Things that im mystified by-
1-self deprecating humour (with ref to Jay London, Last Comic Standing) Remind me again why we need to POINT out, in miniscule damning detail, each and every thing that is apparently wrong with us. Need we really go into how our appearance is under 'renovation' or how close we are to apes?
2-girls giving out the numbers of their boyfriends when asked for their own! (yes, this really happened) In the fear that their number would get 'leaked'. is it me or am i living in crazy town?
(lack of identity issue!!!)
3-how its much easier to talk to someone you may never meet (again, i know the psychological reason behind it being something to do with 'protecting' oneself and current environment. blah.)
4-Though i know love is about being with someone else (normally), i cant help but agree wholeheartedly with Virginia Woolf when she says "To love makes one solitary". Its not about being with someone then, its about a certain sorrow that accompanies love. so hard to put into words. Maybe the image of a rock under steady stream of water would suffice. It erodes.
5-how even when you know you feel a particular way (about an issue) cuz of a social construct, you're still never able to quite escape its implications.
I could go on about the more mundane things but i guess ive said my bit. :D
ps- i know it says 5 but i just remembered one...its more about wondering 'why' rather than mystification though...
why do people cuss for effect? is it 'cool' to talk like that? seriously?
(sometimes i do it too, introspective blog remember? :P)
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Hug Phenomenon
In the small speck of the world that ive had tangible access to, young people inevitably touch the feet of someone older. Age seems to merit reverential and 'special' conduct. In some cultures, girls bend to accept 'blessings' after marriage while in others its perfectly acceptable to do the 'needful' before the holy act of matrimony. But one thing is unanimous is the act of bending and expressing all the wonderful feelings of gratitude, respect and perhaps familial duty.
Except for one tiny community(that i know of) that boasts of no such tradition. Kashmiris. In an age of fast deteriorating values and forgotten languages (when most of us havent ever been to Kashmir and fewer still know the original dialect save food items), we (the 'old-kashmiris') hold on to our deep fried dum-aloos, chaman (paneer), nadaru (lotus stalk), atehru (long danglers that swing from a piercing into the bony part of the ear) and namaskar followed by an embrace (our answer to the touching of feet).
Regardless of sex, age, sexual orientation(?), colour (lily white, pale white, chalk white are the more acceptable ones, the rest of us unfortunate ones linger at the sidelines of the gush-festival) and marital status- we all hug! Depending on your comfort level (and the look in the persons eye) you either go for the full out bear hug, the more gentle lady hug (which started out as a poke at the page 3 crowd and has now started becoming less of a joke. ahem. just 2 pecks per cheek please!), the light tap on the back variety (for relatives approaching their parchment-y 90's) and finally the guy-hug (which girls arent normally able to attempt in bulky lehengas/uncomfortable suits/sultry saris).
The trick behind this intricate gesture, if you're interested, is to flash the 'genuine-smile' at everyone in a 5 km radius and then narrow it down to one familiar face. Move gracefully(or clumsily, if thats more you) towards your target (make sure they're looking AT you) gradually widening the smile by a few inches (yes) and then right before you fall into their arms...be sure to take a deep breath while joining your hands (in what seems like an effortless move) all the time mouthing 'Namaskar' with a huge dollop of enthusiasm- to be followed by 'The hug' (look above for person specific style)...
and that my peeps, is how we hug :) Now it may seem like its a lot of effort but trust you me...all the qualifications you need to pass off as an 'old kahmiri' (ones who've never lived there) is a tendency to like oily food and hug sweetly! Of course there are the more grumpy individuals around as well but they too understand that at the end of the day, we're just preserving the one miniscule thing which we think belongs to us... so we're all humoured :)
Sometimes, even though im in the habit of whining that im a rootless hybrid of a culture that was never really mine and am identity-less in terms of ancestral connections, these small things do cheer me up. I know a lot of people out there dont like their family (immediate and otherwise) and i do accept that we tend to love people because they seem to care for us (plus blood-line link) but when i meet my extended family (2-3rd cousins etc) it feels real good. Like here are some people like me. Hybrids of a rootless culture caught in an identity-warp due to lack of ancestral cultural knowledge. *grins* But really, jokes aside...and bringin on the cliches' ... i feel warm and loved surrounded by them. Thats a feeling that you will rarely find outside your own 'kind' and i feel so blessed to have that.
Thank you mum and dad for bringing me up the way you did which helps me appreciate that all thats good in me has been secretly inculcated by you guys. every seed that has an itsy bitsy part of sense in it owes its birth and nurturing to you . like me. love you.
Dedicated to papa and mumma...for being awesome. :D
*hugs*
Except for one tiny community(that i know of) that boasts of no such tradition. Kashmiris. In an age of fast deteriorating values and forgotten languages (when most of us havent ever been to Kashmir and fewer still know the original dialect save food items), we (the 'old-kashmiris') hold on to our deep fried dum-aloos, chaman (paneer), nadaru (lotus stalk), atehru (long danglers that swing from a piercing into the bony part of the ear) and namaskar followed by an embrace (our answer to the touching of feet).
Regardless of sex, age, sexual orientation(?), colour (lily white, pale white, chalk white are the more acceptable ones, the rest of us unfortunate ones linger at the sidelines of the gush-festival) and marital status- we all hug! Depending on your comfort level (and the look in the persons eye) you either go for the full out bear hug, the more gentle lady hug (which started out as a poke at the page 3 crowd and has now started becoming less of a joke. ahem. just 2 pecks per cheek please!), the light tap on the back variety (for relatives approaching their parchment-y 90's) and finally the guy-hug (which girls arent normally able to attempt in bulky lehengas/uncomfortable suits/sultry saris).
The trick behind this intricate gesture, if you're interested, is to flash the 'genuine-smile' at everyone in a 5 km radius and then narrow it down to one familiar face. Move gracefully(or clumsily, if thats more you) towards your target (make sure they're looking AT you) gradually widening the smile by a few inches (yes) and then right before you fall into their arms...be sure to take a deep breath while joining your hands (in what seems like an effortless move) all the time mouthing 'Namaskar' with a huge dollop of enthusiasm- to be followed by 'The hug' (look above for person specific style)...
and that my peeps, is how we hug :) Now it may seem like its a lot of effort but trust you me...all the qualifications you need to pass off as an 'old kahmiri' (ones who've never lived there) is a tendency to like oily food and hug sweetly! Of course there are the more grumpy individuals around as well but they too understand that at the end of the day, we're just preserving the one miniscule thing which we think belongs to us... so we're all humoured :)
Sometimes, even though im in the habit of whining that im a rootless hybrid of a culture that was never really mine and am identity-less in terms of ancestral connections, these small things do cheer me up. I know a lot of people out there dont like their family (immediate and otherwise) and i do accept that we tend to love people because they seem to care for us (plus blood-line link) but when i meet my extended family (2-3rd cousins etc) it feels real good. Like here are some people like me. Hybrids of a rootless culture caught in an identity-warp due to lack of ancestral cultural knowledge. *grins* But really, jokes aside...and bringin on the cliches' ... i feel warm and loved surrounded by them. Thats a feeling that you will rarely find outside your own 'kind' and i feel so blessed to have that.
Thank you mum and dad for bringing me up the way you did which helps me appreciate that all thats good in me has been secretly inculcated by you guys. every seed that has an itsy bitsy part of sense in it owes its birth and nurturing to you . like me. love you.
Dedicated to papa and mumma...for being awesome. :D
*hugs*
Friday, June 27, 2008
entry
Quotable Quotes By - embarrassed friend
'he is SUCH a nimoda'.. (translation-lemon)...it may even make sense
So as a 'regular' update, scared-of-love friend is still treading on path of denial...refuses to accept all the feeling that are brimming inside her... agony-aunt/loving-person pops up and tells her that its okay to be in love, especially when the person loves you too... scared-of-love friend blinks and considers bolting for the metaphorical escape route.
angry-buddy stomps over possibility of a reunion with ex-fling/maybe-someone-special and sticks to her (right) decision. you GO angry-buddy! woohoo!
once-calm-and-composed meets simply-ex and helps him out. Glad that no old (unnecessary) feelings surged up to join the already frothy mess of discontented confusion. as agony-aunt/loving-person tries to be of help, once-calm-and-composed believes it shall all be okay.
agony-aunt/loving person hopes so.
she also prays that this constant strain would ease up and a smile would surface for a breath every once in a while. and not the i-am-nice smile, the i-feel-good one.
lesson- what matters in life is sleep. uninterrupted 8-9 hours of blissful sleep thats been denied for far too long. it improves complexion, mood and take on life (also manners).
ps- funny/non-funny jokes are okay too.
'he is SUCH a nimoda'.. (translation-lemon)...it may even make sense
So as a 'regular' update, scared-of-love friend is still treading on path of denial...refuses to accept all the feeling that are brimming inside her... agony-aunt/loving-person pops up and tells her that its okay to be in love, especially when the person loves you too... scared-of-love friend blinks and considers bolting for the metaphorical escape route.
angry-buddy stomps over possibility of a reunion with ex-fling/maybe-someone-special and sticks to her (right) decision. you GO angry-buddy! woohoo!
once-calm-and-composed meets simply-ex and helps him out. Glad that no old (unnecessary) feelings surged up to join the already frothy mess of discontented confusion. as agony-aunt/loving-person tries to be of help, once-calm-and-composed believes it shall all be okay.
agony-aunt/loving person hopes so.
she also prays that this constant strain would ease up and a smile would surface for a breath every once in a while. and not the i-am-nice smile, the i-feel-good one.
lesson- what matters in life is sleep. uninterrupted 8-9 hours of blissful sleep thats been denied for far too long. it improves complexion, mood and take on life (also manners).
ps- funny/non-funny jokes are okay too.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Someone
There's a person in my life whose got the most wonderful shade of dark chocolate eyes, a fabulous ability to make me feel loved (instantly) and doesnt (ever) mind being hugged. Today i invited her onto my new lime green (very pretty) bedspread (with matching pillows). Nestled between two pillows and on top of one, she stared at me wondering what the hell i was upto. But i just wanted to look at her, thats cuz im worried. She's started prancing around the house with a chew toy in her mouth, leaving it only when she wants to gobble up a random biscuit. The vet says its false pregnancy, hmm. She doesnt want to 'do it' the conventional way (cuz her male companion has been trying for simply ages, always rudely rebuffed) so i thought maybe she was too young. But now, seems like she wants the babies but not the man. Sperm bank and artificial insemination for dogs? Over analysis PERSONIFIED!
But what can one do? When you adopt a pup, its like having a baby. You cant not care! In fact, you care more cuz she cant verbalise her fears and anxieties...so you have to look out for symptoms. *thinks*
In a way, i feel like im in this warped reality series... Am i really thinking like this?
Okay, lets list 7 perfectly 'normal' things that have occured in the last 24 hours
-the cut offs hit a distant star *tadaaaa*
-i got more work to do
-finished 5th season of 'Sex and the City'
-talked to S
-*drumroll* brainstormed ideas with Theatre Society *wheeeeeee*
-started reading a 'nice' book
-wore green
(maybe the last one doesnt count.... ahem)
Let me end with something that sparked in my mind somewhere between episode 6-7th of above mentioned. Why do we always believe all the bad things people say about us?... Random strangers can make our self-worth go for a six and close friends take hours to convince us about our 'great-factor'. A bad comment and we're moping.
New Purpose of Blog- Find what i do wrong, and 'fix' it! :)
Identification and Cure of Mental Blocks!
*cheers*
ps-pic of Mitu, before era of holding toy in mouth....
Whats 'up'?...
This is going to be one quick updatathon (my word) of linking past with present at superhuman (semi-human?) speed-
-Today the cut offs come out for yet another batch that fervently hopes to make it to their desired A list college (DU), i can remember the anxiety that went through me when i had to pore at the list and crane my neck just in time to see it whizz past the roof and touch a distant unreachable star. tsk. i remember feeling inadequate and pretty worthless, defined by the marks i had secured...or rather failed to secure. If i had known what amazing times awaited me then possibly those tears would have dried up faster. (would have still cried cuz frankly people rarely believe that 'this too shall pass' in the middle of a mess!)
-We officially start practice today, Theatre. a word thats responsible for
70% of my growing up
97% of my dirty/torn/rag-resembling clothes
60% of need-to-utilize-time-to-study syndrome
100% of my (constant) outstation trips
69% of my meeting some inspirational people
and a hard to place percentage of my feeling like i can take on the world
and its okay to be who i am (non-drinker, non-smoker, hug-lover...to name a few)
-The place(S) where im interning need me to submit my delegated work by sat night. Hmm.
i would not totally abhor some space to breathe. Even (unrealistic) night-out plans seem to be seeping into my energy reserves. All i really want is 24 hours with no routine except the promotion of laze-away-day. (no workout either..wheeeeee...-not happening i know)
-because of medical evidence that suggests the possibility of harmful radiation from cell phones, am determined to not use it so much. (even with the 10 paisa scheme- *i am strong*)... like mum said, talk when you meet (which happnes practically everyday) and not -at night or on the cell. hmm. its tough being 20 and not gabbing.
-My i-tunes miraculously managed to delete its entire playlist. Here is the fabulous news. Except for a quick cluck, i didnt get mad or annoyed ...at all!!!! i just rubbed my sleep filled eyes and got around to arranging a new playlist (over 500 songs currently, need more time to find more hidden folders in obscure parts of my PC..) and casually telling myself that this time it would be a better one. Sooooo cool! i really like! :)
So i shall end on a happy note! and with a whole lotta smiles around!
Total Sunshine Mode!
Toodleeees!
-Today the cut offs come out for yet another batch that fervently hopes to make it to their desired A list college (DU), i can remember the anxiety that went through me when i had to pore at the list and crane my neck just in time to see it whizz past the roof and touch a distant unreachable star. tsk. i remember feeling inadequate and pretty worthless, defined by the marks i had secured...or rather failed to secure. If i had known what amazing times awaited me then possibly those tears would have dried up faster. (would have still cried cuz frankly people rarely believe that 'this too shall pass' in the middle of a mess!)
-We officially start practice today, Theatre. a word thats responsible for
70% of my growing up
97% of my dirty/torn/rag-resembling clothes
60% of need-to-utilize-time-to-study syndrome
100% of my (constant) outstation trips
69% of my meeting some inspirational people
and a hard to place percentage of my feeling like i can take on the world
and its okay to be who i am (non-drinker, non-smoker, hug-lover...to name a few)
-The place(S) where im interning need me to submit my delegated work by sat night. Hmm.
i would not totally abhor some space to breathe. Even (unrealistic) night-out plans seem to be seeping into my energy reserves. All i really want is 24 hours with no routine except the promotion of laze-away-day. (no workout either..wheeeeee...-not happening i know)
-because of medical evidence that suggests the possibility of harmful radiation from cell phones, am determined to not use it so much. (even with the 10 paisa scheme- *i am strong*)... like mum said, talk when you meet (which happnes practically everyday) and not -at night or on the cell. hmm. its tough being 20 and not gabbing.
-My i-tunes miraculously managed to delete its entire playlist. Here is the fabulous news. Except for a quick cluck, i didnt get mad or annoyed ...at all!!!! i just rubbed my sleep filled eyes and got around to arranging a new playlist (over 500 songs currently, need more time to find more hidden folders in obscure parts of my PC..) and casually telling myself that this time it would be a better one. Sooooo cool! i really like! :)
So i shall end on a happy note! and with a whole lotta smiles around!
Total Sunshine Mode!
Toodleeees!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
and i Chirp again
So im talking to V-kid yday (who is a bit of an intelligent donkey) and suddenly reiki pops up in from absolutely nowhere and im (unwillingly)drawn into discussing the procedure. Why unwillingly? Cuz i dislike talking about faith in particular when the person im talking to simply wants to score grey-matter points by pointing out the loopholes in the theory (faith hence keep some small miniscule proportion of faith!)..
He would be your typical once satanist (which he now laughs off as immaturity) now stable atheist plus medicine student. Hmm. Maybe not that typical. So i get suckered into the discussion and (predictably) halfway through my hackles are itching to rise up and inform me of their volatile feelings. A few posts dismissing reiki (that he thoughtfully found online and posted for my benefit) later, i try and steer the conversation on less controversial lines. Maybe peanut butter craze, chocolate addiction camps, man on moon theory i muse but before i can repeat the mantra of 'live and let live' he comes dangerously close to launching a full blown attack on everything i have begun to consider essential. Reiki and i are at that fragile stage when we're making tentative moves towards each other, always alert to sounds that may disrupt our shaking hands (hmm..or a hug maybe)
So i really didnt wanna talk to a cynic. no, i am not closing my mind to reality or promoting ignorance/blind faith... i believe in some things based on sense, potential to help, instinct and sometimes a little tangible evidence (to silence the critic in me)...so far, its lived up to all these parameters but i wasnt too sure it could withstand an all out war of a gabillion (?) years of research which focussed purely on destabalising alternate therapies. Ironically how i managed to keep my cool was because of reiki (you just become a calmer person) and we (slowly) trampled happily on other areas of dissent. (he think humans are a ripe mix of homonids and alien life forms based on our intellect developing far too quickly. i say define 'aliens'. arent we ALL aliens to someone? i think i lost my ability to argue halfway through though. he cited the pyramids as an example to reiterate his point and i feebly pointed out the mummies as a reinforcement of his view...it is something to consider)
So finally, what do i believe in?
Frankly, at the risk of sounding totally unreal..i believe that there are multiple ways of reaching the same destination...i believe the destination to be peace and joy.... believe in a superpower/god/energy/universe that looks out for us..that you should do, think and feel good plus you can never go wrong with that..worst case you'll end up being a 'good' person, hardly something to boo-hoo over...i believe in the right of others to not believe what i think..but i also believe in expecting the same respect i give their interpretation of life...that, thanks to paulo coelho and brian weiss plus family and drawing room conversations, if you really want something...eventually it will come to you...how it isnt that hard to be 'good' or feel happy... i believe we're all blessed with the ability to invite fortune into our lives at any given point..
allow yourself to believe in something...it heals your wounded soul...
trust you me :)
He would be your typical once satanist (which he now laughs off as immaturity) now stable atheist plus medicine student. Hmm. Maybe not that typical. So i get suckered into the discussion and (predictably) halfway through my hackles are itching to rise up and inform me of their volatile feelings. A few posts dismissing reiki (that he thoughtfully found online and posted for my benefit) later, i try and steer the conversation on less controversial lines. Maybe peanut butter craze, chocolate addiction camps, man on moon theory i muse but before i can repeat the mantra of 'live and let live' he comes dangerously close to launching a full blown attack on everything i have begun to consider essential. Reiki and i are at that fragile stage when we're making tentative moves towards each other, always alert to sounds that may disrupt our shaking hands (hmm..or a hug maybe)
So i really didnt wanna talk to a cynic. no, i am not closing my mind to reality or promoting ignorance/blind faith... i believe in some things based on sense, potential to help, instinct and sometimes a little tangible evidence (to silence the critic in me)...so far, its lived up to all these parameters but i wasnt too sure it could withstand an all out war of a gabillion (?) years of research which focussed purely on destabalising alternate therapies. Ironically how i managed to keep my cool was because of reiki (you just become a calmer person) and we (slowly) trampled happily on other areas of dissent. (he think humans are a ripe mix of homonids and alien life forms based on our intellect developing far too quickly. i say define 'aliens'. arent we ALL aliens to someone? i think i lost my ability to argue halfway through though. he cited the pyramids as an example to reiterate his point and i feebly pointed out the mummies as a reinforcement of his view...it is something to consider)
So finally, what do i believe in?
Frankly, at the risk of sounding totally unreal..i believe that there are multiple ways of reaching the same destination...i believe the destination to be peace and joy.... believe in a superpower/god/energy/universe that looks out for us..that you should do, think and feel good plus you can never go wrong with that..worst case you'll end up being a 'good' person, hardly something to boo-hoo over...i believe in the right of others to not believe what i think..but i also believe in expecting the same respect i give their interpretation of life...that, thanks to paulo coelho and brian weiss plus family and drawing room conversations, if you really want something...eventually it will come to you...how it isnt that hard to be 'good' or feel happy... i believe we're all blessed with the ability to invite fortune into our lives at any given point..
allow yourself to believe in something...it heals your wounded soul...
trust you me :)
Welcome to the age of Enlightenment
Dedicated to the discovery that people who aren't that close to you can suddenly turn out to be your 'mirror images'.
Jan last year, while caught in the middle of yet another terribly long (presumably boring) play, scary older person and i were talking gibberish (inappropriately timed). When suddenly the topic of discussion shifted to boys (not very predictable for the both of us) and how was it that she wasn't with someone. (cuz i knew she wanted to be). I guess she figured it would be too much of a bother to yawn her way through a semi-lie so she decided to tell me things as they were. She had no idea. She was intelligent, pretty and frankly awesome as a person (warm et al.) and was also boyfriend-less for the majority of her 20 years (not counting a fling she regretted). Why i wondered aloud? She shrugged her shoulders and slumped back to say that maybe she scared them. No i rationalised, you only scared me because of the not-too-traumatic first day ragging and the fact that you're an awesome actress (yes, she really was and probably is- no unnecessary flattery). Then the talk shifted to what she did want and it turned out to be the exact thing i did. (yeah, not too original of me there..peep)...It was a nice mixture of the chivalrous and non-patriarchal, who would open doors..help with the luggage..out of a sense of 'i should' rather than 'i must because she's so fragile she cant handle it'...respect along with the impulse to help.. for those interested. Post that we were quick to declare our lives as running on parallel lines and formed a bond thats never needed an explanation (but which made me travel bout a gazillion miles to her house after a 17 hour work schedule and no sleep in 2 days...to surprise her on her bday. yes, i do that for people i really like..or people who will appreciate it..:)..)..
My hidden point being that when other older intelligent person talked to me (for those 10 mins before we both dozed off) she too said the same thing in a different way. Something about one particular guy (who shall remained unnamed in order to prevent any more complications) not being comfortable with the idea of dating someone too 'strong'. Is that really true? That some people get so carried away by their fear that they would willingly give up on someone who they're attracted to for deeper reasons? Does this fear serve a better purpose...is it a way of warning us away for our 'own good' because life, in its own mysterious way, KNOWS that nobody would be happy in a relationship like that. where the squabbles would take over the fantastic 'connection' and lead to everything disintegrating intp this muddly pile of 'i wish i hadn't' and 'if only we could go back in time'...?
In my current (blissful) state of loving life (even when its uncomfortable) and treating it like a new pair of sandals (that you need to 'break into' and cross that stage of it cutting into your foot)...am determined to take it all (absolutely everything) in the spirit of learning... the decisions that time proves 'right' and even ones that it doesn't. I cant deny that some people aren't that open to screwing up (i think S and i would agree that its a way to experience and learn) but its not for the thrill of having to say sorry that we did it...its in the hope that it might just 'work out'...the fear of failing should never really stop you from trying in the first place (as people have been known to say)... I feel positively elated and more so because there isnt really this concrete reason for me to feel this way... That tells me that i may just hold onto this feeling for a longer time... :D
ps- S, you're on the 'right' track, and i got your back if you wanna do things differently.
(btw by 'screwing up' i obviously did not mean deliberately jamming your hand in a grater or something but trying to work on stuff that has some glimmer of a possibility to actually help you. Just clarifying! :D)
ps2-Kenye West...Stronger...(old track. nice track. very very nice track.)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
New
"Here i am
This is me
Theres nowhere else on earth
i'd rather be..."
Thats what life is about. When you start filtering life to include only the good in what you let affect you then you're probably allowing more joy to enter your life.
I no longer want someone to sit on their computer and read the words i write. Absolutely no one.
Its almost too easy to want to need someone (not only this in this one context) and if you really think about it- we already have most of what we really want but its just comes to us looking a littel different. If you want a story with humour, dont always expect an Archie or 'Crack up while you read' (fictional title) to fall into your lap...you may be handed a Wodehouse and even learn to enjoy that..never completely realizing that you've got what you wanted. its been in your hand all along... One night after a talk with 'intelligent older person' i realized that what you crave from life may be already a part of your life. Good conversation, incredible friends, smart co-workers, inspiring individuals have all been a part of my mundane routine for so long that ive actually been overlooking them! How ridiculously inappropriate. Brains, inclination, a reasonably fit heart, an inquiring mind, inspired spiritual living have also been present for a good part of these 20 years (there were phases when sense was temporarily under construction though).
All that we think we're missing is that societal 'tag'.
And if you still feel like there is someone out there that you ought to be with and he/she is completely oblivious to yur revelation, consider the possibility that you're mistaken and give life a break! like someone real smart commented not too long ago..focus on other things. The other wonderful things you could be doing. In fact, at the risk of being though a plagiarist i recall that over 2 years ago i gave someone the exact same advice. She was older but not much wiser. I demanded that she explore her own potential before she went around linking yet another person to herself (like an incredibly expensive mini clutch bag)..she didnt listen and i thought the last 2 years had been enough time to 'get' who i am. But today i think i'll disagree. No one really knows what they're doing (not for too long anyway) and all we can do is keep our feet on the ground..our head held high..our shoulders in their 'right' posture...face the world with a smile and do what feels good and gives us joy. period.
ps-New Delhi isn't New York but it too allows you to be whoever it is that you really are. No exceptions.
This is me
Theres nowhere else on earth
i'd rather be..."
Thats what life is about. When you start filtering life to include only the good in what you let affect you then you're probably allowing more joy to enter your life.
I no longer want someone to sit on their computer and read the words i write. Absolutely no one.
Its almost too easy to want to need someone (not only this in this one context) and if you really think about it- we already have most of what we really want but its just comes to us looking a littel different. If you want a story with humour, dont always expect an Archie or 'Crack up while you read' (fictional title) to fall into your lap...you may be handed a Wodehouse and even learn to enjoy that..never completely realizing that you've got what you wanted. its been in your hand all along... One night after a talk with 'intelligent older person' i realized that what you crave from life may be already a part of your life. Good conversation, incredible friends, smart co-workers, inspiring individuals have all been a part of my mundane routine for so long that ive actually been overlooking them! How ridiculously inappropriate. Brains, inclination, a reasonably fit heart, an inquiring mind, inspired spiritual living have also been present for a good part of these 20 years (there were phases when sense was temporarily under construction though).
All that we think we're missing is that societal 'tag'.
And if you still feel like there is someone out there that you ought to be with and he/she is completely oblivious to yur revelation, consider the possibility that you're mistaken and give life a break! like someone real smart commented not too long ago..focus on other things. The other wonderful things you could be doing. In fact, at the risk of being though a plagiarist i recall that over 2 years ago i gave someone the exact same advice. She was older but not much wiser. I demanded that she explore her own potential before she went around linking yet another person to herself (like an incredibly expensive mini clutch bag)..she didnt listen and i thought the last 2 years had been enough time to 'get' who i am. But today i think i'll disagree. No one really knows what they're doing (not for too long anyway) and all we can do is keep our feet on the ground..our head held high..our shoulders in their 'right' posture...face the world with a smile and do what feels good and gives us joy. period.
ps-New Delhi isn't New York but it too allows you to be whoever it is that you really are. No exceptions.
Monday, June 23, 2008
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
So what exactly do friends do?
I mean apart from holding your heaving shoulders, passing the nachos, catching up for movies, not hating you when you're a bitch, 3 hour conversations, dream-sharing, ridiculous dream-sharing, sarcastic comments passing, correcting, crush dissecting, b'day gift uh gifting, loving and all the rest of it. I mean APART from above... What do friends really do?
Do they change us as a person over a long period of time...do you start judging people on THEIR parameters?...Do you start thinking of yourself like an 'us'- a play on the modern day single brigade relationship? Do you let them filter in far more than you can ever realize???
Yesterday may have shown me a side-effect of great friendship on the more obvious short-term effect scale...they give you balls.
S and Pugsie were together. Pranks, of course were inevitable. But somehow the league in which we played suddenly went up (like the stock market a few months ago)...and this huge tide of confidence (with some very good dramatic skills) took us way beyond what was expected.
(got a call right now and it suddenly appears that standing up for a friend can also make some things a lil messy, esp when other people dont spell out what they've been up to publically...considering the past one would think that i would have learnt but i guess that stick-up-for-friend gene never goes away-just becomes dormant. a blessing or a curse. i may learn someday.)...
you know, that whole 'lets be positive thing' is forcing me to be nice. argh. i hate the fact that i feel bad about being mean (if only in a joke) bla.
sniffs
I mean apart from holding your heaving shoulders, passing the nachos, catching up for movies, not hating you when you're a bitch, 3 hour conversations, dream-sharing, ridiculous dream-sharing, sarcastic comments passing, correcting, crush dissecting, b'day gift uh gifting, loving and all the rest of it. I mean APART from above... What do friends really do?
Do they change us as a person over a long period of time...do you start judging people on THEIR parameters?...Do you start thinking of yourself like an 'us'- a play on the modern day single brigade relationship? Do you let them filter in far more than you can ever realize???
Yesterday may have shown me a side-effect of great friendship on the more obvious short-term effect scale...they give you balls.
S and Pugsie were together. Pranks, of course were inevitable. But somehow the league in which we played suddenly went up (like the stock market a few months ago)...and this huge tide of confidence (with some very good dramatic skills) took us way beyond what was expected.
(got a call right now and it suddenly appears that standing up for a friend can also make some things a lil messy, esp when other people dont spell out what they've been up to publically...considering the past one would think that i would have learnt but i guess that stick-up-for-friend gene never goes away-just becomes dormant. a blessing or a curse. i may learn someday.)...
you know, that whole 'lets be positive thing' is forcing me to be nice. argh. i hate the fact that i feel bad about being mean (if only in a joke) bla.
sniffs
FYI-We're together
S and Pugsie's Thoughts
"Even if we're scared to know the answer, we'de never not ask the question."
Post prank playing and some dvd watching.
Random sleepovers are fun! (we love our mums and our new 'nun' bags!)
ps-my nails smell like 'bubblegum' (guess who this is)
Note:no prizes for correct answers
"Even if we're scared to know the answer, we'de never not ask the question."
Post prank playing and some dvd watching.
Random sleepovers are fun! (we love our mums and our new 'nun' bags!)
ps-my nails smell like 'bubblegum' (guess who this is)
Note:no prizes for correct answers
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Whats 'up'?
Not totally looking forward to the 2nd 8 hour lecture session.
Got a call yday that spelt the formal demise of a long dead relationship
How unusual that it no longer matters and perhaps its for the best (as all cliche's propagate) The ring carefully settled on the right hand seems a bit powdery sparkly (wonder if lucky stones work) an invitation to join one person i 'know' another i used to 'know' and 2 others ive never bothered to 'know' has been rejected (mentally)
for 2 others apart from the above 4 didnt bother to make that polite call
texted bestie with message that numb-brain wanted to send to daf, a few monosyllabic replies later i had the answer i knew all along -"dont"
also duh!
if only there was an easy way to make life sweet... like a quick spray of 'zeroone' and we all come out smelling like alcohol fruity
which reminds me, an article said that being too rigid in terms of diet control can lead to your
mind 'rebelling' and paves the way to mood swings and anxiety disorders
really? so even controlling the mind isnt will power anymore
a good example of too much time on the hands of people who want to freak me out
i left 1) chicken (and all non-veg options except eggs..for those who care)
2)chocolates (and all forms of cocoa production, including eclairs)
3)fatty foods (excepts occasional chips consumption, say a day in a week)
4)dal (but thats just a current fad, its been substituted with tomato juice)
5)khakra (well not totally)
6)maggie (sniff)
and on that note, i say bye
*weird*
Not totally looking forward to the 2nd 8 hour lecture session.
Got a call yday that spelt the formal demise of a long dead relationship
How unusual that it no longer matters and perhaps its for the best (as all cliche's propagate) The ring carefully settled on the right hand seems a bit powdery sparkly (wonder if lucky stones work) an invitation to join one person i 'know' another i used to 'know' and 2 others ive never bothered to 'know' has been rejected (mentally)
for 2 others apart from the above 4 didnt bother to make that polite call
texted bestie with message that numb-brain wanted to send to daf, a few monosyllabic replies later i had the answer i knew all along -"dont"
also duh!
if only there was an easy way to make life sweet... like a quick spray of 'zeroone' and we all come out smelling like alcohol fruity
which reminds me, an article said that being too rigid in terms of diet control can lead to your
mind 'rebelling' and paves the way to mood swings and anxiety disorders
really? so even controlling the mind isnt will power anymore
a good example of too much time on the hands of people who want to freak me out
i left 1) chicken (and all non-veg options except eggs..for those who care)
2)chocolates (and all forms of cocoa production, including eclairs)
3)fatty foods (excepts occasional chips consumption, say a day in a week)
4)dal (but thats just a current fad, its been substituted with tomato juice)
5)khakra (well not totally)
6)maggie (sniff)
and on that note, i say bye
*weird*
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Knowing not when to be afraid
unaware of dangers strange
thoughts drift in ways incomplete
imagination slips in with a sleeping pill
reason then drugged, falls on a lap
In a twisted haze of delirium
thoughts flit in futile and mercenary
through eyes filled with sleep
and blinks cutting in
with the mind caught
in a malicious time warp
escape is impossibly far away
and mistakes inevitably close
unaware of dangers strange
thoughts drift in ways incomplete
imagination slips in with a sleeping pill
reason then drugged, falls on a lap
In a twisted haze of delirium
thoughts flit in futile and mercenary
through eyes filled with sleep
and blinks cutting in
with the mind caught
in a malicious time warp
escape is impossibly far away
and mistakes inevitably close
Friday, June 20, 2008
What's strange is...
What's really STRANGE is
-How Madonna's song '4 mins' lasts just about 3.10 mins. (maybe i have a weird version)
-How Sw can be massively in love (okay not the lets marry love but 20 year old love love) and not wanna talk about it!
-How extremely CUTE curly hair is. AND grunge crunch looks. (aw.w.w.w.w)
-How writing is what i love but sometimes it just doesnt come (like come come)
-How well ive adapted to my half-purple half-pink vp and d*b notebook (:D)
-How i came on TV today and everyone else saw me but me. :(
-How much i can obsess over dal and munch happily on khakra.
-How i think if somethings not tasty then its gotta be healthy (NOT TRUE...weird favor khakra NOT healthy!)
-How great life becomes after ive taken a walk (just before i realise i have TONS of work to get through)
-How i really wanna read but have NO time. (how??)
-How jam packed my schedule is and how im double booked (how??)
-How insecure my dog is (hasn't let go of her chew toy for 4 days now. bit much now.)
-How blantantly secure other dog is (males hmmpf. insensitive. typical.)
-How people keep drifting towards the 'wrong' guy (its almost like you're dating the same person over and over again. very 'Halfway House'. different masks same person. ie. jerk)
-How i dont like lauki (probably cuz its healthy and 'good for me'.)
-How i dont miss chocolate as much as i thought i would!!!!!
-How good getting a d*b mug makes me feel. :D
-How nice it is to have random (unknown to other person) crushes. (curly hair and grunge looks are to blame. yum.)
-How great it feels to be single in the city.
-How at the age of 7 an uncle said i was very attentive (cuz i noticed some creepers on a tree while walking with grandad) and no ones ever said that to me after that.
-How today it took me almost a whole minute to register that a man was stark naked in front of me (as i was walking in the eveing-ish and he was in front of me!!!!)...of course i promptly turned around and ran for it (rather from it but thats probably why no one calls me attentive anymore..an ipod numbs my brains and attention paying gland)
-How i totally forgot that i saw a random man walking naked near my colony till just now (no, its NOT normal.)
-How clear our perception is of others but cloudy of our own (though we spend most of our time with ourselves....except out-of-body experiences of course...joke.)
-How only i think my jokes are funny
-How my blog posts are abnormally large even though i really didn't have much to say in the first place.
-How i love/like life even when its messed up (so messy you can't make out the reds from the pinks on the hard canvas.)
-How i really like what i write (almost always), and thats the one time popular opinion really does not matter :)
-How Madonna's song '4 mins' lasts just about 3.10 mins. (maybe i have a weird version)
-How Sw can be massively in love (okay not the lets marry love but 20 year old love love) and not wanna talk about it!
-How extremely CUTE curly hair is. AND grunge crunch looks. (aw.w.w.w.w)
-How writing is what i love but sometimes it just doesnt come (like come come)
-How well ive adapted to my half-purple half-pink vp and d*b notebook (:D)
-How i came on TV today and everyone else saw me but me. :(
-How much i can obsess over dal and munch happily on khakra.
-How i think if somethings not tasty then its gotta be healthy (NOT TRUE...weird favor khakra NOT healthy!)
-How great life becomes after ive taken a walk (just before i realise i have TONS of work to get through)
-How i really wanna read but have NO time. (how??)
-How jam packed my schedule is and how im double booked (how??)
-How insecure my dog is (hasn't let go of her chew toy for 4 days now. bit much now.)
-How blantantly secure other dog is (males hmmpf. insensitive. typical.)
-How people keep drifting towards the 'wrong' guy (its almost like you're dating the same person over and over again. very 'Halfway House'. different masks same person. ie. jerk)
-How i dont like lauki (probably cuz its healthy and 'good for me'.)
-How i dont miss chocolate as much as i thought i would!!!!!
-How good getting a d*b mug makes me feel. :D
-How nice it is to have random (unknown to other person) crushes. (curly hair and grunge looks are to blame. yum.)
-How great it feels to be single in the city.
-How at the age of 7 an uncle said i was very attentive (cuz i noticed some creepers on a tree while walking with grandad) and no ones ever said that to me after that.
-How today it took me almost a whole minute to register that a man was stark naked in front of me (as i was walking in the eveing-ish and he was in front of me!!!!)...of course i promptly turned around and ran for it (rather from it but thats probably why no one calls me attentive anymore..an ipod numbs my brains and attention paying gland)
-How i totally forgot that i saw a random man walking naked near my colony till just now (no, its NOT normal.)
-How clear our perception is of others but cloudy of our own (though we spend most of our time with ourselves....except out-of-body experiences of course...joke.)
-How only i think my jokes are funny
-How my blog posts are abnormally large even though i really didn't have much to say in the first place.
-How i love/like life even when its messed up (so messy you can't make out the reds from the pinks on the hard canvas.)
-How i really like what i write (almost always), and thats the one time popular opinion really does not matter :)
Of Life
New Mission in Life- Get over with about a million articles and not mope around (OR have random crushes).
That sums up the last few days. Finally spent night at Funtiz. V and S(nA) watched Andaaz Apna Apna while i dozed off round midnight. S(nA) knew ALL the dialogues. Seriously! I could not love her more! (always wonder where i'll EVER find people like V and S(nA) and funt AGAIN..i mean people im SO comfortable with that i can randomly kiss/cuddle/fall in lap of when my mood demands and all the reaction i'll get is a pause as they make place!!!)...It wasn't one of those wild ones but we managed to catch up with M, M-tree and T-nya over momos and near fish market (saw dead/alive/almost-dead fish and didnt feel a thing. maybe a weird kinda fascination. no revulsion, even though im veg. strange right?)
Later that night, when S(nA) and moi went rushing into the park (very very pak trip reminiscent) and clambered on to swings meant for 8 year olds (stuffing our bums in tiny metal seats and whirling around like mad......fun!)...of course we ran into V's friend and promptly ignored him in our dash-around-park :D
Sometimes, i love to be a kid. 20 going on 2. (until the adolescent hormones kick in, making me like curly mops and grunge looks based on semi-impressive conversations..hmm)
have surrounded self with everything but what i really want and people i really wanna be with.
Guess am abstaning from more than chocolate (only this would be a longer fast and for mental health...am not even sure WHO im talkin about anymore!)... I think rather than predicting love trends for an entire generation (like carrie), am more of less stuck on my own. Narcissism or just a need to decrypt self for an easier existence.. that, i'll never know.
God, im such a hypocrite. Just told lovestruck-friend that 'its not an end till its happy' and that she must hold on to her romance, cuz' 'true love' will happen. Its so much easier to predict happiness (in the conventional sense) for someone else ...for eg, i know without a shadaow of a doubt that Sw will be SUPER happy when R comes back and they'll be those amazing couples who are nice to everyone but have this alternate secret universe where they prance around...aww...its such a great phase and i know they REALLY like each other...wish she would enjoy it more.(i know she wants to)
S and moi are in the same place. (no explanations needed. ever)
I wonder really what its like to not worry or wonder or think or just not write about what i think.
Its extraordinary how very argh inducing life is. Oh, today we very nearly made a plan to go to Pune....bike rides...train journey...an adventure. Unfortunately we clean forgot about legal problems when you need to transfer tickets...(Which you cant legally do). SO tomorrow the three of them leave and i can text them gbye! :) By the end of this day i can easily say im
tired
a little sad
somewhat happy
head-achy
blink-prone
a drop optimistic
hazy
The End
(If this post is the last i ever write, due to circumstances beyond my control, i think the picture that i painted of life is a little darker than it need strictly be. But after all, i live for drama and it does run in my veins.)
:D
That sums up the last few days. Finally spent night at Funtiz. V and S(nA) watched Andaaz Apna Apna while i dozed off round midnight. S(nA) knew ALL the dialogues. Seriously! I could not love her more! (always wonder where i'll EVER find people like V and S(nA) and funt AGAIN..i mean people im SO comfortable with that i can randomly kiss/cuddle/fall in lap of when my mood demands and all the reaction i'll get is a pause as they make place!!!)...It wasn't one of those wild ones but we managed to catch up with M, M-tree and T-nya over momos and near fish market (saw dead/alive/almost-dead fish and didnt feel a thing. maybe a weird kinda fascination. no revulsion, even though im veg. strange right?)
Later that night, when S(nA) and moi went rushing into the park (very very pak trip reminiscent) and clambered on to swings meant for 8 year olds (stuffing our bums in tiny metal seats and whirling around like mad......fun!)...of course we ran into V's friend and promptly ignored him in our dash-around-park :D
Sometimes, i love to be a kid. 20 going on 2. (until the adolescent hormones kick in, making me like curly mops and grunge looks based on semi-impressive conversations..hmm)
have surrounded self with everything but what i really want and people i really wanna be with.
Guess am abstaning from more than chocolate (only this would be a longer fast and for mental health...am not even sure WHO im talkin about anymore!)... I think rather than predicting love trends for an entire generation (like carrie), am more of less stuck on my own. Narcissism or just a need to decrypt self for an easier existence.. that, i'll never know.
God, im such a hypocrite. Just told lovestruck-friend that 'its not an end till its happy' and that she must hold on to her romance, cuz' 'true love' will happen. Its so much easier to predict happiness (in the conventional sense) for someone else ...for eg, i know without a shadaow of a doubt that Sw will be SUPER happy when R comes back and they'll be those amazing couples who are nice to everyone but have this alternate secret universe where they prance around...aww...its such a great phase and i know they REALLY like each other...wish she would enjoy it more.(i know she wants to)
S and moi are in the same place. (no explanations needed. ever)
I wonder really what its like to not worry or wonder or think or just not write about what i think.
Its extraordinary how very argh inducing life is. Oh, today we very nearly made a plan to go to Pune....bike rides...train journey...an adventure. Unfortunately we clean forgot about legal problems when you need to transfer tickets...(Which you cant legally do). SO tomorrow the three of them leave and i can text them gbye! :) By the end of this day i can easily say im
tired
a little sad
somewhat happy
head-achy
blink-prone
a drop optimistic
hazy
The End
(If this post is the last i ever write, due to circumstances beyond my control, i think the picture that i painted of life is a little darker than it need strictly be. But after all, i live for drama and it does run in my veins.)
:D
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The ape that squished
It was an average day out+in for S and moi (whining..food..chick sitcom...wild discussions..lame jokes and sugarfree blueberry cheesecake+water)...When we're casually strolling along the more posh of Delhi markets and laughing at year old jokes and random remarks..Now S is one of the few people of my acquaintance who does more than just tolerate my fascination for book stores (and parchment(y) smell of the old books..sadly you rarely find the musty dust infested ones nowdays...more like your coffee and hardbound 'pretty' type), she shares it and as we both eagerly reached for the thin glass door that seperated us from what we both desired (the joy of rummaging through chick-lits and joyfully comparing notes and sharing opinions on the stuff we would never buy)...when out of nowhere this white hand pops up and like the miracle that it was, opened the door for us (me me me me me first!) and allowed us to enter first (though white hand plus body was there before yours truly plus friend).....ahh call me swooning and you wont exaggerate....it wasnt just chivalry or the polite duty of a doorman...that tiny gesture spoke volumes bout the f-w-m-m-s-a-b-s (firang who made me simle and beam secretly)....ohlalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaa....all that feminism and construction of patriarchal gestures flew out of the window like a squishy banana thats been stepped on by a 500 kg ape (dont ask)...
all i could do was stop myself from taking a twirl right that very second...now, it wasnt just about 'ah lemme be nice to cute girls' or 'lets help out girls who are too weak to open a door'..it was sweet and considerate and probably done out of a reflexive sense of being cultured......ahhh...
love love love love love
now i have nothing (majorly) against Indian guys, but even when (some) of my male friends do indulge in the random act of chivalry its with the INTENT of chivalry pasted all over their face (read SMUG)..like, im gonna do this to 'impress the chicks' feel...Unfortunately, the only reflex present in em' is to probably not scratch themselves in public (at least thats the intention)...
When can men start to look at women with that air of 'ah this is a rosebud that i must adore, revere, respect, cherish and never take for granted'...or am i asking for too much?
Frankly, that gesture was amazing and S and i, both, could have caught hold of his lapels (if he had any) and hopped behind him for eternity (alrigh, slight exaggeration)...but it was perfect...
when i articulate ALL of the MASSIVE expectations i have from men ..the truth simply is that all it takes is one action that feels 'right'....and all that clear thinking ambitious logic flies outta the window, like you guessed it...the squishy banana thats been stepped on by a 500 kg ape. :)
all i could do was stop myself from taking a twirl right that very second...now, it wasnt just about 'ah lemme be nice to cute girls' or 'lets help out girls who are too weak to open a door'..it was sweet and considerate and probably done out of a reflexive sense of being cultured......ahhh...
love love love love love
now i have nothing (majorly) against Indian guys, but even when (some) of my male friends do indulge in the random act of chivalry its with the INTENT of chivalry pasted all over their face (read SMUG)..like, im gonna do this to 'impress the chicks' feel...Unfortunately, the only reflex present in em' is to probably not scratch themselves in public (at least thats the intention)...
When can men start to look at women with that air of 'ah this is a rosebud that i must adore, revere, respect, cherish and never take for granted'...or am i asking for too much?
Frankly, that gesture was amazing and S and i, both, could have caught hold of his lapels (if he had any) and hopped behind him for eternity (alrigh, slight exaggeration)...but it was perfect...
when i articulate ALL of the MASSIVE expectations i have from men ..the truth simply is that all it takes is one action that feels 'right'....and all that clear thinking ambitious logic flies outta the window, like you guessed it...the squishy banana thats been stepped on by a 500 kg ape. :)
Monday, June 16, 2008
2nd Season
After having exposed myself to the entire 2nd season of 'Sex and the City' (today), i am almost compelled to find parallels in real life. Dbabe, S, Sw and Moi are normally it. The four 'it' who stick together through thick..thin..fat-days..great hair days...depressed days..over-the-top happy days and plain old boring days. We all have unconsciously managed to hit it off as a group and as individuals in the pursuit of only god knows what. So while watching episode after episode of the drama (18 in all), i couldnt help but think i was the most like Carrie. She's a columnist with a healthy semi-balanced look at love. Not over the top romantic or too into the physical stuff. Shes just your regular girl (with better shoes) who likes to talk about her day (and is paid to write!) and some of the experiences that frame her environment (primarily sex and pre plus post behaviour)Till about a week ago i had only seen some stray episodes of the sitcom (is that the term?) and had some vague recollections of them but now, its almost like its gripped me. Miranda, the one who cribs about the obsession with men and gets just like that once in a while, is pretty Dbabe (who i told immediately).. Charlotte of course is the more promiscuous version of Sw...the one who wants her love and marriage and the glossy kids (smile Sw, its not a BAD thing!)...while the only person who i think really tied with me would be S. (so predictable)...I guess i cant really categorise...in fact, theres a little bit of us in all the women and thats probably why the empathy factor worked wonders for its popularity. Im sure the four basic stereotypes chosen are breathing in some small way in each part of our life. It could be in the cousins we dont like, our best friends, the girl next door or simply, in us. We can probably all imagine some part of us wanting to act the way they did (do?) if we were in the same circumstances (including the lack of societal pressure to be virgins for life..as is inculcated in all of us from birth). But my question, or rather random thought, is ..how much of an impact does exposure to thing kind of lifestyle have? Is the moral police really accurate? Do our values become more libertine when we see other people behaving in a way that would have SEEMED inappropriate before such exposure? I think, to some extent, whatever you think, hear, experience affects who you are... so if you delve into european history then probably it'll have some effect on you as will watching all 7 seasons of a sitcom thats known for the adventurous and sexually active nature of its lead characters. So do i care? Not really. Am i going to keep watching it? Duh. And what have i learnt today?
Some people (including me) carry books around with them as armour... in case, we're ever caught alone. Lets be vulnerable like Carrie, go and eat alone somewhere. No books...no music and no armours. Lets experience the world and not be scared to be alone.
ps-finally ran out of things to talk about with rex, well it had to happen someday considering a pig and a beetle have more in common. hmm. bla
Some people (including me) carry books around with them as armour... in case, we're ever caught alone. Lets be vulnerable like Carrie, go and eat alone somewhere. No books...no music and no armours. Lets experience the world and not be scared to be alone.
ps-finally ran out of things to talk about with rex, well it had to happen someday considering a pig and a beetle have more in common. hmm. bla
Personal Quandary
words can be few
but thoughts many
caught in a conundrum
a predicament heavy
someone speaks up
heard just barely
articulation so soft
a pin would seem, far too loud
farewell to plans
and dreams incomplete
inaction is embraced
as surprises met plenty
but thoughts many
caught in a conundrum
a predicament heavy
someone speaks up
heard just barely
articulation so soft
a pin would seem, far too loud
farewell to plans
and dreams incomplete
inaction is embraced
as surprises met plenty
Sunday, June 15, 2008
the rebel
When it comes right down to it. there is nothing you can really do. the trips off. and its all over. yes, you can cry and threaten to never forgive life(so much for feeling like an adult) but other than the more emotional of ourbursts (which are great for later use in stage plays) there is nothing really to be said. okay, the weathers bad and salty liquid flows out of eyes like the downpour that is outside. adventurous people become cowards and all you can do is cry some more. its one of the most helpless times of my entire life. so bland yet so true. its not about this one trip, it never is. life of course does move on. but i think it'll take me some time to get over this feeling of frustrated .. helplessness. i, who pride myself on my spirit and independant streak, can do nothing. absolutely nothing. cant even drive around aimlessly like elder sis. not proficient enough to be allowed alone. all thats left is heavy sobbing and a locked room with constant taps at the keyboard. sniffling is so childish and even more inevitable. totally lack that resilient spirit that characterizes many. very weak. very stubborn. very very helpless. everything was so perfectly planned. the tickets, clothes, day outfits, night clothes, entertainment, diet plan, 75000 essentials and of course the more precious dreams. hopes. expectations would be most accurate. washed away with the cloud burst in dharamshala. whipped outta sight and dragged in the mud with the landslides in dharamshala. swallowed up whole by concerned parents. so trivial in the long run, it may just be postponed after all. but today, it grabs all my attention and is the sole reason for these tears. knowing its irrelevance in the grand scheme of affairs does not stop me from feeling its current importance. maybe some other day i'll be happier. . the realisation that people dont treat you with the respect to make your own decision, sucks. its all just lies you know...the part when they emphasize how you're all 'older' now. you're '20'!!!! you know know what your career should be..where your clothes are..what to say...who to be with and when to hide things. but you cannot make your own decision if they disagree. 'its for your own good after all'... so save the flesh and kill whats within. how bout that. no one can see whats inside anyway. how does it matter if its an ideological journey. it matters not, quite simply. you dont matter and what you say isnt important. the most inconsequential being in their own eyes, raise hand. no hesitation there, one brown hand with light pink barely there nail paint is raised.
(well, i DID tell K yday that the only constant in life is the unexpected and that it made life interesting. who knew i would face my own words so very soon.)
K..its all Ok
"K:but seriously, have ya looked in the mirror?
me: yeah, have glanced at it occasionally...why?
K: my question is
how can THAT stil be single??
:)"
Random chat with K and suddenly this pops up. very strange. yet, very feel-good.
happy.
Ps-Dharamshala tomorrow. See yah blog(siii)
will make diary notes.
promise(ish)
very happy me.
Pps-could i MAKE the convo font larger? no.
me: yeah, have glanced at it occasionally...why?
K: my question is
how can THAT stil be single??
:)"
Random chat with K and suddenly this pops up. very strange. yet, very feel-good.
happy.
Ps-Dharamshala tomorrow. See yah blog(siii)
will make diary notes.
promise(ish)
very happy me.
Pps-could i MAKE the convo font larger? no.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Operation CK cont.-or not
Actually, i know i had to write this attempt at something pseudo-funny and halfway witty but just read something that made me see red. This umm, okay fine ..this individual is not liked (currently) because
a)he addressed me with my full name. i know what my name is. i dont need post its to remind about the basics. kindly keep grand amounts of knowledge to self. (grr)
b)disagreed with MY reasonable and totally correct point of view simply cuz destiny probably made him one of the few lucky people who managed to get good marks in rote-learning papers and thus he possibly doesnt know what its like to be academically rejected cuz of one stupid career move. . wake up and smell adolescence. ever WONDER why its not legal for minors to drink drive OR get married? cuz we make more mistakes. thats why. (lets just slit our throats cuz we messed up okay, or swallow arsenic cuz we're apparently not worth more than our marks. *blood boils*
(i said 'we' up there, quite forgot im no longer a minor. oops..see even so called ADULTS make mistakes)
c)probably has peanuts for brains and is mentally unsound thus should be locked up. (the key should then be given to me and i will preserve it under this giant slab near a cliff with a large part of the ocean covering it. all locksmiths will also be thrown into the sea. also hammers and items that have potential to open locks)
d)devoid of any speck of intelligence as illustrated by his liking the most mind numbingly boring and uncreative of words strung together which attempt to fool the public into believing them to be worthy of interest. (thats jus bein bitter n al)
f)imposes his own opinion on issues completely unrelated to him. its unasked for.
blah. am mad. the bull in me has stirred.. (if i could see him, i would ensure that he sees daylight no more. and im not joking)
ps-on a totally different topic.
grunge is cute.
i didnt get any free Ck samples.
i didnt fall asleep.
now clap. hard.
a)he addressed me with my full name. i know what my name is. i dont need post its to remind about the basics. kindly keep grand amounts of knowledge to self. (grr)
b)disagreed with MY reasonable and totally correct point of view simply cuz destiny probably made him one of the few lucky people who managed to get good marks in rote-learning papers and thus he possibly doesnt know what its like to be academically rejected cuz of one stupid career move. . wake up and smell adolescence. ever WONDER why its not legal for minors to drink drive OR get married? cuz we make more mistakes. thats why. (lets just slit our throats cuz we messed up okay, or swallow arsenic cuz we're apparently not worth more than our marks. *blood boils*
(i said 'we' up there, quite forgot im no longer a minor. oops..see even so called ADULTS make mistakes)
c)probably has peanuts for brains and is mentally unsound thus should be locked up. (the key should then be given to me and i will preserve it under this giant slab near a cliff with a large part of the ocean covering it. all locksmiths will also be thrown into the sea. also hammers and items that have potential to open locks)
d)devoid of any speck of intelligence as illustrated by his liking the most mind numbingly boring and uncreative of words strung together which attempt to fool the public into believing them to be worthy of interest. (thats jus bein bitter n al)
f)imposes his own opinion on issues completely unrelated to him. its unasked for.
blah. am mad. the bull in me has stirred.. (if i could see him, i would ensure that he sees daylight no more. and im not joking)
ps-on a totally different topic.
grunge is cute.
i didnt get any free Ck samples.
i didnt fall asleep.
now clap. hard.
Operation CK
Its 9.37 pm and our hero(ine?) wants to crawl into bed (with fluffy green pillows and dogs for company, but thats neither here nor there). She has been summoned by the Greater Hero(ine) to escort above mentioned and friend to the launch of a new weapon (only intended for mass destruction)...CK's new fragrance. It derives its popularity from its ability to caress hormones and distract your enemy (sometimes even you. divine stuff after all). She shoves the Nokia blackie away from ear and thinks longingly of curling up with a good book until drowsy lids take over...alright time to snap outta it she chides herself. Lets make the 'to-do' list lest we forget something. ('to do' hahahaha...that thin veil...hahahaha...she has every right to join the 'i crack myself up' community on orkut)
Intent-to come back to secret lair with free samples (some for S too, she asked..yes she knows S too)
Disguise-PYT (in the words of popular newspaper-Pretty Young Thing) with a twist of carefully concealed crabbiness (mwahaha...the hero(ine)' superpower)
Nailpaint-almost colourless pink (less pink than flushed cheeks)
Entertainment-Expects to find Mr Doctor around. The 'entertainment' part would be laughing at own idiocy when nothing like above happens.
State of Mind- Current-Arghh Anticipated-*blank look* and Arghhh (insert shadow of polite smile)
Concealed Weapons- I'm not telling
Hair-Washed (still wet, much to Greater Hero(ine)' dismay
okay g2g now..as in NOW. bye
Intent-to come back to secret lair with free samples (some for S too, she asked..yes she knows S too)
Disguise-PYT (in the words of popular newspaper-Pretty Young Thing) with a twist of carefully concealed crabbiness (mwahaha...the hero(ine)' superpower)
Nailpaint-almost colourless pink (less pink than flushed cheeks)
Entertainment-Expects to find Mr Doctor around. The 'entertainment' part would be laughing at own idiocy when nothing like above happens.
State of Mind- Current-Arghh Anticipated-*blank look* and Arghhh (insert shadow of polite smile)
Concealed Weapons- I'm not telling
Hair-Washed (still wet, much to Greater Hero(ine)' dismay
okay g2g now..as in NOW. bye
pricking of my thumbs
me-and-my-grey
clouds so grey
rain isnt far away
finally pitterpatpit
and the ground they just hit
a thump into the mud
the red dust swells
need isnt for a squall
for plants to be fed
wide eyes at window panes
tongues that long to graze
run their tip
over tiny lips
someday, one day
a chance will be found
you'll be older
and caught in a storm proud
but forgetting what used to be
not remembering today
a hood will be put up
and feet will scurry away
(is this what it means to grow up?
or are we supposed to believe in the newest Shoppers Stop ad?
guess..we'll never know..for when time does tell us..our ears wont be alert)
clouds so grey
rain isnt far away
finally pitterpatpit
and the ground they just hit
a thump into the mud
the red dust swells
need isnt for a squall
for plants to be fed
wide eyes at window panes
tongues that long to graze
run their tip
over tiny lips
someday, one day
a chance will be found
you'll be older
and caught in a storm proud
but forgetting what used to be
not remembering today
a hood will be put up
and feet will scurry away
(is this what it means to grow up?
or are we supposed to believe in the newest Shoppers Stop ad?
guess..we'll never know..for when time does tell us..our ears wont be alert)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
off-track off-court off-it-all way-to-go
Whenever i start writing, theres always this impulse to ramble on about the more inane part of my day...stuff like...the new subtle barely there pink ive painted on (toes and talons both! :) )
how super great it feels to actually be writing for vp cuz it requires a lotta mental effort and whacky liners :) .. the odd juggling of d*b and vp (almost with ht).. (they're all newspapers!..hah)
how i swing from excited squeals while making packing lists for outstation trip with green queen... and wincing at the thought of the 13 hour bus journey (just the two of us. we're v strange).. its oddly liberating and terrifying. awesome.
Then theres this other part of me which wants to talk about stuff that doesnt really matter. i mean it matters more intellectually. but if i read it say 15 years down the line...it wont tell me more about me other than my carefully formulated and well thought out opinion on that one thing. okay, so maybe a little more. but not the feelings emotions hurt vulnerabilities and that heady feeling of joy when you feel invincible. ofcourse d boy had to go and ignore my text. i actually subjected sw to a day by day account of who-texts-who. (haha...so much more suitable for s and me talks.. we ramble and happily rationalise everything. including mistakes. not healthy) so now i deleted his number from my cell. doesnt really help of course. i mean i already know it by heart. its probably etched in some never-fade-away part of my brain (yeah, but my car licence plate number im clueless about. for real!) other than that, dbabe seems to be goin through mini crisis. met up for shopping with her (got some nice stuff. blah. im really not that into buying stuff. its hot and icky. much rather someone else shop for me. there goes another shopping loving stereotype of the hot pink osho wearing and chick-flick loving bubble headed girl who lives to spend daddys money...saaaaihhh)
Now may have to go for an ndtv thing tomorrow thanks to the violent opinion shared by moi through d*b..hehe..(just got the call)..dont know how ill make it right on time. fingers crossed i guess. (and bp soars up..12.15 is another appointment. bla)
1,2,3,4,5...once i caught a fish alive
6,7,8,9,10...then i let it go again.
*wrinkles up mouth*. i write for me. thus i write what i see. love 'Life' (the english show on star world). got all 7 seasons of 'Sex and the City' to watch with green queen (she saw the movie today and 'hated' it.mwahaha)
catch ya later then amigo.
how super great it feels to actually be writing for vp cuz it requires a lotta mental effort and whacky liners :) .. the odd juggling of d*b and vp (almost with ht).. (they're all newspapers!..hah)
how i swing from excited squeals while making packing lists for outstation trip with green queen... and wincing at the thought of the 13 hour bus journey (just the two of us. we're v strange).. its oddly liberating and terrifying. awesome.
Then theres this other part of me which wants to talk about stuff that doesnt really matter. i mean it matters more intellectually. but if i read it say 15 years down the line...it wont tell me more about me other than my carefully formulated and well thought out opinion on that one thing. okay, so maybe a little more. but not the feelings emotions hurt vulnerabilities and that heady feeling of joy when you feel invincible. ofcourse d boy had to go and ignore my text. i actually subjected sw to a day by day account of who-texts-who. (haha...so much more suitable for s and me talks.. we ramble and happily rationalise everything. including mistakes. not healthy) so now i deleted his number from my cell. doesnt really help of course. i mean i already know it by heart. its probably etched in some never-fade-away part of my brain (yeah, but my car licence plate number im clueless about. for real!) other than that, dbabe seems to be goin through mini crisis. met up for shopping with her (got some nice stuff. blah. im really not that into buying stuff. its hot and icky. much rather someone else shop for me. there goes another shopping loving stereotype of the hot pink osho wearing and chick-flick loving bubble headed girl who lives to spend daddys money...saaaaihhh)
Now may have to go for an ndtv thing tomorrow thanks to the violent opinion shared by moi through d*b..hehe..(just got the call)..dont know how ill make it right on time. fingers crossed i guess. (and bp soars up..12.15 is another appointment. bla)
1,2,3,4,5...once i caught a fish alive
6,7,8,9,10...then i let it go again.
*wrinkles up mouth*. i write for me. thus i write what i see. love 'Life' (the english show on star world). got all 7 seasons of 'Sex and the City' to watch with green queen (she saw the movie today and 'hated' it.mwahaha)
catch ya later then amigo.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Express yourself...
MTV's 'Splitsvilla' is an attempt at an indianised version of 'The Bachelor'. However, not only is it a miserably obvious copy of a fantastic (albeit bold) show, the contestants chosen have added HUGE and unsurmountable amounts of vulgarity. YES, 'Roadies' was successful cuz' it had large amounts of idiocy, stunts that looked reasonably tough, a sadist of a judge and contestants who were out to prove their 'roadie spirit' (maybe some enery needed to be redirected). Oh, and its also generated a few VJ's along the way (unconsciously of course, who would want the show to ACTUALLY benefit someone). But this one seems to have surpassed even that sliver of a silver lining. There isnt any pretence of this 'helping' anyone grow as a person. Its about attracting 2 jocks via b***s (and you dare not display brains... one girl was unfortunate enough to try that track and declare an interest in philosophy while other girls were grinding their way into the hearts of the boys... boy1 then asked the camera what it meant.. yes, sharp as a blade)
What the concept implies is that bla number of girls are plonked into house... impress one out of two boys... and be lucky enough for him not to 'dump' you and you win HIM.. HURRAH!.
only wait, is that all? what if the guys not worth winning? what if you mentally wrinkle your nose and say...i would only date him under gun point... How about getting someone WORTH dating!!!
The super intelligent girls have only themselves to thank to end up at a show where nothing was promised (when they reached, however, they were told..'winners' would get 5 Lkh and a show to anchor..woohoo great role models ya'll!)
So you win a heart and get some cash. Yeah. SO utterly-fab. *bangs head repeatedly against desk*....So this is what people will be subjected to now? This distorted childish superficial ...ahh whats the point. Like i once commented, parodies are made for stuff like this. Hang on...lemme squeeze something out of grey matter. Wheres my pencil now?...*looks around*
p(encil)-hahahahaha
me-what?
p-oh, just watching the latest Splitsvilla episode, the only one actually...
me-and here i thought our conversation could elaborate and reinforce my views!
p-*snorts* high hopes
me-so you LIKE the fact that girls wear nothing and prance around idiots?
p-well woman, not everyone likes a challenge
me-but it WOULD be challenging to lower oneself to that ape like intellect...make that pea sized ape like...
p-*grins*...see puppet, the less original the guy...the more the obvious stuff works
me-yeah, but why put yourself through that?
p-well, lemme see...*starts ticking points off fingers*
a) you get to be on TV b) you get a 'hot' guy c) you get money d) you get the show...
me-okay fine..monetary perks...what about dignity?
p-they dont seem to think any dignity's been lost by appearing on it...if guys have no qualms about not knowing about philosophy on national television...why should a girl be scared of being a little whacky?
me-so now its about feminism???...seriously?
p-its about people being themselves...you feel superior when you stare at presumed asses...they feel superior when you watch them...win-win..besides, no one thinks of themselves as dumb or vulgar
me-parents...
p-everyones life is different...you cant live in constructs anyway...thats limiting your personal sense of freedom...arent you pro that live and let live thing?
me-well, yes...i guess...
p-so you're only pro it when its 'decent' and comes coated with fabulous social manners and intellect?...no freedom for the less intelligent?
me-not exactly..i mean...yes, they're obvioulsy allowed to say whatever..
p-and you're allowed to not watch and switch to national geographic or the history channel...
me-but, its as though...
p-you're getting less audible each second
me-*blustering*...see, its okay if people are vulgar.... *sigh*..such hypocrisy and double standards...
p-am i missing something?
me-in yours truly...people are 'okay' if I think they're okay...thats not freedom at all...
as usual, you've won the argument... theres obviously a public for it..and theres no point being elitist and subjecting the world to ONE persons perception of 'decent'... yeah, well.
p-*pats head*...its all okay...they're allowed to prance around and you're allowed to comment on them...win-win remember?...:)
me-*shrugs*.... forgetting social implications of which i am not a guardian... the
JIST still is-the show is degrading...the boys arent worth it and frankly, the girls are wasting their time. Oh, and the producers gonna be laughing hysterically on their way to the bank. Ho hum.
Life, go figure. Outmaneuvered by a pencil. *blinks*
What the concept implies is that bla number of girls are plonked into house... impress one out of two boys... and be lucky enough for him not to 'dump' you and you win HIM.. HURRAH!.
only wait, is that all? what if the guys not worth winning? what if you mentally wrinkle your nose and say...i would only date him under gun point... How about getting someone WORTH dating!!!
The super intelligent girls have only themselves to thank to end up at a show where nothing was promised (when they reached, however, they were told..'winners' would get 5 Lkh and a show to anchor..woohoo great role models ya'll!)
So you win a heart and get some cash. Yeah. SO utterly-fab. *bangs head repeatedly against desk*....So this is what people will be subjected to now? This distorted childish superficial ...ahh whats the point. Like i once commented, parodies are made for stuff like this. Hang on...lemme squeeze something out of grey matter. Wheres my pencil now?...*looks around*
p(encil)-hahahahaha
me-what?
p-oh, just watching the latest Splitsvilla episode, the only one actually...
me-and here i thought our conversation could elaborate and reinforce my views!
p-*snorts* high hopes
me-so you LIKE the fact that girls wear nothing and prance around idiots?
p-well woman, not everyone likes a challenge
me-but it WOULD be challenging to lower oneself to that ape like intellect...make that pea sized ape like...
p-*grins*...see puppet, the less original the guy...the more the obvious stuff works
me-yeah, but why put yourself through that?
p-well, lemme see...*starts ticking points off fingers*
a) you get to be on TV b) you get a 'hot' guy c) you get money d) you get the show...
me-okay fine..monetary perks...what about dignity?
p-they dont seem to think any dignity's been lost by appearing on it...if guys have no qualms about not knowing about philosophy on national television...why should a girl be scared of being a little whacky?
me-so now its about feminism???...seriously?
p-its about people being themselves...you feel superior when you stare at presumed asses...they feel superior when you watch them...win-win..besides, no one thinks of themselves as dumb or vulgar
me-parents...
p-everyones life is different...you cant live in constructs anyway...thats limiting your personal sense of freedom...arent you pro that live and let live thing?
me-well, yes...i guess...
p-so you're only pro it when its 'decent' and comes coated with fabulous social manners and intellect?...no freedom for the less intelligent?
me-not exactly..i mean...yes, they're obvioulsy allowed to say whatever..
p-and you're allowed to not watch and switch to national geographic or the history channel...
me-but, its as though...
p-you're getting less audible each second
me-*blustering*...see, its okay if people are vulgar.... *sigh*..such hypocrisy and double standards...
p-am i missing something?
me-in yours truly...people are 'okay' if I think they're okay...thats not freedom at all...
as usual, you've won the argument... theres obviously a public for it..and theres no point being elitist and subjecting the world to ONE persons perception of 'decent'... yeah, well.
p-*pats head*...its all okay...they're allowed to prance around and you're allowed to comment on them...win-win remember?...:)
me-*shrugs*.... forgetting social implications of which i am not a guardian... the
JIST still is-the show is degrading...the boys arent worth it and frankly, the girls are wasting their time. Oh, and the producers gonna be laughing hysterically on their way to the bank. Ho hum.
Life, go figure. Outmaneuvered by a pencil. *blinks*
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
nautical
The ipod burns with that rarely seen colour-bottle green...bottle green...which bottle green?...moss green?...green.
It 6 am and life is in progress simply cuz' of familial life- habits of inhabitants related by blood.
There is furious blinking which tries keeping sleep at bay.
Late night conversations are just not a good idea. Almost always, more surges up than was strictly necessary (or safe). (thinking r-ex)
The new 'chick-lit' The Waitress is crackly with anticipation...waiting to be read...is it admirable self control thats kept me in check? or am i just changing again?...evolving from this voracious insatiable readers mould that ive been limited to for the past 12 years?...has studying literature finally taken its toll?...(as i had been warned it would)
Now its 7.02 am. The face looks ready to explode with redness. The endorphins gradually kick in and a general feeling of well-being invades the room. (post 5km walk)
The 5 affirmations of reiki come to mind. And stay there. (Those interested may kindly get less lazy and google them)
Thats about all for this dewy breezy cool morn.
ps-are rex (r-ex) and i really better friends than Mr blast from past?
well, i guess the names really sum it all up eh?... The brain is a magnificent organ.
(it is an organ right?...i should google this. the gap between the things i should look up and the ones i actually do could fill a 1000 page book on general knowledge, in small font)
ps2-the heading?... well, its just a word i learn yesterday. what a fabulous definition of a poetic word. actually, i just really like the word. Also 'nadir'... yes, its also a name. *sigh...how predictable everyone is*
It 6 am and life is in progress simply cuz' of familial life- habits of inhabitants related by blood.
There is furious blinking which tries keeping sleep at bay.
Late night conversations are just not a good idea. Almost always, more surges up than was strictly necessary (or safe). (thinking r-ex)
The new 'chick-lit' The Waitress is crackly with anticipation...waiting to be read...is it admirable self control thats kept me in check? or am i just changing again?...evolving from this voracious insatiable readers mould that ive been limited to for the past 12 years?...has studying literature finally taken its toll?...(as i had been warned it would)
Now its 7.02 am. The face looks ready to explode with redness. The endorphins gradually kick in and a general feeling of well-being invades the room. (post 5km walk)
The 5 affirmations of reiki come to mind. And stay there. (Those interested may kindly get less lazy and google them)
Thats about all for this dewy breezy cool morn.
ps-are rex (r-ex) and i really better friends than Mr blast from past?
well, i guess the names really sum it all up eh?... The brain is a magnificent organ.
(it is an organ right?...i should google this. the gap between the things i should look up and the ones i actually do could fill a 1000 page book on general knowledge, in small font)
ps2-the heading?... well, its just a word i learn yesterday. what a fabulous definition of a poetic word. actually, i just really like the word. Also 'nadir'... yes, its also a name. *sigh...how predictable everyone is*
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Boy
So VP-an online newspaper, had this FlashFiction competition...The topic was a death note (unless im mistaken)...so here is what i THINK i would have written...(keep in mind the 'fiction' aspect)
"hi, its me...Boy
writing with a red pen that seems to crawl over the page....hesitant, knowing that once it stops its journey..something else will come to an end. It pauses frequently, buying time so as to leave behind something worthy of being read. I dont think i really want any tears splotching up this page, after all...its all that i'm giving to the world. My moment...my writing...a little bit of me...this is probably how picasso felt...or maybe im just being a romantic. No guy talks like this, at least no guy in his right mind. There are so many better things to be doing...like cricket, basketball, tennis...or so im told. Personally, have always preferred a good book or maybe a nice movie (with the really nice bits edited out...like the Rang De Basanti one...with that whole hue n cry over that animal...it gave me such a feeling of freedom...what did YOU think i was talking about?)...Mum, Dad..you were always scared of my becoming like those OTHER boys...the ones who did 'dirty' things....but yesterday you said that you wish i WAS like everyone else. Why?...How did you change your mind?....Did they become better or i deteriorate into something much worse?...Ive disappointed you, i know that but somehow it fails to make sense...so i like someone...someone my age...our religion...our community...my friend...Does that make me someone who needs a 'cure'?...That hurt me more than anything else...even more than grandma faking a heart attack......(probably cuz i saw right through her drama, she was clutching the wrong side after all)...So i guess im out to 'cure' myself of this 'insanity'...i wont tarnish your name anymore...will disappear like the snow in summer and will leave just a wet patch behind...but time will soon evaporate that too...maybe you can adopt later on and always pretend that had i stuck around..you would have done things 'differently'...This is not totally a sacrifice, i believe where im going will be better for me...no more expectations...yelling...tears...Tears unsettle me...they're completely uncalled for and serve no known purpose...maybe the salt levels are balanced out or something...Dad, you cried too yesterday....maybe i should stop talking too...it gets harder with every second...
Im going to go now...you wont find me and not only cuz you wont look hard enough.....
Accept these as my final words...i forgive you though you never asked for forgiveness
and love you as you have loved me all these years....
I know there is no 'cure' for what i have..for what i feel is love...
one last favour...do tell him that i loved him and not to worry
for life is long and there will be people to love plenty.
Your son,
Boy"
"hi, its me...Boy
writing with a red pen that seems to crawl over the page....hesitant, knowing that once it stops its journey..something else will come to an end. It pauses frequently, buying time so as to leave behind something worthy of being read. I dont think i really want any tears splotching up this page, after all...its all that i'm giving to the world. My moment...my writing...a little bit of me...this is probably how picasso felt...or maybe im just being a romantic. No guy talks like this, at least no guy in his right mind. There are so many better things to be doing...like cricket, basketball, tennis...or so im told. Personally, have always preferred a good book or maybe a nice movie (with the really nice bits edited out...like the Rang De Basanti one...with that whole hue n cry over that animal...it gave me such a feeling of freedom...what did YOU think i was talking about?)...Mum, Dad..you were always scared of my becoming like those OTHER boys...the ones who did 'dirty' things....but yesterday you said that you wish i WAS like everyone else. Why?...How did you change your mind?....Did they become better or i deteriorate into something much worse?...Ive disappointed you, i know that but somehow it fails to make sense...so i like someone...someone my age...our religion...our community...my friend...Does that make me someone who needs a 'cure'?...That hurt me more than anything else...even more than grandma faking a heart attack......(probably cuz i saw right through her drama, she was clutching the wrong side after all)...So i guess im out to 'cure' myself of this 'insanity'...i wont tarnish your name anymore...will disappear like the snow in summer and will leave just a wet patch behind...but time will soon evaporate that too...maybe you can adopt later on and always pretend that had i stuck around..you would have done things 'differently'...This is not totally a sacrifice, i believe where im going will be better for me...no more expectations...yelling...tears...Tears unsettle me...they're completely uncalled for and serve no known purpose...maybe the salt levels are balanced out or something...Dad, you cried too yesterday....maybe i should stop talking too...it gets harder with every second...
Im going to go now...you wont find me and not only cuz you wont look hard enough.....
Accept these as my final words...i forgive you though you never asked for forgiveness
and love you as you have loved me all these years....
I know there is no 'cure' for what i have..for what i feel is love...
one last favour...do tell him that i loved him and not to worry
for life is long and there will be people to love plenty.
Your son,
Boy"
Friday, June 6, 2008
In the Jungle
Squishy squishy mud
how wet you would be
light brown and so murky
How easily one falls
misses a step
at that turning when morals
make a left
then dragging those legs
lose yourself in gloom
consider not running
for off the path you stand
having lost the directions so soon
the maps torn in half
when the bald man, at you,
made a pass
bumping and grinding
pushed into a bush
squshy squishy mud
how very wet you would be
light brown and so murky
and then the foot sinks lower
ah groans the earth
and nothing else stirs
no mush to gush over
no clothes to tear apart
no arrow to practice darts
no sky and no moon
no stars and balloons
just falling
backwards and forward
forward and soon
all tangled up forever
or as long as lasts ever
maybe getting up once
with salt on the tongue
and sometimes burning lungs
its all just rum
squishy squishy mud
how very wet you would be
light brown and so murky
how wet you would be
light brown and so murky
How easily one falls
misses a step
at that turning when morals
make a left
then dragging those legs
lose yourself in gloom
consider not running
for off the path you stand
having lost the directions so soon
the maps torn in half
when the bald man, at you,
made a pass
bumping and grinding
pushed into a bush
squshy squishy mud
how very wet you would be
light brown and so murky
and then the foot sinks lower
ah groans the earth
and nothing else stirs
no mush to gush over
no clothes to tear apart
no arrow to practice darts
no sky and no moon
no stars and balloons
just falling
backwards and forward
forward and soon
all tangled up forever
or as long as lasts ever
maybe getting up once
with salt on the tongue
and sometimes burning lungs
its all just rum
squishy squishy mud
how very wet you would be
light brown and so murky
that much
Gosh, It just seems like there is SO much just waiting to be done and there arent enough hours in a day. Still, somehow time is found to waste in front of the TV while subjecting self to the most mindless and brain boggling collection of aesthetically inappropriate shows. A quick 'to-do' list reveals over 11 extremely important 'should-work-towards'. Argh. (Yes, just one yelp per post)
Overt annoyance with absolutely nothing to be ungrateful for.
What is this?... Loss of control?... F****** just stop screwing up my brain.
Could toss blackie in a pile of garage and never look back. Never.
Dont really want/need/ever want or ever need any phone call. Bye Bye Blackie.
You irritate the s*** outta moi. Argh. (okay, so ive exceeded stipulated amount of whines and frustrated groans...sue me)
Could chew up this entire ^%*#)(&@^@(^@(^# generation of ^%$# *()$# like Wrigley's Orbit.
(then spit it out after the artificial flavour mysteriously vanishes..taking with it good mood)
How about a truce?
Life, Do not annoy me and i shall not throw a heavy plant over an innocent soul... (me)
Actually, screw all this. When did this stop becoming a 'vent'?...
Bullshit and piggy poop. Whose the master of ones life???...Who (i demand angrily)
Yes, you bloody well got that right. Its ME mister. ME with a M and an E. ME.
In the words of a wonderful lyricist, "Fuck you".
(strange how i dont feel like censoring above) :)
Overt annoyance with absolutely nothing to be ungrateful for.
What is this?... Loss of control?... F****** just stop screwing up my brain.
Could toss blackie in a pile of garage and never look back. Never.
Dont really want/need/ever want or ever need any phone call. Bye Bye Blackie.
You irritate the s*** outta moi. Argh. (okay, so ive exceeded stipulated amount of whines and frustrated groans...sue me)
Could chew up this entire ^%*#)(&@^@(^@(^# generation of ^%$# *()$# like Wrigley's Orbit.
(then spit it out after the artificial flavour mysteriously vanishes..taking with it good mood)
How about a truce?
Life, Do not annoy me and i shall not throw a heavy plant over an innocent soul... (me)
Actually, screw all this. When did this stop becoming a 'vent'?...
Bullshit and piggy poop. Whose the master of ones life???...Who (i demand angrily)
Yes, you bloody well got that right. Its ME mister. ME with a M and an E. ME.
In the words of a wonderful lyricist, "Fuck you".
(strange how i dont feel like censoring above) :)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Piercing White Fang
You can be the girl in the tracks...the one with the fancy dress or the long legs...and the only difference would be in the drool that accompanies the stare..
Invasion of space
Raped by each look...
Not one day or two, everyday.
Tall, short, black, white or brown
Angry, sad or gay
Wearing blue, pink or grey
Looking right back or nervously around
Stepping up or skulking in corners
Humming your favourite song or quite definitely mute
Somehow, lechery discriminates not.
When you walk out, someone is always around
Judging-Laughing-Violating
Vision is a right misused
Eyes follow, hands reach out.
A fresh piece of meat for the ravenous dogs-
Worthy only of lust
So many fists clenched, eyes narrowed uselessly and profanity barely controlled at the tip of ones tongue..
Struggling to muster a shred of dignity...
to look beyond the baseness of it all...
Gore immense in frequent dreams...each fantasy spilling out with justice meted out regularly
Frantic calls to publicised Helplines...
Protecting the fragile 'purity'...the 'virtue'...that thin layer of skin that divides the 'good' from the 'fallen' or perhaps 'unfortunate'...
Equality?....But naturally a resounding YES...legally.
They say Feminism isn't "needed", I say-try crawling into my skin.
Invasion of space
Raped by each look...
Not one day or two, everyday.
Tall, short, black, white or brown
Angry, sad or gay
Wearing blue, pink or grey
Looking right back or nervously around
Stepping up or skulking in corners
Humming your favourite song or quite definitely mute
Somehow, lechery discriminates not.
When you walk out, someone is always around
Judging-Laughing-Violating
Vision is a right misused
Eyes follow, hands reach out.
A fresh piece of meat for the ravenous dogs-
Worthy only of lust
So many fists clenched, eyes narrowed uselessly and profanity barely controlled at the tip of ones tongue..
Struggling to muster a shred of dignity...
to look beyond the baseness of it all...
Gore immense in frequent dreams...each fantasy spilling out with justice meted out regularly
Frantic calls to publicised Helplines...
Protecting the fragile 'purity'...the 'virtue'...that thin layer of skin that divides the 'good' from the 'fallen' or perhaps 'unfortunate'...
Equality?....But naturally a resounding YES...legally.
They say Feminism isn't "needed", I say-try crawling into my skin.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Playin' on Stereotypes :)
Totally playing on stereotypes here and talking bout what would lead a guy to say what’s written below! :)…(The Universe provides answers)
Guy:Yes, you do look horrendously fat and unattractive.
Universe:(He wants to break up….ASAP…another date that night maybe)
Guy:Can I borrow your lip balm?
Universe:(Over a thousand doctors have warned him that dry lips will lead to his untimely demise)
Guy:Can we please stop watching sports...?
Universe:(He just really doesn’t like them, lighten up please!)
Guy:The IPL cheerleaders are just another example of the degradation of women…
Universe:(Dare we hope for a feminist?)
Guy:It wasn’t what you said, it was the TONE in which you said it…
Universe:(okay ladies, this is just a guess but he MAY be making fun of you)
I totally sprained my ankles on those purple heels the other day...
(Ohh wait, that would be the girl talking...(oops)
Guy:Tell me ALL about your feelings…
(He just had a chat with his best gal pal and the lecture worked… gush away!)
I think I’m prettier than you…
(Wait a minute…who says that exactly?)
Guy:I know you really want to but I want to wait till we’re married.
Universe:....
(long pause… Well, I guess the universe just ran outta options for above.)
Senseless and extremely prejudiced. Cheers to political incorrectness.
Guy:Yes, you do look horrendously fat and unattractive.
Universe:(He wants to break up….ASAP…another date that night maybe)
Guy:Can I borrow your lip balm?
Universe:(Over a thousand doctors have warned him that dry lips will lead to his untimely demise)
Guy:Can we please stop watching sports...?
Universe:(He just really doesn’t like them, lighten up please!)
Guy:The IPL cheerleaders are just another example of the degradation of women…
Universe:(Dare we hope for a feminist?)
Guy:It wasn’t what you said, it was the TONE in which you said it…
Universe:(okay ladies, this is just a guess but he MAY be making fun of you)
I totally sprained my ankles on those purple heels the other day...
(Ohh wait, that would be the girl talking...(oops)
Guy:Tell me ALL about your feelings…
(He just had a chat with his best gal pal and the lecture worked… gush away!)
I think I’m prettier than you…
(Wait a minute…who says that exactly?)
Guy:I know you really want to but I want to wait till we’re married.
Universe:....
(long pause… Well, I guess the universe just ran outta options for above.)
Senseless and extremely prejudiced. Cheers to political incorrectness.
Firstly, currently-life is a lie and not liked.
Okay, so now that thats out of the way.
How about a look at Ms. Woman. Or perhaps its best to not say anything.
When all the crap from the gutter reaches out to drag you back or swallow you whole. Its best to keep a stiff upper lip and ignore it ...perhaps even gloss the smell with a dab of perfume here and there....(the perfume shall remain unnamed)...Manipulations...Sorrow...Tension....Hurt....Words...Actions....are all
step-sisters....Hated, tolerated and connected forever. Nothing said, wanted, craved will ever change it. Melancholy songs are made for some occasions after all. Maybe people become deaf when they've heard too much or want to drown out all those voices.
"When you are with me, I am free" growls the voice, pounding against my eardrums.
I reply..."When i'm without you, I am free"...Ohh wait...correction..."When i'm with you or without you, am never free"....The apathetic universe refuses to hand out tissues and the Earth continues its journey round the Sun. Lets now study the life of somebody else, someone who is semi-glad to be alive and actually praying that it lasts forever. Repulsed. Ungrateful. Polluted.
No Angels, the person up there plays a damned annoying game.
Life may just be a stage and not only have i forgotten my lines...i feel no need to remember them.
The End.
Okay, so now that thats out of the way.
How about a look at Ms. Woman. Or perhaps its best to not say anything.
When all the crap from the gutter reaches out to drag you back or swallow you whole. Its best to keep a stiff upper lip and ignore it ...perhaps even gloss the smell with a dab of perfume here and there....(the perfume shall remain unnamed)...Manipulations...Sorrow...Tension....Hurt....Words...Actions....are all
step-sisters....Hated, tolerated and connected forever. Nothing said, wanted, craved will ever change it. Melancholy songs are made for some occasions after all. Maybe people become deaf when they've heard too much or want to drown out all those voices.
"When you are with me, I am free" growls the voice, pounding against my eardrums.
I reply..."When i'm without you, I am free"...Ohh wait...correction..."When i'm with you or without you, am never free"....The apathetic universe refuses to hand out tissues and the Earth continues its journey round the Sun. Lets now study the life of somebody else, someone who is semi-glad to be alive and actually praying that it lasts forever. Repulsed. Ungrateful. Polluted.
No Angels, the person up there plays a damned annoying game.
Life may just be a stage and not only have i forgotten my lines...i feel no need to remember them.
The End.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Muskmelon
So how does Muskmelon taste?
Well, if its an average one...the fork bites into it about halfway through...depending on the capacity of your mouth..you shove a piece in and then gradually let the flavour fill your mouth...it could be tangy, a little fiber-y or really sweet...but almost always ...really good!
So why the above exercise?...Besides it being pointless, it was an attempt to recreate that aura that the description of chocolate always always urges me to create...Of course it failed..it had to..Oh, did i mention?..have given up the ultimate sin for one whole year...Yes, no gobbling up scores of kit kat chunky's!...no digging my spoon into hot chocolate fundge!...no surreptitiously popping in M n M's!!!..umm...anyway...its been 5 months (started jan 1st actually)...So am now nearing the 6 month celebration...:)
Its just that i've discovered the pleasures of the healthier things...like cucumber...muskmelon..tomato juice...Ohh screw this..me wants chocolate! :D
But the thing is ...it feels simply superb..cuz even though i want it real bad...i am able to stop myself!...(even from drooling when friends dig into SUPER HUGE choco filled/iced/sprinkled desserts!)...The reason for it is naturally more than a lil distorted...Its about abstinence leading to mental strength...about your will to control a small miniscule aspect of your life...or denying, to yourself, what you love and proving in the bargain that you're capable of much more self-restraint than you give yourself credit for!....:D
Basically, you're strong...and now you know it!
Woohoo Muskmelon...my friend till Dec 31st 2008 and maybe even after!
:D:D
Ps-God! Sometimes i think im like seriously messed up!!!....maybe i fell on my head as a baby or something....do vaguely remember falling down two steps...who knows how thats scarred me...psshhhh (unidentifiable sound)
Well, if its an average one...the fork bites into it about halfway through...depending on the capacity of your mouth..you shove a piece in and then gradually let the flavour fill your mouth...it could be tangy, a little fiber-y or really sweet...but almost always ...really good!
So why the above exercise?...Besides it being pointless, it was an attempt to recreate that aura that the description of chocolate always always urges me to create...Of course it failed..it had to..Oh, did i mention?..have given up the ultimate sin for one whole year...Yes, no gobbling up scores of kit kat chunky's!...no digging my spoon into hot chocolate fundge!...no surreptitiously popping in M n M's!!!..umm...anyway...its been 5 months (started jan 1st actually)...So am now nearing the 6 month celebration...:)
Its just that i've discovered the pleasures of the healthier things...like cucumber...muskmelon..tomato juice...Ohh screw this..me wants chocolate! :D
But the thing is ...it feels simply superb..cuz even though i want it real bad...i am able to stop myself!...(even from drooling when friends dig into SUPER HUGE choco filled/iced/sprinkled desserts!)...The reason for it is naturally more than a lil distorted...Its about abstinence leading to mental strength...about your will to control a small miniscule aspect of your life...or denying, to yourself, what you love and proving in the bargain that you're capable of much more self-restraint than you give yourself credit for!....:D
Basically, you're strong...and now you know it!
Woohoo Muskmelon...my friend till Dec 31st 2008 and maybe even after!
:D:D
Ps-God! Sometimes i think im like seriously messed up!!!....maybe i fell on my head as a baby or something....do vaguely remember falling down two steps...who knows how thats scarred me...psshhhh (unidentifiable sound)
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