Glug-ity Glug

My ears are ringing with the loud Dong of reality.

You came, saw and sat on the bubble... those 2 extra kgs would've been missed on any other day... except of course today.
Crawled in, lugging with you a backpack that was handed over in all its lime green glory.
It too has things which were best flung out.
Old photographs, memories of coffee, one foot after the other- all scrunched up in a ball and tossed into the grey membrane. Preserved like love letters old and an once expensive lipstick.

The shirt, a canvas one longed to paint, spray... immortalize with a touch.
Reminding me of rum with coke n' ice.. that lingering taste and slow high.
Cold nights could do little to deter...

the huge drop from expectations, ignored.

You promised... you promised me candy and that too pink.
That aftertaste was supposed to be sweet.
and now with this, you expect peace?

Plans made many :D

As always, in spite of my being an amateur pscychoanalyst, i am not quite sure if many people feel the way i do when it comes to blogging... if i really feel like i've written something exceptional or something i just happen to be a little too fond of, i hate posting more right after that.... something like that post deserves a little extra time in the sun...ironic, because i'm quite annoying about not handing out my url to friends when they begin the pestering...

the few who have found me, well thats been more because of luck (as well as my insane stupidity and ignorance)...

there are a dozen things i could (possibly will) talk about.

For starters, 31st is inching closer each day.
What does that imply?

-Time for my One-year-break-from-chocolate-to-test-will-power to FINALLY come to an end.
(clap now, HARD)
-Just 9 more days left for exams then, panic mode shall be firmly in place. (insert scared face)
-I will get some wild-dancing time with a few friends and of course, the chick-flicks will have been selected days in advance. Bless vodafone, but not too much.
-I will find a more insane way of torturing myself for another 365 days by going on some weird i-will-not-eat/do-this kick. so typical... predictable... lame. But i know i'll do it.
-I'll have 5 months left before i turn 21. *gulp*
-I will find the love of my life and turn into a mushroom at 1 am.
(okay, i may have made that up)

It'll be another year... 2009 this time. (Didnt 2008 have a better ring to it?)
and i guess it would imply .... a pause.
Yes, thats the word. a pause that will specifically say... hey you there, stop for a minute (at least slow down) and maybe... reflect.
Think of all that you've done in 12 months... think of what you would have liked to do...
ask yourself why you didnt go ahead with that... maybe even demand if it was worth it not to go after it with your heart and soul...
Think of the people who have been a part of your life... maybe even thank someone up there for some of the blessings you've been showered with (umm, for the people who remain existentialists or atheists or spiritually uninterested... you can choose to gnaw your nails at this point)....
Think of all that you could have done... the good, the healthy, the fun, the constructive and otherwise (only wanted to include positives, but feel free to mention the harmful, painful, boring...whatever works for you)
Besides, im getting tired of people saying that truth is relative...that good doesnt exist.
Sick of the nonsensical philosophical debate that EVERY intellectual wants to draw me into, just to prove a cynical point.
Well, sucks to you....for i take my resolution right now (kaal kare to aaj kar proverb like)...

I, in the year 2009, do solemnly swear to continue to Believe in Goodness regardless of the repeated attempts of people/things/incidents to convince me otherwise. I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that something like faith is perceived as old-fashioned and refuse to conform to all those who bleat rebellious notions for the sake of rebellion. I refuse to let go of who i am, innately and promise to not lower my standards (in all possible ways). I know that pessimism and cynicism will take over on cloudy days but i promise and resolve that regardless of how hard it is, i will not let that hopeful child die inside of me... the kid who does not believe in Santa but remains convinced that it-will-all-be-okay-in-the-end... that someone IS watching out to ensure

the same... the kid who feels blessed... and very grateful.

Now writing that felt good. :)

Thank you for reading.

(but not if you skipped bits!) :P

white meadows, needed

Does everyone get an 'off' vibe or is that just restricted to the more insane of the lot?
Just about recently, this 'off' vibe has been going haywire to the point that its not really that much of a joke anymore. Crazy mistrust issues and 'argh' producing feelings. Terrible to kind of know what you think isn't real and not be able to back it with the facts.

Dislikes heavy
murky brown,
taste so bitter
its rarely found...

saying anything more would be on the excessive side.
When a hand is diseased, what does one do?
cut it off completely and salvage whatever is left of the gaping red wound?
or try over years of therapy to cure the infection that is desperate to claw its way to the body as a whole?...

now, i am no medical student... duh... but it sounds as though the safer option would be the former... but i dont know about the saner aspect of it, keeping the importance of the hand in mind.... probably in a real case...where mangled remains of a hand will be tangible... important people in clever-people glasses would scratch their heads with yellow pencils or blue gel pens, weigh the pros and cons of both... analyse the disease and its probability of getting cured by X miracle drug and then... then carefully suggest treatment....

'Lets wait for a few months Ms. S, it may turn out that the hand may not need to be cut after all. Its just these few dicey months that we have to get through.'and pat Ms S on the back and move on. Literally and mentally to another person, another case, another back to pat and hope to hand out. (sigh, the irony of it all)

(and now i note a new arrival)

Me- Dear Sensation-In-Stomach
we havent met for simply ages!
How have things been? wherever it is that you have been...

Sensation-In-Stomach- oh this and that have kept me busy..(evasive)

Me- Months ago you turned up in the oddest way, but then it meant something else and now it remains sheer paranoia. or thats what you lead me to believe. its not the physical disintegration of my 20 year old body, i know. its not that which you come to alert me of (or is it?... that paranoia talking again... apologies)...

Sensation-in-Stomach- maybe that its time to grow up and leave what is petty aside. not swirl it around each morning in the cup of milk with the cornflakes... never really wanting to gulp it down.
so stop the swirling and either chuck the cup into the bin or well, wait for a few more uncomfortable minutes and then chuck the cup in the bin. for face it, the cup WILL be chucked in the end and by the same hands which cradle it now.

Me- you, Sensation-In-Stomach, what is the meaning of this?
you invading my life in this unseemly fashion (i argue prudishly i know)

I Think- i know what you will say before those lips begin to quiver.... i know you will say.. 'But, my dear child... it was YOUR call i paid heed to.. you needed me to wake you from the slumber before the choice is snatched away by the hands of time... don't accuse me now of jumping in unasked when you know deep in your heard.. you need my voice'...

You're my conscience (i murmur softly).... Well, bummer, no escaping that.

Sensation-In-Stomach nods wisely.

Was the arm amputated or left to heal with medicines and time?
I'm hoping the Sensation-In-Stomach will stick around long enough to help me decide.
Peace. That i want. That i need.

(Bob Dylan helps, oddly...the answer may actually be blowing in the wind) *semi-grin*
and yeah, Merry Christmas to all :)

Propriety

Hearing a song that’s completely inappropriate can sometimes lead to fascinating discoveries. While plugged in to ‘Billo Rani’ on the radio and nurturing a stomach which seemed determined to fling out all undigested food, the song struck the strangest chord. The days of the strong chivalrous knights are now officially over. Loud claims at devotion may now be the key to courting rather than any attempt to actually act on professed adoration. Simply put, today people would be a million times more likely to declare ‘Billo Rani kaho to abhi jaan de doon’ but, as P-S wryly put it, when the dogs come barking then few would stick around to fight till death as earlier claimed.

*rolls eyes*

Then why the tall claims? Surely statements aren’t best served chilled in the largest beer mug possible. A reasonably calculated guess would blame history and tradition which have always dictated that men are supposed to fight for their women’s love. Climb unconquerable mountains, fight ogres, find missing Pomeranians and the rest of the heroic acts… all to win the admiration of the damsel as she sits safe in her glass tower chewing her nails or rather, painting them.

Time (and feminism) have managed to prove this concept a little on the obsolete side with women shrugging off the restrictive furs that bind them to cushioned seats and demanding a piece of the world or action in kick-ass terms. But does this automatically mean that the whole will-be-there-for-thou inclination of the male will now be pushed out of the window? In one of those memorable heart-to-heart chats we girls are prone to indulging in, Sal divulged that her idea of the perfect mate (in Wodehouse terminology) would be someone who would offer to carry her luggage not because he believed her incapable of lugging around 10 odd kgs, but because he wanted to and thought no less of her for letting him do that. I remember thinking ‘mirror-image’ instantly and we bonded for good, post talk. :)

However, these expectation prove a lil taxing for the average soul who would rather cut the bulls*it and simply ask ‘D’yu want me to carry the goddamn bags or not?’
The days of the conventional chivalrous deeds are gone, so does it make one a chauvinist to open doors and pull out chairs? Sal and I seem to think not, but the deal being if the intent is right. As far as the more grand of deeds go, they’re pretty much galloping away on the once awaited white horse and prepare ourselves we must, to bid them a tearful goodbye and remember to hold on tight to our hankies, which if fall… will no longer be swooped up by men in knee length stockings. Small mercies or nostalgia worthy, you pick.

(so It is Written.)

Turnips Pumpkins and Effin no holiday spirit, so sue me..not!

Reasons to not float around in the pond of gloom

-its grey, and that is NOT a flattering shade.
-everything feels twice as heavy...arms ...legs... the sofa you gotta lug around the house. Everything.
-the world becomes a mixture of senseless TV watching and cramming any kind of edible item into the mouth.. sandwiches, purple funflips, carrots, papaya. Anything.
-the books become impossible to focus on and even the appearance of the datesheet leads only to a mild panic attack. Not-a-good-sign.
-All the miracles of efficient management and old computer replacement with fab new one go by unappreciated. Ungrateful brattiness surfaces. Ugh.
-Words signifyin 'blah-ness' become part of the good-morning routine. A frown, snort, dissatisfied shrug... you name it and each gesture is more blah-bleh-bloo than the next. major Downer.
-Perfume, soup, books, people, writing randomly... nothing seems to matter....
-Christmas feels like a farce and Dario Fo (sob).. even Dario Fo fails!!!...Dario Fo!!!!!!!!!!!
-XYZ number of missed calls and endless texts do nothing except give more exercise to the annoyed eyebrows and numb fingers.
-All interest has been lost and a dull ache remains.

Life su*ks this time of year.
That is it, i'm going off funflips. Total ban.
Need water. Maybe more fruits. God, i hate all this.

Spice-less-ly yours.
Growl...

The Butterfly Effect

It is the strangest thing when talking about something refuses to help, yet writing ... just writing it out feels like its almost sucked out of you. The power of the pen, or now.. the keyboard. *insert comical face*

So i finally got around to watching 'The Butterfly Effect'... hands down my favourite movie barring none. Beyond fantastic direction and acting, the plot seemed to appeal to the more irrational side of the brain.. what a relief! Thank God that there is STILL a (teeny tiny) market out there for the people who don't want everything to be plausible and possible and probably and well... just a scientific possibility. Gives me hope in the oddest way.

Okay, if this was a 'real' review what would i ideally say?

The movie doesn't really start with a bang per se but the clever insertion of the Chaos Theory at the very beginning helps lend a tone and pace. Simply put, a flapping of the wings of a butterfly can cause a tornado halfway across the world.. Yes, it sounds fantastic but that seems to be the crux of the tale. As Jeeves would put it to Bertie.. one must never confuse the improbable with the impossible..or was it Psmith?
Ashton Kutcher does a remarkable job and is able to move away from the pretty-boy image post The 70's Show. The various twists in the movie keep one gripped, enough to ignore the time as we pray (or was it just me?) for a 'happy ending'. It does satisfy that need in a way but poignant moments are plenty with the slow realization-that regardless of how good ones intent is, each trivial (and not so) action has a consequence on somebody elses life too. We're all connected and there can be no real rectification of the past... If the power was alive to change the long dead and gone moments... then too, sacrifices would need to be made to achieve what can be the semblance of joy. Less complex to watch, more so to mull over. A must see for people who claim to have good taste, however... side-effect... it may creep you out just a little bit if you're the nervous kind.

So not really a 'real' review.. no critical input at all actually! Just biased analysis. Perfect. :)

You and I

us

look at that
now, spend some time
an year or two
maybe, a decade..mine.

stare on
now walk faster
ignore the signs
for after all
time matters not
when it remains mine

you, what more to say?
eyebrows left to describe?
not even those
its all been defined
put in boxes, categorized
each curve
followed with a sensitive tip
each word
dissected, to emotion fit
each action
Aha. but actions have been scarce
hence, easier to analyse
poke in and out of context

A mystery it once was
the thuddin heart
and sweaty palms
cliche's come alive
from novels slim, promising delight

each scent new
realization unique
a virgin heart
fluttering to be free
little knowing, what was soon to follow
and to what such freedom would lead

jump.
there, took a plunge.
words came tumbing out
a torrent strong
passion galore

whoopsie daisy.
temptation much
to spill ones guts.
This is life
Yes, its a test.
We can't really cheat..
but some people
are just plain ol' lucky
and get a paper easy.

Yesh Yesh. we all know its unfair. :)

Purple Mist

"Even the bitter-est pills can be swallowed with only a mouthful of water"

Balance, they say, is something of a positive in Life. Im sure its been put more articulately but this is how i see it. What is this balance anyway? Not going over-the-top happy...giddy... joyful....and then not descending into the depths of sorrow, dismay, dejection?

Is this balance? To have your fingertips held together in a steady way... knowing only an earthquake measuring 7 on a richter scale would break the connection. Is it getting a good 8 hours of sleep at night? Eating your fruits and vegetables but avoiding the mushroom and white sauce pasta? Is this balance?

Is it balance to draw the line a safe metre away from the point-of no return... the grey area of madness... the point once toppled over, will lead to chaos. Is balance being safe?

Is being safe equated to 'good'. But of course, safe..good...positive... all cousins in the English language. Britain and American both, Even Indian English. Universal sisters in the decisive grading into category A and B. A being all that is perfectly desirable, needed...wanted....flaunted as a virtue maybe. B being, that is which remains best avoided.

It is wished by many to be stronger. In this personal, inconsequential opinion.... it is only hoped that the memory of 15th December would not fade into oblivion and the time between 2 pm and 3, etched deep into some intricate part of the brain. I have a small suspicion.. it'll help keep the events tilted toward A and sanity.

Adios'

back in the blue yellow pink

Here Kitty, look....look...now i can 'share' stuff again ... yipee.

resolution number one. no matter how bad i look in photographs, i do solemnly promise, to not untag any picture from facebook. (unless of course its a pic of v and moi forcefully snogging the cutest boy you will EVER meet and the bestest actor. aww, now if only we knew your name)

resolution number two. will ask the more capable about internet problems and not cling on to my ignorance... and FORGET that i have a laptop which can be ALSO make the net work. *slaps self lightly, im not into sadomasichism*..

three. i wont care if i spell some words incorrectly or dont know the exact pronunciation of a French or Latin phrase. sue me, so i Don't know French :)..*shrugs...pseudo sniff too*

i promise to not let things get under my skin, unless i know for a fact that they will in some way improve my .. complex..life. OR give me fabulous material to write about :D

I've had more or less a great week...i waited and waited and waited for the sun to shine .. so it didn't ...exactly. but im okay. yes Swati, I'm also gonna take full names now, so be warned. mwahahahahaha. But finally it did, in a way...watched 4 straight hours of mind-numbing TV. worked like a charm.

Chronologically speaking, well screw that. i saw some GOOD plays. there was Stephens' 'Teechers' (deliberately spelt that way, i think)... Kirori's 'Line mein Lago'... and well... these two are the ones that stuck.
the first one was flawless....effortless...and had the person vindhya wanted to snog, haha your secrets out! :P:P...well..he WAS ohsogood in the play..it was impossible to NOT want to snog him... you had to be a straight guy or REALLY asexual girl... (yes, cry all you people...cry that you missed it)..the latter ...i was watching it for the second time after disliking it in Kanpur..and this time, *CLAPS*....THAT good.... really fabulous acting...!!!! people are fantastically talented! :P yay...and no we didnt fall for any boy in that play..jeez, we're loyal to the unattainables too you know! *wink*

wow, was SO not in the wink mood and managed that! you make me feel good wordsss...you do!
been missing this... and yesh, went for about 17 family functions too.. all dolled up... yea yea, good food "*grins*...and FYI (for your information)...kashmiri guys SO taking a beating when it comes to the 'oh wow' factor.. dont judge me..my cousins were lookin for the eye-candy while i grabbed the jalebis. speaking of loving jalebis...my fav long-distance cousin is (was) in town.. managed to talk a lil to her and just enjoyed the love :)...met her only once before this but it was enough for a 'bond' :D
aww, family~! yeah so we all managed this less-dolled up lunch in Big Chill on S'day. Perfect. Bonding with sisters over pasta. Plural. Real sis too ... and then hung out with Sana and company near KFC somewhere..sigh.. life was a huge ball of sunshine :D...but yeah..what goes up must come down (too)... *sigh*..bummer at a small level but nothing that needs to be articulated in tooo much detail. Rest assured im TIRED> tired tired tired...so tired and full... full to the brim, and people are full of it too. only, i think its more garbage in their case...sue me, so im biased.

my assignment marks need a serious make-over. but how? we have a new sir. P sir. amazing. prejudiced leftist brilliant. :D i like! but in a sir-teacher way. finally somebody who gets some LIFE into the text. wake up kids...its a PERSON teaching you now :D
so what else? i'm liking college, i tend to. but now... theres somethink lurking. yeah confusion.
im just gonna cram up... forget the world and kick some butt ... whose? i dont know.
anyone who stops me from cramming up?
maybe.
Vindhyyyy stick around in delhi and make me less of a party-pooper. Please.
Who else will blackmail me into coming to KFC just to hang out?
Who'll make my lazy ass come outta the house and drag me to fantastic plays?
Who's gonna tell me to let things 'be'????
Who?
you...thats who!
yeah that rhymes. im a genius. unforseen development right.
S, i want ice-cream too...and for the same reason.

These words are my diary screaming out loud...

I want to write some honest 'is-s'.... you know, the ones on facebook....i'm never really able to spill my guts and write what i am is-ing, or whatever is the appropriate term for flopping around and thinking...being... existing!

------ is

1.thinking of chucking her phone outta the window, but it has her music ..so she won't

2.considering getting a life-change and leaving the material world to slump down next to some ice-covered mountain... but not growing a beard

3.assuming that there has to be a reason that one is born. because God can't be perverse right?

4.hoping that dinner will be yummy...

5.liking the idea of hating the world. seems fairly just and equal... also, well deserved

6.tired of feeling guilty because of her inability to miss even one day of college for theatre.

7.STILL feeling like a major ice-princess/cold hearted bitch for not being there for her dramsoc

8.considering asking some kind soul for a sandwich... but since all faith has been lost in kind souls, it's proving harder than expected

9.waiting for all the decisions to make themselves up and come to her in a clear map with size 14 font and Arial Black style.

10.demanding of life that it work out to the best of her advantage...

Whew, and they were the randomest is-ez.
I think i should go eat something and then chuck my phone in a corner till the year 2009.
and yeah, cut the TV time too.
haha. resolutions they be!

Finally ------ is missing all her friends who genuinely care and don't just pretend like they do.
Fuck third person. I miss all you people who care! i know you're busy and i am too.
Wish we had more time to just hang out and act like stray puppies let loose...or hyenas ...whatever fits the occasion. I miss you all so much! :(
It sucks to meet people who are fake and icky... sucks. i don't like!
Can't we all just gang up and shove them down a well or something?
Please. Well, at the very least don't hate me cuz i'm unable to say 'screw off' to my conscience...which is the only thing making me feel sane these days... weird, cuz i know you understand.. cuz i know you care enough to know that all this is really important to me.
That's why i miss you all. cuz, even when you wouldn't do the same thing yourself, you know and 'get' why i still have to.
Love, very much.

of sins and all

If verbosity was a sin, i would be the first in line to enter Hell.

Luckily, so far its escaped the tag.

yakety-yak not :)

So there you have it. A fact about me.
I'm a believer.
I tend to believe in goodness. Work. Loyalty. Truth.

I like to believe that people are innately good and not evil.
That under the darkest black you can think of, there lurks some light. some hope. something positive.
I remember talking about what to forgive and what not.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
Not that i must go away.
Not that i must pick up the phone and ask for answers.
For the truth is in the taste of the pudding and the reading of the written word.
Repeated thumps. Repeated mistakes. Repeated lies have convinced me now.
made me more sure than ever before.

I still believe in goodness. (maybe not in you though)
i still believe in trust, faith, loyalty, respect. but not necessarily taking you as the core example.
i believe there are good souls out there, maybe you're one too. but not to me you're not.
I believe you can lie, you do lie... i dont know how you live yourself. It must be disturbed sleep.
I believe its time i see you as you are.
I even believe that last night, what was said to me... thats another reason for me to believe in warmth and genuine emotions from people who matter.
I believe God took it upon his (following the Christian version of God as a 'he') shoulders to tell me last night, through someone else, that hello.... though you know people lie....attempt to break your trust... your faith...rather, there are people who will test it.... in spite of all that you're gonna discover... i think i was meant to know that its possible to move beyond it, without tears or sorrow.
I believe i've been given enough reason to still believe.
One con cannot possibly outweigh the multiple pros.
You cannot and i will NOT allow you to shake my belief.

I will believe long after you have tried your best to betray me.
I will believe, not to spite you... not because i have to. I will believe because allowing worthless acts to disrupt that Faith is more shameful than the not-so-good act itself. I will believe with every fiber of my being. I will believe with all the strength, laughter, joy, love that i can muster up.
I will find and dig up more joy than ever before....revel in it. but i won't ask you to join in.
Alas, its for people who genuinely care...not those who pretend to. For even if i opened my arms to embrace you now (and forgave all as i had tried earlier) so heavily burning are you in the pyre of animosity that even a friendly hand will you bite.
Thank you very much and keep your distance.

Yours lovingly
with Untainted Belief (that you cannot/should not touch with a bargepole)

X-Peace-X

(right from the essence has this sprouted, never more pure in its intent. enough, time enough has been spent. now no more.)
shoving propriety aside, i scoff you. i scoff you wholeheartedly and yes, openly
(if of course, my blog you read :D )

ps- friends in the dicey world of reality, i will not talk about this more. the discussion is over.

hugging the day, and more

Can i talk about the random-est thing ever? Can i?
Even if you said no, i won't stop. So here it goes.

Hugs.
i want to count the number of hugs i've been a part of today.
The days started out on a low note. like an instrument outta tune but then the sunshine started
to peek out from behind the (REALLY) huge clouds.
naturally, metaphorically speaking.

Once upon a time? Nah!

Sh-wuti. (psst, check out the way i've butchered her name)
S (warm)
Silly Billy (multiple times)
D-ika (new hug-er!)
Funti (to make her less grumpy)
H-ba (even though there was mud on the costume! :D)
S-shi (post-play)
S-ba (post-play)
S-na (screw dirty costume, we hugged like bear-cubs on the loose)
Me-zie (kaati hug. nostalgia)
Tani (awwle. warm like toast)
D-ny (umm relatively new-ish)
N-in (person i met for the first time today!..)
J-vi (haha. sandwich hug with above acting as slice one!)

wow, and this wasn't even a Major hug day! i guess it just feels great to wrap your arms around someone and indulge yourself!... vindhya i missyah! i know you're in delhi now, but i wanna sleeepovah! blasted Eliot!

Ps- D-ny, N-in and moi randomly burst into Mika' Grace Kelly in the middle of the meeting....the wonderful thing was that i wasn't the only one outta tune! *beams*... haha. sucks to those who think i can't sing! see people, there are other' out there who are worse. mwahahaha!

1.2.3. GO!

God! I'm 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

Well, of course God knows, assuming my belief system is even .01% accurate. God knows.
but wait, do I know? Do i?
Do i realize the full implications of the baggage that comes with?
Its no longer all about melody and moving-with-the-flow crap.
People are DOING stuff for where they wanna be 4 months from now. or 5. maybe 6.
and i. am. watching. them. do. it.

Unless i strap on those running shoes, all these fancy words wont mean a flying-rats-left-bum.
They will mean nothing! nothing! nothing!
i should study Eliot.

unreasonable post-its.

Don't believe all those spiritual talks about forgiveness being positive and healthy. Doing so makes you forget the lesson learnt, until you scrape the barely-healed wound over the same old-rusty wire. It's important to not forget. If not forgiving is the only way to hold on to what the experience has taught one... its hard to pick what to do!
Measure the 'crime' ...label it? mark it with pink post-its for work-able.
purple for second-chance crime
orange for don't-look-back.

How many post-its per wound? One? Five? Seven or Nine.
You pick. you choose. you grab the new post-its and decorate each tear and abrasion.
Like medals awarded post-war for bravery.
Congratulations madame, you have survived 7 winters with 18 extra drops of dew on rosy cheeks. The extra dew was an accident, it had to go to Ms. YZU but reached your doorsteps. and then you opened the doors and let it wash over you.
Who asked you to? But it's okay that you did for not with it, you get a coloured post-it.
Pick choose. Divide your life into boxes.

Box A. Lets peek and see what you've stocked up on. Oh YES. We have a clear winner. It's mouldy-memories of playing with hand-me-down toys. Brown fluffy teddy's. The jury DOES like the innocent ones, brownie points await. *nudge*...*nudge*

Box B(eee) has torn bits of people-who-must not be mentioned. uhoh. Lets skip this then. The old skeleton in the cupboard? Ah oh (ignore cameraman ignore)

Box C. oh well, we're running out of boxes here folks but worry not the 148 post-its are STILL around. We shall label em. but not now, later.
After all it IS 12.20 am. time for baby to nap. not mine, yours, or anyone' we know. But some baby out there MUST nap.
Probably, yes.
Lets give it company.
now.

rambling eeeeon eeeeeeon eeeeeeeeon

Regardless of what the world believes or how hard they (nearly all) yawn in E's class... Neruda is 'something else'. As usual? No, apart from Eliot (and that too at the end)... Neruda is the person who makes sense. at a universal meaningful level. More easy to appreciate esp after Beckett' Endgame. This is SO purely for people studyin literature. Sigh.

Whaznu? you ask.
Nuthin-mush. i answer.

Great indulging in random conversation with myself now.
Bein pulled towards abstract these days.
Gotta pull up socks (shoes, paintings, ribbons) all that it takes.
get (sit, huddle, scrunch) down to studies.
Ah. you englaisse language you.
keep spilling like coconut juice from, a coconut.

i want 31st December plan to come true.
'wild' partyin with a special few and considerably less special many.
whadddveneed? you ask.
people- check
transport- (umm)
venue- kindaah-yeah-okay-maybe check
clothes- (yay yay yay) check check check (the closet is bursting)
fancy perfect heels- (i could have included this in outfit but this way i get to gush MORE) CHECK
the desire to move out on 31st- check (currently)
permission- check (im 20, not 2)

sigh. Its all a fancy 'check' as a whole. (bites nails). Time will tell if 6 checks lead to one perfect night. :)

to belong

I wake up and my eyes widen. Something doesnt feel quite right i think fumbling for words.
There's N chasing his mutt Rhino. G hobbles on as always towards the seedy bar, his only companion in old age.
We were all scared that the town would flood says a voice behind me.
i jump. okay, its only Nat..and he talks to everyone.
It may seem normal but somewhere i just know that the unusual is prancing around.
waiting to pounce, like the tiger that escaped from the zoo last week. or was it last month?
i'm going to look around i decide. Yes, firm regulated footsteps towards each house.
Knocking on doors, windows. Pans?
oh wait. now my pants are soggy. its okay, just a little puddle. seems fairly large though.
distracted by a yellow light i look up. oh. its now time to sunbathe.
i go towards the camp. the camp where the others sit together.
and i apart.
Everyone ignores me. Relief. Yes, its all normal.
But wait, everyones pants are wet too.
Somehow they all stepped into the same large puddle.
finally, a sense of community. we all know what to ignore and what all to accidently step into.
i muse and some more water splashes on my pants.
ummm. it feels good to call these people a 'we', its me with them i think joyfully.
finally. i get to be like them. see, even my pants are getting more wet.
JUST LIKE THEIRS!
ah! finally, a sign from the big man up there.
we belong together. 'we'... 'together'
this water feels chilly. ah, my knees feel chilly.
they're shivering too.
Is this what friendship is? i wonder.
how instantaneous is the empathy!
no wonder we all want a 'we' in life.
who wouldnt? i hug myself.
ummhumm. i guess i must have slipped into the puddle completely.
look, my shirts wet too. and its getting harder to walk.
feels like im wading. but its all okay, they're all wading too.
i feel good. this is a good day. we have so much in common now.
There goes a fish right next to my ear.
for a second i'm alarmed and then i get it.
of course.
the fish have learnt to fly.
relieved, the others... my friends... they all nod in agreement.

--------

Oh Dear Me.

fingers are turning a light blue
and heart pale yellow

Dearest Winter,
I'm glad you're here. It gives us all something concrete to complain about.

Dearest Happy-Person,
The air of joy around you infects everyone within a 5 mile radius.

Dearest Crappy-Things-in-the-World,
The consistency is appreciated for the virtue that consistency is, nothing more or less.

Dearest Guardians-of-Morality,
Its time you glance into a mirror. Chances of provoking narcissism are few. Trust you me.

Dearest Knife-in-the-Back,
It hurt at first but now am getting used to the sting.

Dearest 'Louuu',
dearest dearest lou. haha.

Dearest Laughter,
You have very strong arms that pull me outta every pothole i trip into. Keep working out!

Dearest Blogger,
dearest dearest blogger, i louuu you. you give me time to breathe and speak!

Dearest Pink,
You look good with silver and purple, and you make us all look darrrrn good.

Dearest Words,
If life was a teacup and you coffee then you runneth over in mine.

Dearest Common-sense,
i miss you.

eff it all, its just a phase

If life was a golden lab following us around (till it prances away and we die). If a dog was our pulse and its bounding next to us HAPPY our good phase. Then this time, i was jogging and the dog came up behind me (snuck up really, the mutt) and with a joyful leap left muddy footprints on my back (tall dog?).

so i know its icky and i probably should change outta the pink outfit (catering to stereotype here)... the outfit being circumstances... and i know...if i dont change then that mud IS going to dry up. it WILL be harder to clean up. it WILL take more time. and i keep running around the park all muddy anyway.

That, is my life. THIS is a phase.
I should go back to reiki.
I know it'll help.

-i want january to come. i want to study for my exams. i want to not have time to blog 5 times a day.

denied music

i admit. I'm disappointed.

(but my hush-hush blog does say.. that its okay, okay to not have the world fall exactly into place. its okay to feel disappointed just as long as you're able to go beyond that. its all okay. because 'in the long run, we're all dead')

Now, songs i've been dying to download (but which isn't happening anytime soon ...sniffles)

James Morrison- Undiscovered

Ian Dury- One love

Blue Cantrell- Hit em up Style

Dido- Don't believe in love

Michaelson- Be okay

Kate Perry-I Kissed a Girl

Des'Ree- You Gotta Be

Barry Manilow- Cant smile without you

Atomic Kitten- The Tide is High

Sheryl Crow- Love is free

Michael Sweet- All i wanna do (is love you)

Pink- So what

One thing i could NEVER be? a music snob :)

nope, not even if i tried! very hard!

sweet-tooth

Just two more assignments to go. JUST TWO. And and and and, one of which is voluntary.. Relief-time. Now! :D

Now if that wasn't reason enough to celebrate... i actually have a list of reasons for huge-smile-plus-natural-joy-in-abundance

-a- S's surprise birthday party went off AS smoothly as possible considering the umm disconnected bits of people we invited. I mean, mixed crowd. But she loved it, so its the intent and result which matter...not the road blocks. This metaphor is SO over-done-cooked-gnawed upon!

-b- I realized there werent enough reasons to feel crummy about. The thing is, moping about with a long face is okay for a bit... but ultimately we owe ourselves enough to cheer up. Seriously, if ever there's a time to advocate selfishness its when it comes to grabbing happiness. Scrub away all the muck thats littering up the room (metaphorically, kinda- my room is a lil bit of a disaster) and feel clean. positive. uplifted? Yes. Happy.

-c- There's a party coming up... in the past, ive always ended up shying away from the more obvious forms of celebrations.. (like parties) but this time, its not your usual deck-up-look-steaming-hot-to-click-pictures kind. its more laidback and happy-zone . Like minded people and loads of chips. Plus theme (which is WHAT btw?...)..

-d- before i forget.... i finally finally finally found an alternative to the chocolate-sin that i've been craving. Jam doughnut-thingy-sugar-explosion! Jam doughnut OKAY!
sounds simple?...haha. you poor ignorant soul yooh!....imagine a doughnut bun with white sugar sprinkled lightly over it in just the 'right' too-sweet quantity... mashed between the two sugared buns oozes pink jam thats just soft enough to melt in your mouth.. plus, its not one of those weird peanut sized barely-there desserts...its whole and fills you up.... makes the 11 month no-chocolate period seem like no big deal. Okay. i found what i'll be going back to next week too! :)
sigh.... someone once said maths and music are connected. I say poetry and food are. *yum*

Just re-living that jammy-doughnut experience has made me happy enough to prance around....*sighhhhhhhs*.......i think its time i go and enjoy the beautiful world that awaits me. see, LYRICAL. Thankyoohh yum food and incredibly talented chefs who make it. :)
You-Will-Be-Blessed...if you aren't already!

ps- my new official 'status' as per thoughts....i'm lending an ear for the very last time...

*peace*

college. *rolls eyes*

Yeah so apparently when i write something i REALLY believe in...no one 'gets' it. That, my friend, is tragic with a capital T. Make that the biggest 'T' your black marker can scrawl on an A4 size sheet. HUGE 'T'. Oh well life must go on and i must make an exaggerated attempt to follow it. Really now, NOT the way to talk...*smacks own self*

Im in college right now waiting for S to finish printing her assignment... Heart of Darkness....yes, we finally got around to it :)
okie...Tring. Bell.. gotta rush :(...wanna write so much more.
(computer poofed on me back home)..typical.

quick nutshell gist-

S's party actually managed to ..happen. yes and God supported both Shruti and i in the most creepy way... Auto's got free...everyone else got delayed (too)..and yeah just the 'right' amount of people showed up. Thankyouzzzz will be bestowed later(maybe)

okay gotta scoot..funti is eyeing the computer.... i mean...really...look away people!
NOW.... seriously...get a life!

ps-anu desperately wants a mention. she NEEDs one. okay, here you go. *pats head*

I know time won't pause and i won't move.

Eliot Eliot Eliot- You are my Prince and everything else.

How wrong is it, to that, give time? (Title)

a squirrel crawled up on my leg
so deep in thought was i
that it, i barely felt
odd, for so much time had been spent
at age eight, in chasing them
their friends, cousins and foes.
chasing them all on foot, at times alone.

today, so deep was that meditative thought
that it sneaked up on me so
did it too feel, the moments blazing intensity?
i patiently waited for it to flee(to go)
(for a man was 'it', or a woman she?)
but imagine my surprise
when it chose instead, to touch me

its tiny paws, fell light on dark denim
cautious footsteps yet unaware of my presence
Is this what they mean
when we're asked to wait?
for heaven to gently fall at our feet
in a heavily engraved metal plate?

What was its intent? i mused
for when i moved
it too scampered away
and i wondered
what would have happened
had it, the courage to stay.
-----

I guess you would call the above a symbolic poetic free verse attempt. Or 45 minutes alone in the chaupal with music post-eliot class.
Is it a rape of emotions to cut them into little pieces and feed them to uncomprehending beasts?

"I'm inhaling the poems whole with no restraint. Letting them rest on my own self, creating acidic reactions like black petals which refuse to melt into the redness of the raw skin. With Prufrock's indecisiveness i sway."-

Ironically, this has been the most vocal i've ever been in any post. Ever. And yet i won't be shocked if no one ever 'gets' it. Guess you gotta be the writer and no one else to know to know EXACTLY what it all means strung together the way it is.

OMG. Last night started out on a super-great note. I'd been wondering if i should give classes a miss and go watch the VERY FIRST performance of mii dramsoc' stage play. *sigh* yes, the one i could have/was a part of till Oct 1st. So, well... was in two minds. BUT THEN... a text came blinkin outta NOWHERE....declaring (in its electronic 'boing') NO CLASSES AT ALL (for ED people..european drama..ie. what i've opted for. meaning? YIPPEEEE)

Now it was so effin unbelievable that i nearly fell off the bed with pure unadulterated joy! Really!
the team did a FABULOUS job and the only crumpled leaf in this garden was not 'accidently' bumping into DawwwGie. but made up for that by hanging out with omigod-drool-drool-drool-etc person. And of course, THE play. the PLAY. THE PLAY. :)
Lord of the Flies. There, now i can announce it to the (blogger)world! :D
Totally amazing novel by William Golding...shares a nearly-similar theme with the likes of The Descent in movies and Heart of Darkness in Literature. But Goldings work gives goosebumps like nothing else.

Plus the acting of the kids was FAB. when i was busy chewing my nails and thinking about Obama, they grew up into reasonably fine actresses! :) (will NOT use 'actor' for both sexes. will NOT).....they can EMOTE people!!!!!!...EMOTE!....aww. could totally see their hard work.
Its been unbelievably tough letting go of the dramsoc... but today i felt really beautiful inside. all warm and happy cuz they HAVE reached where WE ALL wanted to go. and that feels like... heaven? or is that too much of a Raymond-ad cliche'? :D

Ah just got a text from EEEDEH-boy. He may just start to grow on me if i spend more time with him. Now is that a good thing or bad? (that one can get used to almost anything and anyone...given time and lack of serious revulsion)

oh oh oh oh description of XYZABC- (people should get better names. work brain work).... ohhh so godaaaaamn perfect. :)...S, HaaaaaaaallllLppppP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*now reaaaaaally*

Conscious Conscience

If your voice is loud enough (and pleasant enough to the ear) then chances are you're gonna qualify for the street play dramatics team in college. But what about the overtly hyper LOUD annoying conscience that literally takes over when you think of a not-so-nice thought???...

In order to ensure i DONT start (or finish) my Rhinoceros assignment i've been talking on the phone, staring at the sky, discussing law as a career, ruminating on Obama and what i really know about him, wondering if a cow will ever chew ...okay anyway, i've also been surfing online and i landed up on a blog. well, here is the thing...i normally consider myself to be someone who is interested in pretty much everything...salsa sauce, skipping, teenage angst, 10 ways to spell 'hypocrisy' etc... but here was a blog... that was staring right at me. It was about economics.

*let there be silence*

well, not just the interesting lets-make-sense economics but words that leapt up with mini swords and massacred the tiny shreds of interest-cells i had buzzing around (who were already dyin to escape via the drain pipe)...please note i HAD economics in 12th so am not completely ignorant of the basics. But this one, just killed me. total and complete annihilation of love for writing like that. Maybe you'll say writing is an art even if people choose to be mind-numbingly boring (or maybe you wont)... and to that i'll say. *sticks out tongue*. yes, thats my workplace suitable.. child-safe.. age-appropriate response :) The only reason i'm not linking it or thrusting its (gasp) writing over here is not to spare the readers (you're old enough to see the not-so-pretty side of life) but because my conscience spoke up. LOUDLY. It told me that im not being very nice and my personal notions of 'interesting' should really take a long (well deserved?) hike up the Himalayas with a green backpack strapped to my back. Basically, mums the word.

So thank my super-annoying conscience for being the most articulate thing around since the late 17th century. Now, i realized i've actually been VERY keen on watching Boston Legal. Trivial you might say and again, i wont care. V asked moi to come for Dostana in the evening.. i kinda blew it off... so i could stay in and watch Boston Legal. Basically, Allan Shore. OMG. That sums him up.. or do you reaaaally want me to go ga-ga here?

Now wading away from the shallow side of the pond, lemme think about ALL the 'boo-tiful' work that awaits me. Why boo-tiful? No reason but i've just been dying to use that word.
Well there is Genet' The Balcony, Walcotts poem, Byrons poem, Ngugi and Mugo' play, Conrads Heart of Darkness and Ionesco' Rhinoceros. Basic bad-ass week assignments. Darneet. I should really finish up some today. :( managed to wriggle out Ibsen' Ghosts last night, was tough but made it :D not too proud of it though. A good assignment is like a happy sleepy baby.... initially its cryin for attention.. but once you bounce around with it... nurture it et al... (drug it?) a GOOD assignment is like a napping baby then. quiet and you feel a sense of accomplishment once its not wailing in your ears. An average one isnt like a baby at all.. its more like... if-its-4am-and-im-still-not-satisfied then i dont really give a damn. Oh screw the baby parallel. A good assignment makes me feel happy and worthy... an average one feels like ive stepped on some cow dung in my best shoes.

Ah. life as a kid studying literature. Blessed beaaaaaautiful and joyful. (please get the sarcasm. please)... so yes my dear MCP of a friend A, Eng(Hons) is about 'reading novels'.
If i respond with a much warranted 'up yours', will my conscience still hate me?

Swazii

friends are not people who agree with everything that you do.. nor are they people you simply confide in... you dont have to share every detail of your (in)significant life with them.... (if you are, then that cuts down on the time you have to actually LIVE life)... they're people you grow with.. who you help grow too. Not just in years... but grey cells if you're lucky! :0

sometimes they beg you to let something go..and you disagree.. stubbornly (sometimes, secretly..) a teeny bit guilt stricken you turn your back on sense and march right into disaster... waltz into mayhem?....jump into a murky pool?... slip into a dress that barely fits! ah. yes, a female-oriented odd metaphor.... i tell you, we do the foolish deed with eyes WIDE open (and specks firmly held in place)... but the sellotape holding the frame together is that same friendly advice without which the world may seem... may seem lopsided. I cant speak for the rest of the world who refuses to tell me its life story... but as things have turned out... my friends. real friends have always (always) known where to say 'no'. Unfortunately i havent always known when to agree. hey, im human...im allowed a mistake (or two) :D

there are people who you treasure..
there are people who you are happier for when something truly exceptional happens for them... and then there are moments when you both howl together because you dont know why you hurt each other and somehow, dont know any other way to feel 'better'. Better, What a wonderful word that encapsulates a HUGE sense of relief.

The same relief that a friend can give you just by telling you the truth when you need to hear it. Swazii Sezz this is for yooh
my best-est friend and (TOTALLY) harshest critic. Someone i should not turn to when my eyes well up with unwarranted tears *i dont get the sympathy hug*... but when i really need someone (and some sense knocked into me) guess who wins my vote? *HUG*

Now for the bullet points that are bursting to be articulated suddenly!

-On 26th Oct 2008, in Kanpur i scribbled something hastily on a paper napkin as it occurred to me... which went something like... the difference between dreams and reality is what leads to all the unhappiness in the world. Simple enough, i know but it got to me as i sat in some random eating-joint looking around and wondering why i wasnt completely ecstatic bout life as it stood in front of me painted in hues of pink-purple-grey. An odd thing to think perhaps considering i was in a position of extreme liberation and utter freedom....... but still, there you have it. the human bloody mind.

-Today i was reading something S had written in namita's class (she was feelin creative today. sheesh, why dont i have such days?...why do mine sneak up on me mid-writing?)... and i realized she was evolving as a writer... not just changing but improving... in an obvious way. But i dont see a change in my work... from three years ago, most definitely (i always wonder how parents instill faith in the kid when they sprout the worlds worst crap...my first few paintings and literary attempts werent exactly inspiring...but they always found ways to help me feel good about them... parents are FABULOUS)... coming back to S... her work reflects her essence best. abstract in a lovely way.

-I need to see Dostana, no not in the i-need-to-go-to-the-dentist way but more like.. i wanna ...*childish tantrum*.. jeez im totally tryin for that film appreciation course once third year exams are over! so totally... my real break!

Ps-met Gordimer and made her sign My Sons Story.. wasnt as big as a high as expected. tsk. what IS it with expectations?.. why do they still slink up outta nowhere??...
These questions, when will they be answered in black and white?
*want peace*...*demand peace*...*get peace*
:)

You know and so do I

You know there are too many people in the house when you step on the welcome mat to dust your shoes and.... a billion particles of crap rise up chattering excitedly.. because of a million people having done the exact same thing 10 minutes before you.

You guess its time to exercise when your jogging tracks begin to grow moss on them. (and sprout a flower or two from the pockets)

You assume that its a phase when you feel like kicking away your cellphone and not talking to a person whose call you used to once wait for.

You know that words like 'theres always a silver lining' pop out of peoples mouth when the worst is yet to come, and they know it.

You guess meeting the author of a book in your course would be the highlight of your day and not a moment when you wanna doze off...(guesses can also be wrong)

You assume that when you have nothing to talk about, conversation will run out in a few minutes- so why doesnt it?

You know you should feel young...happy...lively at twenty. You know a hell lot of things...guess some more... assume nearly all. And then, reality bites all these preconceived notions in the bum.

:)

"Busy"

There comes a phase in every (every) girls life when she just wants to switch off her phone and allow calls/texts to pile up (in network space or wherever they go to 'wait')..14 to 40 hours later...casually switch it on... spend 20 mins reading the lamest of messages (no, no forwards, luckily my friends have outgrown that)... and then simply refuse to reply to them. sans guilt. wow. ah, the freedom to border on obviously rude- how i crave you.

For the last few days answering the phone has become a major chore of sorts. i look down at the screen, sigh and then answer. if only being human and moody was more acceptable. i guess it is but just not by everyone. Speaking of which (everyone) we had one of our rare lectures today.
Normally, NORMALLY most of our teachers would prefer to strip naked, cover themselves with ant-attracting syrup and jump into a 50 meter deep pit...rather than miss a lecture with the class. Very sincere i know and its much appreciated right about 3 days before the exam when we miraculously remember class discussions. However, that being said, most of us cheer LOUDLY when classes are cancelled. The 'Sons and Lovers' lectures are a pretty rare occurance, primarily cuz the teacher in question drfits in to class.. reads random excerpts... provokes a discussion which is bound to have an ambiguous end... and then strolls out after 35 mins (10-15 mins before the bell rings)... this is a RARE teacher... but also how college professors are SUPPOSED to behave (it was a myth fed to us in our pram hopping years)

Anyway, it was her assignment that was the first no-critics-our-opinion one in three years of college life.... and i loved it. Today we ended up having the longest discussion about who was really to blame for Paul and Miriam' break up. Frankly, the final thought remained that though Paul' mother did not like Miriam etc, ultimately we all make our choices... we cannot keep blaming our parents/friends for the decisions we make.. thats what growing up is about. accepting responsibility for the choices you make.
the choice to talk or stay mum, to act or wait to react, to think more or blindly follow faith..
to give it ONE last try or be sensible and turn our back to the barely-breathing past and move on to a fresh and perhaps more joyful future. All choices and the most sensible ones are not the most often picked when it comes to acting on them.. odd, but thats humans for you- twisted.

S, Sw and i hung out for our official 'picnic' today, and the talked to turned to sins (i-dont-know-how) ...and which one WE would commit if assured of no guilt- no karmic backlash- AND no one would EVER find out (except those we wish to tell)..... I wont tell you what S and i said but hell, we're evil enough. Sw (aww) is still rummaging up the darkest thing she can bring herself to do. *mwahahaha*... its okay Sw, we need good people like you to balance the rest of us :)
(Ps- though the dictionary believes otherwise, we have drawn clear distinctions b/w a person who indulges in 'bitchy' talk and someone who IS innately a 'beeetch'... you have to be a girl to figure it out...:D)

Yea yea, I'm here.
and no, its really me.. i'm not paying someone with double-chocolate oreo cookies to write for me... (good idea though)

This is going to be random... like those awful syrup packets they give with Diet Chips.. Really, thats their name. Identified solely as the products which will lead to less calories you need to burn off. Hence, desired.. purchased... munched on... (winced because of)... and then munched some more on. Ahem. My life 6 months ago. Now, its Kurkure. (i DID warn you about this posts 'random' status)

Speaking of which, i chose to ignore a friends clear (sensible) advice... She didnt even need to verbalise it, her hums-and-haws gave it all away. And okay, she was right as i knew she would be.

My point is, why do we jump into the mud with our eyes wide open.. and then complain when our clothes get dirty?!?... it felt like a question AND exclamation moment.. very rare i know.
Oh, if only we knew where to draw the line.. and not want to erase it after every few months.
There has GOT to be something good about being indecisive right? More choices?
Argh.

Ps- major chocolate cravings... now that the one-year-break-from-chocolate is coming to a crawling-ish end... it seems that the temptations out to get me. Just a couple of weeks left... and i'm acting like a lost puppy when people munch on (creamy... yummy... oh-so-delicious)bars of chocolate around me. I-need-a-distraction. Toffee?

To whom i owe enough.

When i was still a 'performing-member' of my dramsoc, this was something i had written for my character. Its partly inspired by what may have been Begum Jaans thoughts in 'Lihaf' (by Ismat Chughtai)... At least my interpretation of the situation as it was.

Scene- A couple is dancing together

She Thinks "What is love? Is it the first glance you cast on me? The moment i knew i simply had to be yours. Hoping to one day feel your slender fingers brushing away stray hair from my face. Is it the warmth of your breath at night that i treasure so deeply? Sometimes, when you're asleep i tell myself that you're dreaming of me. That's why that smile crosses your face, right? I thought marriage would be the perfect union of bodies and souls. A pretty picture that grows only more beautiful with time. Each wrinkle adding grace to every passing year, and now the fairy tale has come true. I can hold you, claim your love. Display my devotion. But to what? A cold statue who performs his duties? Gives mechanical responses to my wails for attention. I can't leave you because i love you but why can't YOU end it? Must we dance this miserable waltz day in and out? I guess you don't see that your indifference hurts more than blatant rejection. But i love you still. So, what is love?"

(context- Trapped in a marriage with a homosexual man who she is in love with.)

I didnt really want to put this out into the vicious world.. frankly its far too precious to me. But this is my final act of vulnerability. With this, i finally say goodbye. I do not know if i will feel the urge to come back and continue my garbled version of life as i see it, here. I do not know if i will find some other way to 'vent it out'. But i DO know that this IS an end of sorts. There are very few moments when you are aware that things are changing at the exact moment that they are. Consider this my anagnorisis. Yes, after a long wait i've finally found one word to describe a vivid feeling, to the dot.

The beauty of the English language is remarkable.

Missed-conceptions

Been working. after what seems like years, finally. worked. No details. Not now anyway.
Worked on college work. Worked on DU newspaper. Worked. Worked till my eyes got red and fingers tired. Read till every bit of me was aching for a pillow to rest my head. Thought till my grey cells went on an indefinite strike. Dialled numbers, one after the other. Texted. Called. Missed Called. Punched in Digits. Working all the time. Venting out the steam bit by bit... one alphabet at a time.

The world isn't dismal. It cant possibly be, not with the awesome things that are happening in Sh's life. Its miraculous events shaping up right in front of our eyes. They've been conceived and are now coming out.. in all the gross child-birth imagery. The music is resounding in my ears. Some sounds are familar, others not. I am so not in the mood to watch that play tomorrow. I've been waiting for it all week, for multiple reasons. But now, im tired (predictably so) and dont want to care. Actually, do not care. All i feel is the music and the discomfort in my fingers as i point-blank refuse to give them a rest.

Finally some hardcore punjabi music. Yes. Fina-effing-lly. and no more need to think. Music does that, esp Punjabi music. Headbang time? Yes, we dont just head-bang to metal. Its Delhi. :)

Whoops. Song changed...'everybodies making love cause love is free...'
how bloody ironic is that?... haha? okay God, i promise to laugh . Maybe later, :)
(see Sh, im smiling and i wanna know, its just because of you... really. Thankyou)

OMG. "Begging you for mercy....".... Its time to slip on those dancing socks (umm, its kinda chilly) The Radio is haunted by my soul-ghost. How do you know which song to play? How? Are you peekin into my essence and cross-examining it for what it needs to hear? Even lyrics ive just been introduced to... are dancing on all the right chords. Making their presence felt... under my skin. Under the thinnest layer and flowing (in a medically improbable fashion) around. Wonderful. Time- 1.51 AM is the most amazing moment of every day, external stimuli wise. Ohmigod. Life is so inexplicable. Bloody insane ride.
i-am-going-to-make-it-all-work
ps-finally got my marks for that opinion based answer that i was once going ga-ga over. Validated. My opinion matters. Period. :) (for a tired, torn and exhausted person i'm quite chirpy... feel blessed. )

rum business

I had a super awesome concept all mapped out in my head. it had to be a pseudo-battle between what-i-think-im-like and what-i-want-to-convince-others-about-my-own-perception-bout-self (messy i know, you dont have to 'get' it) ..add to the murk another dollop of what-i-currently-think-i-would-like-HIM-to-think-of-me-as....

very twisted i know, probably i'll need about 40 years of therapy if i try and unravel exactly why i was intent on articulating that. Hmmpf. SO i wont try. See, i win.

but i got the whole 'the vision we have of ourselves is inaccurate' bit right. and then i went all loopy. became too personal and *chokes* personal. plus, not fun. just seemed like i was repeating what OTHER people had told me about me. how self-involved IS that?
you know, the usual bull crap like.. rosy pink+smart+worth more(wrt crushes)... yeah and the positive element. Meet bundle of joy that is me. Yehp right. They obviously have NOT been introduced to the crummy-cynical me that pops up every once in a while.
Actually, oddly enough they have but still stick like superglue to the ridiculous notion that i dont have a dark side. and this is not me fishing for 'Aww how adorable'. This is me clarifyin... where there is light then darkness is inevitable (at the most basic philosophical level)

i would like to be a lil mysterious-super-hero(ine) kinda hard-to-see-through person. Unfortunately as circumstances are... my cheeks and nose seem to spell out my life history for any innocent bystander to be subjected to. Plus my mouth has an annoying habit of giving-away every lil thing i wanna keep and hug to myself. Lack of self control. Tsk tsk.
No, i really dont do the 'blonde' bit and tell EACH bystander my 20 years of experience... but somehow, if anyone (with half a lousy brain) DOES bother to hang around and be chummy... they end up calculating how many chips im gonna grab before i buy the packet. OKay, again not SO bad but getting there fast. or maybe im hangin out with smart-er people these days. *gasp no!* :(

Anyway, as usual i seem to have rambled on for no good reason. im kind of happy that im now moving on from certain dead-end areas that have been lurking around the recesses of my mind for months now...they've eaten up MOST of my balance while examining them with S... and i've come to an almost unconscious decision in the most lovely gradual-edging-out way. and it doesnt even need will power. im a car running on automatic now. letting the path guide me, not with markers, but with the way the road curves. horribly fatalistic. But im afraid party number 2-3-4-5 (...) is going to get a little hurt. :( sorry but i hope your path is not too scratchy cuz of my screeching off it. i suggest you try and forgive me, cuz really.. im just trying to do my own thing without stepping on too many toes. Really.

and this applies to absolutely everyone in the universe....(even grey eyed aliens with vine-green arms)... try and emit a warning hum before exiting someone elses space, cuz when you leave with a WHOOSH then it leaves a vacuum, and no one likes to feel that empty (yes, the car metaphor just got translated to a wind/air thing).. people like solitude...yes (raises hand) but normally..normally when its self-imposed and you have the option of kicking open your door and letting people back in.
oh shut me up someone, i cant believe im still talking.
college tomorrow. hurrah?

meh .me. i

do you know how effin unfair it is to be awake at 3 am in your friends house with nothing to do???..... when BOTH your friends have dropped off to sleep... (post ahem dinner and drinks)...
so. what have i learnt today?...a lot actually but i dont feel like really sharing most of it.
primarily... i dont get high. correction..some innate reflexive thing stops me from getting too high or losing control. phobia? while other people are comfortable enough to flop around madly..i get to be party pooper...:(
what IS it with me and responsibility??....why do i always tug at its sleeves and it at mine?
but at least i danced like CRAZY. that was F-U-N.
i have so much to say and so little reason to put it into words over here.
feel like this space too has been invaded by nameless beings who make it hard-er for me to articulate what i once used to find easy. grr.
im gonna do something really soon. like maybe catch a yellow fish with a sky-blue net and then put it in my pocket. or maybe ill just keep writing more crap till sleep grabs on to my (borrowed) pjs and drags me to the bed. (ah. high hopes. i feel chirpy... wtf..its 3.14 am now)
today, blah-ly speaking, we played cards... talked... danced etc. .... the thing is...
i still feel like im playing dress-up in my elder sisters clothes with HER friends...
it doesnt seem anything like me.
been having the oddest urge to go and shake someone awake.... and say... TALK....TALK to me.
lets discuss the stars, moon, sun, pond-life, computer glitches, fashion, movies ANYTHING. but lets talk. dont leave me alone to mull over the movie 'cube'. i saw it right now. at around 1 am. (they packed off to bed at 12.45)...and i dont know what to think about it. i feel like Talking people... how hard is it to converse?...and the only person i called up (at 12.49) was fast asleep. bummer. :(
this is SO stream-of-consciousness. conrad will be proud. maybe pat me on the back and then run after my doggie. i miss my doggie's. (plural, please note). i wanna bury my face into them and nearly-strangle em with mii louuuv. gross right? but thats how much i want someone to be awake. *sigh*
i wonder when ill get bored of typing. wonder. wonder. wonder.
not anytime soon i think.
my cellphone is so dead. i never knew staying up would be so lame. where are the effin owls anyway?...hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo (owl call/hoot)
oh blah. if only wit flowed like wine. and wine was as cheap as water. and water was as clean as could be.
what heavenly times we live in. my eyes are finally goin a lil red (i think)
im gonna go cuddle up to buddies.
night-y night.
may you all get to stay up till 3.23 am and watch 'cube' alone.
(i will not dish up a review)

When we meet.

I have a deadline to meet. At 9 pm tonight we shall clasp hands under the banyan tree and hope that we have each lived up to our side of the bargain. I need to have pinpointed (in minute accuracy) where exactly i want to spend the next few years of my life... which career is most satisfying... how to get there and my deadline? my deadline has to present itself all decked up in pink and grey. Grey to be more fitting for the sober circumstances under which we meet. It will not be a cracker filled evening with patakas lighting up the night sky. it shall be two people 'catching up'. Time and finally, decisions. Or more accurately, the singular decision.

nothing rhymes with Kanpur.

I think every perfect room needs a perfect chair to park your bum and perfect book(s) to flip through. i will no longer put perfect in quotes insinuating that perfection isnt possible or relative. One thing i do know... though being glum and melancholic with violent shades of grey is currently in vogue... it doesnt make one happy. and WHY bother being anything else but?

The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.

Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.

i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....

i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.

ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)

not-growing-up

you can tackle life. its moments. incidents. problems. you can cry. howl. scream. but they all come under the comfortable label of 'protest verbally'. but what happens when you dont say a word? does silence automatically translate into acquiescence? or does it become heavy with depth and mysterious thoughts? bright ideas of revolution? hope.
nah. i dont think.

Timing is everything. when you meet someone, strike a chord. dislike pea-green footwear. notice the pink shade to the pashmina in the window. all about timing and someone very tiny is keeping tabs. a pixie i was told as a 7 year old. making teeny-tiny notes in a teeni(er) notebook. the pixie (sex undisclosed) notes all the good things you do and the bad. im sick of puttin the word GOOD and BAD in quotes to signify just how bloody relative they are. they're not.
okay fine. they MAY be. but the basics of morality remain the same. do not kill or hurt anyone.
im sick of debating with pseudo-intellectuals exactly WHY killing someone DOES mean you did something wrong. in our pursuit of elitism-of-thought we have gone quite mad. and morally awry. and sometimes nasty too.

the gnawing of nails must stop. so must the whining and need-for-escape.
escape where? to what? and ... how?
questions dont need answers. they need vodka that i dont drink and ciggies that i dont smoke. to numb the pain i dont feel. so questions dont need answers. and (tennis)balls(*sigh*) to anyone who begs to differ. we are not in a court of law where diplomacy is paramount. (or justice for that matter). we are here. on a blog. reading the rantings of someone who needs to be heard. but not by people who she doesnt know and will never know. she needs to figure out stuff.... needs to know why answers dont matter so much now, at this instant. why things dont feel 'together' anymore. why the trip tomorrow seems like the gloomiest thing in the whole-wide-world. she needs to know why she's talking in third person.

*perplexed*

No honey it aint PMS

"yeah.. each time a girl snarls at a guy...he mutters....'bloody PMS'
no babe. its actually not PMS. Its you. Uhoh. Yes, thats right. YOUR inconsistent attitude thats driving me up the wall and has my knickers in a twist. and in NOT a fun way.
Why do you think its SO amusing to fuck around with my feelings?
what kinda perverse asshole are you anyway?
if you like me...stick around and continue the fawning.
if not. take the next bus home to upthereville and rent a cabin. grow a beard. talk to a dog named ruby.
but dont hang around. dont call. dont text. dont say you 'miss' me.
im not bitter. im bored.
have been on the roundabout exactly 3000 times and now im going to be sick.
so do me a favour. and show yourself the door.
im too blinded by my own idiocy to point.
thank you very much.
so, no honey it isnt PMS."

Jhola Bag Journalism

Well i got a chance to write for a fashion magazine... lemme be more explicit. We're having Fashion shows in delhi and they want people who are reasonably articulate to string a few sentences together and pay em 500 bucks per 'piece'. Sweet. But i got lazy with the whole 'have to reply professionally' bit and didnt get back to them. (Ladies and Gentlemen, my tragic flaw- Laziness) Plus i figured since am leaving town in three days anyway, didnt make sense to stress myself out...when i have the option of oozing and flopping down in one room after the other. Ahem. (i distribute my time equally in all rooms of the house, except the kitchen...not counting rummaging for scraps)...

The thing is.. in the last 6 months have done a LOT of Journalist-ic work. Worked with a national daily, online newspaper and college-level print paper. So what have i learnt? (apart from the fact that this is not gonna be my full time occupation- ever)

-Creative satisfaction is a myth
-Under times of stress (and otherwise) the 'source which does not wish to be named' can be your pet cat
-You don't literally get ink on your fingers
-Working till 1 am only happens when you've been procrastinating all day
-It doesn't really 'improve' your english, maybe its flow
-Not everyone who plans to be a full-time journalist can write well (that surprised me)
-Bylines have the oddest way of being handed to me (though i didn't really write the content!)
ie. (unconscious)misappropriation of bylines is a live n' kicking reality
-People are so disorganized that it almost deludes me into thinking im competent
-You-Dont-Get-Your-Certificate unless you punch the daylights outta them and then feed em' glucose stuffed in meetha paan. (random example)
-The most shallow articles are the MOST fun to write. No brains or effort required.
-The pen is mightier than the sword only when it works and the readership is on a high
-People are well, people. Just not that lovable. (but that wasn't exactly a heart-stopping shock or anything)

Everything has its plus and minuses... It depends on how much you enjoy stuff that you wanna stick it out. For me, the journey has lost its bubbly excitement. So i guess its time for the last swig of the drink before i call it a night on my journalistic ambitions.

Ps- The aforementioned things 'learnt' do not reflect on any one organization but move well beyond the sphere of the three i worked in. Call it personal human experience that is not liable for being sued.
Yes, they taught me disclaimers and self-protection. :)

'Mithas'

I love music. No, i do. I may not know every genre around or every elusive artist who's worshipped by the special few. But music does something. Theres a flow. Like in the tapping of a keyboard. The consistency as one taps down word after word. Click-click and thoughts articulated. Sweet. Dont know if it makes any sense....but it does to me. a rhythm. the 'dhum' of an instrument unknown. (ah ignorance you embrace me so hard) when your body can sway... flow... melt like water. become one with the soul of what you're hearing.

Its not about fancy lyrics or heart rending declarations of ideologies...its the intake of a breath of fresh air after hours of being in a stuffy room. When you inhale....and the relief of sweet cold water traveling down your parched throat (that you never knew was so parched). As you rock back and fro, right in one place and press re-wind on your ipod. its livng more in the present than ever before. In Nalick's words...."Just breathe"

Ps- Had a fantastic day just because it was so ordinary. Am so blessed to enjoy so much joy in an average day. Thank you God. Its days like this, when thread together, you look back on and think...'yes, i had a great life'.

Ding Dong. wham bam?

Theres a lot going on as of now...( this is gonna sound ridiculous by the end of the post)

Sh has bounced into a relationship. Yup. the super(dupah) genius herself...and S and i didnt even know they invented guys that smart (i know..i know.. sexist)
Just a few weeks ago, Sh and i were talking about the whole elements table thing (periodic table?)...where some elements were put into place before they had been technically FOUND (im really bad at science)...so...she had said something about "the" guy being something like that... you're aware (vaguely) that he DOES in fact exist...but no ones pin pointed him as of now... the Mysterious Man who wont be an ass. (i know i know...sexist again)

Moving on, the thing is.. a lot is also GOING to happen..so im kinda puttin in my efforts to prepare myself for the same. We leave for IIT-K really soon... i wonder if it'll be as awesome as it was the last time we went. Probably not...cuz of all the expectations and stuff. But at least i'll get to listen to some decent music and indulge in 5 hour discussions about absolutely nothing with people that im very close to. :)... Plus V will be there.. :D miss v!!!!!!.... pune is lucky to have her most of the year!....

This year really nothing has worked out as i had anticipated. I left Theatre. *breathes* Its still hard to think about it. Have become this person who is someone i dont quite 'get'. if you know what i mean..which you probably dont..cuz I dont. so how can you? *see see*...the person i know as me wouldnt talk like that.

Managed to gradually disassociate with people who werent healthy for my peace of mind and yeah...got a face-changing haircut. yea yea...trivial i know...:D
Somehow this already feels like December... a time to make resolutions feel! im obviously not quite normal in the head (no wisecracks S!)
but i think im happy. Even though i dont know EVERYTHING in the world and every single detail about how the future is gonna turn up (with pink ribbons or silver?).... im going with the flow cuz i have to... im enjoying it (warily) cuz i choose to.

signing off in the pink of health!
*touchwood*
muah!
*there are very few things writing-it-out doesnt help in*

Pampered no more! -Updated

Okay..so im not well and grumpy... Maybe im grumpy BECAUSE im not well... *argh, of course*
Correct me if im wrong (which im not btw) but isnt it written somewhere in the constitution that "when thy is ill, then pampered you shall be"...or maybe its the Bible..i dont really know.
What i DO however know is...the world is supposed to be revolving around the greatest and most childish ME right now. Thats right, you heard me... i should be carried from one room to the other on the backs of Egyptian slaves who will feed me rare berries at regular intervals. And also fan me with orange silk fans. But thats not whats happened. (i know, shocking right?)

Mom has (unreasonably) decided i must go to the Doctor. Now how ridiculous IS that? Who goes to the doc when they're unwell? Exactly, no one! I knew it. Its just a sham to drag me out of my room for a couple of hours so that they can paint it an awful parrot green. Why? Well, i just know these things. And plus no one is being AT ALL sympathetic... yesterday when i wanted to sleep ON the bedcover...mum said no! how hardhearted IS that???...i mean...here i am...sprawled on the bed and wanting to sleep on the bedcover cuz it gives me a sense of joy and perfection...and people have to take that away from me too. *sniff sniff*

But before you all start weeping let me tell you a little secret...its okay..im gonna make it...no really! i have it from reliable sources (umm, they dont wanna be disclosed) that im not gonna die from a tummy ache just yet. Okay, i guess i havent been COMPLETELY honest...when we were going to Pattaya without my parents to the beach..sister and i were given 2 basic instructions
-no outside food
-no going in the sea water

well, we kinda stayed in the sea water for about 7 hours...and ate some Thai food. ahem. technically 'outside' food...but in order to justify our actions... we werent like eating OUTSIDE food cuz were IN Thailand..so thats local food and the sea water..well who goes to the beach and doesnt swim??? But try telling that to my tummy who refuses to recognize my logic and insists on proving my parents instuctions as right. hmmpf. Typical, take THEIR side.
So now what? Guess i gotta go to the Doc...:(
Unless of course i get completely well by 3 this afternoon *beams*
oh well...in hope we all continue to live.
ciao.

Update
So i went to the doctor (yea yea GASP)...but its all (semi) okay now...*beams*
yay for medicine. :P
ps-im daaaaamn whiny!..oh well..*shrugs*

Reality-Finally!

Wow...what a way to celebrate the 200th post...yes, nows your cue to cheer :D
Im back. Yup. The family holiday got over and honestly im in love. Not with the place...not with the people...not with anyone in particular. More like an idea. See, after years of putting it off (subconsciously saving the best for later i tell myself)...i read Ayn Rand' The Fountainhead. No i will not gush. I will not become a cliche'. I will not talk about the 5 pens i used up scribbling my thoughts on pages that never seemed to end..and that i almost clung to (i didnt even want it to end...cuz then there would be the resolution...and god help someone out there if it wasn't just bloody fantastic)...luckily..it was. but not in an obscene way. In a life-goes-on but lets-be-strong way. Okay, my way of expressing it is too poor but ...it changed stuff. It changed how i viewed stuff for the past few days. I think it may just have changed me for good. Oh damn. Ive never been a good adapter.

But lets talk about the weekend. Not in chronological order cuz that would just be an insult. Okay, not really. but ahhhhh. So bloody much to say/think/feel. One constant thought. Im in love. The sea...finalllyyyyy....im back to loving it in the same-yet-different way. It kinda pulls you in...(yes, i am aware of the scientific facts behind the tug..have had my basic education you know!)...and if you look at it from a certain angle (my angle)...it pulls away your negativity and swallows it up whole. A LOT of embarrassing stuff happened... i wore the wrong kinda shirt (ahem)....tore my Pjs (badlyyy!!)....kicked/punched someone really helpful (purely by accident)....it was all unplanned and messed up..but i had a blast. Went on a banana boat (which basically tosses you out into the ocean at regular painful intervals).....Jet Ski-eddddd....just wallowed in the water.....and gave-in. To what? Just thoughts. I dont know. Its been a strange 4 days (maybe 5). But im SO super glad i went. A lot of stuff has changed. For starters there is still tons of water in my ear! Im totally outta the loop )study wise. And i met a pal. Someone who i connected with...and that is super-rare. Thank you Sa (pal)...sorry for accidently punching+kicking you. :D i dont know why i added the smiley! But somehow...you made the trip 79% of what it was! :):):)

Not a typical post...but then..what is? :P
Im BACK!
ps-Will try and put up some snaps!
ps2- i feel like im in this bubble that cant be pierced...its not exactly happy-happy...cuz that would be temporary..more like a cushion...that even if stuff gets to me...it wont get to ME. like, there will always be a part that gets squashed...but also another part (in that same squashed part) who will be okay. And being okay is very important.

Gotta keep moving. :D

Nothing in 'vain'

Okay, im totaaally crawling out of that mini-crater i fell into. (metaphorically)
Got a fabulous 'new' haircut. God! What IS it about having someone else wash/gently massage your hair and then having it expertly cut and blow dried to perfection?
Note- Man is a vain creature, who likes his luxuries. (Of course man refers to humanity as a whole...didnt have time to make it feministic-ally correct..forgive me my spunky ancestors)

Spunky- now THERES a word i like. Its got that whole kickass feel behind it. Almost something you would expect a younger arnold schwarzenegger to whisper to a co-worker whose just saved the world from a massive alien invasion. "you know baby, this is somehting i jusss gOttttta tell you...*cough cough*...you got some mighty fine spunk"... and the co-worker wouldnt simper sweetly but probably blow up another alien that was about to kill arnold. (i should REALLY not watch so much TV)

Speaking of which Private Practice seems like a nice carry-on version of Greys Anatomy. No really, i thought it would be crap and stuff...but very nice. Alisons moved on to a 'new' place with new people and well........somehow, i like it. Makes sense to move on from the dead past right? or even dormant complicated past! *yay* So i got a haircut and she moved to a different city and started a new kind of Medical Practice...parallel lives eh?

Other than the usual...there are possibilities of great plans...a family holiday maybe! *yaaaay*...just to make sure im all packing up (mentally) and yeah...somewhere between soup+salad last night and an 8am drink of water...i seem to have given a ride to some passing germs. Got cold :(
Oh boohoo...at least my hair looks fabulous!...okay, vain day it is! Cheer for me Universe!
:D