to belong

I wake up and my eyes widen. Something doesnt feel quite right i think fumbling for words.
There's N chasing his mutt Rhino. G hobbles on as always towards the seedy bar, his only companion in old age.
We were all scared that the town would flood says a voice behind me.
i jump. okay, its only Nat..and he talks to everyone.
It may seem normal but somewhere i just know that the unusual is prancing around.
waiting to pounce, like the tiger that escaped from the zoo last week. or was it last month?
i'm going to look around i decide. Yes, firm regulated footsteps towards each house.
Knocking on doors, windows. Pans?
oh wait. now my pants are soggy. its okay, just a little puddle. seems fairly large though.
distracted by a yellow light i look up. oh. its now time to sunbathe.
i go towards the camp. the camp where the others sit together.
and i apart.
Everyone ignores me. Relief. Yes, its all normal.
But wait, everyones pants are wet too.
Somehow they all stepped into the same large puddle.
finally, a sense of community. we all know what to ignore and what all to accidently step into.
i muse and some more water splashes on my pants.
ummm. it feels good to call these people a 'we', its me with them i think joyfully.
finally. i get to be like them. see, even my pants are getting more wet.
JUST LIKE THEIRS!
ah! finally, a sign from the big man up there.
we belong together. 'we'... 'together'
this water feels chilly. ah, my knees feel chilly.
they're shivering too.
Is this what friendship is? i wonder.
how instantaneous is the empathy!
no wonder we all want a 'we' in life.
who wouldnt? i hug myself.
ummhumm. i guess i must have slipped into the puddle completely.
look, my shirts wet too. and its getting harder to walk.
feels like im wading. but its all okay, they're all wading too.
i feel good. this is a good day. we have so much in common now.
There goes a fish right next to my ear.
for a second i'm alarmed and then i get it.
of course.
the fish have learnt to fly.
relieved, the others... my friends... they all nod in agreement.

--------

Oh Dear Me.

fingers are turning a light blue
and heart pale yellow

Dearest Winter,
I'm glad you're here. It gives us all something concrete to complain about.

Dearest Happy-Person,
The air of joy around you infects everyone within a 5 mile radius.

Dearest Crappy-Things-in-the-World,
The consistency is appreciated for the virtue that consistency is, nothing more or less.

Dearest Guardians-of-Morality,
Its time you glance into a mirror. Chances of provoking narcissism are few. Trust you me.

Dearest Knife-in-the-Back,
It hurt at first but now am getting used to the sting.

Dearest 'Louuu',
dearest dearest lou. haha.

Dearest Laughter,
You have very strong arms that pull me outta every pothole i trip into. Keep working out!

Dearest Blogger,
dearest dearest blogger, i louuu you. you give me time to breathe and speak!

Dearest Pink,
You look good with silver and purple, and you make us all look darrrrn good.

Dearest Words,
If life was a teacup and you coffee then you runneth over in mine.

Dearest Common-sense,
i miss you.

eff it all, its just a phase

If life was a golden lab following us around (till it prances away and we die). If a dog was our pulse and its bounding next to us HAPPY our good phase. Then this time, i was jogging and the dog came up behind me (snuck up really, the mutt) and with a joyful leap left muddy footprints on my back (tall dog?).

so i know its icky and i probably should change outta the pink outfit (catering to stereotype here)... the outfit being circumstances... and i know...if i dont change then that mud IS going to dry up. it WILL be harder to clean up. it WILL take more time. and i keep running around the park all muddy anyway.

That, is my life. THIS is a phase.
I should go back to reiki.
I know it'll help.

-i want january to come. i want to study for my exams. i want to not have time to blog 5 times a day.

denied music

i admit. I'm disappointed.

(but my hush-hush blog does say.. that its okay, okay to not have the world fall exactly into place. its okay to feel disappointed just as long as you're able to go beyond that. its all okay. because 'in the long run, we're all dead')

Now, songs i've been dying to download (but which isn't happening anytime soon ...sniffles)

James Morrison- Undiscovered

Ian Dury- One love

Blue Cantrell- Hit em up Style

Dido- Don't believe in love

Michaelson- Be okay

Kate Perry-I Kissed a Girl

Des'Ree- You Gotta Be

Barry Manilow- Cant smile without you

Atomic Kitten- The Tide is High

Sheryl Crow- Love is free

Michael Sweet- All i wanna do (is love you)

Pink- So what

One thing i could NEVER be? a music snob :)

nope, not even if i tried! very hard!

sweet-tooth

Just two more assignments to go. JUST TWO. And and and and, one of which is voluntary.. Relief-time. Now! :D

Now if that wasn't reason enough to celebrate... i actually have a list of reasons for huge-smile-plus-natural-joy-in-abundance

-a- S's surprise birthday party went off AS smoothly as possible considering the umm disconnected bits of people we invited. I mean, mixed crowd. But she loved it, so its the intent and result which matter...not the road blocks. This metaphor is SO over-done-cooked-gnawed upon!

-b- I realized there werent enough reasons to feel crummy about. The thing is, moping about with a long face is okay for a bit... but ultimately we owe ourselves enough to cheer up. Seriously, if ever there's a time to advocate selfishness its when it comes to grabbing happiness. Scrub away all the muck thats littering up the room (metaphorically, kinda- my room is a lil bit of a disaster) and feel clean. positive. uplifted? Yes. Happy.

-c- There's a party coming up... in the past, ive always ended up shying away from the more obvious forms of celebrations.. (like parties) but this time, its not your usual deck-up-look-steaming-hot-to-click-pictures kind. its more laidback and happy-zone . Like minded people and loads of chips. Plus theme (which is WHAT btw?...)..

-d- before i forget.... i finally finally finally found an alternative to the chocolate-sin that i've been craving. Jam doughnut-thingy-sugar-explosion! Jam doughnut OKAY!
sounds simple?...haha. you poor ignorant soul yooh!....imagine a doughnut bun with white sugar sprinkled lightly over it in just the 'right' too-sweet quantity... mashed between the two sugared buns oozes pink jam thats just soft enough to melt in your mouth.. plus, its not one of those weird peanut sized barely-there desserts...its whole and fills you up.... makes the 11 month no-chocolate period seem like no big deal. Okay. i found what i'll be going back to next week too! :)
sigh.... someone once said maths and music are connected. I say poetry and food are. *yum*

Just re-living that jammy-doughnut experience has made me happy enough to prance around....*sighhhhhhhs*.......i think its time i go and enjoy the beautiful world that awaits me. see, LYRICAL. Thankyoohh yum food and incredibly talented chefs who make it. :)
You-Will-Be-Blessed...if you aren't already!

ps- my new official 'status' as per thoughts....i'm lending an ear for the very last time...

*peace*

college. *rolls eyes*

Yeah so apparently when i write something i REALLY believe in...no one 'gets' it. That, my friend, is tragic with a capital T. Make that the biggest 'T' your black marker can scrawl on an A4 size sheet. HUGE 'T'. Oh well life must go on and i must make an exaggerated attempt to follow it. Really now, NOT the way to talk...*smacks own self*

Im in college right now waiting for S to finish printing her assignment... Heart of Darkness....yes, we finally got around to it :)
okie...Tring. Bell.. gotta rush :(...wanna write so much more.
(computer poofed on me back home)..typical.

quick nutshell gist-

S's party actually managed to ..happen. yes and God supported both Shruti and i in the most creepy way... Auto's got free...everyone else got delayed (too)..and yeah just the 'right' amount of people showed up. Thankyouzzzz will be bestowed later(maybe)

okay gotta scoot..funti is eyeing the computer.... i mean...really...look away people!
NOW.... seriously...get a life!

ps-anu desperately wants a mention. she NEEDs one. okay, here you go. *pats head*

I know time won't pause and i won't move.

Eliot Eliot Eliot- You are my Prince and everything else.

How wrong is it, to that, give time? (Title)

a squirrel crawled up on my leg
so deep in thought was i
that it, i barely felt
odd, for so much time had been spent
at age eight, in chasing them
their friends, cousins and foes.
chasing them all on foot, at times alone.

today, so deep was that meditative thought
that it sneaked up on me so
did it too feel, the moments blazing intensity?
i patiently waited for it to flee(to go)
(for a man was 'it', or a woman she?)
but imagine my surprise
when it chose instead, to touch me

its tiny paws, fell light on dark denim
cautious footsteps yet unaware of my presence
Is this what they mean
when we're asked to wait?
for heaven to gently fall at our feet
in a heavily engraved metal plate?

What was its intent? i mused
for when i moved
it too scampered away
and i wondered
what would have happened
had it, the courage to stay.
-----

I guess you would call the above a symbolic poetic free verse attempt. Or 45 minutes alone in the chaupal with music post-eliot class.
Is it a rape of emotions to cut them into little pieces and feed them to uncomprehending beasts?

"I'm inhaling the poems whole with no restraint. Letting them rest on my own self, creating acidic reactions like black petals which refuse to melt into the redness of the raw skin. With Prufrock's indecisiveness i sway."-

Ironically, this has been the most vocal i've ever been in any post. Ever. And yet i won't be shocked if no one ever 'gets' it. Guess you gotta be the writer and no one else to know to know EXACTLY what it all means strung together the way it is.

OMG. Last night started out on a super-great note. I'd been wondering if i should give classes a miss and go watch the VERY FIRST performance of mii dramsoc' stage play. *sigh* yes, the one i could have/was a part of till Oct 1st. So, well... was in two minds. BUT THEN... a text came blinkin outta NOWHERE....declaring (in its electronic 'boing') NO CLASSES AT ALL (for ED people..european drama..ie. what i've opted for. meaning? YIPPEEEE)

Now it was so effin unbelievable that i nearly fell off the bed with pure unadulterated joy! Really!
the team did a FABULOUS job and the only crumpled leaf in this garden was not 'accidently' bumping into DawwwGie. but made up for that by hanging out with omigod-drool-drool-drool-etc person. And of course, THE play. the PLAY. THE PLAY. :)
Lord of the Flies. There, now i can announce it to the (blogger)world! :D
Totally amazing novel by William Golding...shares a nearly-similar theme with the likes of The Descent in movies and Heart of Darkness in Literature. But Goldings work gives goosebumps like nothing else.

Plus the acting of the kids was FAB. when i was busy chewing my nails and thinking about Obama, they grew up into reasonably fine actresses! :) (will NOT use 'actor' for both sexes. will NOT).....they can EMOTE people!!!!!!...EMOTE!....aww. could totally see their hard work.
Its been unbelievably tough letting go of the dramsoc... but today i felt really beautiful inside. all warm and happy cuz they HAVE reached where WE ALL wanted to go. and that feels like... heaven? or is that too much of a Raymond-ad cliche'? :D

Ah just got a text from EEEDEH-boy. He may just start to grow on me if i spend more time with him. Now is that a good thing or bad? (that one can get used to almost anything and anyone...given time and lack of serious revulsion)

oh oh oh oh description of XYZABC- (people should get better names. work brain work).... ohhh so godaaaaamn perfect. :)...S, HaaaaaaaallllLppppP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*now reaaaaaally*

Conscious Conscience

If your voice is loud enough (and pleasant enough to the ear) then chances are you're gonna qualify for the street play dramatics team in college. But what about the overtly hyper LOUD annoying conscience that literally takes over when you think of a not-so-nice thought???...

In order to ensure i DONT start (or finish) my Rhinoceros assignment i've been talking on the phone, staring at the sky, discussing law as a career, ruminating on Obama and what i really know about him, wondering if a cow will ever chew ...okay anyway, i've also been surfing online and i landed up on a blog. well, here is the thing...i normally consider myself to be someone who is interested in pretty much everything...salsa sauce, skipping, teenage angst, 10 ways to spell 'hypocrisy' etc... but here was a blog... that was staring right at me. It was about economics.

*let there be silence*

well, not just the interesting lets-make-sense economics but words that leapt up with mini swords and massacred the tiny shreds of interest-cells i had buzzing around (who were already dyin to escape via the drain pipe)...please note i HAD economics in 12th so am not completely ignorant of the basics. But this one, just killed me. total and complete annihilation of love for writing like that. Maybe you'll say writing is an art even if people choose to be mind-numbingly boring (or maybe you wont)... and to that i'll say. *sticks out tongue*. yes, thats my workplace suitable.. child-safe.. age-appropriate response :) The only reason i'm not linking it or thrusting its (gasp) writing over here is not to spare the readers (you're old enough to see the not-so-pretty side of life) but because my conscience spoke up. LOUDLY. It told me that im not being very nice and my personal notions of 'interesting' should really take a long (well deserved?) hike up the Himalayas with a green backpack strapped to my back. Basically, mums the word.

So thank my super-annoying conscience for being the most articulate thing around since the late 17th century. Now, i realized i've actually been VERY keen on watching Boston Legal. Trivial you might say and again, i wont care. V asked moi to come for Dostana in the evening.. i kinda blew it off... so i could stay in and watch Boston Legal. Basically, Allan Shore. OMG. That sums him up.. or do you reaaaally want me to go ga-ga here?

Now wading away from the shallow side of the pond, lemme think about ALL the 'boo-tiful' work that awaits me. Why boo-tiful? No reason but i've just been dying to use that word.
Well there is Genet' The Balcony, Walcotts poem, Byrons poem, Ngugi and Mugo' play, Conrads Heart of Darkness and Ionesco' Rhinoceros. Basic bad-ass week assignments. Darneet. I should really finish up some today. :( managed to wriggle out Ibsen' Ghosts last night, was tough but made it :D not too proud of it though. A good assignment is like a happy sleepy baby.... initially its cryin for attention.. but once you bounce around with it... nurture it et al... (drug it?) a GOOD assignment is like a napping baby then. quiet and you feel a sense of accomplishment once its not wailing in your ears. An average one isnt like a baby at all.. its more like... if-its-4am-and-im-still-not-satisfied then i dont really give a damn. Oh screw the baby parallel. A good assignment makes me feel happy and worthy... an average one feels like ive stepped on some cow dung in my best shoes.

Ah. life as a kid studying literature. Blessed beaaaaaautiful and joyful. (please get the sarcasm. please)... so yes my dear MCP of a friend A, Eng(Hons) is about 'reading novels'.
If i respond with a much warranted 'up yours', will my conscience still hate me?

Swazii

friends are not people who agree with everything that you do.. nor are they people you simply confide in... you dont have to share every detail of your (in)significant life with them.... (if you are, then that cuts down on the time you have to actually LIVE life)... they're people you grow with.. who you help grow too. Not just in years... but grey cells if you're lucky! :0

sometimes they beg you to let something go..and you disagree.. stubbornly (sometimes, secretly..) a teeny bit guilt stricken you turn your back on sense and march right into disaster... waltz into mayhem?....jump into a murky pool?... slip into a dress that barely fits! ah. yes, a female-oriented odd metaphor.... i tell you, we do the foolish deed with eyes WIDE open (and specks firmly held in place)... but the sellotape holding the frame together is that same friendly advice without which the world may seem... may seem lopsided. I cant speak for the rest of the world who refuses to tell me its life story... but as things have turned out... my friends. real friends have always (always) known where to say 'no'. Unfortunately i havent always known when to agree. hey, im human...im allowed a mistake (or two) :D

there are people who you treasure..
there are people who you are happier for when something truly exceptional happens for them... and then there are moments when you both howl together because you dont know why you hurt each other and somehow, dont know any other way to feel 'better'. Better, What a wonderful word that encapsulates a HUGE sense of relief.

The same relief that a friend can give you just by telling you the truth when you need to hear it. Swazii Sezz this is for yooh
my best-est friend and (TOTALLY) harshest critic. Someone i should not turn to when my eyes well up with unwarranted tears *i dont get the sympathy hug*... but when i really need someone (and some sense knocked into me) guess who wins my vote? *HUG*

Now for the bullet points that are bursting to be articulated suddenly!

-On 26th Oct 2008, in Kanpur i scribbled something hastily on a paper napkin as it occurred to me... which went something like... the difference between dreams and reality is what leads to all the unhappiness in the world. Simple enough, i know but it got to me as i sat in some random eating-joint looking around and wondering why i wasnt completely ecstatic bout life as it stood in front of me painted in hues of pink-purple-grey. An odd thing to think perhaps considering i was in a position of extreme liberation and utter freedom....... but still, there you have it. the human bloody mind.

-Today i was reading something S had written in namita's class (she was feelin creative today. sheesh, why dont i have such days?...why do mine sneak up on me mid-writing?)... and i realized she was evolving as a writer... not just changing but improving... in an obvious way. But i dont see a change in my work... from three years ago, most definitely (i always wonder how parents instill faith in the kid when they sprout the worlds worst crap...my first few paintings and literary attempts werent exactly inspiring...but they always found ways to help me feel good about them... parents are FABULOUS)... coming back to S... her work reflects her essence best. abstract in a lovely way.

-I need to see Dostana, no not in the i-need-to-go-to-the-dentist way but more like.. i wanna ...*childish tantrum*.. jeez im totally tryin for that film appreciation course once third year exams are over! so totally... my real break!

Ps-met Gordimer and made her sign My Sons Story.. wasnt as big as a high as expected. tsk. what IS it with expectations?.. why do they still slink up outta nowhere??...
These questions, when will they be answered in black and white?
*want peace*...*demand peace*...*get peace*
:)

You know and so do I

You know there are too many people in the house when you step on the welcome mat to dust your shoes and.... a billion particles of crap rise up chattering excitedly.. because of a million people having done the exact same thing 10 minutes before you.

You guess its time to exercise when your jogging tracks begin to grow moss on them. (and sprout a flower or two from the pockets)

You assume that its a phase when you feel like kicking away your cellphone and not talking to a person whose call you used to once wait for.

You know that words like 'theres always a silver lining' pop out of peoples mouth when the worst is yet to come, and they know it.

You guess meeting the author of a book in your course would be the highlight of your day and not a moment when you wanna doze off...(guesses can also be wrong)

You assume that when you have nothing to talk about, conversation will run out in a few minutes- so why doesnt it?

You know you should feel young...happy...lively at twenty. You know a hell lot of things...guess some more... assume nearly all. And then, reality bites all these preconceived notions in the bum.

:)

"Busy"

There comes a phase in every (every) girls life when she just wants to switch off her phone and allow calls/texts to pile up (in network space or wherever they go to 'wait')..14 to 40 hours later...casually switch it on... spend 20 mins reading the lamest of messages (no, no forwards, luckily my friends have outgrown that)... and then simply refuse to reply to them. sans guilt. wow. ah, the freedom to border on obviously rude- how i crave you.

For the last few days answering the phone has become a major chore of sorts. i look down at the screen, sigh and then answer. if only being human and moody was more acceptable. i guess it is but just not by everyone. Speaking of which (everyone) we had one of our rare lectures today.
Normally, NORMALLY most of our teachers would prefer to strip naked, cover themselves with ant-attracting syrup and jump into a 50 meter deep pit...rather than miss a lecture with the class. Very sincere i know and its much appreciated right about 3 days before the exam when we miraculously remember class discussions. However, that being said, most of us cheer LOUDLY when classes are cancelled. The 'Sons and Lovers' lectures are a pretty rare occurance, primarily cuz the teacher in question drfits in to class.. reads random excerpts... provokes a discussion which is bound to have an ambiguous end... and then strolls out after 35 mins (10-15 mins before the bell rings)... this is a RARE teacher... but also how college professors are SUPPOSED to behave (it was a myth fed to us in our pram hopping years)

Anyway, it was her assignment that was the first no-critics-our-opinion one in three years of college life.... and i loved it. Today we ended up having the longest discussion about who was really to blame for Paul and Miriam' break up. Frankly, the final thought remained that though Paul' mother did not like Miriam etc, ultimately we all make our choices... we cannot keep blaming our parents/friends for the decisions we make.. thats what growing up is about. accepting responsibility for the choices you make.
the choice to talk or stay mum, to act or wait to react, to think more or blindly follow faith..
to give it ONE last try or be sensible and turn our back to the barely-breathing past and move on to a fresh and perhaps more joyful future. All choices and the most sensible ones are not the most often picked when it comes to acting on them.. odd, but thats humans for you- twisted.

S, Sw and i hung out for our official 'picnic' today, and the talked to turned to sins (i-dont-know-how) ...and which one WE would commit if assured of no guilt- no karmic backlash- AND no one would EVER find out (except those we wish to tell)..... I wont tell you what S and i said but hell, we're evil enough. Sw (aww) is still rummaging up the darkest thing she can bring herself to do. *mwahahaha*... its okay Sw, we need good people like you to balance the rest of us :)
(Ps- though the dictionary believes otherwise, we have drawn clear distinctions b/w a person who indulges in 'bitchy' talk and someone who IS innately a 'beeetch'... you have to be a girl to figure it out...:D)

Yea yea, I'm here.
and no, its really me.. i'm not paying someone with double-chocolate oreo cookies to write for me... (good idea though)

This is going to be random... like those awful syrup packets they give with Diet Chips.. Really, thats their name. Identified solely as the products which will lead to less calories you need to burn off. Hence, desired.. purchased... munched on... (winced because of)... and then munched some more on. Ahem. My life 6 months ago. Now, its Kurkure. (i DID warn you about this posts 'random' status)

Speaking of which, i chose to ignore a friends clear (sensible) advice... She didnt even need to verbalise it, her hums-and-haws gave it all away. And okay, she was right as i knew she would be.

My point is, why do we jump into the mud with our eyes wide open.. and then complain when our clothes get dirty?!?... it felt like a question AND exclamation moment.. very rare i know.
Oh, if only we knew where to draw the line.. and not want to erase it after every few months.
There has GOT to be something good about being indecisive right? More choices?
Argh.

Ps- major chocolate cravings... now that the one-year-break-from-chocolate is coming to a crawling-ish end... it seems that the temptations out to get me. Just a couple of weeks left... and i'm acting like a lost puppy when people munch on (creamy... yummy... oh-so-delicious)bars of chocolate around me. I-need-a-distraction. Toffee?

To whom i owe enough.

When i was still a 'performing-member' of my dramsoc, this was something i had written for my character. Its partly inspired by what may have been Begum Jaans thoughts in 'Lihaf' (by Ismat Chughtai)... At least my interpretation of the situation as it was.

Scene- A couple is dancing together

She Thinks "What is love? Is it the first glance you cast on me? The moment i knew i simply had to be yours. Hoping to one day feel your slender fingers brushing away stray hair from my face. Is it the warmth of your breath at night that i treasure so deeply? Sometimes, when you're asleep i tell myself that you're dreaming of me. That's why that smile crosses your face, right? I thought marriage would be the perfect union of bodies and souls. A pretty picture that grows only more beautiful with time. Each wrinkle adding grace to every passing year, and now the fairy tale has come true. I can hold you, claim your love. Display my devotion. But to what? A cold statue who performs his duties? Gives mechanical responses to my wails for attention. I can't leave you because i love you but why can't YOU end it? Must we dance this miserable waltz day in and out? I guess you don't see that your indifference hurts more than blatant rejection. But i love you still. So, what is love?"

(context- Trapped in a marriage with a homosexual man who she is in love with.)

I didnt really want to put this out into the vicious world.. frankly its far too precious to me. But this is my final act of vulnerability. With this, i finally say goodbye. I do not know if i will feel the urge to come back and continue my garbled version of life as i see it, here. I do not know if i will find some other way to 'vent it out'. But i DO know that this IS an end of sorts. There are very few moments when you are aware that things are changing at the exact moment that they are. Consider this my anagnorisis. Yes, after a long wait i've finally found one word to describe a vivid feeling, to the dot.

The beauty of the English language is remarkable.

Missed-conceptions

Been working. after what seems like years, finally. worked. No details. Not now anyway.
Worked on college work. Worked on DU newspaper. Worked. Worked till my eyes got red and fingers tired. Read till every bit of me was aching for a pillow to rest my head. Thought till my grey cells went on an indefinite strike. Dialled numbers, one after the other. Texted. Called. Missed Called. Punched in Digits. Working all the time. Venting out the steam bit by bit... one alphabet at a time.

The world isn't dismal. It cant possibly be, not with the awesome things that are happening in Sh's life. Its miraculous events shaping up right in front of our eyes. They've been conceived and are now coming out.. in all the gross child-birth imagery. The music is resounding in my ears. Some sounds are familar, others not. I am so not in the mood to watch that play tomorrow. I've been waiting for it all week, for multiple reasons. But now, im tired (predictably so) and dont want to care. Actually, do not care. All i feel is the music and the discomfort in my fingers as i point-blank refuse to give them a rest.

Finally some hardcore punjabi music. Yes. Fina-effing-lly. and no more need to think. Music does that, esp Punjabi music. Headbang time? Yes, we dont just head-bang to metal. Its Delhi. :)

Whoops. Song changed...'everybodies making love cause love is free...'
how bloody ironic is that?... haha? okay God, i promise to laugh . Maybe later, :)
(see Sh, im smiling and i wanna know, its just because of you... really. Thankyou)

OMG. "Begging you for mercy....".... Its time to slip on those dancing socks (umm, its kinda chilly) The Radio is haunted by my soul-ghost. How do you know which song to play? How? Are you peekin into my essence and cross-examining it for what it needs to hear? Even lyrics ive just been introduced to... are dancing on all the right chords. Making their presence felt... under my skin. Under the thinnest layer and flowing (in a medically improbable fashion) around. Wonderful. Time- 1.51 AM is the most amazing moment of every day, external stimuli wise. Ohmigod. Life is so inexplicable. Bloody insane ride.
i-am-going-to-make-it-all-work
ps-finally got my marks for that opinion based answer that i was once going ga-ga over. Validated. My opinion matters. Period. :) (for a tired, torn and exhausted person i'm quite chirpy... feel blessed. )

rum business

I had a super awesome concept all mapped out in my head. it had to be a pseudo-battle between what-i-think-im-like and what-i-want-to-convince-others-about-my-own-perception-bout-self (messy i know, you dont have to 'get' it) ..add to the murk another dollop of what-i-currently-think-i-would-like-HIM-to-think-of-me-as....

very twisted i know, probably i'll need about 40 years of therapy if i try and unravel exactly why i was intent on articulating that. Hmmpf. SO i wont try. See, i win.

but i got the whole 'the vision we have of ourselves is inaccurate' bit right. and then i went all loopy. became too personal and *chokes* personal. plus, not fun. just seemed like i was repeating what OTHER people had told me about me. how self-involved IS that?
you know, the usual bull crap like.. rosy pink+smart+worth more(wrt crushes)... yeah and the positive element. Meet bundle of joy that is me. Yehp right. They obviously have NOT been introduced to the crummy-cynical me that pops up every once in a while.
Actually, oddly enough they have but still stick like superglue to the ridiculous notion that i dont have a dark side. and this is not me fishing for 'Aww how adorable'. This is me clarifyin... where there is light then darkness is inevitable (at the most basic philosophical level)

i would like to be a lil mysterious-super-hero(ine) kinda hard-to-see-through person. Unfortunately as circumstances are... my cheeks and nose seem to spell out my life history for any innocent bystander to be subjected to. Plus my mouth has an annoying habit of giving-away every lil thing i wanna keep and hug to myself. Lack of self control. Tsk tsk.
No, i really dont do the 'blonde' bit and tell EACH bystander my 20 years of experience... but somehow, if anyone (with half a lousy brain) DOES bother to hang around and be chummy... they end up calculating how many chips im gonna grab before i buy the packet. OKay, again not SO bad but getting there fast. or maybe im hangin out with smart-er people these days. *gasp no!* :(

Anyway, as usual i seem to have rambled on for no good reason. im kind of happy that im now moving on from certain dead-end areas that have been lurking around the recesses of my mind for months now...they've eaten up MOST of my balance while examining them with S... and i've come to an almost unconscious decision in the most lovely gradual-edging-out way. and it doesnt even need will power. im a car running on automatic now. letting the path guide me, not with markers, but with the way the road curves. horribly fatalistic. But im afraid party number 2-3-4-5 (...) is going to get a little hurt. :( sorry but i hope your path is not too scratchy cuz of my screeching off it. i suggest you try and forgive me, cuz really.. im just trying to do my own thing without stepping on too many toes. Really.

and this applies to absolutely everyone in the universe....(even grey eyed aliens with vine-green arms)... try and emit a warning hum before exiting someone elses space, cuz when you leave with a WHOOSH then it leaves a vacuum, and no one likes to feel that empty (yes, the car metaphor just got translated to a wind/air thing).. people like solitude...yes (raises hand) but normally..normally when its self-imposed and you have the option of kicking open your door and letting people back in.
oh shut me up someone, i cant believe im still talking.
college tomorrow. hurrah?

meh .me. i

do you know how effin unfair it is to be awake at 3 am in your friends house with nothing to do???..... when BOTH your friends have dropped off to sleep... (post ahem dinner and drinks)...
so. what have i learnt today?...a lot actually but i dont feel like really sharing most of it.
primarily... i dont get high. correction..some innate reflexive thing stops me from getting too high or losing control. phobia? while other people are comfortable enough to flop around madly..i get to be party pooper...:(
what IS it with me and responsibility??....why do i always tug at its sleeves and it at mine?
but at least i danced like CRAZY. that was F-U-N.
i have so much to say and so little reason to put it into words over here.
feel like this space too has been invaded by nameless beings who make it hard-er for me to articulate what i once used to find easy. grr.
im gonna do something really soon. like maybe catch a yellow fish with a sky-blue net and then put it in my pocket. or maybe ill just keep writing more crap till sleep grabs on to my (borrowed) pjs and drags me to the bed. (ah. high hopes. i feel chirpy... wtf..its 3.14 am now)
today, blah-ly speaking, we played cards... talked... danced etc. .... the thing is...
i still feel like im playing dress-up in my elder sisters clothes with HER friends...
it doesnt seem anything like me.
been having the oddest urge to go and shake someone awake.... and say... TALK....TALK to me.
lets discuss the stars, moon, sun, pond-life, computer glitches, fashion, movies ANYTHING. but lets talk. dont leave me alone to mull over the movie 'cube'. i saw it right now. at around 1 am. (they packed off to bed at 12.45)...and i dont know what to think about it. i feel like Talking people... how hard is it to converse?...and the only person i called up (at 12.49) was fast asleep. bummer. :(
this is SO stream-of-consciousness. conrad will be proud. maybe pat me on the back and then run after my doggie. i miss my doggie's. (plural, please note). i wanna bury my face into them and nearly-strangle em with mii louuuv. gross right? but thats how much i want someone to be awake. *sigh*
i wonder when ill get bored of typing. wonder. wonder. wonder.
not anytime soon i think.
my cellphone is so dead. i never knew staying up would be so lame. where are the effin owls anyway?...hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo (owl call/hoot)
oh blah. if only wit flowed like wine. and wine was as cheap as water. and water was as clean as could be.
what heavenly times we live in. my eyes are finally goin a lil red (i think)
im gonna go cuddle up to buddies.
night-y night.
may you all get to stay up till 3.23 am and watch 'cube' alone.
(i will not dish up a review)