My Minds Journey unaccompanied by Milton....

When the world becomes too insane and pretends to blanket itself under the guise of ‘normalcy’…I run far away and hide….i create an ‘alternate reality’ and that’s where I currently reside…

A day before yesterday and an eternity ago in space….i was in a class where Milton’s secondary epic was being painfully dissected….each word was shaken for multiple meanings and the defeated rhythm of beauty that flowed in ‘Paradise Lost’ was truly lost to me forever….when you divide each letter and test its worth…you will more often than not….lose the worth that you were trying to decrypt…so I allowed my brain to flow in all directions….and surprisingly …it obeyed me eagerly…only reinforcing the proverb that it’s the easiest thing in the world to make someone do something they want to do….or something to that general effect….

Here are some of the thoughts that I jotted down with no more sinister purpose than to take another step towards unraveling the mystery that i find us to be…..as I often feel…there is no one quite as hard to understand…as me....

“Ever felt constricted by an image you believed you were and based your relationships on?

Would changing your identity or discovering it to be far-removed form what you believed it to be-change previous relationships forged on that premise.

If you previously believed your essence to be different from your understanding of it today- How much of an impact would it make on the established social relationships?

Does it make sense to make bonds based on commonalities between individuals as personality evolution will inevitably lead to a change in the perspectives previously considered as ethically similar or basic?

Will it ever make sense to define oneself when we change our own view of ourselves far too soon. Consistency in the human nature is lacking and leads to a feeling of insecurity.


Yesterday, someone said that as I don’t know who I am, I am dependant on other peoples opinion of me and hope to construe and convince them to keep it positive so as to maintain my self-esteem.

It is accurate.

29/01/08”

Another semi-interesting observation made by my mind as it floated somewhere near nowhere……-we tend to quote things that we perhaps find accurate and can somehow relate to….things unnatural to our environment are quite easy to forget…..

Leaving the world of romantic fantasy and teen-ache fiction….i casually slip back into the role of an observer….

Don’t you love it when you discover so many different (not to mention lovely fascinating and sometimes downright adorable!!!!!) sides of you?...

Fanciful Dreaming and Mind Games Part-2

(N's Story...part 2)

You must be the 3rd luckiest girl in the world gushed my brain… (the 1st two positions are taken by Angelina Jolie cuz of her fabulous looks and Oprah because of her even more fabulous heart and immense wealth!)….i mean who would have thought that just ONE week ago you were sitting in your room eating khakra with soup…n NOW….your still in your room eating khakra with soup AND waiting for HIM to call up….*brain goes into rational ecstasy at the prospects that lurk around my 'new' and 'improved' life*…..(romantic self yawns and waits for that elusive technological ring that would make life seem a whole lot rosier)

*ringgggg*….omg omg omg…..*is it him???* Shrieks some obscure giddy part of self…ahh….twinge of disappointment as id caller tells me its *s*!!!...dont get me wrong…I mean no one likes having 7 hour chats with her(like we did last night…tehetehe)…but I would like to fill her in on some NEW developments…….

N: hey….

S: so???

N: yea…?

S: well???.......

N: umm…yea…*pause*

S: yea what?...*impatient*

N: nope….didnt reply…

*can almost FEEL her gearing up to be cheerful and all hope inducing*

i interrupt with…me: see I know what your going to say…
I totally feel that he’s pakka in some obscure part of the world where networks refuse to function….n I’ve given it some thought and refuse to believe that he’s been killed by politically motivated barbarians….the way I see it….he’s probably seriously wounded and strapped to an imaginary tree with mythical chains….i bet he’s thinking of calling me RIGHT now but the blood flowing from his eye probably ….

S: okaaaay okayyyyy I get the point…any enthusiasm that I display when rushing to his defense will not be appreciated…..right?

N: you comprehend perfectly my friend…now tell me about HIM…

S: uhh…*confused*…didn’t u just want to NOT talk about HIM??

N: ass…not HIM…*meaningfully*…HIM

(since shes a girl…she gets it)

S: oooooohhhhh……..HIM?....well….*pseudo calmly*…just talked to him for an hour….

N: ommiigooodddddd…..*wild war dance follows yelp of excitement*

S: yea yea….*smug*

N: haha…*suddenly feeling better*

We talk for 2.45 hours and analyse whatever has been said and a lot which was unsaid but ‘felt’….

Feel a whole lot better and realize that I disagree with Simon Cowell ….people CAN be happy when friends have good things going for them…plus it only helps life that HE msged back said “hey….dont know if I was lucky enough to miss any msg or call from you…but just thought you should know…my cell stopped working for a while…so do get back to me asap if you DID try to contact me…and even if you didnt…cant wait…xoxo”

Hehehehahahaha….*heaven thou art not that far*

My cup runneth over…..:)

Fictitous Meeting

okay....inspired by a very very close friend...i will shove dignity aside and put forth an almost fantastical scenario of the 'perfect' yet never-happening/deluded meeting with HIM...yes...the one who WILL make my heart go pitty pat and my palms sweat abonormally....whose eyes will make my body melt into this puddle of buttery mess...whose energy will drive me crazy!....enough about the fictional him....*dragging tongue back from the ground where it fell panting*.....only condition...it has to be semi-plausable so all hope is not lost!...Let us call the girl N!!!

PLACE-Theatre fest!
TIME-Evening
SITUATION-We just performed our Stage Play that N co-directed!!! (its a fantasy for gods sake!)

Audience:WooHoo.....awesum!...encore(okay so now we're in France....*thinking*....maybe not)

Us:modest blushes all around(Priyam mutters congratulations to herself)

N climbs down and goes out of the building for a breather
flushed with success N tries and understand just how precious this moment is
and how all the work has been worth it...

(N's narration begins)

a footstep is heard

this grungy looking guy is smoking behind me...
slightly more concious....i arrange my feet in a less tangled heap as casually as possible
while trying to see just how cute he is by pretending to look at the clock behind him...

'its 7.30' he murmers almost caressingly without looking at me
i freeze ....hes somehow managed to come right next to me while i eyed the clock
(stupid stupid me i curse....what is hes a psycho killer yelps my brain)

as i scramble for an answer he turns towards me...and i see...his eyes are black...not brown but black...a deep mesmerising i-cant-look-away black...i realize im gaping....

ohmigod ohmigoddddd....im sitting next to a sex god !!!!!!(screams my head)
N-(composedly) thanks

SG(Sex God)-so, i saw your play...nice bit of writing
(sits exactly 6 and half inches away from me...but whose measuring?)

N-(DO not say something stupid)thaaaanks *weird crooked half smiley* (why the f*** did u smile like that?)

SG-so who worked on the script (putting out his ciggie...with long lean tanned fingers i might add....jesus!!!)

N-uhh mostly S and ...(voice trails away as realization hits...Bloody hell hes gonna go to her now...no no no no nooooooo!)
....(no wait...hes not going...hes looking straight at me...i cant breathe...)

N-so what did u like about the play? (im not freakin lettin u go even if i gotta chain u here to a tree myself)

SG-well the interplay between...bla bla(intellectual nonsense which only makes me fall more deeply in love)

(appreciates all the right things and points out the less obvious errors)

we chat for 2.45 hours(ITS A FANTASY PEOPLE)....i get some semblance of sense in my words desperate to impress him and keep him just where he is....next to me!)

random guy walks in....'uhh Sir'....stops uncertainly as he sees us

(What???...Sir???....WTF!)
i turn to him in confusion

he casually turns ....then gives me a half smile.....a once over (ohbloodyfabuloso...those EYES!)....motions for me to stay where i am.....murmers 'dont take it too seriously' then leaps up and walks in with the guy

(It???? It??.....what It?...Us it?....Do we qualify as a Us???.....)

suddenly random guy comes out looking star struck.....takes a few deep breaths then comes next to me and sits down (what am i a sex goddess tonight?...wow...the perfume realllyyy works!)....wow im so jealous he pronounces!....you TALKED to him!!!...wow...

okay this isnt romantic and who d fk IS this guy?....i look closely...ahh its long lost friend from school who has recognized me....

RG/LLF-still breathing

N-(cautiously) so....umm...who....whats his name again?..i keep forgetting...

RG/LLF looks at me like im crazy!
'thats freakin Kunal Krikiminoshkar!!....seriously gurl you need to get your facts straight!imagine if he had known u didnt totally remember his name!...i mean after a guy wins 3 oscars he would expect people to remember every detail about him'

(well with a 2nd name that complicated who WOULD remember it? my hurt intellect argues!....so that was that...so much for my romance....all dreams shattered ....sigh...don't u DARE hope...accept that your gonna die a virgin with 5 dogs while your pet insects will eat your decaying body when no one comes to find you for 7 months)

RG/LLF is called and goes in...i think about my humiliation and rue ever being born

suddenly young kid approaches me and hands me a note
almost used to surprises i open it unthinkingly...its from HIM!!...gasp gasp...READ READ yell hormones!!!!!

Note(on clean crisp sheet) from SG/KK:i really regret our chat being cut short but unavoidable business called me away. Hope we can continue our chat some other time... I'm not completely sure how you will construe this but i would love to stay in touch with you. My numbers is 9********6. Text me whenever your free, i would hate to remain only partially informed about the benefits of keeping 2 dogs!...:)
Ps-by 'it' i meant what jargon your friend would probably sprout about my qualifications...and yes...we Do qualify as an 'Us'...)
Pps-do call me or in 5 days or i'll be forced to call you from the number i procured from the college!...:)

i read and faint with happiness...life!...go figure!
-------------------------------------

FICTION!!!!!!!.....duh!
but pleasant nonetheless!...:P

Lifes Principle for the 'Ethical' Reader

There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. - Elie Wiesel

look back at your world
do you see no sorrow?
those moments when you were (there)
has there been no pain?
no moment of insecurity
where right from wrong you could not gauge...

look back at your world
is it really how others know?
when words were duly twisted
was the effort worth it
or was it all in vain?
when memories were mangled
to show a better day

look back at your world
is this the life you wanted?
where more than the people
its the image that was created

look back at your world
regret the hurt not
shove it not aside
not because it was 'gyaan'
that will eventually help you survive
hold it cause you lived it
you were part of the pain
emotions that were true
and of which you were always ashamed

look back ay the world
is this the life you wanted?
realization of dissatisfaction
is not the end today

look back at your world
face who you are

look back at your world
and know
who it is you want to be
know from all the experience
that retrospection is your teacher
and tomorrow the cure

look back your world
and optimism embrace
for each person
has a part to play
a path to follow
and a place which is waiting...

poetic rendition of the journey of pain

we are never in a better position to write about pain until we are feeling its piercing tentacles clawing the air around us.....when we know with fatal accuracy that tears are indeed going to chart their way down yet another path from the wet eyes to the cold cheeks.....it hurts ....the words encompass a whole universe of primacy that explodes with the vitality of the bland statement

n then we go into numbness where we are perhaps preparing ourselves for the inevitable axe as we hear it grinding in the background....groaning for flesh to poison with its iron of rejection....

n then our eyes widen....we dont want to admit to the unpleasant unreasonable bitterness that is doled out with cruel consistancy....

rejection of the self by the reactions of the other continues

Judgement

Often we say or we would like to believe that the world judges us- But the truth?

We judge Ourselves long before anyone else can....

We are our harshest critics and We make and maintain standards for ourselves....
------------------------------------------Words that Paulo Coelho didn't quote...but ones he inspired me to enunciate.....

Just for Me

okay!...so here is the unadulterated truth....for humanity (i generalize in an attempt to pointlessly divert attention from the One individual i can never stop talking about-me!)-
truth is......everyone loves to be told how great there are
the second great truth is-we all know when a compliment is coming from the heart and that makes it so special that you remember it for always....(i think ive just got like ONE spontaneous compliment that i still find etched in my most precious feel-good moments...probably cuz we're not friends anymore....strange)
today i read a LOT of swetha's entries....shit!
anyway, she writes reallllyyyy well.....n not at all like me but in a very strange way thinks JUST like me....when she was talking about ALL those issues.....MY inner self was going like *yeaaaa babyy i sooooo agree*...
its so odd that even when your so close....or perhaps because your so close....there comes a point when your not interested in knowing each other anymore....or u just get lazy and take their presece for granted and keep talking about the same random stuff....completely forgetting that they're your friends and there was something in them that lead u to becoming friends......
its kind of like a semi boyfriend scenario....only 10 times more important (n 15 times less sexually exciting....make that 15000 actually!...hehe)....but when you become friends you literally take someone NEW into your life....
someone you know your gonna call when your crying or happy or plain excited!!...(hav SO been thr!)....its a big decision...n sometimes it lasts as long as you see each other everyday...(which we have all learnt the hard way)....n just sometimes....it transcends how many times you talk in a year....n sad though i am to admit it.....miya faraaz might have had a very good point....sad because its hard to accept that people your SO close to now will no longer be there with you 10 years down....
its that feeling of permanency that leads you to trust someone....
sometimes i think i miss talking to someone as brutally honest....he was unapologetically himself and came to me at a time when i needed some perspective...
oddly enough i think i could now call him a friend.....
the others seem too superficial and cultivated.......

now What i wanted to REALLY talk about was.....after reading her entries i realized and re-realized the importance of having a set number of memories....n i used to have that collection which i lost to .....lost to a guy.....he took over it and then i let too many other people and issues enter into the equation.....
somethings should really be for ones own self...where one can be oneself and INVITE people to join in.....every once in a while.....
not too often cuz then again we start catering to the audience....
point is.....why not another space?....i dont have all the answers....but this space feels nice!
n fuck anyone else who says differently.....
some wrong decisions need to be made alone....this is just one of them!!!.....
this may or may not be another way to measure my mental growth.....
but i will be damned if i close any options so soon in life.!!!!!....

you know what?....i am YOUNG....i am 19 and 8 months....and im gonna start ACTING like it!.....
im gonna FEEL my age and love each moment of it!!!....:)
so here's to a new year of perhaps mapping my progress.....positive hopefully it should be!!!!!!.........

*wild cheers and applause*......:):):)

Chocolate

chocoholism IS a real disease....its this compusion which drives you 'insane'....by 'insane' i mean you behave in an 'abnormal' way......n by 'abnormal' i mean......in a way that is out of the realm of the normal........yes......i am ensuring that all dyslexic people comprehend my meaning.....i do not discriminate........*technical and practiced pause which hopes for a semi chocked laugh*


*clears throat and continues when no laugh comes*

So we are gathered here to today to .......(common parody of wedding service being used to perhaps provoke a more light attitude...it fails)....to discuss my problem

yes...i have a problem......i am a chocoholic

now the problem with the world is that IF someone refuses to acknowledge their 'problem'.....they flock together in groups like sparrows who have been offered multiple helpings of free seed(?)....no ...i didnt end....they dont just flock together!>...;they hound the poor person until he/she develops many more problems and one of them commonly being a phobia of crowds and maybe even sparrows.....(odder things have been known to happen)

you may be bored right about NOW....or you may have been bored earlier...but i must tell u....when i write i picture myself as a different person....(i know it sounds crazy and probably is...but i really dont care....some people say they dont care when they really do care....but i really really dont care)

so when i address chocoholism in its scientific and possibly true terminology....i picture an all white american man typing (n no my brown fingers tapping away on the keyboard do NOT make me realize that i am, in fact, NOT an all american man).....n this man is technical to the point of boring people to death....so if your bored i automatically assume its cuz of him cuz hey! im not the one typing....maybe in some complex psychologically challenging way im trying to escape responsibility for my actions.....i again.....find comfort in....i dont care

people take words so seriously....sometimes too seriously.....n others.....take them too lightly.....
when your rejecting someone......they wont take you seriously.....but when your flirting
with them....its like you automatically carved your eternal devotion and love in stone.....n then people make you feel guilty about it.....not just the rejected....but OTHER people....i hate OTHER people....shouldnt a relationship be between the people IN the relationshoip....why do i have to care about OTHERS?....should i care about others????.....exactly how relevant ARE the others??....i dont like people....

this is the time when i emotionally drift to chocolate....when stuffing your belly with it seems like the only nice place to be in the whole wide world....better than that phone call with your friend.....better than the senseless chatter of everyday life....better than the warmth your family can try and give you.....thats why i left chocolate.......you know......i used to blog elsewhere....n then it became too public .....i started this blog by thinking that i would NOT reveal who i really was thru what i was going thru....no emotional details will pop out........result?.....i feel hollow...cuz im not sharing myself....

i also dont like rational people......i like sense....but i dont like sensible people...in fact, i think i dislike them....if i HAVE to get some sense....i WILL....dont bug me into seeing it.....fucking up is part of growing up....let me do it MY way...let em choose not to have chocolate if for some obscure reason i think it'll help me grow up!....you go to a therapist.....i will leave mint!!!!......

sigh!.....sometimes all i really want is to be alone.....with no one.....where no one can find me......unless his name IS "no one"....i wont mind meeting a guy called "no one".....so "no one" and i will sit together and talk....yes....i wanna talk to random people like "no one"....i want "no one" to 'get' how i think....n how ironic.....i want someone to 'get' what i think and yet his name is "no one".....

chocolate me and "no one"......a dream ....a wish... a fantasy.....

one day....not very far from now....i will re-read this and critically examine it in an attempt to understand what exactly i was going through right now.....

B bye........btw....this place im gona go to will be on a cliff overlooking the beach.....n it'll be late evening with some stars peeping out from behind the clouds...

ps- despite all possible and obvious 'flaws'....i like me!

The Journey on July 23rd 2007

(this happened a while ago and im happy i have it to remind myself
of the vast potential of Theatre and how it can truly help you grow as a person!...
i genuinely feel....Theatre is balm for the soul..:)...)

So today the journey 'formally' began.....
i am going to TRY and keep a regular account of Maya's work with us.....
we began with some exercises very much like Bhaveen's...
the relazation ones where you have to stop your mind from talking nineteenn to a dozen....
n which used to be analysed......note the past tense

im happy she didnt ask me what went through my head....
because oddly enough my mind was a complete blank....
as she talked about us holding on to each vision.....
i found it harder to GET any!!!this was quite remarkable and had never happened before....
now i respect maya as a theatre person but somehow
i dont think she had anything to do with it....
when i tried exceptionally hard.....
all that popped up was my gettin 62%....(second highest in KNC)......
but the fact is....i couldent really talk about that
(at this time i was still under the impression that we would be discussing our visions)....
especially cuz most people hadn't really done well....
ill flit lightly past the very fast-then slow-then slower-then barely moving-then faster-then running.....walk.....wheeewwww.........

i think that was just to get our bodies all warmed up......
as we hopped we were ASKED to produce tht whooshing sound with each hop....
apparatly i must hav done a fantastic job as mansi joshi looked visibly concerned!!...
then we were asked to 'surrender' ourselves to the earth....or in laymans terms......unceremoniously collapse on the ground......what followed was highly unusual........we were asked to go into our own rooms and then our home...
(she specified homes later but thats understood)....
asking us something about our favourite spot....

at this time i got very agitated.....i wasnt able to find that place.....
i felt like there was no place in my house that could honestly admit as my own......
or atleast where i felt comforted........
finally i settled for a spot behind the curtains where ive sobbed most of my adolescence away.....
after that i could hear her voice murmering something but it didnt really matter....
i went into this comfortable place where i was resting my back against the door and had the curtains shading me from only god knows what.......
i was woken up from my 'experience' by a gentle nudge....

the part of thw workshop that i felt i personally excelled in was one that had been, previously, described to her as my forte.....imagination and writing or rather talking ability.....
she showed us this picture of a group of korean people and demanded possible explanations for what they were doing......
we all made the usual remarks until she asked us to put them in a fantasy situation with some basis in reality.....
somehow i felt obliged to put them a country which had been invaded by religious fanatics who were now in power.....
n who would not tolerate anyone disregarding their religion....
i said that the people had been herded into a church where they were being introduced to a religion that would dictate what they would do for the rest of their lives......
this is how i explained the visible pain in their faces....
when she said 'lovely' i felt as though i had been redeemed and that my ability (however inconsiquential or otherwise) had been recognized....

as we continued she asked us to do the same for a printout which showed a woman looking at herself in a mirror held by a woman.....
instantly my mind flew to a woman who was doing her duty and was hiding her unhappiness under an aura of self control......
but maya asked us to arrange the story in 3 sentences.....
so i took my time while i collected my thoughts....

one of the MORE imp things maya said was that we had to BELIEVE in what we were saying or doing!!!....so i gave the woman a name and thus an identity.......
maya said that we must feel the story until we can feel the emotions.......
i found that it really worked for me......
i allowed myself to wallow in that womans loss and gave myself time to think about why she would be sorrowful....
finally i said that she was someone who had lost her husband.....
n tradition demanded that she dress up for the last time.....
so she was being given this one last chance to appreciate her physical beauty before she had to renounce the world of all its materialistic pleasures.......
what made it more poignant was perhaps her obvious beauty and her proud resignation to her fate....though i ddint say this out loud...

later we got a chair and saw it transformed from being described as a wooden inanimate object to a lonely visitors seat in an old age home where it signified the loneliness of an old man who got no visitors...at one moment Maya said the journey of discovering who you are is unending as we dont even know what our kidneys look like...however it made more sense when she framed it!!!!!.....

soon maya draped herself on that chair in remarkable postures moulding her 54 year old body to the chairs shape..........we sat and discussed what maya has vaguely planned for us in the next 10 days....as we did so......you could see the apreciation for her pouring out of everyone in huge drops!!!!.......another exercise we practiced was two sentences spoken out as a conversations......this culminated into a question asked.....n answered....with a 'but'.......its far too complicated a concept to be explained this far into the night.....

but the fact of the matter remains that i had an exceptional day.....even though my phones battrey is not working.....n though i seem to be gorging on junk everyday......n my hurt foot refuses to get better....i did somehting special today!..or atleast felt it....tomorrows gonna be a stress filled day!
so i should take ur leave!.....
sending loads of love that special someones way.....
even though he knows not what he means to me......
love you all......muahhhhssssss!!!!!........
will continue to keep you posted!....:):)

Hang your Heads in SHAME!

Imprinted upon my very soul is your face
A feeling like bile you do create
Oh foul molester, raise not your head
Feel should you shame
Defend yourself not
Or I shall be forced to curse
And now it’s best you know
That to avoid a woman is best
When her dignity is hurt…

Oh I loath you!
I want to physically wrench myself away from this unpleasant reality. Headlines of the day- 2 women with their partners were molested….their clothes and lingerie ripped off by a group of 80 violent beasts who demand the respect of being called human!I deny you the compliment!
You foul creatures, you repulse me!How can you possibly belong to any strata of civilization?
You dare not hide behind class lines for poverty does not breed inhumanity and if revelry and high spirits you plead-well as god as my witness…..I Demand justice…I weigh your ‘plea’ and find you wanting!

Worse perhaps are those men who DARE scorn women further by saying that they were ASKING for it!
I am incensed!
Words and lyrical poetry deserts me as I am left with bare emotions and a quote that I’m desperate to believe in-‘What goes around comes around’.
So you b**tar*s better watch your back!
Cuz’ Karma is one harsh, revenge seeking B****!
And I hope it hurts you triple fold!

Men in India…..You had better be ready for a surprise
Because I as an Individual am done playing Patriarchal Power Games!
I don’t care if it makes me unpopular or the butt of lewd defensive jokes!
You men, who disrespect a woman’s dignity, deserve not an iota of OUR respect!
So today I strip you of YOUR powers and declare myself an Independent AGAINST each foul mouthed loafer who thinks he’s better than ANY woman just because he has a penis! Those ‘aggressive’ feminists had it right…..simply words don’t work…..i see your Philosophy Gandhi ….i see it…know it….understand it….and REJECT it!

Time for us women to take a stand!
Castrate all rapists and molesters!
Let them know what it feels like to be stripped of Dignity!
Nearly all women have experienced or gone through SOME form of eve teasing!
Why must we put up with men sliding their hands close to us?
Why do we have to be VICTIMS to their perverse fantasies?
Why can’t we spell our each disgusting thing they do to us in Buses?
When that insult to humanity feels no shame in touching you why are you afraid to ask him to STOP!
Why is it allowed!????!

Raise your VOICE!
You have one!
Demand what you REALLY want regardless of how it makes you look!
F*** CONVENTION!Do not wait for it to happen to you or your loved ones!
Take Action. Protest. After all, this is a battle for the DIGNITY of Each Woman and her right to LIVE without FEAR!
IF India is free…..WHY ARENT YOU???