Finally

So Long (folks), and Thanks for All the Fish

and Scene.

of the why of Drafting

Why do I keep reverting posts to drafts?
Because this space in particular is one of stark contradictions and has been for years.
since its conception.

Writing here seems like I'm calling a random Phone booth somewhere out there and pretty much anyone can receive the call. Now if it was ensured that only strangers would pick up, would I still keep talking to that silent listener? Would I share more, or less? Would I get bored because it was Guaranteed that the person listening didn't know me and essentially didn't care?
Hmm.

I guess its the mystery that makes it interesting to keep writing here. Could it be an old friend who picks up and momentarily tunes in into my today? and what if I chance upon their line and silently catch up on the absences we've created? would these tiny moments of communication light the path down the road to when we meet 10 years hence and feel like that much time hasn't passed?
Or would it be someone in the now who catches a titbit and helps me finish that thought over quick phone conversations :)

so why drafting? and why so often?
because after a while typing becomes cathartic and what spills out is sometimes meant for only intended ears... intentionally and specifically shared with some and not just left loose to wander and echo in the distant universe.

that's what it is right? My writing is just echoing.. present and vibrating away in this one place, accessible whenever someone feels like typing in the url.. or happen to be chanced upon when hopping from blog to blog (if people still do that)

just got pulled out of that visual with an abrupt dose of reality. Hello. It's 9.30 am on a Monday. #BackToWork-ish. :)

clarity

"Things change" is a cliche for a reason. It's because it is resoundingly true And has universal application.

Not only things, but people and our perspective of people change pretty dramatically. It's also not always because the person has actually changed, but more so because they've either revealed something about their personality which was hidden earlier (now visible due to some event or sometimes it just takes time to float to the surface).. or maybe because you have changed you can now see them more clearly?

There is someone in the extended family bandwagon that I felt very warmly towards for ages, but it was probably my immaturity that I couldn't see them as a person and only viewed them as that relationship. which is something I have come to discover can really add those rose tinted glasses. But now because of Hello Time and Age I'm seeing things more clearly. also I can't deny that the last decade has been one of massive change. Internally especially. and I no longer want to re-read the past reminisces. Not only is it stale news, it's also pretty irrelevant and off topic. Topic being, shitloads to do now. 

Met someone else recently who is a really distant relative but of course we hit it off because of the whole feminist urge thing. Again, its hard to say who is what till enough time passes I guess, or hopefully my sensors pick up things sooner now. Hmpf. It's good to have some interesting conversations once in a while but really... what is the point even? 

gotta finish that shitloads to do.

lots of sticky candy canes to you all.

chew on those world.

#workmodestartingsoon

Technology. and changing people.

I'm the person who insisted on putting her phone on airplane mode and switching off the wifi transmitter from the base every night because I could physically feel the onset of a headache if they were on, and near me. Which is not something which is backed by science, just experience.
I don't think I can view myself as "young" post crossing 31 (whew, when did that happen).. but even in my 20's ie. tackling hormones and not wanting to miss out on messages from special people, I still enjoyed chucking the phone in one part of the house and only grabbing it on the way out.

A habit I have since tried to let go off because, well, Adulting. Also if you read an invite, forget to respond later, people are way less forgiving. Also see under embarrassing.
Escapism must be practiced more subtly now. This duniyadari I tell you, such a massive waste of precious energy and time.

So now the wifi stays on (and not near my head, so all good), but the phone resolutely on airplane mode. The trend of the chiming of relentless messages invading whatsapp groups does not seem to tire. Its funny when its the college gang having a hysterical personal conversation on a group with 30 others and you wake up to 95 messages of utter nonsense. Its less funny when it is actually a work related group and you have to skim through smileys and thumbs to get to the point. I might be a whatsapp-scrooge, a whooge? :|

So getting into the whole wearable technology thing wasn't a great fit. But one re-gift and desire to drop some mass later, here I am 3 weeks steady with it. and the notifications do help me not miss some important calls. Sigh.

How things change.
and yet, unless we really make a sustained effort, they still sort of feel the same.
Effort to change habit patterns, which over 2+ decades of practice become reflexes.
So hard to rewire reflexes.
But change they must, for without change there is no growth. except horizontal.
hence the technology :D

Have dropped coffee and tea since March because I was sort of missing them too much.
Hence ofcourse I had to slip them off the menu, it's my kind of logic.
No more coffee, now to Smoothie dates :D

those days

how strange were those days
when eccentricities were celebrated,
when the dance of the words
felt like sunshine after the rain.

voices impatient, to grow up so.
for the world to acknowledge,
we were here and they could hear us roar

brave lions, just as savvy.
big hearts, and many steps of folly.
generous smiles to nearly all around
regrets so few, almost none to be found.

a kinship, a tribe, of growing minds.
joined at the hips, whilst celebrating flight.
innocent or ignorant of the vagaries of time
and that temptress, that is hope.

excited babbles, incoherent debates.
no stemming of ideas,
no thought left corked,
spilling out aloud,
endless nights, endless days.

how strange were those days.

The 2019 Post :)

The thing with the "Draft" folders is, that they are rarely perused. Much easier to scroll down published posts.

This might just make its way out of the Draft pile and into the sunshine of this rarely inhabited but happy space.

Rereading some poetry penned down in my early 20's, when life was composed of a rollercoaster of emotions and what-ifs abounded. The opportunities seemed endless, what direction one chose would probably define the next 40 years of work-life. Or literally half of ones days on the Earth moving forward. Lawyer, PR person, Scriptwriter (that I still love), Content Writer, Animator, Artist, Journalist, Event Management, the Civil Services, Writer.. were all fields and professions I had seriously considered or perhaps peripherally considered at some point. Some I actually tried and experimented with the lifestyle before rejecting. Some were just a pipe dream. I got a touch distracted and just googled where the phrase pipe dream came from and the result is hilarious.

"late 19th century: referring to a dream experienced when smoking an opium pipe."

hilarious because it was metaphorically a pipe dream, it was literally an assessment of capabilities I thought I had and the lifestyle that seemed most in tune with them and comfort. That old laziness trait. Job satisfaction- Essential (and a given)

That booted out Events, PR, even journalism didn't stimulate some peculiar string that I seemed to want pulled(?)... I gave animation and graphic designing a shot, but they were more technical than creative (at least at the beginning)... my experience of Events was just a mess of late nights, manual labour and ton of lies thrown at the client. I quickly realised it wasn't my forte simply because I didn't enjoy it. and at 20 and privileged I had the luxury of searching for something that made me feel happy.

Teaching was literally farthest from my mind even though i was pursuing the degrees methodically. But life was unravelling its plan with ease and i felt myself flowing towards it.
The first few sections of young minds were gratifying.
i felt motivated and happy, i was able to share something that they could absorb and gain from.
Why had I never viewed teaching in this way before?
Who knows why we shut some doors simply because we don't understand them.
and it takes a series of carefully orchestrated seemingly random events to take us where we fit in the puzzle.
and maybe its no longer a puzzle. Maybe now its a rubik's cube. A 3 dimensional riddle that appears 2 dimensional from certain angles.

Sometimes I'm certain I don't know what's going on, and sometimes the flow of the water seems to be leading to a place very familiar and safe. I've re-assessed myself over the years. More in "real" life than in blog.
This is going to be a very special year. I don't know what it is, but i sense it's coming.
Hope my 1 or 2 readers are happy and fulfilled wherever they are. Lots of love.