Wanted

(As i review 'Wanted'....) :P

Before you saunter casually into the theatre and invest a whole lot of dough in ‘Wanted’, I suggest you give your dainty hands a good scrub. You’re going to thank us when you find yourself nibbling on them throughout the 120 minute flick! It doesn’t exactly bombard you with details but lets you get snug in the situation until of course it slyly reaches out and pulls that rug away from under your complacent feet. Thrust and cajoled into accepting a whole new set of facts you lie back and consider munching on some neglected popcorn but before you know it, its been discarded as unexpected scenes of gore edge each other out for screen space. You breathe, ah! Finally! A semblance of linear progression seems to take over and a quick swig from the poison-of-choice later, you’re back where you started; a little bewildered and mostly horribly fascinated. The interval is unexpected and a good time to finish up those cold snacks while eavesdropping surreptitiously. A few moments pass and again you’re plunged into a sea of hard core action with bits of faith that seem to almost shock one into silence. How are fates decided by what seems to be an irregular way of pronouncing justice? Murmurs the rational part of self that’s soon shushed into silence. Our emotions become puppets in the hand of the film as it swings us from horror to complete and utter awe. Jolie is unforgettable and not just because she’s beautiful. With her character etched out to near perfection, she remains a true treat for the amateur psychoanalyst. Blank is a face to watch out for or maybe it was just the impact of the movie that forces you to consider the possibility of an alternative life that could await you. Sprinkled liberally with the ripe mix of deception, drama, idealism and that something indefinable that generates empathy, it’s a wonderful break from reality that may just be responsible for *gasp* making you think. Watch it! It would be an awful shame not to!

(Gonna be published soon, along with S's version. :D)

i.love.subjectivity

This is purely for ME. so anyone who isnt interested can simply roll over and play dead. No, you dont get a doggie treat for doing that. Finally, for the first time in 3 years...we've got a subjective answer to give in as an assignment. For those who are unfamiliar with a Literature course (and wanna know more) listen up. Its not about creative writing. Its not really about YOUR opinion. In classroom discussions, maybe. But when it comes right down to ink sprouting pens and fancy paper....we gotta stick to some major schools of thought. If you write well, bonus points! :)
So now you know what it means to actually get the OH-MY-GOD pleasure of actually writing what you THINK and NOT consulting any old intellectually superhuman-ly analytical doddery old critics that have sprawled precious gems of wisdom on thin parchment. Okay, i exaggerate their age. They're normally in their mid 30's and certainly not writing with eagle feathers dipped in old ink pots but thats really besides the point. I get to write MY opinion! YAY!

Now, the thing is im not totally sure if i'll get it 'right' or even if i'll get kickass marks. But the thrill of penning down original 'me' thoughts is totally exhilarating. In fact, we have a teacher with a slightly pronounced north eastern accent... so normally i tend to space out in her class. But just yesterday...i was listening to her talk about Walcott and i couldnt help but think. Wow, im so lucky to be studying something i love so much. Yes, people may get more marks than me (meh) and probably attend more classes than me (as regular theatre practice will ensure) but no one can really take away this feeling of fascination i have for the course, people, way of thinking......absolutely everything that ive been exposed to in the last 2 point something years.

Its kind of taken over my life and absorbed me in it........ ive become this person that i could never have imagined myself to be. In this competitive/screwed-up/highly-strung/confusing/happy existence, we dont necessarily find joy. I suggest we open our eyes, it may turn out that we're actually where we wanted to be....or in a place thats surprisingly better. Think of how much you've grown as a person. When was the last time you looked into the mirror and appreciated yourself? Ditch the phone that is CONSTANTLY bawling out for attention, find some space to pamper yourself. It could be an extremely movie-inspired bubble bath, a cosy cup of noodle soup that you've been longing to try but ignored cuz of the calorie count, an extra 5 hours of sleep!!!!! or something thats even more uniquely pamper-you mode. Do it! Think about it, dont you feel you deserve it? (nod!!!!!)

ps- aaaaah, have no idea where the ending came from. Oh well. *shrugs* :D
thats just how it is! :P

.

hello all cookie crumbs! (felt like being a lil different!)
just come back from the scorching heat and breezy auto ride. Fantastic and Fabulous are words that come to mind. Maybe its the heat thats making me delirious! :D
So someone from HT asked dad if we were related. Bet you cant guess what he said. ANYWAY, turns out this female who i dont ever remember coming into contact with thinks im a 'great writer'. No not reaaaaaally supernaturally talented or anything. But im a 'great writer'. Great! That sure felt good! Apparently she read a couple of the things i'd written for HT and really liked em :):)......Plus, she offered me an internship! *yay me* :P:P

Apart from this smile-inducing moment, nothing exceptional has really been on the cards. Except perhaps .. saw Bachna Ae Haseeno...which was somehting like my personal nightmare. No, really. I hated it. The first part was almost tolerable but the last 70 odd minutes were pure unadulterated torture for the romance repulsed phase im going through. Why did i go for the movie you ask? You think i havent already asked myself that??? Really? *sigh*
Movie Freak friend took me along and normally im equally enthusiastic bout lolling about and crunching down some corn (which according to this article my sister read is esp harmful for me... basically all B positive poeple watch out for the corn...Arrghhhh....run people run!....run from the mountain of corn thats calling out to you....its a TRAP!...ahem...moving on)

And i kinda ruined it for Movie Freak friend too who uhhh got 'influenced' by my dislike. Tch. Poor her. Serves people right for making me sit through ugh-producing mush. *decided sniff*
Am gonna keep multi-million miles away from any influence that may lead me to actually 'fall' for someone. Its just a vicious circle now aint it? It may be the movies...serials...books...anything and everything declares that you NEED to BE with that 'special someone' to feel (ugh) complete. Well, i feel extremely complete. I...me...myself.... Very together and not-needy.

But JUST in case im stupid enough to scrape my knee on the same rock for the billionth time...lets not give the knee any more chances. Lets bind it up and place it on the mantlepiece where it will look pretty and feel secure. No, not a coward i rationalize..... but its time to be 'alone'. Of course have technically been so for a while now... but even mentally. No Daffy butting in. No FF prancing about. No anyone. Maybe Dario Fo or Marquez but only cuz their words mean a lot. And unlike people, you always have the option of shutting the book... with no hard feelings.
With time all will fade away...Literary characters are forever.
Ps- dont know what to call this...lets let it be. 'Cool'. :)

Pricks

In pick-a-fight mode. Need for instant cosseting.
Indulge. Indulge. Indulge.
No, not Blunt singing 'Hey Betty, you are beautiful...'
No re-reading of old messages that captured moments that were, at best/worst, wild spurts of affection.
No symbiotic assurances through mails/messages/posters/cards/calls.
Real indulgence.
The one thats as rich as hot chocolate and consumingly mind blowingly all encompassing.
Not a hug thats half-hearted.
Something thats worth the wait. worthwhile. worthy.
sustainable. stable. willingly shared and not grudgingly handed over.
Not begged for. Nor fought wildly for.
Not needed. But around because 'it' wants to be.
It. Don't know what 'it' is. But its presence would leave no space for that teeny void.
Missed only cuz you almost know what its like.
You've read about it right? Seen it in movies? Television?
See, thats why TV is harmful. Exposure bad. Knowledge painful.
You know its out there. But its not around.. yet.

So you wait. Sometimes patiently. Then other times...you tap your foot.
Cluck away. Stare at the walls. Watch the adventures of the brave fly on the pc screen.
Bite your nails. Click some photographs. Go on facebook. Study. Read Genet, Marquez, Beckett, Yeats. Explore the features in your new phone. Live?

This is a blog. It tells you a lil bit bout what i think/do/feel (at times). I once told someone if you read my blog it will tell you 'everything' about me. Not true. It'll just tell you that im human. Extremely verbose. Whiny. Word lover. Phase go-er. Sometimes joyful. Other times, not.
Im human.

This is my story.

Ps- Everyone, try and get your hands on Marquez' 'Chronicles of a death foretold'. Awesome.

Why when how.

Face it. We're mean. You me everybody. Especially everybody. The rest of the world. People other than me. Clear enough? Sparkling Crystal clear. Enough to reflect your own disconcerted face? Good.
Here is how the primal part of us functions. In a nutshell, we like to cut other peoples head to make ourselves feel taller. Now we can do that subtly or obviously...tactfully...cunningly...unconsciously...mentally...behind someones back...or not hiding a snigger. any which way you please. But we do it. Often. How great do YOU feel when someone acts stupid? Or more accurately...acts stupid according to YOUR personal standards of 'smart behaviour'. huh? Maybe 'great' isnt the word. How often has someone else (around you) accused XYZ of being too thin/fair/dark/snobby/fat or just plain inadequate. far too many to remember? if not...think harder. Think of ALL those snide comments that pinch. Not you. but that someone else. Think of XYZ. They matter. They're people too you know. And even you think...hey whats the harm in a lil bitching. There is. It makes YOU the person who bitched. Or an accomplice to the bitching, legally speaking. Feel good now?

Have you ever pulled anyone down just because? Really. You havent! Well bestow a sparkly crown on your own head and call yourself an angel or at least semi-divine. Think you know someone who hasnt? haha. Dig deeper. They too have their 'weak' moments.
Cummon, it was just a light joke you argue. We're not HURTING anyone i hear. Realize the impact of words? Direct them at yourself. an ouch feeling eh? But alright. Lets give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe XYZ deserved the caustic comment. Look at her. Dressed like a 'tramp'. Uhoh. But what makes you the supreme judge i ask. Democracy you answer. Hollow words my friends. Lets not bring freedom of thought into this. Just an excuse under which we veil our real intentions. Its all about creating the "other". The very same person against whom you assume you'll be appearing in a better light. Lets condemn their flaws... cuz they're more obvious. Easily despised. and more easily identified. Why let someone else be happy? Naahhh! heads must roll....cuz YOU got freedom of thought...freedom to let loose your own insecurities on the world. The unsuspecting XYZ who cant even respond. Cuz hey! you didnt wanna HURT her so you just chuckled behind your book. carefully wiped off any sign that a smile ever crossed your face. Act like it never happened. Cuz now you feel good. about yourself.

But i suggest you think twice. When people laugh with you, you're also under scrutiny. Why DID you laugh? Why create an other? Its the same as being racist/classist/elitist....all the 'ists'.
Today you're raping an image. Jeering at anothers flaws. Think you're so pure? Really, you're not. No one is. Go beyond what people think. Of you and of everyone else. If you're trapped in this perception...you limit only yourself. If you think about it...... what ARE you doing? in the most cliche' way...when you point a finger...3 more point back at you.
A lifeskills class in 12th talked about a man who had a temper. He was told...each time you lose it...put a nail in the wall...each time you control it...take one out. A month passes and the wall is full of nails... 3 more months and most of the nails are out. He goes back to the advice giver...proudly shows him the now empty wall. But where there used to be a smooth surface...there are now holes. Even if you take your words back...their impact still remains. As obvious as the marks the nails left behind. Life. Its quite something else.

Fingers had been twitching to write for ages...but hadn't had the time. Finally. Feels like some little thing managed to uncoil just a miniscule bit somewhere deep in an obscure part of me. Thats hidden. But felt.

Ambiguous question for the day...do we only learn from pain? If yeah...then is pain...inevitable...necessary...justified?
i.have.no.clue.
(maybe one day i'll crack the mystery)

Adverts.

Okay, this goes out to the super-huge universe and all the people who accidently landed up on my blog! Never, ever ......ever send me a text and call me an "angel"....*winces*...ever.
Not only is it childish and super gross...im just not able to relate to the sentiment (forget contemplate how to react to it!)......i.am.not.an."angel".person.
Im just not.
Some people dont like dogs (gasp...i know...strange), some feel 'eww' feelings for govinda, others hate masala dosa's... I dont like being called an ANGEL!!!!! *grr*...point made? okay. Moving on.

Ever taken out the time to NOTICE the dimwitted ads we have aired on TV?
Lets bust some girl-related myths here (that they're oh-so-desperate to propagate)
In the real world-
-A- Girls dont really worry about their oily skin when a stick-on-nose-ring slips off their nose!...
Also, their friends most certainly dont carry or market face products to help cure oily pores. *ugh*

-B-Under normal circumstances girls dont reach a waterfall and feel the urge to cleanse their hair of dirt. We normally save that for the bathroom. And even IF the NEED to have uber-clean hair rises...we certainly dont fish out a bottle of oil to first condition dry strands. Are we showing spontaneity here or serious mental issues?...

-C-Though men would love to believe that girls attack people based on the perfume they wear...umm......NOT really. Axe may need to rethink the probability factor here. Plus, which guy looks bummed out when he IS under uhhh 'attack' by a bunch of attractive females? Totally senseless!

I was gonna write tons more but i kinda got a call which made me all 'aww-ish' bout the male species. *cough predictable cough*
I think we need smarter people making ad's and controlling what goes out on air. Cuz, on a more serious/maybe boring note...it DOES have an impact on people... Maybe not on YOU, the educated elite etc, but on someone else out there who IS impressionable. So for the selfless sake of societal benefit...can we please have some SENSE portrayed???.......

Gabbing

A very-much-in-relationship-for-3-years cousin asked me....what exactly do you talk about on the phone?(to FRIENDS please note) Isnt it a "waste of time"?.... Well, i guess its all really about perspective.

While some find pleasure in tracking steps of their ahem partners..and taking accounts for each second that they're not with them. Others (like yours truly) being deprived of this fascinating dance, called slippery possessive eels, find solace in talking to friends. Yes! i talk on the phone A LOT! and i mean...pretty much a LOT! No, not normally the 5 hour conversation gurl...but each time a (close) friend calls im hooked for a good 15 mins. They're of course more your usual 'update' conversations which hinge on whine sessions(mutual)/existentialist angst(argh!how meaningless is it all!)/choco cravings (mine)/romantic cravings (fluctuate)/studies(rarely)/assignment deadlines(but that comes under whine!) and the rest of your usual single-20-year-olds-in-delhi issues.

Why exactly ARE these important? Well, for starters (DRUMROLL) this is how we bond.
Secondly, (As if we even NEED a 'secondly' now!) this is how i get to know the 2nd perspective! What? Let me explain. There are actually 3 perspectives on each person. There is the image you have of yourself (superfically? smart slim pretty awesome)...The second (different) one is that which PEOPLE have of YOU (superficially? smart-ish pretty-ish nice-ish)..... And the last version of you is the REAL version. Which neither you nor the people are around you are completely able to identify (given the law of change and evolution...cuz even if you eventually land up and point out the 'correct' version at ONE point of time...by that time you've already changed...hence, you.will.never.know!)

So, point being...you can get the SECOND version by grabbing on to a reliable+blunt soul and demanding the liberating albeit harsh truth. Its often quite pleasant and more often extremely daunting. (just last night S and i realized that not everyone HAS to find us awesome...GASP!...)
Do we really need to push it and think of a third reason too? Yea yea we all know the rest of it... talking is a way of being 'there' for someone....showing affection/love....bla bla! Point is. Im gonna find as many reasons to rationalise it as humanly possible. Simply cuz, i do it. Cuz it makes me happy and gives me a sense of 'right-ness'. I know things will never be replicated exactly in the future and probably my world WILL be turned upside at least 40 times before i turn 21 but its about NOW. When im busy 'wasting' my time. Im actually, ironically, in the present. Its one of the few times i savour moments (the other being when i hug them to myself before drifting off to sleep! :D) and allow someone to share that joy/other emotion.

Ps-i know it may SOUND like im totally against people in relationships. Im not. I just dont think its okay to umm talk down to someone just cuz you have an alternate system of belief/action. Cuz if you do that then im sorely tempted to reciprocate. And this is one time i dont feel like trying to control the urge. :P
*the dark side takes over...whoops*

Pps-the novella you ask? umm, im thinking of basing it on a 20 years olds life... now WHERE would i go for inspiration? *ponders* :D

An agenda!

I need a plan. A life-attitude-makeover!!!!!!! Something Permanent! Say, at least a 6 month agenda. Well? The plan to liberation is in the works...kinda being carried out. But i still sense a gap. A moment to think. I still have time to breathe. Now that cant possibly be right. There is a compulsive need to shove in more. Mental physical and time consuming plan. Yes, thats what i need!......

-Have left chocolate for a year...come jan 1st 2009 and i will bite into it again..but till then...that takes care of my spiritual growth! ...the will power drive is extremely secure.
-Attended 2 family functions in the last 2 days... Got two more coming on saturday and sunday... that wraps up social-familial responsibility eh?
-the academia should be a lil pleased with my endeavours.... have massive plans to finish 'Things fall apart' and 'Heart of Darkness' by tonight. (the possibility of critically reading one more text has also been casually thought of)
-the 'no-expectations' thing came to a screeching 'oh f***' yesterday and today. :( . Im just not built for 'no expectations'. Maybe less expectations will suffice?

Maybe its time i (finally) start my novella!!!!!!!! .....i know someone i once read about said that she used to write from 4 am to 6 am everyday and then lead a 'normal' life. (normal ie. wake about a dozen kids up....dress em...feed em...send them off to school...pick em up...clean the house...basic gist... ouch)

Why cant i? Why cant it be me who proudly declares (three years from now) that it 'just took a revelation while typing out a vent-blog to come up with the idea'...then modestly wait for the applause to die down!!!!!!!!!!! ooooooooooo! Fabulous! Dreams sure make life look easy! :D
Now all it needs......is........

1-plot
2-story
3-time to work on above
4-incentive

The first two ill rummage out of the recesses of my mind. The last i have in HUGE amounts and the third was what i desperately wanted to use up. There is really, then, no time to worry about the debate over 'less' expectations v/s 'no' expectations. No time at all! Plus, then this blog can be about my literary struggles as a postcolonial writer. (well, technically i would be postcolonial na?) Ha! a direction for the blog as well! *hugs self for brilliant plan*
This totally HAS to be implemented. (i know it SOUNDS a lil Kinsella with overreaching ambition...also like Greek tragic heroes then...but *shoo's thought away*....)

Will simply cut into Gossip Girl/Big Bang Theory/Seinfeld hours!

*pray for me* Please! :D

Locating the Elusive

I honestly have like a weird 'thing' for sad-ish lyrics and feel-good beats! That whole contradiction-is-fun kink probably!... For eg. i distinctly dislike incorrect grammar but dont mind it when people Deliberately mess around with words..ie. 'sad-ish'. haha. My dad hates my saying 'blah' too, apparently its not a real word. WordWeb defines it as "Pompous or pretentious talk or writing". See dad, it does exist!

Anyway, so i got up today determined to find a way to liberation. Yeah, its THAT easy!

First step. No Expectations (That an Art Excel course at the age of 11 taught me)
None whatsoever. No expecting a reply to that wall post/sms/phone call. But then, and here is MY modification, dont let anyone treat you like trash. You're totally allowed to disregard THEIR wall post/sms/phone call/other means of communication in the 21st century.

Second. Dont let your blood pressure gurgle up to a scary (and medically improbable) 700 when someone makes a sexist remark. Let them be. They obviously dont know enough. Face it, anyone with miniscule grey cells will KNOW equality is simply non-negotiable. And if they want to stick by common notions of women... well, their loss. Literally! They get to lose out on so much sense and are free to let the world witness exactly how deprived of intellect they are. (ps- you can also comment on them in your blog to vent!) :D

Thirdly. find your pal. No, not your oldest friend or person who you drink coffee with. Find someone who cares enough to wanna be near you and with whom you have a bond. No definition of 'bond'. Its different for everyone. Mine? Well, someone who you can text the abosolute worst/random/gushy/gooey/angry thing and expect a nod as a reply. (cuz they know you and know why you're saying what you are...)

And the last way that i considered. Was books. Yeah, the very same things you pass on your way to work everyday. Which you always wish you had more time to hang out with. They're the buddies you ignore and rarely prioritise. Basically when brain needs fodder just grab that hardbound copy of XYZ and thumb through its familiar pages. Nothing quite like living in a shared world. Where you allow no one but the writers words and your vision of them to spring up. (Tv is great too but then YOUR personal vision is extremely limited)

Liberation, for the lucky ones born in a democracy, is a state of mind for the most part.
We are as happy as we think we are.
We are as satisfied as we want to be.
To quote a line from Readers Digest..."we have an immense amount of input into the person we become"......We just need to allow ourselves to be what we really want.
So close to Independance day. I want to be Liberated.
In fact, in true Reiki style...i declare. I choose to be Liberated!

Happy Independence Day...for whatever it means to everyone!

Theme Blue!

The only semi-interesting thing my cell is capable of is changing its 'theme'. Now ive made it a pretty some-sea-in-the-world blue. Pretty.

Have also discovered some alarming truths!

-any poem which starts with a 'red cheeked giant' does not go down well with an audience. any audience.
-people in chennai have a scheme which gives them 500 free national sms's. people in delhi are deprived. :(
-its a lil tough to be honest to people you're too close to. also especially hard to be unbiased. (i already knew that but its been reinforced)
-i dont really like talking on the phone that much. unless of course its ahem calling. in which case, its super hard to erase that grin from my face.
-Y is a supportive friend even with his tendency to sigh/gush/talk ONLY about how great it feels to be madly in love. R, you be lucky girl! :D
-writers block feels funny. a writers block that limits itself to 'good' writing is terribly unfunny.
-i need to finish ALL my course books by Sunday which is *counts on fingers* about 5 days away.
-FF keeps invading my dreams. Whats alarming? Let me rephrase. FF keeps invading my dreams.
-on a completely different topic, i hate my naps getting interrupted. :D

and on that randoohhhm note, i shall pirouette away for lack of anything better to do!
Toodles y'all. *waves to computer screen*

ps-i love Big Bang Theory! :P

pps-since you've stuck around to read ALL this ...quick question...how many times must a person come in your dream until he/she is officially your crush? ....:P
*bahahah*....so strange be words. so full of meaning! *click*

A heavy straw

with the constant ticking
of the pincers of time,
ideas considered first
centuries ago,
are once more scrutinized

in not a gaze vague,
they're ripped for meaning,
there's desperation vivid
in the fanatical gleam
of a hungry eye,
as it searches for that metaphorical light,
we claw at the thin veil
that bars from us, air
crumbling dynasties and forlorn hopes
are all buried together in a single tomb

transparencies needed
shrieks a part of the mind,
not a dull moment too many
as with each step
emotions get intensified,
the music swells
and then fades away
of course, there will be no answers
till we have questions ready framed.

Aug 11 2008

Unflinchingly, i accept ambiguity
Keeping my fingers crossed
for the very best
But also knowing, as people do,
that sometimes change is something good.

No more unconsciously catering to anyone but me.

Edit-ed

In the midst of drama, stands ydays memory of our director B turning to me and sayin 'i hear the most interesting things coming from you but i still dont think i KNOW you. I am totally intrigued by you. Tell me, what does theatre mean to you?' Of course i ended up saying a lot and talking about how special it was to perform 'Toba Tek Singh' in my 1st year. It was an experience that cannot ever be summed up in words. Like a painting that touches something infinitesimally small inside of you, ill always treasure it cuz of the way it made me feel. Naturally, i didnt say the exact same thing to him. The same emotions can be moulded in different words and im only too aware of that. Basically, theres something lyrical about the whole aura of the stage. Extremely personal and exceedingly worthwhile if the journey is lead by someone who knows what to do. Our director B, knows what he's doing! And i too know, even if he exposes all of ones vulnerabilities...we're all safe with him. And that security is priceless.

I actually edited this post, earlier it was so whiny that even when i logged off it kept bothering me. I kept wondering why i felt like posting something which made me grumpy for about 5 seconds. When i think of the great stuff in the world....when there is so much to look forward to. it seems almost ridiculously inappropriate to focus on the small stuff. This is not how i want to remember days... i dont want to hold on to negativities. Just saw Grey's Anatomy. The last narratorial line was... 'the people who suffer the most are the ones who dont know what they want'. So true. Makes it worthwhile buying all available seasons. And im not joking. Love the relationship Burke shares with Christina. Its like he knows her.....adores her for who she is. While she has no qualms about being perceived as an ambitous perfectionist. Absolutely fantastic. I dont think i get Meredith's and McDreamys story though...when you want someone, why on Earth would you not be with them? Most people would shrug off soaps as not worthy of attention.... but i think their portrayal of life merits notice. One day, maybe i can translate a vision on screen as well. Scriptwriting as a career! Hell yeah! :D

X-Peace-X

Ps-i had a talk with Y (old friend) right now and he surprised with his maturity. Said "dont step in the boat unless you wanna travel in it." wrt my not wanting a typical relationship with xyz but not minding confessions of feelings. I feel humbled. Thank you for talking some sense when i desperately needed to hear the truth without the fluff.

Hoye!

The one up there knows i never (ever) thought i would EVER agree with anything that came out of Katrina Kaif's mouth!.....for the ignorant, she's a bollywood actress (i refuse the popular term of 'actor' regardless of sex)...But life springs up one surprise after the other! (with annoying consistency)...so, while promoting her new flick 'Singh is King' (ratings by HT stand at 2 measly stars)...said...when you're 18-19-20...simply EVERYTHING seems like the end of the world!....Gist? Constant rollercoaster (as made famous by ronan keating in a song i used to adore) life is!......... FUN! (sometimes for reaaal!)

Lemme be more explicit! ..my nets been throwing some major tantrums...so ive managed that by ignoring them and praying for an irraional miracle to sort out the problem (it came true btw)...So now...ive shopped for Sh's bday gift (errr... her parties been postponed by a week thanks to the rain god!..grr)....gone for a sleepover at Silly Billys....met R (the exceedingly famous bf)...gabbed with v-kid...realized the extent of my oops-this-is-a-crush phase...got just a teensy bit bored of FF....almost finished reading Frankenstein (pretttyyyy nice)...decided the perfect dress for the postponed party....analysed life...and gone through a MAJOR im-so-giddy-with-glee dancing/bouncing 15 minutes routine. Im happy!

Hence i agree with Kaif. Its so very easy to make a situation feel like it IS the end of everything. But i dont think there is an age limit attached to this wild-drama... its kinda timeless. We all have that small part of us that wants to prance around and spin in circles till we can barely catch our breath. Its just that at some ages its more acceptable to be caught doing so!
But im kinda resolved now..... Count this as my Half Year Resolution plan.
To be more silent... To think carefully... avoid the valleys of depression (not the clinical one!).. enjoy conversations... and not let anyone convince me that what i have...what i do... what i am ... is inadequate. Ever.

I am sure its gonna be one hell of a year... one hell of a life... one awesome experience. But im gonna slow down when i need to . and not apologize for it.

ps-ive totally started gushing bout awww moments! just ask S! (she hates it!) :D

What are YOU waiting for?

Sometimes my friends come up with real gems of knowledge...says S on the phone one day...
"Godot is our sex life"....i of course add, "or lack thereof"...Basically substitute the sex with romance and you have MY take on life as it stands today.... Waiting for Godot is this existentialist play by Beckett that talks about two guys who are constantly waiting for this character called Godot. There is literally no linear movement in the play where each day these 2 guys come and keep waiting for him. Symbolic point being, this Godot chap- wont come. But not accepting it and trying each day is what survival is about. (people link it to the death of God historically cuz of lack of faith etc.) Being who we are...we replace the metaphor of God with Romance. We too sit under that tree (in the play) and wait. We go about our mundane actions...meaningless cyclical actions (in keeping with the existentialist tradition) and wait. Wait for that elusive Godot who promises to come another day...everyday. Not even the L word anymore. Its not about love. Its about the idyllic semi-deluded ...fascinating...lyrical...stereotypical romance...complete with the bouncing feet and head in the clouds. Someone to think about...someone whose messages you wanna save ... someone who wont really play complicated mind games. Your usual simple intelligent fun bloke ...when sparks fly around. Like Diwali without the fear of getting burnt...
So in yet another convoluted conversation with S...

i childishly demanded... "if we deserve better then how is it we dont get it?".....
She philosophically responded ..."Because waiting is a part of everyones life. Because at the end of the wait is your answer."

I wont delve too deeply into my tantrum where i pretty much expected her to know everything... i distinctly remember texting suff like..."where effing is he?"... Of course, there is always the alternative of looking around to see if anyones interesting...but the whole issue is...why? Why should one have to LOOK? Why cant it irrationally fall into a clear pattern at the times one needs it? Why must it be this HUGE mystery? Cant we really shove the fuss aside and peer casually into the future and STOP wasting time with the inconsequentials? FF for eg. Currently seems kinda adorable in the intelligent bloke way...but for how long? Will he too become another V-kid with his eeeee side popping out? Will it become scary (for me) like ad? Wariness inducing like YNP? Time-consumingly exhausting like Daffy? OR will it continue to be friendly-banter that one randomly gets bored of? What will it really be? Will this 'x' person be worth the wait or a huge disappointment like rex? Is everyone lucky enough to find mutual attraction-liking-respect? Will it all end in a compromise? *shudders*....what DOES the future hold? and when will this headache ebb away? Will a day come...when i simply dont care?

Evolution

So yday was when my mum turned a grand 50...now she doesnt look 50 from any angle...even though it may SEEM like im being biased, am really not...thanks to 10 km walks+yoga+eating right (most of the time) and the above regime for the past 5 years..she looks closer to a radiant 40! (for real!)...but the best part? she hasnt lost her spirit...when i was 10 years old and had to describe my mum in class (eng class), i vividly remember using the word "jolly".... shes got that whole free spirit..awesomely happy...red cheeks glow thing about her. You cannot...cannot help being enveloped in this aura of love when you're around her. you simply have to love her...even if you arent her biological kid!..... A lot of my friends have called her 'beautiful' but im not really talking about external beauty here...its more about the person that she is and what she stands for....deeply spiritual...extremely loving...and just plain old trusting. Basically, mum is 'rocking' (and S is sure to cringe NOW) :)

Dad ended up surprising her at Taj during dinner...she thought we're out for our average close-4 family dinner thing...but he secretly invited some relative+assorted friends too!... But what i really ended up doing was listening. I lent both my ears to the conversations that surged up around me. For starters theres this clear demarcation of men from women (even in a round table for 10)...the women discuss jewellery (mums a designer)....sister talks to old relative aunt bout 'Voice of India' (i assume she was humouring the elderly lady) while dad's conversation was what i was totally fascinated with... They discussed everything from astrology (wrt recent lunar eclipse) politics (through the perspective of bureaucrats) oil prices, land prices and chinese jasmine tea in clearing ones palate.. (we were in the 'House of Ming'... no fortune cookies though :(..) ..what really aroused my curiosity however was when one uncle lowered his voice to talk about political pressure on bla bla... (later i even made papa repeat the conversation!...childish but i wanted to make sure i got my facts straight)... Point being that women are not frivolous... aunty 1 is the editor of a well known paper... aunty 2, well i dont know what she does...and mum is fantastically hard working, articulate and reasonably well-informed... So how do 3 women end up discussing ornaments of luxury while their male counterparts adopt the more traditional role of 'men of business'? Is this role-play so deeply embedded in our psyche that we drift to it unconsciously? ....Maybe dissection of social events is kinda cool...opens up your mind to hidden things!

Anyway, so what else did I do?.. Oh i had fun! Finally took dads advice (which he recommends to everyone) to heart... 'Its always good to talk less' ....and wrapped it round my head... i ended up noticing a lotta stuff... like how nearly all the other patrons of the hotel seemed to be exquisitely groomed and irrevocable unattractive (weird right?) .Their look?..with polished nails...shiny hair (the kind only permanent straightening will lead to)... beautiful clothes...better bags... higher heels... and delicious cars...they symbolised the crème de la crème of Delhi... But in the most typical fashion... it all seemed kind of hollow. The majorily of them looked dissatisfied and grumpy while the rest looked enviously on at others who were better turned out. So when is good enough..enough? Apparently only when you're happy within. Why else do i dip my toes (fingers, nose...self) in spiritualism? Cuz, frrrrrankly... its the only way (for me) to be really happy and detached enough to notice the fantastic material things (like gleaming Gucci bags) and not feel at all deprived when they're not in my own closet! Fashion is wonderful too but only as long as it doesnt make you feel terrible!
Cheers!