Thursday, October 30, 2008
When we meet.
I have a deadline to meet. At 9 pm tonight we shall clasp hands under the banyan tree and hope that we have each lived up to our side of the bargain. I need to have pinpointed (in minute accuracy) where exactly i want to spend the next few years of my life... which career is most satisfying... how to get there and my deadline? my deadline has to present itself all decked up in pink and grey. Grey to be more fitting for the sober circumstances under which we meet. It will not be a cracker filled evening with patakas lighting up the night sky. it shall be two people 'catching up'. Time and finally, decisions. Or more accurately, the singular decision.
Monday, October 27, 2008
nothing rhymes with Kanpur.
I think every perfect room needs a perfect chair to park your bum and perfect book(s) to flip through. i will no longer put perfect in quotes insinuating that perfection isnt possible or relative. One thing i do know... though being glum and melancholic with violent shades of grey is currently in vogue... it doesnt make one happy. and WHY bother being anything else but?
The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.
Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.
i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....
i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.
ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)
The Trip
(was a disaster...comes to the tongue instantly) at least the beginning was a humongous mess. Bihar had an outbreak of riots and trains paid the penalty with almost all of them being cancelled. thats not all. suddenly in a fit of overprotectiveness my parents chose to exercise what they rarely do. the power to say no. i was point blank forbidden to go in a bus to kanpur. (plan B)
well.. skipping past the gloomy drama of plodding home alone and sinking into bed.. i got a call in the evening telling me the team had, in fact, not left. Yippee? i dont think so. we tried working out late evening tickets. Fast forward 5-7 hours. We (now just 12 out of a team of 18) sit trembling at the station waiting for our train at 11.40 PM. whew. on General Class Tickets.
Now, in case you dont know what that implies. lemme clarify. no reservations+scary men who eyed us and our luggage with the same greed+no adults(unless you count the 12 of us who are above 18 and who conveniently forgot to mention to our parents that the tickets we finally managed were in general class. mature)..to sum it up. Nightmare. ah. i could go on and on about how terrible it was to perform a play designed for 15 people with a mere 7. How disheartened we were when the team (initially) didnt crack the prelims (later we did...technical glitch)...how it sucked to be there and feel terrible that the others hadnt come. how ecstatic we were when four of them landed up the next day (post HUGE drama with own parents).... how i didnt think it important to capture ANYTHING on camera till the last morning at the railway station. how i met this really old friend whom i didnt expect to click so well with (our similarities can lead to a weirdly-similar club).. how i was determined to not talk and ended up singing SO loudly that ive temporarily lost my voice (really)... how nice it was to be with vrinda again and hug her ALL the time... (morning wake-up call was a slobbery mess on the cheek)... how her non-bf/really-bf made an attempt to clear the air (which worked but added more tinge-y colours to it...ie. more confusion)...how i finally spoke my mind to sn and just TALKED about how bloody nonsensical talking was. how simply too much happened to just take in. how watching kung fu panda at 3 am on the terrace on the laptop of a friend can be AMAZING because of how much mad SENSE it makes!!!!!!!...... how going on a scooty at 5.30 in the morning is exhilarating... how such moments lifted the gloom off others... how i didnt get what i wanted or expected but how it wasnt too disappointing.
i kept thinking...after this i will 'come back to life'. but i never left it. it was just me in better clothes with sneakers strapped on nearly 24/7. barely ate anything but walked more than was necessary...i kept chasing that elusive dream-like feeling of being in first year when we had first gone to kanpur. to feel the tendrils of hope inching their way up. but of course thats quite impossible. you cant recreate stuff. cuz lets face it, im different. in third year now with choices that i cant delay further. Escapism would be the silliest choice made till date (including opting for commerce in 11th 12th!!!!!).....
i dont feel bummed out. just like all my bones have been manually taken apart and then clumsily attached to form what could be a girl. have slept for 3 hours in the last 2 days and im still not collapsing. nope. but thats just a fact. im glad i went. im glad things happened the way they did. because 'in life there are no accidents' says someone wise in Kung Fu Panda. and i agree.
you simply GOTTA watch it if you have eyes and an open mind. (a narrow one is annoying...who will enjoy it nonetheless)
Anyway, thank you. Dont know why i said that.. its most certainly not directed at anyone reading my blog (no offense). Now back to the drill...celtic renaissance assignment. :)
Ciao.
ps- Wurrrrf. Growl and... Yum. (description of eye candy...festival be well stocked...:P...)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
not-growing-up
you can tackle life. its moments. incidents. problems. you can cry. howl. scream. but they all come under the comfortable label of 'protest verbally'. but what happens when you dont say a word? does silence automatically translate into acquiescence? or does it become heavy with depth and mysterious thoughts? bright ideas of revolution? hope.
nah. i dont think.
Timing is everything. when you meet someone, strike a chord. dislike pea-green footwear. notice the pink shade to the pashmina in the window. all about timing and someone very tiny is keeping tabs. a pixie i was told as a 7 year old. making teeny-tiny notes in a teeni(er) notebook. the pixie (sex undisclosed) notes all the good things you do and the bad. im sick of puttin the word GOOD and BAD in quotes to signify just how bloody relative they are. they're not.
okay fine. they MAY be. but the basics of morality remain the same. do not kill or hurt anyone.
im sick of debating with pseudo-intellectuals exactly WHY killing someone DOES mean you did something wrong. in our pursuit of elitism-of-thought we have gone quite mad. and morally awry. and sometimes nasty too.
the gnawing of nails must stop. so must the whining and need-for-escape.
escape where? to what? and ... how?
questions dont need answers. they need vodka that i dont drink and ciggies that i dont smoke. to numb the pain i dont feel. so questions dont need answers. and (tennis)balls(*sigh*) to anyone who begs to differ. we are not in a court of law where diplomacy is paramount. (or justice for that matter). we are here. on a blog. reading the rantings of someone who needs to be heard. but not by people who she doesnt know and will never know. she needs to figure out stuff.... needs to know why answers dont matter so much now, at this instant. why things dont feel 'together' anymore. why the trip tomorrow seems like the gloomiest thing in the whole-wide-world. she needs to know why she's talking in third person.
*perplexed*
nah. i dont think.
Timing is everything. when you meet someone, strike a chord. dislike pea-green footwear. notice the pink shade to the pashmina in the window. all about timing and someone very tiny is keeping tabs. a pixie i was told as a 7 year old. making teeny-tiny notes in a teeni(er) notebook. the pixie (sex undisclosed) notes all the good things you do and the bad. im sick of puttin the word GOOD and BAD in quotes to signify just how bloody relative they are. they're not.
okay fine. they MAY be. but the basics of morality remain the same. do not kill or hurt anyone.
im sick of debating with pseudo-intellectuals exactly WHY killing someone DOES mean you did something wrong. in our pursuit of elitism-of-thought we have gone quite mad. and morally awry. and sometimes nasty too.
the gnawing of nails must stop. so must the whining and need-for-escape.
escape where? to what? and ... how?
questions dont need answers. they need vodka that i dont drink and ciggies that i dont smoke. to numb the pain i dont feel. so questions dont need answers. and (tennis)balls(*sigh*) to anyone who begs to differ. we are not in a court of law where diplomacy is paramount. (or justice for that matter). we are here. on a blog. reading the rantings of someone who needs to be heard. but not by people who she doesnt know and will never know. she needs to figure out stuff.... needs to know why answers dont matter so much now, at this instant. why things dont feel 'together' anymore. why the trip tomorrow seems like the gloomiest thing in the whole-wide-world. she needs to know why she's talking in third person.
*perplexed*
Monday, October 20, 2008
No honey it aint PMS
"yeah.. each time a girl snarls at a guy...he mutters....'bloody PMS'
no babe. its actually not PMS. Its you. Uhoh. Yes, thats right. YOUR inconsistent attitude thats driving me up the wall and has my knickers in a twist. and in NOT a fun way.
Why do you think its SO amusing to fuck around with my feelings?
what kinda perverse asshole are you anyway?
if you like me...stick around and continue the fawning.
if not. take the next bus home to upthereville and rent a cabin. grow a beard. talk to a dog named ruby.
but dont hang around. dont call. dont text. dont say you 'miss' me.
im not bitter. im bored.
have been on the roundabout exactly 3000 times and now im going to be sick.
so do me a favour. and show yourself the door.
im too blinded by my own idiocy to point.
thank you very much.
so, no honey it isnt PMS."
no babe. its actually not PMS. Its you. Uhoh. Yes, thats right. YOUR inconsistent attitude thats driving me up the wall and has my knickers in a twist. and in NOT a fun way.
Why do you think its SO amusing to fuck around with my feelings?
what kinda perverse asshole are you anyway?
if you like me...stick around and continue the fawning.
if not. take the next bus home to upthereville and rent a cabin. grow a beard. talk to a dog named ruby.
but dont hang around. dont call. dont text. dont say you 'miss' me.
im not bitter. im bored.
have been on the roundabout exactly 3000 times and now im going to be sick.
so do me a favour. and show yourself the door.
im too blinded by my own idiocy to point.
thank you very much.
so, no honey it isnt PMS."
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Jhola Bag Journalism
Well i got a chance to write for a fashion magazine... lemme be more explicit. We're having Fashion shows in delhi and they want people who are reasonably articulate to string a few sentences together and pay em 500 bucks per 'piece'. Sweet. But i got lazy with the whole 'have to reply professionally' bit and didnt get back to them. (Ladies and Gentlemen, my tragic flaw- Laziness) Plus i figured since am leaving town in three days anyway, didnt make sense to stress myself out...when i have the option of oozing and flopping down in one room after the other. Ahem. (i distribute my time equally in all rooms of the house, except the kitchen...not counting rummaging for scraps)...
The thing is.. in the last 6 months have done a LOT of Journalist-ic work. Worked with a national daily, online newspaper and college-level print paper. So what have i learnt? (apart from the fact that this is not gonna be my full time occupation- ever)
-Creative satisfaction is a myth
-Under times of stress (and otherwise) the 'source which does not wish to be named' can be your pet cat
-You don't literally get ink on your fingers
-Working till 1 am only happens when you've been procrastinating all day
-It doesn't really 'improve' your english, maybe its flow
-Not everyone who plans to be a full-time journalist can write well (that surprised me)
-Bylines have the oddest way of being handed to me (though i didn't really write the content!)
ie. (unconscious)misappropriation of bylines is a live n' kicking reality
-People are so disorganized that it almost deludes me into thinking im competent
-You-Dont-Get-Your-Certificate unless you punch the daylights outta them and then feed em' glucose stuffed in meetha paan. (random example)
-The most shallow articles are the MOST fun to write. No brains or effort required.
-The pen is mightier than the sword only when it works and the readership is on a high
-People are well, people. Just not that lovable. (but that wasn't exactly a heart-stopping shock or anything)
Everything has its plus and minuses... It depends on how much you enjoy stuff that you wanna stick it out. For me, the journey has lost its bubbly excitement. So i guess its time for the last swig of the drink before i call it a night on my journalistic ambitions.
Ps- The aforementioned things 'learnt' do not reflect on any one organization but move well beyond the sphere of the three i worked in. Call it personal human experience that is not liable for being sued.
Yes, they taught me disclaimers and self-protection. :)
The thing is.. in the last 6 months have done a LOT of Journalist-ic work. Worked with a national daily, online newspaper and college-level print paper. So what have i learnt? (apart from the fact that this is not gonna be my full time occupation- ever)
-Creative satisfaction is a myth
-Under times of stress (and otherwise) the 'source which does not wish to be named' can be your pet cat
-You don't literally get ink on your fingers
-Working till 1 am only happens when you've been procrastinating all day
-It doesn't really 'improve' your english, maybe its flow
-Not everyone who plans to be a full-time journalist can write well (that surprised me)
-Bylines have the oddest way of being handed to me (though i didn't really write the content!)
ie. (unconscious)misappropriation of bylines is a live n' kicking reality
-People are so disorganized that it almost deludes me into thinking im competent
-You-Dont-Get-Your-Certificate unless you punch the daylights outta them and then feed em' glucose stuffed in meetha paan. (random example)
-The most shallow articles are the MOST fun to write. No brains or effort required.
-The pen is mightier than the sword only when it works and the readership is on a high
-People are well, people. Just not that lovable. (but that wasn't exactly a heart-stopping shock or anything)
Everything has its plus and minuses... It depends on how much you enjoy stuff that you wanna stick it out. For me, the journey has lost its bubbly excitement. So i guess its time for the last swig of the drink before i call it a night on my journalistic ambitions.
Ps- The aforementioned things 'learnt' do not reflect on any one organization but move well beyond the sphere of the three i worked in. Call it personal human experience that is not liable for being sued.
Yes, they taught me disclaimers and self-protection. :)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
'Mithas'
I love music. No, i do. I may not know every genre around or every elusive artist who's worshipped by the special few. But music does something. Theres a flow. Like in the tapping of a keyboard. The consistency as one taps down word after word. Click-click and thoughts articulated. Sweet. Dont know if it makes any sense....but it does to me. a rhythm. the 'dhum' of an instrument unknown. (ah ignorance you embrace me so hard) when your body can sway... flow... melt like water. become one with the soul of what you're hearing.
Its not about fancy lyrics or heart rending declarations of ideologies...its the intake of a breath of fresh air after hours of being in a stuffy room. When you inhale....and the relief of sweet cold water traveling down your parched throat (that you never knew was so parched). As you rock back and fro, right in one place and press re-wind on your ipod. its livng more in the present than ever before. In Nalick's words...."Just breathe"
Ps- Had a fantastic day just because it was so ordinary. Am so blessed to enjoy so much joy in an average day. Thank you God. Its days like this, when thread together, you look back on and think...'yes, i had a great life'.
Its not about fancy lyrics or heart rending declarations of ideologies...its the intake of a breath of fresh air after hours of being in a stuffy room. When you inhale....and the relief of sweet cold water traveling down your parched throat (that you never knew was so parched). As you rock back and fro, right in one place and press re-wind on your ipod. its livng more in the present than ever before. In Nalick's words...."Just breathe"
Ps- Had a fantastic day just because it was so ordinary. Am so blessed to enjoy so much joy in an average day. Thank you God. Its days like this, when thread together, you look back on and think...'yes, i had a great life'.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Ding Dong. wham bam?
Theres a lot going on as of now...( this is gonna sound ridiculous by the end of the post)
Sh has bounced into a relationship. Yup. the super(dupah) genius herself...and S and i didnt even know they invented guys that smart (i know..i know.. sexist)
Just a few weeks ago, Sh and i were talking about the whole elements table thing (periodic table?)...where some elements were put into place before they had been technically FOUND (im really bad at science)...so...she had said something about "the" guy being something like that... you're aware (vaguely) that he DOES in fact exist...but no ones pin pointed him as of now... the Mysterious Man who wont be an ass. (i know i know...sexist again)
Moving on, the thing is.. a lot is also GOING to happen..so im kinda puttin in my efforts to prepare myself for the same. We leave for IIT-K really soon... i wonder if it'll be as awesome as it was the last time we went. Probably not...cuz of all the expectations and stuff. But at least i'll get to listen to some decent music and indulge in 5 hour discussions about absolutely nothing with people that im very close to. :)... Plus V will be there.. :D miss v!!!!!!.... pune is lucky to have her most of the year!....
This year really nothing has worked out as i had anticipated. I left Theatre. *breathes* Its still hard to think about it. Have become this person who is someone i dont quite 'get'. if you know what i mean..which you probably dont..cuz I dont. so how can you? *see see*...the person i know as me wouldnt talk like that.
Managed to gradually disassociate with people who werent healthy for my peace of mind and yeah...got a face-changing haircut. yea yea...trivial i know...:D
Somehow this already feels like December... a time to make resolutions feel! im obviously not quite normal in the head (no wisecracks S!)
but i think im happy. Even though i dont know EVERYTHING in the world and every single detail about how the future is gonna turn up (with pink ribbons or silver?).... im going with the flow cuz i have to... im enjoying it (warily) cuz i choose to.
signing off in the pink of health!
*touchwood*
muah!
*there are very few things writing-it-out doesnt help in*
Sh has bounced into a relationship. Yup. the super(dupah) genius herself...and S and i didnt even know they invented guys that smart (i know..i know.. sexist)
Just a few weeks ago, Sh and i were talking about the whole elements table thing (periodic table?)...where some elements were put into place before they had been technically FOUND (im really bad at science)...so...she had said something about "the" guy being something like that... you're aware (vaguely) that he DOES in fact exist...but no ones pin pointed him as of now... the Mysterious Man who wont be an ass. (i know i know...sexist again)
Moving on, the thing is.. a lot is also GOING to happen..so im kinda puttin in my efforts to prepare myself for the same. We leave for IIT-K really soon... i wonder if it'll be as awesome as it was the last time we went. Probably not...cuz of all the expectations and stuff. But at least i'll get to listen to some decent music and indulge in 5 hour discussions about absolutely nothing with people that im very close to. :)... Plus V will be there.. :D miss v!!!!!!.... pune is lucky to have her most of the year!....
This year really nothing has worked out as i had anticipated. I left Theatre. *breathes* Its still hard to think about it. Have become this person who is someone i dont quite 'get'. if you know what i mean..which you probably dont..cuz I dont. so how can you? *see see*...the person i know as me wouldnt talk like that.
Managed to gradually disassociate with people who werent healthy for my peace of mind and yeah...got a face-changing haircut. yea yea...trivial i know...:D
Somehow this already feels like December... a time to make resolutions feel! im obviously not quite normal in the head (no wisecracks S!)
but i think im happy. Even though i dont know EVERYTHING in the world and every single detail about how the future is gonna turn up (with pink ribbons or silver?).... im going with the flow cuz i have to... im enjoying it (warily) cuz i choose to.
signing off in the pink of health!
*touchwood*
muah!
*there are very few things writing-it-out doesnt help in*
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Pampered no more! -Updated
Okay..so im not well and grumpy... Maybe im grumpy BECAUSE im not well... *argh, of course*
Correct me if im wrong (which im not btw) but isnt it written somewhere in the constitution that "when thy is ill, then pampered you shall be"...or maybe its the Bible..i dont really know.
What i DO however know is...the world is supposed to be revolving around the greatest and most childish ME right now. Thats right, you heard me... i should be carried from one room to the other on the backs of Egyptian slaves who will feed me rare berries at regular intervals. And also fan me with orange silk fans. But thats not whats happened. (i know, shocking right?)
Mom has (unreasonably) decided i must go to the Doctor. Now how ridiculous IS that? Who goes to the doc when they're unwell? Exactly, no one! I knew it. Its just a sham to drag me out of my room for a couple of hours so that they can paint it an awful parrot green. Why? Well, i just know these things. And plus no one is being AT ALL sympathetic... yesterday when i wanted to sleep ON the bedcover...mum said no! how hardhearted IS that???...i mean...here i am...sprawled on the bed and wanting to sleep on the bedcover cuz it gives me a sense of joy and perfection...and people have to take that away from me too. *sniff sniff*
But before you all start weeping let me tell you a little secret...its okay..im gonna make it...no really! i have it from reliable sources (umm, they dont wanna be disclosed) that im not gonna die from a tummy ache just yet. Okay, i guess i havent been COMPLETELY honest...when we were going to Pattaya without my parents to the beach..sister and i were given 2 basic instructions
-no outside food
-no going in the sea water
well, we kinda stayed in the sea water for about 7 hours...and ate some Thai food. ahem. technically 'outside' food...but in order to justify our actions... we werent like eating OUTSIDE food cuz were IN Thailand..so thats local food and the sea water..well who goes to the beach and doesnt swim??? But try telling that to my tummy who refuses to recognize my logic and insists on proving my parents instuctions as right. hmmpf. Typical, take THEIR side.
So now what? Guess i gotta go to the Doc...:(
Unless of course i get completely well by 3 this afternoon *beams*
oh well...in hope we all continue to live.
ciao.
Update
So i went to the doctor (yea yea GASP)...but its all (semi) okay now...*beams*
yay for medicine. :P
ps-im daaaaamn whiny!..oh well..*shrugs*
Correct me if im wrong (which im not btw) but isnt it written somewhere in the constitution that "when thy is ill, then pampered you shall be"...or maybe its the Bible..i dont really know.
What i DO however know is...the world is supposed to be revolving around the greatest and most childish ME right now. Thats right, you heard me... i should be carried from one room to the other on the backs of Egyptian slaves who will feed me rare berries at regular intervals. And also fan me with orange silk fans. But thats not whats happened. (i know, shocking right?)
Mom has (unreasonably) decided i must go to the Doctor. Now how ridiculous IS that? Who goes to the doc when they're unwell? Exactly, no one! I knew it. Its just a sham to drag me out of my room for a couple of hours so that they can paint it an awful parrot green. Why? Well, i just know these things. And plus no one is being AT ALL sympathetic... yesterday when i wanted to sleep ON the bedcover...mum said no! how hardhearted IS that???...i mean...here i am...sprawled on the bed and wanting to sleep on the bedcover cuz it gives me a sense of joy and perfection...and people have to take that away from me too. *sniff sniff*
But before you all start weeping let me tell you a little secret...its okay..im gonna make it...no really! i have it from reliable sources (umm, they dont wanna be disclosed) that im not gonna die from a tummy ache just yet. Okay, i guess i havent been COMPLETELY honest...when we were going to Pattaya without my parents to the beach..sister and i were given 2 basic instructions
-no outside food
-no going in the sea water
well, we kinda stayed in the sea water for about 7 hours...and ate some Thai food. ahem. technically 'outside' food...but in order to justify our actions... we werent like eating OUTSIDE food cuz were IN Thailand..so thats local food and the sea water..well who goes to the beach and doesnt swim??? But try telling that to my tummy who refuses to recognize my logic and insists on proving my parents instuctions as right. hmmpf. Typical, take THEIR side.
So now what? Guess i gotta go to the Doc...:(
Unless of course i get completely well by 3 this afternoon *beams*
oh well...in hope we all continue to live.
ciao.
Update
So i went to the doctor (yea yea GASP)...but its all (semi) okay now...*beams*
yay for medicine. :P
ps-im daaaaamn whiny!..oh well..*shrugs*
Monday, October 13, 2008
Reality-Finally!
Wow...what a way to celebrate the 200th post...yes, nows your cue to cheer :D
Im back. Yup. The family holiday got over and honestly im in love. Not with the place...not with the people...not with anyone in particular. More like an idea. See, after years of putting it off (subconsciously saving the best for later i tell myself)...i read Ayn Rand' The Fountainhead. No i will not gush. I will not become a cliche'. I will not talk about the 5 pens i used up scribbling my thoughts on pages that never seemed to end..and that i almost clung to (i didnt even want it to end...cuz then there would be the resolution...and god help someone out there if it wasn't just bloody fantastic)...luckily..it was. but not in an obscene way. In a life-goes-on but lets-be-strong way. Okay, my way of expressing it is too poor but ...it changed stuff. It changed how i viewed stuff for the past few days. I think it may just have changed me for good. Oh damn. Ive never been a good adapter.
But lets talk about the weekend. Not in chronological order cuz that would just be an insult. Okay, not really. but ahhhhh. So bloody much to say/think/feel. One constant thought. Im in love. The sea...finalllyyyyy....im back to loving it in the same-yet-different way. It kinda pulls you in...(yes, i am aware of the scientific facts behind the tug..have had my basic education you know!)...and if you look at it from a certain angle (my angle)...it pulls away your negativity and swallows it up whole. A LOT of embarrassing stuff happened... i wore the wrong kinda shirt (ahem)....tore my Pjs (badlyyy!!)....kicked/punched someone really helpful (purely by accident)....it was all unplanned and messed up..but i had a blast. Went on a banana boat (which basically tosses you out into the ocean at regular painful intervals).....Jet Ski-eddddd....just wallowed in the water.....and gave-in. To what? Just thoughts. I dont know. Its been a strange 4 days (maybe 5). But im SO super glad i went. A lot of stuff has changed. For starters there is still tons of water in my ear! Im totally outta the loop )study wise. And i met a pal. Someone who i connected with...and that is super-rare. Thank you Sa (pal)...sorry for accidently punching+kicking you. :D i dont know why i added the smiley! But somehow...you made the trip 79% of what it was! :):):)
Not a typical post...but then..what is? :P
Im BACK!
ps-Will try and put up some snaps!
ps2- i feel like im in this bubble that cant be pierced...its not exactly happy-happy...cuz that would be temporary..more like a cushion...that even if stuff gets to me...it wont get to ME. like, there will always be a part that gets squashed...but also another part (in that same squashed part) who will be okay. And being okay is very important.
Gotta keep moving. :D
Im back. Yup. The family holiday got over and honestly im in love. Not with the place...not with the people...not with anyone in particular. More like an idea. See, after years of putting it off (subconsciously saving the best for later i tell myself)...i read Ayn Rand' The Fountainhead. No i will not gush. I will not become a cliche'. I will not talk about the 5 pens i used up scribbling my thoughts on pages that never seemed to end..and that i almost clung to (i didnt even want it to end...cuz then there would be the resolution...and god help someone out there if it wasn't just bloody fantastic)...luckily..it was. but not in an obscene way. In a life-goes-on but lets-be-strong way. Okay, my way of expressing it is too poor but ...it changed stuff. It changed how i viewed stuff for the past few days. I think it may just have changed me for good. Oh damn. Ive never been a good adapter.
But lets talk about the weekend. Not in chronological order cuz that would just be an insult. Okay, not really. but ahhhhh. So bloody much to say/think/feel. One constant thought. Im in love. The sea...finalllyyyyy....im back to loving it in the same-yet-different way. It kinda pulls you in...(yes, i am aware of the scientific facts behind the tug..have had my basic education you know!)...and if you look at it from a certain angle (my angle)...it pulls away your negativity and swallows it up whole. A LOT of embarrassing stuff happened... i wore the wrong kinda shirt (ahem)....tore my Pjs (badlyyy!!)....kicked/punched someone really helpful (purely by accident)....it was all unplanned and messed up..but i had a blast. Went on a banana boat (which basically tosses you out into the ocean at regular painful intervals).....Jet Ski-eddddd....just wallowed in the water.....and gave-in. To what? Just thoughts. I dont know. Its been a strange 4 days (maybe 5). But im SO super glad i went. A lot of stuff has changed. For starters there is still tons of water in my ear! Im totally outta the loop )study wise. And i met a pal. Someone who i connected with...and that is super-rare. Thank you Sa (pal)...sorry for accidently punching+kicking you. :D i dont know why i added the smiley! But somehow...you made the trip 79% of what it was! :):):)
Not a typical post...but then..what is? :P
Im BACK!
ps-Will try and put up some snaps!
ps2- i feel like im in this bubble that cant be pierced...its not exactly happy-happy...cuz that would be temporary..more like a cushion...that even if stuff gets to me...it wont get to ME. like, there will always be a part that gets squashed...but also another part (in that same squashed part) who will be okay. And being okay is very important.
Gotta keep moving. :D
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Nothing in 'vain'
Okay, im totaaally crawling out of that mini-crater i fell into. (metaphorically)
Got a fabulous 'new' haircut. God! What IS it about having someone else wash/gently massage your hair and then having it expertly cut and blow dried to perfection?
Note- Man is a vain creature, who likes his luxuries. (Of course man refers to humanity as a whole...didnt have time to make it feministic-ally correct..forgive me my spunky ancestors)
Spunky- now THERES a word i like. Its got that whole kickass feel behind it. Almost something you would expect a younger arnold schwarzenegger to whisper to a co-worker whose just saved the world from a massive alien invasion. "you know baby, this is somehting i jusss gOttttta tell you...*cough cough*...you got some mighty fine spunk"... and the co-worker wouldnt simper sweetly but probably blow up another alien that was about to kill arnold. (i should REALLY not watch so much TV)
Speaking of which Private Practice seems like a nice carry-on version of Greys Anatomy. No really, i thought it would be crap and stuff...but very nice. Alisons moved on to a 'new' place with new people and well........somehow, i like it. Makes sense to move on from the dead past right? or even dormant complicated past! *yay* So i got a haircut and she moved to a different city and started a new kind of Medical Practice...parallel lives eh?
Other than the usual...there are possibilities of great plans...a family holiday maybe! *yaaaay*...just to make sure im all packing up (mentally) and yeah...somewhere between soup+salad last night and an 8am drink of water...i seem to have given a ride to some passing germs. Got cold :(
Oh boohoo...at least my hair looks fabulous!...okay, vain day it is! Cheer for me Universe!
:D
Got a fabulous 'new' haircut. God! What IS it about having someone else wash/gently massage your hair and then having it expertly cut and blow dried to perfection?
Note- Man is a vain creature, who likes his luxuries. (Of course man refers to humanity as a whole...didnt have time to make it feministic-ally correct..forgive me my spunky ancestors)
Spunky- now THERES a word i like. Its got that whole kickass feel behind it. Almost something you would expect a younger arnold schwarzenegger to whisper to a co-worker whose just saved the world from a massive alien invasion. "you know baby, this is somehting i jusss gOttttta tell you...*cough cough*...you got some mighty fine spunk"... and the co-worker wouldnt simper sweetly but probably blow up another alien that was about to kill arnold. (i should REALLY not watch so much TV)
Speaking of which Private Practice seems like a nice carry-on version of Greys Anatomy. No really, i thought it would be crap and stuff...but very nice. Alisons moved on to a 'new' place with new people and well........somehow, i like it. Makes sense to move on from the dead past right? or even dormant complicated past! *yay* So i got a haircut and she moved to a different city and started a new kind of Medical Practice...parallel lives eh?
Other than the usual...there are possibilities of great plans...a family holiday maybe! *yaaaay*...just to make sure im all packing up (mentally) and yeah...somewhere between soup+salad last night and an 8am drink of water...i seem to have given a ride to some passing germs. Got cold :(
Oh boohoo...at least my hair looks fabulous!...okay, vain day it is! Cheer for me Universe!
:D
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The VERY First Time.
With so many 'firsts' yet to happen, its a mystery anything ever happens twice. Or even thrice. Its especially sad if its the same old mistake accidently stuck on 'repeat' mode. I could use a lot of fancy metaphors (distinctly recall using one about scraped knees on the same old rock) or i could just be honest. blunt. upfront. Oh screw it all. Balls to the world i say and turn away. Temper tantrum, very mature i know. *grimaces*
So now, i will tap and talk. Talk in the sense of ideas. But not be blunt. Cuz spelling everything out is driving me insane/up the wall/nuts/crazy... making me tired/exhausted/exasperated. I feel like im trapped in a weird world where i even need to offer alternatives for simple emotions.
Post-its. Yes, thats whats needed. Mini yellow(?) post-its. With ink on em. Scribbled words. Half baked promises. Urgent to-do lists. Post-its. Which Lisa Kudrow had once claimed to invent (Ronnie and Michelle' high school reunion something...look up star movie listings some 3-7 years ago to place it).......Thats the solution to all of lifes mini problems. Post-its.
Sing it out loud. Embrace not knowing what to believe in and then, believe in that.
Violet Flame. White Light. Yogic Asanas. Your own controted vision of faith. A rock, a clay figure, a framed picture. Faith Faith Faith. Just one of those days. Only, its been nearly a month and no diagnosis. There is none. *pulls glum face* What to leave and what not to. So tough. Bloody crumbs. A fraction of what i need to know. *thinks...or tries to...pretends to?....thinks of thinking* ah.
Have hit upon it. Its one of those moments in a tragicomedy where you've hit the dumps and cant sink any lower. When the audience winces as the world comes crashing down. Or maybe its morale failure. Oops say the doctors as they see it plummeting. The doctor takes off glasses and begins to clean them with a white scrap of fabric.
"we tried our very best to pull it out of the danger zone but our medicines dont seem to be working..as..uhh..planned...but my Hawaii vacation is, so if you'll excuse me" Doctor moves off stage.
Cue for actress to slump next to wall and crumple into a unrecognizable heap. Preferably with a whine of suppressed emotions or better yet, a wail. Pressure-to-perform killed actresses natural talent, mourns world. Oho. Now everyone is low. Oho. Oho. Oho. *indian twang, preferably stereotypical*
Now what? asks Director.
Arre baba, this is life na. (says universe) dogs eat cookies (it adds)
"no disrespect and all" mumbles Director "but isnt it 'thats the way the cookie crumbles'..."
(Universe is silent)....
Awkward pause.
Then a flash of lightening electrocutes Director.
Note to Self- Universe does NOT like being corrected
Wow, the above made no sense at all.
*proud as a prune on a winter afternoon*
Go on world, spin circles round the sun (pun ) but i can make myself dizzy too. See. All is not lost.
So now, i will tap and talk. Talk in the sense of ideas. But not be blunt. Cuz spelling everything out is driving me insane/up the wall/nuts/crazy... making me tired/exhausted/exasperated. I feel like im trapped in a weird world where i even need to offer alternatives for simple emotions.
Post-its. Yes, thats whats needed. Mini yellow(?) post-its. With ink on em. Scribbled words. Half baked promises. Urgent to-do lists. Post-its. Which Lisa Kudrow had once claimed to invent (Ronnie and Michelle' high school reunion something...look up star movie listings some 3-7 years ago to place it).......Thats the solution to all of lifes mini problems. Post-its.
Sing it out loud. Embrace not knowing what to believe in and then, believe in that.
Violet Flame. White Light. Yogic Asanas. Your own controted vision of faith. A rock, a clay figure, a framed picture. Faith Faith Faith. Just one of those days. Only, its been nearly a month and no diagnosis. There is none. *pulls glum face* What to leave and what not to. So tough. Bloody crumbs. A fraction of what i need to know. *thinks...or tries to...pretends to?....thinks of thinking* ah.
Have hit upon it. Its one of those moments in a tragicomedy where you've hit the dumps and cant sink any lower. When the audience winces as the world comes crashing down. Or maybe its morale failure. Oops say the doctors as they see it plummeting. The doctor takes off glasses and begins to clean them with a white scrap of fabric.
"we tried our very best to pull it out of the danger zone but our medicines dont seem to be working..as..uhh..planned...but my Hawaii vacation is, so if you'll excuse me" Doctor moves off stage.
Cue for actress to slump next to wall and crumple into a unrecognizable heap. Preferably with a whine of suppressed emotions or better yet, a wail. Pressure-to-perform killed actresses natural talent, mourns world. Oho. Now everyone is low. Oho. Oho. Oho. *indian twang, preferably stereotypical*
Now what? asks Director.
Arre baba, this is life na. (says universe) dogs eat cookies (it adds)
"no disrespect and all" mumbles Director "but isnt it 'thats the way the cookie crumbles'..."
(Universe is silent)....
Awkward pause.
Then a flash of lightening electrocutes Director.
Note to Self- Universe does NOT like being corrected
Wow, the above made no sense at all.
*proud as a prune on a winter afternoon*
Go on world, spin circles round the sun (pun ) but i can make myself dizzy too. See. All is not lost.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
For A. :)
"I want a guy to woo me. To prove to my boyfriend that guys like that exist." -A
Welcome to the 21st century relationship-conversation.
The battle between what a man is and what his girlfriend wants him to be.
There is no resolution.
The End.
Okay, i admit...i can never leave things ambiguous. :).. or incomplete. Unless ofcourse its setting up a weird technical glit-chy thingamagig. (translation- technology related items)
So, was talking to A (after about a gazill years) and the talk turned to her relationship. Four years and still counting. Is it unrealistic to expect the romance to survive 4 harsh winters? (not to mention summers springs monsoons...you get the picture)
Her bf thinks yes. We, naturally, think otherwise. Loud declarations about how its a fundamental right, to articulate what one wants, are made. Positive words conjured up. Heads are scratched and advice showered. Emotions fly unchecked. The Earth continues to revolve at its normal pace and we finally run out of breath. After the clucking subsides, we're kinda left where we started out. Nowhere. When you love someone, no matter how annoyingly irritatingly grr-producing they are...you accept them. (unless ofcourse they're personally responsible for the massacre of red-cheeked lil babies or something)
No matter how freakishly vehement A's words seem to be as they lash out at the male species...i kinda KNOW tomorrow it'll be a distant memory. Girls are kind of predictable that way. So where does MY role come in? Why invest in a conversation thats ultimately gonna trot right back where it began? Well, for starters...you care about your friend (the whole my shoulder is yours bit..:)...) and there doesnt need to be a secondly. Not advocating weekly therapy sessions here but as a pal, you gotta sometimes let people vent it out. And when the steam clears up... you realize just listening helped (also the witty banter but thats another story! :P).
So A, here is to you *raises imaginary glass*... May you find that special someone to woo you and prove to your bf that guys like him exist. And then, when you're spoilt for choice as to whom to choose...call S! *mwahahaha*.... (kidding. well. kinda. you know i love you! hehe)
(Things are only as serious as you make them out to be....even heartbreak can be eclipsed with a timely wisecrack)
ciao :D
In good spirits also because have realized, at some level, what one fears most is getting hurt. And getting hurt isn't that big of a deal anyway. The fear of it is something one has to move beyond. A, proud of you babe. And not even totally sure why! :P
Welcome to the 21st century relationship-conversation.
The battle between what a man is and what his girlfriend wants him to be.
There is no resolution.
The End.
Okay, i admit...i can never leave things ambiguous. :).. or incomplete. Unless ofcourse its setting up a weird technical glit-chy thingamagig. (translation- technology related items)
So, was talking to A (after about a gazill years) and the talk turned to her relationship. Four years and still counting. Is it unrealistic to expect the romance to survive 4 harsh winters? (not to mention summers springs monsoons...you get the picture)
Her bf thinks yes. We, naturally, think otherwise. Loud declarations about how its a fundamental right, to articulate what one wants, are made. Positive words conjured up. Heads are scratched and advice showered. Emotions fly unchecked. The Earth continues to revolve at its normal pace and we finally run out of breath. After the clucking subsides, we're kinda left where we started out. Nowhere. When you love someone, no matter how annoyingly irritatingly grr-producing they are...you accept them. (unless ofcourse they're personally responsible for the massacre of red-cheeked lil babies or something)
No matter how freakishly vehement A's words seem to be as they lash out at the male species...i kinda KNOW tomorrow it'll be a distant memory. Girls are kind of predictable that way. So where does MY role come in? Why invest in a conversation thats ultimately gonna trot right back where it began? Well, for starters...you care about your friend (the whole my shoulder is yours bit..:)...) and there doesnt need to be a secondly. Not advocating weekly therapy sessions here but as a pal, you gotta sometimes let people vent it out. And when the steam clears up... you realize just listening helped (also the witty banter but thats another story! :P).
So A, here is to you *raises imaginary glass*... May you find that special someone to woo you and prove to your bf that guys like him exist. And then, when you're spoilt for choice as to whom to choose...call S! *mwahahaha*.... (kidding. well. kinda. you know i love you! hehe)
(Things are only as serious as you make them out to be....even heartbreak can be eclipsed with a timely wisecrack)
ciao :D
In good spirits also because have realized, at some level, what one fears most is getting hurt. And getting hurt isn't that big of a deal anyway. The fear of it is something one has to move beyond. A, proud of you babe. And not even totally sure why! :P
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