rum business

I had a super awesome concept all mapped out in my head. it had to be a pseudo-battle between what-i-think-im-like and what-i-want-to-convince-others-about-my-own-perception-bout-self (messy i know, you dont have to 'get' it) ..add to the murk another dollop of what-i-currently-think-i-would-like-HIM-to-think-of-me-as....

very twisted i know, probably i'll need about 40 years of therapy if i try and unravel exactly why i was intent on articulating that. Hmmpf. SO i wont try. See, i win.

but i got the whole 'the vision we have of ourselves is inaccurate' bit right. and then i went all loopy. became too personal and *chokes* personal. plus, not fun. just seemed like i was repeating what OTHER people had told me about me. how self-involved IS that?
you know, the usual bull crap like.. rosy pink+smart+worth more(wrt crushes)... yeah and the positive element. Meet bundle of joy that is me. Yehp right. They obviously have NOT been introduced to the crummy-cynical me that pops up every once in a while.
Actually, oddly enough they have but still stick like superglue to the ridiculous notion that i dont have a dark side. and this is not me fishing for 'Aww how adorable'. This is me clarifyin... where there is light then darkness is inevitable (at the most basic philosophical level)

i would like to be a lil mysterious-super-hero(ine) kinda hard-to-see-through person. Unfortunately as circumstances are... my cheeks and nose seem to spell out my life history for any innocent bystander to be subjected to. Plus my mouth has an annoying habit of giving-away every lil thing i wanna keep and hug to myself. Lack of self control. Tsk tsk.
No, i really dont do the 'blonde' bit and tell EACH bystander my 20 years of experience... but somehow, if anyone (with half a lousy brain) DOES bother to hang around and be chummy... they end up calculating how many chips im gonna grab before i buy the packet. OKay, again not SO bad but getting there fast. or maybe im hangin out with smart-er people these days. *gasp no!* :(

Anyway, as usual i seem to have rambled on for no good reason. im kind of happy that im now moving on from certain dead-end areas that have been lurking around the recesses of my mind for months now...they've eaten up MOST of my balance while examining them with S... and i've come to an almost unconscious decision in the most lovely gradual-edging-out way. and it doesnt even need will power. im a car running on automatic now. letting the path guide me, not with markers, but with the way the road curves. horribly fatalistic. But im afraid party number 2-3-4-5 (...) is going to get a little hurt. :( sorry but i hope your path is not too scratchy cuz of my screeching off it. i suggest you try and forgive me, cuz really.. im just trying to do my own thing without stepping on too many toes. Really.

and this applies to absolutely everyone in the universe....(even grey eyed aliens with vine-green arms)... try and emit a warning hum before exiting someone elses space, cuz when you leave with a WHOOSH then it leaves a vacuum, and no one likes to feel that empty (yes, the car metaphor just got translated to a wind/air thing).. people like solitude...yes (raises hand) but normally..normally when its self-imposed and you have the option of kicking open your door and letting people back in.
oh shut me up someone, i cant believe im still talking.
college tomorrow. hurrah?

meh .me. i

do you know how effin unfair it is to be awake at 3 am in your friends house with nothing to do???..... when BOTH your friends have dropped off to sleep... (post ahem dinner and drinks)...
so. what have i learnt today?...a lot actually but i dont feel like really sharing most of it.
primarily... i dont get high. correction..some innate reflexive thing stops me from getting too high or losing control. phobia? while other people are comfortable enough to flop around madly..i get to be party pooper...:(
what IS it with me and responsibility??....why do i always tug at its sleeves and it at mine?
but at least i danced like CRAZY. that was F-U-N.
i have so much to say and so little reason to put it into words over here.
feel like this space too has been invaded by nameless beings who make it hard-er for me to articulate what i once used to find easy. grr.
im gonna do something really soon. like maybe catch a yellow fish with a sky-blue net and then put it in my pocket. or maybe ill just keep writing more crap till sleep grabs on to my (borrowed) pjs and drags me to the bed. (ah. high hopes. i feel chirpy... wtf..its 3.14 am now)
today, blah-ly speaking, we played cards... talked... danced etc. .... the thing is...
i still feel like im playing dress-up in my elder sisters clothes with HER friends...
it doesnt seem anything like me.
been having the oddest urge to go and shake someone awake.... and say... TALK....TALK to me.
lets discuss the stars, moon, sun, pond-life, computer glitches, fashion, movies ANYTHING. but lets talk. dont leave me alone to mull over the movie 'cube'. i saw it right now. at around 1 am. (they packed off to bed at 12.45)...and i dont know what to think about it. i feel like Talking people... how hard is it to converse?...and the only person i called up (at 12.49) was fast asleep. bummer. :(
this is SO stream-of-consciousness. conrad will be proud. maybe pat me on the back and then run after my doggie. i miss my doggie's. (plural, please note). i wanna bury my face into them and nearly-strangle em with mii louuuv. gross right? but thats how much i want someone to be awake. *sigh*
i wonder when ill get bored of typing. wonder. wonder. wonder.
not anytime soon i think.
my cellphone is so dead. i never knew staying up would be so lame. where are the effin owls anyway?...hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo (owl call/hoot)
oh blah. if only wit flowed like wine. and wine was as cheap as water. and water was as clean as could be.
what heavenly times we live in. my eyes are finally goin a lil red (i think)
im gonna go cuddle up to buddies.
night-y night.
may you all get to stay up till 3.23 am and watch 'cube' alone.
(i will not dish up a review)

When we meet.

I have a deadline to meet. At 9 pm tonight we shall clasp hands under the banyan tree and hope that we have each lived up to our side of the bargain. I need to have pinpointed (in minute accuracy) where exactly i want to spend the next few years of my life... which career is most satisfying... how to get there and my deadline? my deadline has to present itself all decked up in pink and grey. Grey to be more fitting for the sober circumstances under which we meet. It will not be a cracker filled evening with patakas lighting up the night sky. it shall be two people 'catching up'. Time and finally, decisions. Or more accurately, the singular decision.

nothing rhymes with Kanpur.

I think every perfect room needs a perfect chair to park your bum and perfect book(s) to flip through. i will no longer put perfect in quotes insinuating that perfection isnt possible or relative. One thing i do know... though being glum and melancholic with violent shades of grey is currently in vogue... it doesnt make one happy. and WHY bother being anything else but?

The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.

Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.

i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....

i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.

ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)

not-growing-up

you can tackle life. its moments. incidents. problems. you can cry. howl. scream. but they all come under the comfortable label of 'protest verbally'. but what happens when you dont say a word? does silence automatically translate into acquiescence? or does it become heavy with depth and mysterious thoughts? bright ideas of revolution? hope.
nah. i dont think.

Timing is everything. when you meet someone, strike a chord. dislike pea-green footwear. notice the pink shade to the pashmina in the window. all about timing and someone very tiny is keeping tabs. a pixie i was told as a 7 year old. making teeny-tiny notes in a teeni(er) notebook. the pixie (sex undisclosed) notes all the good things you do and the bad. im sick of puttin the word GOOD and BAD in quotes to signify just how bloody relative they are. they're not.
okay fine. they MAY be. but the basics of morality remain the same. do not kill or hurt anyone.
im sick of debating with pseudo-intellectuals exactly WHY killing someone DOES mean you did something wrong. in our pursuit of elitism-of-thought we have gone quite mad. and morally awry. and sometimes nasty too.

the gnawing of nails must stop. so must the whining and need-for-escape.
escape where? to what? and ... how?
questions dont need answers. they need vodka that i dont drink and ciggies that i dont smoke. to numb the pain i dont feel. so questions dont need answers. and (tennis)balls(*sigh*) to anyone who begs to differ. we are not in a court of law where diplomacy is paramount. (or justice for that matter). we are here. on a blog. reading the rantings of someone who needs to be heard. but not by people who she doesnt know and will never know. she needs to figure out stuff.... needs to know why answers dont matter so much now, at this instant. why things dont feel 'together' anymore. why the trip tomorrow seems like the gloomiest thing in the whole-wide-world. she needs to know why she's talking in third person.

*perplexed*

No honey it aint PMS

"yeah.. each time a girl snarls at a guy...he mutters....'bloody PMS'
no babe. its actually not PMS. Its you. Uhoh. Yes, thats right. YOUR inconsistent attitude thats driving me up the wall and has my knickers in a twist. and in NOT a fun way.
Why do you think its SO amusing to fuck around with my feelings?
what kinda perverse asshole are you anyway?
if you like me...stick around and continue the fawning.
if not. take the next bus home to upthereville and rent a cabin. grow a beard. talk to a dog named ruby.
but dont hang around. dont call. dont text. dont say you 'miss' me.
im not bitter. im bored.
have been on the roundabout exactly 3000 times and now im going to be sick.
so do me a favour. and show yourself the door.
im too blinded by my own idiocy to point.
thank you very much.
so, no honey it isnt PMS."

Jhola Bag Journalism

Well i got a chance to write for a fashion magazine... lemme be more explicit. We're having Fashion shows in delhi and they want people who are reasonably articulate to string a few sentences together and pay em 500 bucks per 'piece'. Sweet. But i got lazy with the whole 'have to reply professionally' bit and didnt get back to them. (Ladies and Gentlemen, my tragic flaw- Laziness) Plus i figured since am leaving town in three days anyway, didnt make sense to stress myself out...when i have the option of oozing and flopping down in one room after the other. Ahem. (i distribute my time equally in all rooms of the house, except the kitchen...not counting rummaging for scraps)...

The thing is.. in the last 6 months have done a LOT of Journalist-ic work. Worked with a national daily, online newspaper and college-level print paper. So what have i learnt? (apart from the fact that this is not gonna be my full time occupation- ever)

-Creative satisfaction is a myth
-Under times of stress (and otherwise) the 'source which does not wish to be named' can be your pet cat
-You don't literally get ink on your fingers
-Working till 1 am only happens when you've been procrastinating all day
-It doesn't really 'improve' your english, maybe its flow
-Not everyone who plans to be a full-time journalist can write well (that surprised me)
-Bylines have the oddest way of being handed to me (though i didn't really write the content!)
ie. (unconscious)misappropriation of bylines is a live n' kicking reality
-People are so disorganized that it almost deludes me into thinking im competent
-You-Dont-Get-Your-Certificate unless you punch the daylights outta them and then feed em' glucose stuffed in meetha paan. (random example)
-The most shallow articles are the MOST fun to write. No brains or effort required.
-The pen is mightier than the sword only when it works and the readership is on a high
-People are well, people. Just not that lovable. (but that wasn't exactly a heart-stopping shock or anything)

Everything has its plus and minuses... It depends on how much you enjoy stuff that you wanna stick it out. For me, the journey has lost its bubbly excitement. So i guess its time for the last swig of the drink before i call it a night on my journalistic ambitions.

Ps- The aforementioned things 'learnt' do not reflect on any one organization but move well beyond the sphere of the three i worked in. Call it personal human experience that is not liable for being sued.
Yes, they taught me disclaimers and self-protection. :)