or 5. maybe 6.
and i. am. watching. them. do. it.
Unless i strap on those running shoes, all these fancy words wont mean a flying-rats-left-bum.
They will mean nothing! nothing! nothing!
i should study Eliot.
unreasonable post-its.
Don't believe all those spiritual talks about forgiveness being positive and healthy. Doing so makes you forget the lesson learnt, until you scrape the barely-healed wound over the same old-rusty wire. It's important to not forget. If not forgiving is the only way to hold on to what the experience has taught one... its hard to pick what to do!
Measure the 'crime' ...label it? mark it with pink post-its for work-able.
purple for second-chance crime
orange for don't-look-back.
How many post-its per wound? One? Five? Seven or Nine.
You pick. you choose. you grab the new post-its and decorate each tear and abrasion.
Like medals awarded post-war for bravery.
Congratulations madame, you have survived 7 winters with 18 extra drops of dew on rosy cheeks. The extra dew was an accident, it had to go to Ms. YZU but reached your doorsteps. and then you opened the doors and let it wash over you.
Who asked you to? But it's okay that you did for not with it, you get a coloured post-it.
Pick choose. Divide your life into boxes.
Box A. Lets peek and see what you've stocked up on. Oh YES. We have a clear winner. It's mouldy-memories of playing with hand-me-down toys. Brown fluffy teddy's. The jury DOES like the innocent ones, brownie points await. *nudge*...*nudge*
Box B(eee) has torn bits of people-who-must not be mentioned. uhoh. Lets skip this then. The old skeleton in the cupboard? Ah oh (ignore cameraman ignore)
Box C. oh well, we're running out of boxes here folks but worry not the 148 post-its are STILL around. We shall label em. but not now, later.
After all it IS 12.20 am. time for baby to nap. not mine, yours, or anyone' we know. But some baby out there MUST nap.
Probably, yes.
Lets give it company.
now.
Measure the 'crime' ...label it? mark it with pink post-its for work-able.
purple for second-chance crime
orange for don't-look-back.
How many post-its per wound? One? Five? Seven or Nine.
You pick. you choose. you grab the new post-its and decorate each tear and abrasion.
Like medals awarded post-war for bravery.
Congratulations madame, you have survived 7 winters with 18 extra drops of dew on rosy cheeks. The extra dew was an accident, it had to go to Ms. YZU but reached your doorsteps. and then you opened the doors and let it wash over you.
Who asked you to? But it's okay that you did for not with it, you get a coloured post-it.
Pick choose. Divide your life into boxes.
Box A. Lets peek and see what you've stocked up on. Oh YES. We have a clear winner. It's mouldy-memories of playing with hand-me-down toys. Brown fluffy teddy's. The jury DOES like the innocent ones, brownie points await. *nudge*...*nudge*
Box B(eee) has torn bits of people-who-must not be mentioned. uhoh. Lets skip this then. The old skeleton in the cupboard? Ah oh (ignore cameraman ignore)
Box C. oh well, we're running out of boxes here folks but worry not the 148 post-its are STILL around. We shall label em. but not now, later.
After all it IS 12.20 am. time for baby to nap. not mine, yours, or anyone' we know. But some baby out there MUST nap.
Probably, yes.
Lets give it company.
now.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
rambling eeeeon eeeeeeon eeeeeeeeon
Regardless of what the world believes or how hard they (nearly all) yawn in E's class... Neruda is 'something else'. As usual? No, apart from Eliot (and that too at the end)... Neruda is the person who makes sense. at a universal meaningful level. More easy to appreciate esp after Beckett' Endgame. This is SO purely for people studyin literature. Sigh.
Whaznu? you ask.
Nuthin-mush. i answer.
Great indulging in random conversation with myself now.
Bein pulled towards abstract these days.
Gotta pull up socks (shoes, paintings, ribbons) all that it takes.
get (sit, huddle, scrunch) down to studies.
Ah. you englaisse language you.
keep spilling like coconut juice from, a coconut.
i want 31st December plan to come true.
'wild' partyin with a special few and considerably less special many.
whadddveneed? you ask.
people- check
transport- (umm)
venue- kindaah-yeah-okay-maybe check
clothes- (yay yay yay) check check check (the closet is bursting)
fancy perfect heels- (i could have included this in outfit but this way i get to gush MORE) CHECK
the desire to move out on 31st- check (currently)
permission- check (im 20, not 2)
sigh. Its all a fancy 'check' as a whole. (bites nails). Time will tell if 6 checks lead to one perfect night. :)
Whaznu? you ask.
Nuthin-mush. i answer.
Great indulging in random conversation with myself now.
Bein pulled towards abstract these days.
Gotta pull up socks (shoes, paintings, ribbons) all that it takes.
get (sit, huddle, scrunch) down to studies.
Ah. you englaisse language you.
keep spilling like coconut juice from, a coconut.
i want 31st December plan to come true.
'wild' partyin with a special few and considerably less special many.
whadddveneed? you ask.
people- check
transport- (umm)
venue- kindaah-yeah-okay-maybe check
clothes- (yay yay yay) check check check (the closet is bursting)
fancy perfect heels- (i could have included this in outfit but this way i get to gush MORE) CHECK
the desire to move out on 31st- check (currently)
permission- check (im 20, not 2)
sigh. Its all a fancy 'check' as a whole. (bites nails). Time will tell if 6 checks lead to one perfect night. :)
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