Speechless

What exactly is so seductive about power?

Alan Shore.

Need I say more?

;-)

Intertwining

It isn't that I haven't been writing. Its that I've been writing and deleting because nothing seems to 'fit'.

I mean how Long can i ramble on about blue nail paint?

about

my lovely doggies

another trip to Gujarat (ahmedabad, with family no less)

confusion wrt studies

indecision wrt career

astrological predictions (and faintness)

love (and sometimes lack thereof)

tanning (and not so much)

stereotyping

objectification

patriarchy

feminism

politics(?) ...(politics of representation)

anger

hurt

hope

spirituality (*beams*)

ashram visits (:D:D:D)

the divine love

okay, barring the last three which i am Obviously not done dealing with ... everything else is so... blah.

not mediocre.

but 'done'

its been said, written, thought, analyzed by tons of people.

tons of people

tens of thousands of people

and twice, by me. (read the whole blog. it gets repetitive)

So what this about anymore?

Post vow of not-needing-appreciation-from-the-material-world, what does this blog stand for?

Am i still decrypting my very blah surroundings?

analyzing my musty old mind?

ISNT THIS SUPPOSED TO GET OVER NOW?

i saw Julie and Julia, fantastic movie.

that apart, it had a woman writing a blog about her attempts at cooking X number of dishes from Y book within One year.

The year got over and she Stopped.

Target set. Accomplished. then Period. The End. 

based on a true story btw, watch it.

Point is, what if a blog is more than One aspect of your life.

What if its the story of hiccups and unstable growth.

What if its murky and sunshine-filled.

What if its honest and yet, hides Lots :D

What if the readers change, all the time.

What if, like the cliche goes, the only thing constant is inconsistency? 

What then?

What if my road, my path... goes winding on.......

and the destination?

What if the destination is a speck on the horizon and i've forgotten my superpowers-backpack?

What if i don't know how to run the marathon but time has told me i have to.

Im not a bundle of contradictions.

There isn't a fancy term to describe me.

Im not made of unusual metals.

Im a seeker.

I seek because i want to learn, i want to know, i want to confirm.

Im a seeker because this voice in my head tells me... i wont reach the horizon by simply walking. I'll need to pick out the signs, know what im looking for. 

Someone deep inside knows, its my time to seek.

and Voila, the blogs have merged :D 

dum da da dum

You know what I dislike the most, still?

Something that hasn't changed since I was 14. Rather, my idea of it hasn't changed ever since I can remember experiencing it.

Namely, negativity.

Yeahbabay. Disguise it in any way you please, but it still comes down as one thing I will not hold on to nor will I keep near me. Period.

Ohyeah.

So So So much left to do.

-collecting 1st month grant. PARTY.

-talking to mentor. YAY.

-tutoring. haha.

-isssh-studying.

-making crafts project, shush. secret.

-buying monopoly. YAY.

-meeting xa (FINALLY)

-watching 2012.

-catching up with b after tutoring.

lalalalalalalalalalala.... what a wooooonderful world :)

*background music swells up*

baubles

Just like there isn't any One problem to haunt all of our days.

There also isn't One solution to convert our troubles into wisps of ether.

You know what I miss?

I miss knowing with certainty that 

things are as they appear, 

people do what they say they will and

that some feelings are never outgrown.

I want so much more than soup and a good book now. Now, that is scary.

The call of maya, but in a different way.

All my love.

Me likey MEeeee-Taaimeeee

Read a bit of Joseph Andrews.

Heard a wee bit of music.

Watched some TV.

Zipped through 2 movies (yes, different from TV)

Played a lot of Farmville.

Spoke on the phone.

Texted.

L.A.Z.E.D

Lay on my back and just 'was'.

Today was good, as days go.

:)

PSST- Started neeeeew blog, The Seeker

Feel free to check it out in a few days.

mucho love 

"xxxx"

(apparently this is okay-ed by the human censor for appropriate social interaction.)

My eyes ache

Back hurts

and I'm waiting for a miracle.

What intense moment am i supposed to 'grow up' by the way?

Because I've been here a while and all i see are my toe nails... growing.

*sigh*

A Tale of (Mis)Conception(s)

A feminist isn't someone who refuses to wear bras.
A feminist isn't a man hater.
A feminist does not believe waxing is a sin.
A feminist does not attack domestic life.
A feminist isn't aggressive/violent or a risk taker.
A feminist will not drive alone at 2 am to prove a point of 'independence'.
A feminist does not believe 'If a man can do it, I can do it better'.
A feminist does not compete with men.
A feminist doesn't have to be a female.

A feminist is a person who believes that each sex is born equal and what is owed to each sex, is the courtesy of equal respect.

I am a feminist and I'm not ashamed to be one.

Saying Grace

If you let it, Google can be your therapist/doctor/tutor and more.

What I'm personally intrigued by is the sheer NUMBER of people who have the same Issue.

What's more fascinating?

Its the emotional aspect that resounds in a million people all over the globe. Personal dilemmas strung into uncannily similar sentences.

I wonder how they each overcome it (do they?)

Do they lie? (in anonymous question-answer forums?)

I wonder if they laugh about it 'later' (is there a 'later'?)

What makes one connect so completely to one thin slice of a random strangers life?

A hand picked version of reality up for display.

A biased taste.

A representation swung wildly about by moods.

Is it out of this, that art is born?

Rising from the muck like the quintessential cinderella-lotus?

The unfortunate giving birth to the beautiful?

An ache soothing the pain of others?

Nearly four years into 'academics' and the questions gets prettier..

while the answers simmer just out of sight.

May God Bless Us All Everyone.

ice-cream. you-scream.

The thing is, in life... relationships get complicated.

They can never be shaped smoothly to fit a plastic cup.

No little white spoon exists to mould that particular blob of chocolate ice-cream into a less bumpy surface.

Each life creates its own web.

Some webs we're born into. Some prejudices in the midst of which we grow up. And others, others we own... invent... welcome into our own life.

Each relation, never just one single emotion.

Its our opinion, expectation and experience tightly tangled together.

So messy, we can't begin to take it apart.

So what is the 'cure' for all these overlapping melodies?

The bhajan with beethoven with just a hint of ginger.

At what string do we tug?

To unravel it fastest?

With the least possible harm?

and when life is a bunch of strings pulled apart.

what do we do next?

knit another garment?

Only, now.. knowingly? Are we prepared even?

Can someone ask for an answer if the question is ill formed?

Live Wires.

Live bouncing unpredictable wires.

Held in place, just long enough to believe the illusion.

Academically, today was a good day

-Got something i wanted, so now 6 months of recognized research. YAY!

-Bunked the last 3 classes to celebrate aforementioned

-Had a sweet lime soda+one paneer shawarma+some chilly potatoes+2 onion rings

(wasn't a good day for the diet...)

-Attended a surprisingly good poetry reading seminar

-Submitted my work for the wall magazine *grin*

So all-in-all, a decent day.

Now, tomorrow is a test on Webster and I...

I am going to dig into the october issue of Cosmo.

Every girl has her weak moments.

:)

ps- got to start my 'serious' writing soon.

that and 'serious' reading.

plus, Masters oriented 'serious' writing.

but for now, back to the glossy :P

gurgling

This moment right here is absolutely right. 'Right'.

There's warm water slowly filling up the pink bucket.

A straw basket sitting still next to my left leg.

8.02 am by the clock and the day stretches out lazily in front of me.

Strains of an old melody filter through my rooms bolted doors.

All in all, this moment is just 'right' because ... some things don't need to be spelt out.

B-LUE B-LUE B-LUE

I would love to say

'Trash' has now been redefined as 'Blue' (the movie)

and leave it at that

But then how would you appreciate the Extent to which the movie stinks?

Good Points-

Lara Dutta looks seriously hot. (and isn't afraid to hide anything)

Sanjay Dutt should get an epiphany after watching his own performance. Ie. take the grandpapa roles from now on... no romancing bikini clad young lasses.

The underwater scenes.

'Wish you hadn't gone for the movie' Points-

Trashy script (weak)

Trashy dialogues (too 80's)

Senseless 'action' (waste of resources)

Terrible camerawork (i blame the director)

Unnecessary songs (to pacify T-series?)

Meaningless motives (of EVERY character)

Indecisive ending (Booooooo. Anti-Climatic)

THE BIGGEST CRIME?

The hint that there might be 'Blue Two'

Rating

* (yes, out of 5)

Piping hot etc.

It must have been last saturday, exactly a week ago when i demanded a 'steamy' woman-thought centric movie from the world. Voila and my prayer(rather rant) is answered.

Original Sin.

Okay now don't roll your eyes at me and say you saw it in the 90's.

Stop that yawning right Now!

I'm 21 okay.

So excuse me if i wasn't exposed to explicitly adult content at an impressionable age.

Watching Miss Congeniality in the theatre was a highly contested issue at one point.(it having an A tag)

Regardless, tonight was an answer of sorts.

But though it fulfilled the 'steamy' tag and offered a peak into the twisted-psychology of the woman (Jolie. Oh complex bestower to all women)... It isn't exactly ... novel, is it?

Self-deprecating schizophrenic. 

Personality A- Defined by sexuality and earns from it

Personality B- presumably the 'real' one with marginally more sympathy and humanity(whatever that implies)

But i have a sneaking suspicion, most pre-adolescent boys skipped the story to the 'scene'.

Oh the 'scene' i thought was played by a body double.

Silly silly me.

Was this before her excessive fame and hero worship?

It would be hard to imagine an Indian actress Openly agreeing to a sex scene.

Considering most are still attempting virginal simpers Way after marriage.

Moving on from societal pressures and conformers... It was a good movie.

Extremely depressing mid-way but i'm a sucker for happy endings.

At least one where the totally 'black' character dies and the lovers...

remain that :|

what is with that smiley anyway-----> ':|'

It means absolutely nothing.

Probably better not to exert ones fingers to attempt its production.

Its 2.04 am and i am rambling.

Hello Diwali/Deepwali.

I'm yawning now.

Its been a long lazy day.

And i want a lullaby, preferably someone to tuck me into bed too.

Yes. I still maintain I'm 21. 

I-am-So-independent.

*hunts for 24 year old teddy*

(so much for) the diet

Supreme hogging has ensued.

I tell myself its 'diwali' (nearly at least)

sadly the hogging isn't the indian-sweet kind even...

its dark chocolate.

all the time.

arrrrrgh.

spare me the lecture?

my conscience is on a roll as i type.

sigh.

breakouts.

IM NOT EVEN A TEEN ANYMORE!

*divine justice please?*

Ps- Found Middlemarch, someone had shoved it off to the library

Yes, i have a super-cool life.

now drool.

speaking of which...

My BCL books are WAY overdue.

Bye-bye-moooooney!

and and and Happy Choti Diwali all :)

esp you awesome peee-pal, you know who you are! :-*

Of Dieting and Abstaining

Refused alcohol for steaming hot home-made soup.

Applause demanded on many levels

a) Refused alcohol

b) Refused calories

c) Refused artificial intoxicant for HEALTHY alternative

d) Stuck to my guns i.e. (insane)diet plan.. (if you forget the two spring rolls)

e) This was after crazy dancing and in spite of severe hunger pangs

f) Its nearly Diwali, and Everyone over-indulges this time of the year!

Plus, stopped B from smoking. *pats self on the back*

Good day for will power. 

Nothing 'junk like' till i have clear skin and a 24, okay 25 inch waist.

I'll settle for being 48 kgs too.

Boooooo Tempt-ers! 

(wasn't it)My life?

Test Tomorrow.

Have four new books to get through (for a one line critical perspective)

Been harvesting 'crops' online.

Started random people-portrait-doodling in class.

Last happened when i was 16 and highly unhappy with life.

Not-a-good-sign.

Doubt phase.

Sigh.

On the bright side. 

Dinner's ready. 

:)

An Orange Orange

Was going through friends' pictures (where else but the pointless networking site i pop into.....daily)... 

and it struck me.

Is looking 'funky' only limited to people who weigh 42 or less kgs?

She had dozens of pictures with her definitely-more-than-42-kgs-friend and she completely overpowered her!

She's quirky and eccentric.

An orange shorts wearer-in-public

A crazy smile bestow-er

A jumping up-and-around person

But would she be any of that if she was heavier?

Does weight really WEIGH one down?

A question to ponder on when im not running late for my first class

(AND im presenting)

tch. bad timing. always!

When did it become 'now'

How did you sneak up October?

Long emails, sleepless nights and salt. Lots and lots of salt.

A headache. Clingy needy headache.

Not cold. not nearly enough rain. That was September.

What will this Monday bring?

Frequently, when things don't appear to have changed.

Really, everything has... 

On that note. Back to MiddleMarch.

Book I, Chapter V.

So far?

Feels like when we think we want something and get it... It might not be the best plan.

I feel scared for Dorothea.

Actually, i feel for her.

And that scares me.

One Long Day=One Long Post

Sometimes i just really like listening to frothy water cascading out of a bucket. Sheer force of the tap et al, wasteful yet perfect. Let me enjoy the tiny 4 second high. Please?

Speaking of more conventional highs, It was one of those birthdays yesterday. Those.

The ones you look back on and wonder how-in-the-world you

a) managed to make it to it

b) managed to stay for SO long

c) didn't collapse after the first six hours

d) didn't get grossed out by your own kaam-chalao attitude (wait, all shall be explained)

So dram-kid-junior has birthday on 23rd. Surprise Party has been organized.

Yours truly has ONE job.

Turn up on time for the 'surrrrprise' cheer.

Yours truly turns up late. Uh. Cough. Cough.

Skating past that and offering 5-mins-to-pick-due-to-aforementioned-delay gift.

Yours truly is escorted STRAIGHT to the bar.

(what do you think i am, a drunkard? i-duly-accepted-whisky-coke. Oookay.)

Many hugs and remonstrations later, cushy seats, good music and some light food.

It was 5.30

I trace my dal into patterns with a mini naan and listen to soon-moving-to-Japan friend

(yes i Have one of those)

Birthday Girls Boy (and organizer of the posh yet comfy set-up) dangles the idea of 'shots' in front of Japan friend and i.

For the sake of convenience, we shall call her Manasi *beams*

Lazy M and i are reluctant to move but too late, we get convinced to move our behinds to another section.

Boy is in panic mode because bar is about to close and we are clearly nowhere near a high enough drunk state. This needs to be taken care of immediately.

Voila.

Vodka.

Too late, too late. Vodka and i don't see eye to eye.

It wants me to feel dizzy.

I fold my hands and frown on such ... lost my train of thought.

See my point? Exactly.

But then i've never taken a 'shot' before and the whole salt+lime routine seems fun.

i take it with the rest of the crew. Yes, i said crew.

Its watery. In fact i suspect it Is water. Where is the high? i wonder blankly.

Enough with 5.45.

Boy soon lures us to the dance floor (we were mere puppets in his hand)

promises this is the 'last' number.

Some friend somewhere giggles hysterically and prances around in stolen heels.

the 'last' number lasts at least an hour.

Fun, plenty.

Of course by now i've discovered where the elusive high went.

Right to my tummy.

Sigh, ACHE.

7 pm and on the phone with Mom.

College is off till the 29th, she thinks it wouldn't be terrible if i stay over at friends'.

Friend has been insisting.

I know it'll come down to the emotional stuff.

Okay i sigh but i need clothes.

Night Clothes.

Pj's, loose shirt and BED i specify firmly.

She agrees, quickly.

I-should-have-seen-it-coming.

One not-so-quick but musical ride back to her place with Journo M and Boy.

Birthday girl is still in shock that boy managed to make her day so beautiful.

Aww? More on that later.

We plonk ourselves on the promised bed and in the mere 27 mins i am in the bathroom (on the phone. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. not really though :)... ) a plan is made to go out from 11-1.

Okay i can live with that.

I'll wear the same clothes.

Really? Yes.

But then i thought we were All doing that.

Not so much.

A plan is made.

Only if birthday girls mom reads this blog, she will be very angry.

AND have her suspicions confirmed.

Sigh. Children...

Oh birthday girl has just recovered from a brief stint in the hospital.

Hence over protectiveness.

We eat a cheese pizza with the family. Her family. (M's and mine doesn't materialize out of nowhere)

I feel sufficiently motivated to go take a bath AND wash my hair.

It may be noted. I don't have any extra clothes. NONE AT ALL.

I am travelling with my wallet and a cell phone. That is it.

No scope for hidden glosses or sudden whiffs of perfume.

Not even a basic black shirt tucked into one corner.

Whatever.

I borrow shampoo, conditioner, wild berry shower gel (yay!), toothpaste and a towel.

I am an easy house guest.

Give or take 40 mins.

I am scrubbed and dripping.

have you ever tried wearing the SAME clothes after a refreshing shower?

Don't do it.

Don't you ever do it.

The clothes are tighter, warmer and hideously claustrophobic.

Yes the same clothes are the Kiss of Death to fun. Or freshness.

M and birthday girl wear pajamas to give it a realistic we-are-going-over-to-a-friends-for-the-night-look.

Waitaminute, who?

Another story.

We walk on over to E's house.

They transform into swans.

I lie on the bed and ache for sleep.

All glossy with 'puffs' created with tiny pins on their heads, they pose for pictures.

I put my own 'puff' in serious jeopardy while lolling about on bed talking on the phone.

I need to not be a spoil sport.

I insist someone capture my repeated attire glory on camera.

M changes back into her afternoon dress.

I feel better.

I make her re-do my 'puff'.

Boy insists it won't suit me.

Puff and piffle to him.

We leave E's place with her older female cousin at 11.45.

Ladies night will be over somewhere in the world we realize.

Lets head to a place thats further away we decide intelligently.

5 girls flow into Sk's (birthday girl) Boys car.

Boy has changed. CLOTHES.

We reach C (club) and flow right out.

E's cousin is from New York i learn.

Ah, there is nothing more i can add to the conversation.

(yet, i later discover)

We meet some easily forgettable people.

E's friends we presume until she is introduced to them by a chap.

Okay. One large group of Sk's friends, Sk's friends friends and Sk's friends friends friends.

I-Am-Not-Making-This-Up.

At least there is no entry fee.

Someone 'knows' someone.

It was inevitable, we practically have the entire world as a part of our 'group'.

We go in and the music is 'techno'.

The easy (probably incorrect) term for anything relying on unfamiliar beats and incoherent words. Wait, thats almost all kind of 'pop' music. Oh right. 'Pop' is familiar :)

We can't possibly dance.

Our bodies no longer move to beats.

We need to unconsciously imitate the moves in the video as a form of self-expression through dance.

Uh-oh. Unintended Insight.

The 'fun' is lost on me.

I'm tired and sleepy and frankly not up to dancing in a crowded place.

This isn't what i signed up for i think.

Im sure more people felt it, they just didn't want to admit it to themselves.

(because that would make their parents right... What is the point Beta?

But i like knowing my parents can make smarter decisions.

Who else is going to figure out my life plan?)

I send boy one last text promising to 'dance anyway'

E's cousin R seems to be in a similar boat.

Forced smile ie.

I sit out a song or two and she leans against the wall to my right.

Soon we're off to the bar to 'explore' in my words. 'drink' in hers.

She buys us bacardi shots.

Revolting Stuff. (i buy us two more after 45 mins)

She insists its chicken feed when converted into dollars.

Unfortunately i can't live with that :(

Something in me rebels at the thought of being a freeloader.

Even in a tiny unintended way.

I need to pay her back.

Odd.

So we talk and she tells me that she's heading xyz (she being older by at least 5 years)

and how indian bartenders love american accents.

I guess i automatically put on an interested expression while my mind shrieked 'neo-colonized discriminating bartenders'.

Sk and M noticed i had gone missing and came hunting for me.

If R had been a boy and we'd had the Exact same conversation, people would think we were flirting. The prejudice of the world is cruel.

Where is the scope for spontaneous conversations in todays society? i ask you.

Excited over my first bacardi shot ever and my second shot today, i dance wildly for a bit.

R walks out after 20 mins and i keep up the wild dancing.

(to give you a time frame of wild dancing)

I find a table outside in the less-loud portion of the world.

Apparently i remind R of herself hence she must buy me another shot.

When she was younger, she craved random shots purchased?

But i get my 500 buck note to the bartender first and get my dignity back.

Only a flicker of sadness accompanies the departure of the yellow-green note.

But with renewed enthusiasm i down my shot.

and offer another to M (at my side)

R gets a freebie from a friendly bartender. Interesting.

It works then? Should i cultivate an accent as an experiment? Or, just tag along with her? :)

Another shot works its magic.

I feel absolutely sleepy and nothing will change my mind.

I slump into a sofa chair and close my eyes.

Panic. E thinks ive fainted.

I gently calm her down.

All is well.

Just a long day and 2.10 in the morning don't agree with me.

2.3o we leave (i have a 5 min bout of dancing in the middle, nowhere near enough to burn off 1/5ths of the calories inhaled)

There is macaroni at home and people leave E's bed at 3.

3.10 and one chocolate biscuit later, M and i go upstairs to sleep.

The Birthday Party is over.

Hello. About bloody time right?

Ps- If any of you made it to the End of the post. Congratulations.

And just so you know, this is the Edited version :D

*beams*

L is for the way you Look At Me....

There are so many colours around. Its impossible not to fall idiotically in love with life.
Yes. there is sadness, grief, despair, disease, expectations unmet...
But there is also. Happiness. Colour. Joy. Love. Hope. Faith.

There are pink orange clouds SOMEWHERE in the world.
Crystal clear waters with pebbles glinting in the sun.
Salty sea with a green shade.
Lush mountains and soft morning dew.
Twinkling stars peeking out from the nearly blue-black midnight sky.
The touch of someone who cares.
The voice of love when you're miserable.
People to mentor you through lifes struggles.
Rain to stare at through wire-mesh windows.
Cages to help you appreciate one fresh breath.
Problems to resolve, so You feel good.

Somwhere, fog is knocking on someones doorstep.
Someone is penning down their soul.
Someone out there, right this moment, feels free.
Someone out there is crying, because the beauty of the world is overwhelming.
Love.Live.Learn.

To my dearest friend who inspired this. Swati.
You wrote that we can live without 'it'.
Love is something we shouldn't even attempt to live without.
But thats just my opinion :)

Love you.

.

There are some things we know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Yet say them, we never will.

Why?

Shush, don't scare the interest away!

I have this light hammering of a headache. (no not quite pounding... yet)

R is talking about intellectual independence i.e. opinion based analysis

Tyranny at an intellectual level.

Collective wisdom must be deferred to (he thunders)

Sometimes we need to shake off the need for every answer

Sometimes we need to answer our own questions

Every question need not even be verbalized

Thoughts are disconnected

There is a fissure, a break, a gap, a dark breach

A single meter stretching out kilometers ahead, or so it seems

I need to map your distance. I need to know my step.

I need to know how long before i falter and fall.

The plunging darkness and the peaceful thud. Right.

The violence of the last gasp for breath.

The impulsive need to live.

The reflexive need for a second more of life.

Oh and unlike Faust i need not beg for mercy.

Not retribution of faults i fear.

One wants only...  joy and undisturbed peace

Thank you Wordsworth for giving me words enough, to echo my need

-------

Pen-to-paper mid R's lecture.

The headache never went away, for those who might be curious

but i did get my answer that same evening.

And one mossy path to that elusive 'joy and undisturbed peace'

Now only the leisure to proceed is awaited.

Must-Make-Time.

Written- 12th September '09

 

Dove-Coo

I wonder

Is it annoying to be around happy people?

Do raindrops really make everyone smile?

Is chocolate better or a smoke?

I guess

Happiness can be infectious :)

Rain can poke out a giggle 

Chocolate is way better, especially if you don't smoke 

Some nights are just plain ol' magical.

They're the warm moments time shouldn't bother trying to erase.

Donne believed the domain of love to be beyond the reach 

of the commonplace. 

With my love for Donne, I-rest-my-case.

Masala :)

Today has been a day worth mentioning.
If (when) i pass on to the heavenly abode and attain moksha, i would like the world in general to remember me by this day.
A not-so-lazy day of highs, lows, optimism, wonder, a little bit of vanity and of course revelations :)

a) my tonsils have (presumably) shrunk to their normal size
b) a couple of cell recharges actually did what they claimed (more on that later)
c) i was witness to my very first public-spectacle-lovers-quarrel

oh YAY :D
i am not exaggerating my enthusiasm, just in case some of you consider this a mocking cynical(haha) take on the current deteriorating spirit of the youth.... or something like that.

I gawked.
I gasped.
I craned my neck.
And boy, i wanted MORE!!!

There was bag slinging!
There was stalking off!
There was heavy-tone yelling!
There was a posh Delhi market and a not so posh crowd
and There i stood. Waiting for the rain to simmer to a drizzle before i risked (further)damage to my precious cell phone.

I wonder what the fight was about.
Unfortunately too far for audio.
Fortunately close enough to note down the visuals.

Protagonist- Angry woman in white
Protagonist II- Sheepish/meek lover(?)

Action-
Woman Yells
Woman Walks Away
Woman Comes Back
Woman Yells some more

Extras- Gawk

Man with rounded shoulders meekly attempts to follow.
Woman Keeps Yelling
Man shrivels up
Woman Throws bag in the wet Mud (gasp. excitement)
Man half heartedly steps forward
Woman Walks Away
Woman turns back, Growls(presumably), and Walks on ahead
Exit woman Stage Right

Man walks over to Bag
Man stares contemplatively at Bag
Bag lies in the dirt
Man picks up Bag
Exit man Stage Left

(uncouth)Extras- High-Five and chortle.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Human Drama. Nothing quite like it!

electri-City!

oh BOOHOO (buckle YOUR shoe)
so i got a bit of a cold
and inflamed tonsils
and yeah, the pain spread to my ears and now head.
BEEEEEH shee(i)eet. (oh hahaha! :D)

Bring on the light and set my soul on fayaaaaah.
i.dont.know.what.that.means.
its.the.medicine.talking.people.
But reaaaaaahhly.
what is the big deal?
so i need to stay mum while people jabber on the phone.
(until my ears complain that is)
and i cant go for birthday lunches. or dinners. or walks even (sooooo weak and all)

Im FINALLY able to maintain (somewhat) the talk-less clause in Buddhism.
I dont consume endless calories (unless you count choco hor-i-likes! which i need on a/c of being all weak and all)
and I was able to go through 47..yeah baby FORTY SEVEN pages of Great Expectations
which having even the smallest semblance of a 'normal' life would cripple me against.

So there you have it
happiness in the world
aching throat and all.
but like i said
big shit (oh did i use funny words to disguise that the first time around? :P)

cut-me-slack-on-verbosity
i am no longer able to chirp effortlessly on the phone!
:)

loveeee yooooh lovaaaah :)
*subtle and all eh?*
:)
And thanks for the zingy-positivity .... muaaaaaaaah. :)

Un-well-ness

Don't they say you have to get through the darkest hour of the night before dawn?

Hello incomprehensible black-ness.

Sitting in the sweltering heat without a fan. Taking cautious sips of once-boiling water, avoiding the curse of a burnt tongue. Ignoring the pangs each time i swallow. Attempting to build some interest in Great Expectations when all i can think of is 'How did i reach this point?'

This pit of depressive negativity?

This feeling that each breath, each second of mere vegetable existence... is pain. And not (just)the mental kind which you can vanquish with a high dose of positive Yogananda Ji and affirmations. My body is probably flooded by a cocktail of anti-biotics and homeopathic on the side. And each person i talk to, is a probable victim of my low croaking (voice has given up).

The good part.. like a friend said... It can only get better from here, right?

Right?

PS- remind me to enlighten the world on the progressivist view of history we're all currently absorbed with...which is not necessarily true or accurate. My one worthy discovery in MA so far :)

Yin Yang Yum(!)

Does it even make sense, for the loudest cracker... to have the most silent end?

Im vaguely toying with the idea of starting a new blog. No, not particularly because of the vast audience demand :)
but more on a completely different note. a different page in the same book?
or maybe even, some sentences you overlooked on the very same page :)

I'm 21 you know. Twenty-One.
This is the age people comment on as the ideal (do they?) mix of youthful optimism (! :D !) and fairly apparent(!) maturity! funny haha. :)
No but really, when i look in the mirror i don't see.... 'just twenty one' anymore
*like i did for 18-20*
i see.... 'twenty one'... and all that goes with it

There have been some surprisingly heart rending moments of .... realization actually.
That no matter how badly i want some things, i shouldnt... i shouldnt because i should know better. And i do.
It causes an odd pang to give up on the bittersweet.
when you're bang in the middle, all you taste is the sour and when you're one step out of the door...all you can remember is the momentary flash of sugar.
You get the picture.

ie. its hard to give up. it always is.

Coming back to the blog. If and when it does see daylight :)
a) it shall be called 'daylight', nice ring to it!
b) it shall be undiluted positivity :)
c) and that it shall spread, hope! :)

so i'll look forward to that, and in the meantime... desperately need to cram up on those books.
Masters has officially Started!! yippeeee yay doodah :)

ps- hope all is well with everyone reading this :)
take care everyone!
God Bless :) .......(for those who believe in the higher power...and for those who don't too!!!) :)

Thought-and-Think

I still need to know more
but just not every-single-thing.

Its not like living with ignorance
more perhaps of filtering by relevance

I can deal with not knowing the date of each battle
I can safely say, I will survive

and this doesn't apply only
to the history
the world today accepts.

Delhi is hot.

Everyday, I melt a little bit more.

Ps- Orientation classes are on, regular ones begin Monday. Each step gets easier. Okay, sometimes.

my unmusical composition

moon miracles and beginnings

I want to write about the moon and soggy cheese
-about wet napkins in clumsy paper plates
-about going to bed with a temporary smile
-about humming songs that your voice can't take
-about a worry that nothing will ever be good enough or this good

I want to write about the impossibility of some dreams
-about caring enough to sleep less
-about meeting the ghosts that conversations fling back
-about Lolita and surprise beginnings

I want to write but words no longer come easy and I sit in my corner, clutching at straws, and hoping the universe is spinning a miracle just for me.

written- june 5th '09

maybe I'll write what I feel today a month from now.
or maybe not.

peace be with you all.

an advert- old is gold.

nobody in my family knows how to converse in kashmiri
we're infinitely more comfortable in english
at the cost of hindi

nobody knows what the 'traditional' cultural outfit is (sari in kashmir? i-dont-think-so)
the usual clothes donned are 'western' (barring family celebrations)
kurtas exist yes, but in an ironic attempt to look inconspicuous

food is dicey
taste buds adapt easily to 'north' food
meetha in gujarat, teekha otherwise
the food dadi and company spoonfed?
for once-in-6-month indulgences

the education is consistent
people are well placed
but in varied fields
there is no tradition to continue
or ancestral wrath to be faced

ideas on travel, shopping, lifestyle are all different
one teeny family
and a billion politically (in)correct opinions
all exploding in a rainbow over the dinner table

i wonder at the glue that holds it
supreme attachment?
conscientious duty upholders?
this-is-how-its-supposed-to-be?
whatever it is
its the lasting type

a hybrid community
jumbled up notions
experimental children
curious adults
all shovelling the snow aside
walking in a pattern unfamiliar
creation of a web

welcome to life

Glitch and Speedbump

Reading Alice in Wonderland. Yes, life in reverse.
Soon i will read about Brer Rabbit and delve into the 8 o'clock bedtime tales.
(Blytons. sigh. Age 6-9= magic)

No actually our very own Alice was part of the DU II year Eng Lit syllabus.
Part of the Popular Fiction section.
I took Classical. (think Greek Mythology and the Mahabharata. Fabulous stuff)

So i figured 3 years (and counting) into the course... One should be able to 'get' the intricacies of the childrens book without being spoon fed. Right? Right?
So far (page 11) im at sea. Tempted to call up S (who DID take it up) and demand a thorough analysis. But i throttle the urge to punch in the digits and *sigh* open that pdf file once again.
Oh yes, now i'm downloading books.
Don't have the luxury of extra cash to afford otherwise.
(coffee dates over 3 months can take a life threatening toll)

(Finally)Finished Lolita.
Not as dirty and erotic as it started out to be.
Bearable almost.
Okay, good.
The thing is, i was driven to the ultimate desperate measure of plonking it in a place where i Knew that i Would read anything. Anything.
Even the instructions off a facewash cover.

But it didn't work for Mein Kampf.
At least not completely... but i Did get through 150 odd pages of it.
Sigh.
My struggles with literature.

Movie Diary-(July)

Kambakht Ishq 1/5 (enjoyment=you're a brainless git..and a woman hater)
Hangover 3/5 (enjoyment=welcome to the club)
The Proposal 2.5/5 (enjoyment=chick world inhabiter and fantasy spinner)
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days 3/5 (read above)
Failure to Launch 2.5/5 (read above, again)
Random Italian Police/Drug dealer Movie 2.5/5 (enjoyment=thinker,slightly cynical action lover)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 3/5 (enjoyment= you're human and didn't compare it to the book...sensible you)

I'm sure there were more, but these are the ones i can think of right now.
Toodles.

sweet ignorance

Admit me love
to the paradise of which
I hadn't bothered to dream

How snugly was I wrapped
in the feeble warmth
of the yellow star

To not have noticed
to have been oblivious
secure and unnaturally brave

Then came an eclipse,
swallowing me whole
Alas
all is lost, Again.

Mood in Music-(Ironically)- Sunrise Norah Jones

Two-ness

In every girls life there is (at least) one boy whose call she refuses to pick.
The reason is (nearly always) a variation of him being
-clingy
-desperate
- (or just plain) weird

In every boys life there is (at least?) one girl whose daydreams he has haunted. The only difference is he is, probably, completely oblivious to it.

So then is this the reason people are unhappy?
Does unrequited caring sum up the big mystery?
Are people sad (read lonely) because they don't have that ONE person who likes them back the way they would want them to?
I wonder if even getting that ONE person to care the same way would salvage anything. Wouldn’t they care at once if they were meant to?

I’m not particularly fond on dwelling on life’s little incomprehensible romantic goof ups but the thing is, eventually it rubs them in ones face. Through a movie, book, friends… or even a walk down memory lane. One would assume attraction to be a two way thing. Correction, one would Want attraction to be a two way thing.
How wonderful if one only liked that ONE person in life and felt only brotherly (sisterly) feelings for the other 2 million people they came into contact with.
As if only THE ONE… the SOULMATE could provoke great joy, immense sorrow and extreme vulnerability.
How easy to pin point then, you-are-the-one-I-will-be-with.
How easy then to not waste ones time.
How easy to let ones guard down.
How easy then to ‘go with the flow’ because you know that one day… both of you flowing in your very own separate water bodies will end up as one, joining hands before you sink into the bigger pool.
To know without the shadow of a doubt, that you will in fact, one day… delirious with joy and drunk on predestined romance… dive into the same turbulent waters.
How easy it would be to brush aside paranoia when you just KNOW that its all going to be okay and this joy you will is going to last the long trek, and the intensity won’t wane… to realize the real thing when it grasps your hand… to not suspect it to be an illusion.

Sigh. If only life could be that simple, that obvious. :)
God willing, one day it will be. :)

This was starting out as cynical and landed up being otherwise.
Go figure. :)

The Day. To(oooo)-day. Now

Its been a long day. A lot has managed to cram itself into the last what 14 hours?
Two results came bouncing out of Universities in Delhi (no, not Delhi University...yet)
One boo (which-is-just-wrong by the way)
The second is on till the interview stage (and then yay?)

Had one long sleepless night
Craved coffee (oh so bad)
Curled up into a yellow lump on one side of the car
Travelled what seems like 5500 kms (exaggeration, naturally)
Satiated above craving by indulging in college coffee (oh heaven)
Managed to wolf down college chole-chawal (*weak smile*)
Lost my purple packet of funflips to a ravenous pack of juniors
Wrangled out a result-awaiting certificate from reluctant college authorities
And now, my stomach is growling.

It may Seem like im more concerned about food than my future
(lookitthat, alliteration!)
But since the DU result isn't out, the entrance or the main exam one
And since i really can't do much about what happened...
why cry over spilt milk eh?
Besides its not like i spilt any milk anyway
The milkman(!) did
And now im having what tastes like bitter black tea.
However, that being said, it could actually be healthy (healthier!) green tea
so time shall announce that as well

It pretty difficult to put philosophy into practice
the whole treat pain and pleasure equally bit.
h-a-r-d
and dont let anyone convince you otherwise

The thing is, you can only doubt yourself for so long
Ultimately you can't float forever on cloud nine
and nor can you cling desperately to the absolute pits (or bedposts, read old post)
The balance must be found
(an odd tear or two bit later perhaps)
but
The balance must be found

Its been a massively long day
and i smell like a giant cherry (thankyou The Body Shop)
you-gotta-LOVE-the-shower-gels!!!

Peace and Love

PS- do whatever it takes to feel the joy.
the constant kind.
Much love. (yes, some more :)...)

boo.

They say you shouldn’t mix drinks. They also say you shouldn’t mix drinks with pills. What if you do both? Tipsy much?
i-didn’t-do-that
but-i-wish-did

don’t-want-to-leave

show me the plan
and if the plan says that I must go?
Erase the plan and lets start over
I wont go
Don’t make me, okay?

Don’t-want-to-leave
dont dont dont

*clings to the bedpost*

Welcoming Zeus

30th June 2009 will always be remembered as the day scores of (young)adults gave their Jamia entrance.... and oh yes, it rained.

Joy, thou hast found me :)

Promise-Ring

I'm all for classics. The timeless. The forever-liked.
The song heard occasionally, long after the britneys have been forgotten.
The book reached for, long after the kinsella's have been outgrown.
The one you hold on to, even as you age.
The one that'll last.
The one you wanted to make last.

honestly :)

Mom is home.
The world is a beautiful warm place again.
Thank You God.

Signing off Happy. Oh so Happy.
:D

'and with heart shaped bruises
and late night kisses,
divine...'

Highlights-

Saw around 23 crows fighting over one car-smashed-pigeon :(
its a bird-eat-bird world!
(Just imagine the STATE of my 'Highlights' if i need to Start with THAT!)

Still waiting for entrance exams to nudge me out of this.
'this' being waste-time routine.

Lost this really important document that i now need to apply to CBSE for :(
irrrrrrrresponsible moi. *sob*

Want to re-decorate my room. MY way.
want the bare-minimalistic look.
Right now it resembles one of those over-crowded china shops that cows aren't supposed to wander through. Only, less china...more wood. Argh. Chaaaaange-eeeet.

Need some new songs, like a-s-a-p! or Soon-er!
Anything to motivate me to step out for a walk!!!

Been sleeping reaaaaaaaally late. Thank you concerned person. Geeeeeerowl!
But heck, what of it? :)

Waiting for dear parents to make their way home after traversing the bright blue planet.... Yes, lucky them. Out in the wide world, spreading their wings.
Dad working. Mum ummm shopping for us? :)

Seriously though, i need a change. No not a holiday. The thought tires me out.
(what am i 79 you ask?)
I want something newwwwwwwww. Now please?
and yes, help me get out of the house.

Ps- need to start WRITING something that matters!
sigh.

with-without-withdrawal

With
one foot behind the other
and the mocking breeze

in fleeting moments
are pebbles flung
tied to a pillar
the need explodes to run

living now
living then
dead to the world
dead to sense

oh my lolita
my own forbidden pleasure
in each resides
the trek to the brink

stare down that cliff
the dust the ash
scream in glee
chanting free

stare down that cliff
one foot behind the other
wait,
wait for the mocking breeze

the river and the bathtub :)

The blog has largely been ignored because i cant (wont?) talk about certain aspects of now-hood(!?!).

Let me skim the surface of life anyway!
If i were to somehow conjure up motivation and push myself into working hard, could probably write the most brutally honest 'piece' (for the lack of a better word). Unfortunately the days just prance on by in a comfortable haze of upama and well, the-thing-that-is-not-talked-about-here.
The thing about the thing-that-is-not-talked-about-here is that its fantastic and beautiful and scary and deep and anxiety-inducing and beautiful all over again.
the-thing-that-is-not-talked-about-here + me = happiness (plenty plenty plenty)

Interestingly i chance upon something i had only heard in theory before... sorrow is much easier to talk about and far easier to relate to.
When someone is happy, thats almost unfamiliar. Unheard of perhaps?
Just too darn uncomfortable... for life has so much to b**** about right?
But sometimes, just some extraordinary some-times, the sunny part of the garden can just take over your life... and there you are... floating bang in the middle of joy *grins*

cherish the love people...
and the bright light...
and the orange leaves...
and the rain-heavy breeze...
if only i knew french and could put it a tad more magnificently :)

PostScript- :):)

Oh and watch Persepolis... very (very) nice :)

Enough Already

Sometimes, the real tragedy is exposed when truly disgusting acts fail to surprise us.

I want to have sex with you

mumurs a 13 year old boy to my 21 year old friend on the road.

Naturally she beat* him up as did the policeman who casually wandered over wondering why a young 'child' was being slapped.

But really, how long can we blame rampant hormones for inexcusable behavior?

Don't girls have hormones too?

Then how is it that we have No difficulty keeping our paws to ourselves on local buses...?

Or keeping our mouths firmly shut when someone from the opposite sex passes by?

Its not a joke. Sadly, neither is it a shock.

*beat= slap around a few times. no whips or chains were used. (sadly)

and i will always...

once on that cliff

don't help me fly

free-falling alone, i distinctly dislike

yes, and the bump hurts too

honest.

Just the Gist

Sons and Lovers By D. H. Lawrence
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

Walter and Gertrude

The short-lived passion that brought us together as a couple isn't enough to carry us beyond our social and moral differences. Our marriage has shattered our emotional integrity and spoiled all hope for our children.

William

I have found a beautiful but stupid woman who has enthralled me. My inability to resolve my attraction to her with my devotion to my mother has left me in ruin. (dies)

Paul

I am frustrated and confused. (dumps some girlfriends)

THE END

If I could write like that, my life would be complete.
(Ps- Wish I had an answer saved on the pc which I could post here, just for the sake of comparison) :)

aware

There is a lot to be said for living in the moment. The thing is, as we grow up, the people we meet are more or less people we choose to let into our lives. We start out with family, then teachers and end up with a small (or large) circle of handpicked friends. It’s a charming life in theory and of course comes with its own unique baggage. A friend once recommended that I hold on to beautiful memories and let the same warm my heart over and over again. Somehow I found the idea distasteful, not because each experience is like a single-use-wet-tissue but more so because there was a sorrowful context attached to the suggestion. The idea that we must accept the beauty of those moments as lost to us, that we must move on and yet hold on firmly to what was rather than anticipate a better tomorrow. The thing is, if we don’t expect more… want more… improve or at least intend to, then we’re as useful as an orangutan. Meaning no disrespect to orangutan’s, I am sure if its are explored in detail some richness of purpose will be found in their existence but the idea remains that it’s simply illogical to exist and accept loss as inevitable. It’s unfair to dwell on past joys and use them as a crutch for a sad lack of them in the future. You owe it to yourself to be happy, successful and ambitious. It is completely unethical to settle when you know in your heart that you have the potential to make more meaningful decisions.

Another friend constantly has the urge to shake people out of their self-induced misery. Sometimes is join her in the outrage and other times I shrug it off as inevitable. Some of us just like to be martyrs in our own eyes, railing against the unfairness of life and the most common, unrequited longing. Passion converted into wet cheeks that melt into innocent pillows. What a royal waste of energy.

I landed up in Rishikesh this last weekend with elder sister and friends. It was one of those last-minute trips that I had agreed to thinking it would be a pleasant ‘break’ if my own plans to escape Delhi didn’t see daylight. It turns out, wise decision :)
Brilliant weather and of course an extremely eventful trip. We saw it all, the harsh unforgiving sun, the glory of Ganga, the peace of the evening aarti, patriarchy strengthened with age, wild rapids and the eight of us clinging on to the orange raft. I shall now laugh at anyone who rambles on about a battle with nature. Darling child, there is battle only among equals. Nature could flick her smallest toenail at us and wipe out a tiny city. :)

Some parts were naturally better than others; I liked the silence of a quiet cell-phone, loved the uncomfortably cold water, snuggled into the sand and of course bathroom humour can never be the same after a camping trip :)
Wanted to write something poetic to maybe do the trip justice but writers block triumphs and I find myself extremely limited.
Moments that still stand out?

- A futile race with gleeful winds at the army cant.
- Dinner and lunch at obnoxiously reasonable rates
- Meditative aarti that eats the cake for the most beautiful moment ever
- Long car rides and an overburdened air conditioner
- Two hours spent trying not to fall off the raft
- Body surfing with life jackets (them oddly making it harder to breathe)
- The million steps down to camp, weighed down by lime green backpacks
- The white sand
- The once-green-now-brown water
- The sauna tent and silent hours
- The overtly populated sky
- Crazy rainfall and unsafe roads
- Plan B’s and new roads mapped
- Random conversation and old songs
- A warm jacket and a dripping car roof
- A still-lit cigarette making its way to my wrist
- A walk on sun baked slabs, barefoot

I loved the trip. In all of its confused convoluted disorganized glory. Will I ever go again? I don’t know. But I have learnt this, among other things, it is important to live in the moment and allow the sun to bake your once-less-brown skin. It is also necessary to remember the feelings and lessons that go with any experience. But at the same time, I cannot live my life recounting Rishikesh each and every day. We need to move on to the new, carrying with us trust and hope that it’ll be a beautiful experience as well. Don’t settle for stale memories. Keep your first ever rose, pressed carefully between the pages of your favorite book but know that the fragrance from the flower cannot last. Treasure the love you had once received but don’t let it consume all of your attention. Give yourself the chance to like the future as well.

God Bless :)

blinkers off

A whole bunch of 'stages', interpretations, analysis, gestures and of course those overwhelming emotions.
Is there even something left to be said about it?
Hasn't it all be felt, experienced, jotted down on once-white napkins in shady city bars?
Haven't we all read books...seen movies...heard songs...indulged in conversations...
all to somehow come to a point of clarity.
A sense of understanding.
What exactly is it that we're dealing with here?
Giving. Pulling back. Hanging on. Letting go.
Lets put it under a microscope and tear apart its threads... examining each in the perfect-est illuminating light.
The 'right' amount of exposure to the sun and we may have photographic evidence of the same.
Let us know what we are dealing with.
Let us know what we are dealing with now.

Joy expresses itself under certain conditions, but it is not created by those conditions.... in human experience, certain events are usually required to bring forth joy, but the joy is the perennial native state of the soul. Love is also native to the soul, but love is secondary to joy; there could be no love without joy.
Sri Sri Paramahansa Yogananda (The Divine Romance)

If I knew a way to offer up my free-will as a sacrifice to the knowledge of what-must-be-done, I would do it in a human heart-beat.
But the future is still variable and the ultimate destination only as far away as we would like it to be, through our actions.
There is no what-must-be-done.
There is no Guide-to-personalised-Salvation.
But there are questions that await reactions.
In grains of sand, the answers lie scattered.
I could enjoy the breeze.
or I could patiently piece experiences together.
Its a hot sticky day and no point waiting for that breeze.
Lets pretend we know where we're going.
Lets build up a rocky past.
I want to move on now.
I can't wait unanswered.

The picture pasted above is cute, but i disagree.
Its much enough :)

may16th

Casually skipping past friend and i turning 21..... there are more 'fun-times' in store. v joins the oh-so-cool(and growing) gang by turning the huge 2-1 tomorrow. we may party tonight and then again, we may not. Time will tell.

As of now completely gripped by Twilight... borrowed it and now the days plan revolves completely around getting to the last page... verdict till page 173?
very girl-meets-vampire-and-sparks-light-up-the-sky.
not toooooo typical but enough to count as an engrossing read!
but the vampire girls all over seem to be swooning over (on the cover!!) SO does not match up to the one in my imagination. poof. bloody reality.



However, other pictures (wonderful wonderful google) seem to be a bit more flattering...

what say? i mean is that even the same person?
(very original superman, only without the inappropriate underwear above pant style.. *thanks the lord*)

Now i'm going to read some more and slump down on the bed for the bestest day ever (lazy lazy hours. bliss!)
oh and late birthday gifts include pink pj's that im going to be living in for the next week or so (thankooooo!) + pink hajmola's that ive stuffed into the prettiest glass bowl thing! (i know its meant for stones!!!:P)
so its time for the cosy falling-on-bed and lolling about...interrupted only for daydreaming....sigh.
Guess party-time can officially be redefined now :D
oh and ive been scribbling a lot on paper so thats my excuse for ignoring the blog...love it or leave it :)

ps-named the post after the date...just beee-cause :)

(II)Ps- The above post was a few hours ago.. Finished Twilight.. My extremely important opinion you beg for? Okay, here goes.. straight from the horses(!) mouth... Its good...well written in fact but lets put it this way, no one has to hold me down to prevent my ransacking a store to get hold of the sequel... in fact, im going to comfortably wait until Sw purchases it (and then borrow it) :)

Also, turns out i don't really have a thing for the main vampire (Edward)... at all!... the whole pale skin and cold lips were starting to get to me...really i mean... hardly a 'come hither' description. tch. what a waste of the hype :

However, before you chuck that book down the drain... im probably exaggerating... so hold on to that copy... to sum up "read it" :)

It would help if you like pale cold skin too....

I must be the least helpful critic around.